Mind your own womb

 

pregnant bellySomewhere there is a woman: 30, no children. People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint.

“Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration.

“Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” the sage says before departing, happy with herself for imparting such erudite wisdom. The sage leaves. The woman holds her smile. Alone, she cries…

Cries because she’s been pregnant 4 times and miscarried every one. Cries because she started trying for a baby on her wedding night, and that was 5 years ago. Cries because her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children. Cries because she wants desperately to try in vitro but can’t even afford the deposit. Cries because she’s done in vitro (multiple rounds) and still has no children. Cries because her best friend wouldn’t be a surrogate. “It would be too weird,” she said. Cries because her medication prevents pregnancy. Cries because this issue causes friction in her marriage. Cries because the doctor said she’s fine, but deep inside she knows it’s her. Cries because her husband blames himself, and that guilt makes him a hard person to live with. Cries because all her sisters have children. Cries because one of her sisters didn’t even want children. Cries because her best friend is pregnant. Cries because she got invited to another baby shower. Cries because her mother keeps asking, “Girl, what are you waiting on?” Cries because her in-laws want to be grandparents. Cries because her neighbor has twins and treats them like shit. Cries because 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying. Cries because she’s an amazing aunt. Cries because she’s already picked out names. Cries because there’s an empty room in her house. Cries because there is an empty space in her body. Cries because she has so much to offer. Cries because he’d be a great dad. Cries because she’d be a great mother, but isn’t.

Somewhere else is another woman: 34, five children. People say to her, “Five? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And then they laugh… because those types of comments are funny. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another day. Alone, she cries…

Cries because she’s pregnant with another and feels like she has to hide the joy. Cries because she always wanted a big family and doesn’t see why people seem so disturbed by it. Cries because she has no siblings and felt profoundly lonely as a child. Cries because her Granny had 12 and she’d love to be just like her. Cries because she couldn’t imagine life without her children, but people treat her like they’re a punishment. Cries because she doesn’t want to be pitied. Cries because people assume this isn’t what she wanted. Cries because they assume she’s just irresponsible. Cries because they believe she has no say. Cries because she feels misunderstood. Cries because she’s tired of defending her private choices. Cries because she and her husband are perfectly capable of supporting their family but that doesn’t seem to matter. Cries because she’s tired of the “funny” comments. Cries because she minds her own business. Cries because she wishes others would mind theirs. Cries because sometimes she doubts herself and wonders if she should have stopped two kids ago. Cries because others are quick to offer criticism and slow to offer help. Cries because she’s sick of the scrutiny. Cries because she’s not a side show. Cries because people are rude. Cries because so many people seem to have opinions on her private life. Cries because all she wants to do is live in peace.

Another woman: 40, one child. People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?”

“I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. Quite believable. No one would ever suspect that alone, she cries…

Cries because her one pregnancy was a miracle. Cries because her son still asks for a brother or sister. Cries because she always wanted at least three. Cries because her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life. Cries because her doctor says it would be “high-risk.” Cries because she’s struggling to care for the one she has. Cries because sometimes one feels like two. Cries because her husband won’t even entertain the thought of another. Cries because her husband died and she hasn’t found love again. Cries because her family thinks one is enough. Cries because she’s deep into her career and can’t step away. Cries because she feels selfish. Cries because she still hasn’t lost the weight from her from her first pregnancy. Cries because her postpartum depression was so intense. Cries because she can’t imagine going through that again. Cries because she has body issues and pregnancy only exacerbates it. Cries because she still battles bulimia. Cries because she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries because she wants another baby, but can’t have it.

These women are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their wombs are their own. Let’s respect that.

~Nadirah Angail

photo credit: Joey Thompson, Unsplash

1,161 thoughts on “Mind your own womb

  1. Mihaela Echols May 26, 2016 / 8:43 pm

    Wow out of all the blog posts I’ve read this entire month (I read about 10 a day) this one really hit home for me. Loved this!

      • Anonymous June 4, 2016 / 3:09 pm

        Splendid post.

      • Tracy June 6, 2016 / 10:26 am

        It was a good article it would have been great to include the women who choose not to have children and the people constantly trying to convince them they will eventually change their mind

      • Annonomous June 20, 2016 / 11:22 am

        I’m 31 and I only have one. When I married my husband 6 years ago, I instantly started trying. It wasn’t until 7 months ago that I found out through his ex-sister in law that my husband is infertile and everyone in his family knows that he can’t have kids. He claims he never knew, but my heart won’t let me believe it. I’ve undergone several procedures, thinking it was me, because I have uteran fibroids… Now my heart is broken. I don’t even love him the same. I feel like something was taken from me. I get angry when I see others (esp those I know that have had abortions and teenager who aren’t prepared or weren’t even trying)…

      • N. Angail June 20, 2016 / 11:30 am

        Wow. I can imagine how hard that is to deal with. Glad you finally got the truth though. As painful as it is, i imagine its a bit freeing too? <–question mark intentional. Either way, I pray you and your husband are guided toward what is best for you both! Thanks for responding:)

      • Nici July 8, 2016 / 3:14 am

        I agree with Tracy. I’ve had to endure a lot of hurtful comments raging from: if you do not have children you are not a real woman, to I am being selfish.

      • daphne October 3, 2016 / 9:43 am

        I am really glad I encountered this article. A splendid article. I can say I know the feeling of being asked by the question that why I am not pregnant yet. I am diagnose with endometriosis and PCOS that is why We aregaving trouble gettinv pregnant but people doesn’t know our struggles. They just keep on asking and telling me to get pregnant. Only if they know how badly I want to be pregnant, how I cried alone when I saw someone close to ne getting Pregnant. This article is a great read. Thanks

    • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 2:00 pm

      Ok, so I’ll probably get ridiculed for this, but I’d like to offer a different perspective. I am 37, have one miracle son and have had 7 IVF failures. People ask me about more kids all the time and I simply say. I would love to if I’m blessed with more. That’s it. There are people who are particularly annoying and nosey, but most people are just making harmless conversation. We have gotten so damn politically correct and thin skinned that no one can have real conversations anymore. Yes, sometimes it makes me sad, but most of the time I take it as a compliment that I have an awesome kid. We have to think about people’s intentions instead of constantly playing gotcha and insulating ourselves from any possible hurt or affliction ever.

      • Liv May 27, 2016 / 6:00 pm

        I totally agree with this. I agree that people need to mind their own business but I think us women need to begin learning how to slough off the ridiculous, insensitive comments and advice and know deep down how truly awesome we are despite others’ perspectives. Let’s stop asking others to watch what they say and start demanding self-love from and for ourselves in the face of any adversity, no matter what shape or form. There are always going to be people saying and doing hurtful things (much of the time not realizing how hurtful it is); the beauty is in being able to nod and move on without allowing it to hurt us. I dunno. Does that make sense?

      • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 6:56 pm

        Sure, i get what youre saying. the point of this, though, isnt to tell women to toughen up (i know those werent your exact words) but to let others know that their seemingly harmless comments are actually harmful to some people. Some women just shrug it off, some cant. Ive spoken with many who cant. I wrote this for them.

      • Mihaela Echols May 27, 2016 / 8:51 pm

        I agree there is a difference between nosey and simply asking. I think for us it depends on who is asking. If I’m close with someone and they ask me a personal question then I’ll open up. But other times I just tell people a quick response to shake them on. I actually have straight up walked away before too.

      • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 9:27 pm

        Thank you for the comment. I have become so afraid to speak to people for saying something that will be misconstrued as offensive. Yes there’s clearly something wrong when someone asks about children and then goes on and on with what is likely an insensitive comment (if they don’t have kids, don’t ask why people) but I sit on pins and needles around my friend not sure if I can ask about her situation. I hate talking about my kids, I quickly change the subject if someone else talks about kids and I feel awful knowing that she was going to start trying a year ago and she’s unfortunately not pregnant yet and here I am, not asking a damn thing because these posts make me feel like I’m being insensitive for doing so. Why can’t we connect on an emotional level anymore? I was talking to a stranger at a baby shower about her baby and I was asking the generic questions that people just generally tend to say when speaking with someone (like “oh how was your pregnancy” and “don’t you miss your sleep” and she told me her whole story about her miracle baby and I cried. We connected a level that wouldn’t have otherwise happened had she been closed off to me and had I been afraid to utter a word. I still have a profound perspective on life after speaking with her and it was only because she shared her tears with others. I know people aren’t as open and they shouldn’t have to be but sometimes sharing will help others understand your pain and be respectful of it moving forward.

      • Liv May 28, 2016 / 9:58 am

        Thanks for your reply. I understand your intention behind what you wrote, and I do think it is written beautifully and that many women can relate to it. I understand the pain of miscarriage and the hurt that comes with others’ questioning. I think it just prompted something in me. I wrote about it here if you’d like to read (http://liboirons.blogspot.ca/2016/05/losing-to-find.html) Again, beautiful writing; just a piece of your message didn’t sit well with me.

      • Heather June 15, 2016 / 11:17 am

        Yes. This. Plus, I think if wimen would just be hoest and speak the truth, it would go a long way toward ending this problem. Just be honest. That person would probably think twice before asking that question in just that way again. It’s the whole woman “you should be able to read my mind” thing, and now we’re doing it to each other. Just communicate. “I’ll have as many as I want because it’d my choice. Thanks, though.” “Yes, grandma, we DO know what causes it and we like it.” “I can’t have children, so it would be gelpful if you didn’t keep asking. Thanks, though.” “I hate children, so NO.” All those responses, and many more put an end to the questions you dislike.

    • Broken angel June 6, 2016 / 10:02 pm

      I’m the woman who would die to give birth. But have no man and no option at 36 I am still saddled with a sick parent who will out live child bearing years. I cry for I will never know if I will get that chance. Do I try? What if it’s plagued with a illness? Do I terminate early? How selfish after God gave me what I asked for but the thought of being saddled with a medical needy human is more than my heart can actually fathom. I cry just for being stupid enough to believe that a fairy tale could happen. After all I have been the obedient child don’t I deserve a chance?

      • N. Angail June 8, 2016 / 10:42 pm

        Those are questions you’ll have to answer yourself, sis. I pray you find clarity.

      • Rosalind G. June 22, 2016 / 12:06 am

        Have you considered having your eggs frozen for use later when circumstances/timing are right? The viability of your eggs is the real issue, and with you being 36 years old they should still be viable if you are otherwise healthy. Generally, ovum (eggs) don’t start deteriorating until a woman reaches age 40, so you’d want to get your eggs “harvested” and frozen before then.

        If you have your eggs harvested and frozen, when circumstances are right you’ll be able to use your own young eggs. YOU may be 48 years old by that time, for example, but your eggs WON’T be, they’ll still be 36. And, if you can’t carry a baby for some reason, there would still the option of using them with a surrogate. It’s not over for you! 🙂

        I wish you all the best and I hope that I’ve at least given you another option that you didn’t know you had. Take care!

      • In Texas December 2, 2016 / 6:45 am

        By experience in my own life, adoption is always an option. I am blessed with two beautiful children.

    • F.L. June 13, 2016 / 11:18 pm

      It’s an easy answer for me at 39.

      “I’m an uber Aunt. I’m there always. My family has a an unconditional free babysitter. I spoil all 5 of them ridiculously with love and attention and leading to be strong human beings, learning to bake, showing them how to soe on a button, put on make up so they don’t look like a show girl/boy.

      I paint all their nails – girl or boy.

      I buy them all super hero shirts and tell them their mom and dad are the true superheroes.

      And when they are old enough… I will tell them that I had cancer at 27 and my uterus was removed and that’s why they don’t have cousins as cool as them. That God gave me them… And they needed me as much as I need them.

      • Wambui June 21, 2016 / 10:05 am

        I love your attitude you uber aunt! God bless you and give you strength to continue being a great aunt

      • Anonymous June 29, 2016 / 3:59 pm

        If you believe in God then you know no situation is beyond him,right? You’ll have your miracle just believe and trust God.

      • Maya July 19, 2016 / 2:40 pm

        This post moved me … You’re such an amazing person! Your nephews and nieces are blessed to have you in their life and hopefully when they’re older and understand how unpredictable and cruel life can be sometimes, they’ll realise that you’re the superhero!!! Hat off and sorry for what you’ve gone through. At least you have the gift of being surrounded by all these precious babies!

    • Anonymous July 9, 2016 / 3:50 pm

      Gracias!!!

    • Kinoti Kithuri August 23, 2016 / 12:11 am

      Excellent piece, society Needsv to grow up to let woman own herself, decide her plan live by it and go for it. She owns no ones an explanation for her choices just as men have be left to plan en live by their choices. A woman is not a societies’ religious systems, cultural expectations, name it… Object she is self rational propelling being capable of thoughts, decisions, actions and living her choices without having to look over her shoulders for your approval. Learn to live with the fact society!

    • Anonymous December 3, 2016 / 3:59 pm

      Nice comments but it makes an assumption that every woman wants children and who doesn’t have them it’s only because they can’t. what about those women and/or couples that make a conscious choice not to have children and still have to listen to all the questions, comment and advice of well-meaning others? This blog just adds to to it all…

      • N. Angail December 20, 2016 / 10:13 pm

        No assumptions here. The only women I’m referring to are the women mentioned in the piece. There are many other people I could have included but didnt. Not because I wanted to leave them out, but because I had a particular focus. This was inspired by conversations I’ve had. I’m aware there are women who don’t want children. Nothing wrong with that. That just wasn’t the topic.

  2. Bisma Shahzad May 27, 2016 / 12:27 am

    What I would’ve liked to see is the dilemma women who just do not want to have children at all face. Because the society gives them a pretty hard time too.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:21 am

      Yep. That’s an issue as well. I focused on the issues that have been on my heart. This isn’t exhaustive. Thanks for commenting.

    • Kady May 27, 2016 / 9:58 am

      Thank you for posting this response! Some of us choose not to have children. We are truly ok with this decision!

    • Amy May 27, 2016 / 1:36 pm

      I’m so with you too. More people need to understand that there is no shame in NOT wanting children. Thank you for the comment! xo

    • Alexandria May 27, 2016 / 1:46 pm

      Yes! For us young ladies who are looked upon as “child haters” or “selfish jerks” because we don’t have the deep seeded need to hold a baby in our arms. I am a 26 year old speech therapist to kindergartners and first graders in a school system… and people look at me like I am nuts when I say I don’t want children any time soon.

      • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:15 pm

        You dont seem nuts at all! Continue to do whatever makes YOU happy!

    • Jgreen May 27, 2016 / 2:32 pm

      I agree I was going to say the same thing, what about the women who choose to not have children, it seems like we need to have an excuse not to.

      • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:10 pm

        Nope, no excuse needed. Just bc I didnt mention it doesnt mean its not relevant. I said what was on my heart based on conversations I’ve had. Tell your story, sis. The world is waiting!

    • CJB (@C_Black) May 27, 2016 / 3:37 pm

      And those women who refuse to be a single mom so until they get married, no kids coming from them.

      • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 11:06 pm

        Right! I’m 37, divorced, no kids. I get asked all the time by my one cousin if I’m going to have kids. (She had her first at 15.) I always answer “maybe if I get married again.” She doesn’t understand.

      • Kait May 29, 2016 / 10:49 am

        Waiting for marriage doesn’t guarantee that you won’t end up being a single mother.

    • Sonali May 27, 2016 / 3:46 pm

      My thoughts exactly ! 😊

    • vocaldistraction May 27, 2016 / 6:11 pm

      I agree! I was looking for the comment “button” to say that! I have a number of female friends who simply choose not to have any kids! And people are ALWAYS asking them stupid questions about not having any! It’s ridiculous! No matter the situation, just mind your own WOMB! 😉

      • Davi May 28, 2016 / 8:55 am

        Yup I totally love the ‘mind your own womb’ statement. After being married for 10 yrs (got married at 24) , me and my husband have made a choice to not have kids yet. And it’s really tough when people ask u questions and either give you lectures about not having kids or give you a look of pity cause they assume something has to be wrong with one of us if we haven’t had kids yet. Love this article by the way and love that you have written it with your perspective

      • Kii June 4, 2016 / 3:40 pm

        Thankyou to the author for giving me a new perspective and a greater understanding of woman in these situations.

        I have never wanted children and don’t forsee myself having any. As part of my work I will see many people each day so I get asked at least once a day. I simply reply that I’m not a maternal person and don’t like or want kids. In 15 years of doing this I have only had one person carry on in a rude/offensive manner. I find most people are supportive of my decision as I am supportive of there’s to have, try for… children.
        Everyone has a different life experience and listening to different perspectives from those around us can give us something we may never be able to get on our own, there are many times in my life i thought i new the answers to something when on discussion with others I found a deeper truer understanding or even completely changed my mind, so I would ask that instead of not communicatin with each other for fear of hurting someone, we be sensitive, generous, and loving in our questions or comments and that we offer support and friendship with our words. Don’t stop communicating ladies, we need each other! just stop the thoughtless words.

    • b May 28, 2016 / 9:35 am

      Bisma – agreed! This is another reality that affects many women, and is certainly heavily stigmatized.

    • Vid June 4, 2016 / 1:32 am

      Exactly my thoughts! As I read, I kept thinking, “Cried because she didn’t want a child.” It could happen to any of those women. Maybe they chose. Maybe they didn’t have a choice.

    • Anonymous June 7, 2016 / 6:08 am

      Agreed, though not having kids doesnt pose any dilema for me, nor do I care what anyone else thinks.

    • Kullike June 30, 2016 / 2:38 am

      I agree with you 100%. I m getting that for the last 10 yrs. my family and friends have let it go, my husbands side it is getting worse…. my decision is a divorce

    • Marie September 2, 2016 / 11:13 pm

      There is a difference between a woman who CHOOSES not to have a child than one who has suffered multiple miscarriages and longs to be a mother…. the pain they face every day..the comments… the hurt… is not a choice. They have experienced the joy of becoming a mother only to suffer the physical pain and emotional pain of losing something they long for. Big difference.

  3. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 1:48 am

    Great article!

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:20 am

      Thank you and thanks for commenting.

    • Kiran May 27, 2016 / 9:55 am

      Wonderful article I suffered alot when after 5 years of marriage and trying we were deprived of this blessing. Its only woman who listens everyone feels so helpless.this article is a true reflection of people n society around us.

      • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 10:35 am

        Thanks for sharing and commenting.

      • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 1:19 pm

        So true

  4. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 3:20 am

    Well I ve basically never commented on any blog or website , but your article really moved me! You highlighted the emotional ride we all go through atleast once in our life!Sharing it for sure! Keep it up n following you for amazing writeups!

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:20 am

      Thank you for the kind words and for taking the time to comment! I really appreciate it.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:19 am

      Glad you received it. Thanks for commenting.

  5. shikoeva May 27, 2016 / 6:33 am

    Awesome read .. wish we would all understand the circumstances of ppl b4 we give our almost always most unneeded comments or opinions

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:17 am

      Right. May we all learn to be more sensitive. Thanks for commenting.

  6. M szolis May 27, 2016 / 6:59 am

    Important arcticle but the writer failed to include the older, “aging” woman who has no children and of course, grandchildren.. These are women who are sometimes invaded with questions as well.
    ….there are also the thoughts from others maybe left unsaid..
    This is not just about younger women.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:17 am

      There are so many other scenarios I could have mentioned. This could have easily been much longer. But I did these three scenarios because I know people in these situations. But my not mentioning women over 40 doesn’t mean they don’t have the same issues. I just focused on what has been on my heart based on conversations I’ve had. Thanks for commenting.

      • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 3:04 pm

        My first ever comment on any blog.voice of our heart, also if someone have 2 daughters,and is very happy with both, and no plans for 3rd…..at the birth of 2nd hawww still incomplete,chch another chance for boy…so whn u r bringing thr brother?? Oh girl again no prob ubhav to try again…..i mean wth with such ppl..y dnt thy mind thr own business!!

  7. Alia May 27, 2016 / 7:37 am

    To each their own, we should just be mindful of other, brilliant piece.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:12 am

      yes, to each their own. Thanks for commenting.

  8. bbgtonline May 27, 2016 / 7:59 am

    I don’t want kids right now and I feel that it’s ok. I love this article! Mind your own womb folks!

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:05 am

      Yep, definitely ok! Glad youre confident in your decision! Thanks for commenting

  9. saad sheikh May 27, 2016 / 8:02 am

    Great article!! Only if our societies learn to respect such issues.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:12 am

      Thank you and thanks for commenting!

  10. Anne May 27, 2016 / 8:04 am

    Well put, its God who gives. As humans when we accomplish or we are blessed by God, we forget easily the source of the blessing and when we come across those who are yet to receive the same, we judge them wrongly or talk carelessly causing them heartaches.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:11 am

      exactly! Thanks for commenting

  11. Xa Dailey May 27, 2016 / 8:46 am

    People don’t get it sometimes, and you definitely get it

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:11 am

      so many people don’t get it! Thanks for commenting.

  12. Sarah May 27, 2016 / 8:57 am

    I am frustrated by the authors portrayal that a women’s only recourse to unspeakable rude & insensitive comments is silent weeping. It’s perfectly acceptable to politely inform people that such personal comments are inappropriate, & hurtful. In our social media soaked lives we need to guard our privacy & set boundaries more clearly!

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:10 am

      Not the only recourse at all. This isnt an exhaustive portrayal of every woman who has been in these situations. No such thing exists. Im writing about the experiences of those who do not speak back, either because they feel embarrassed or they’ve done it before and got tired of doing it or for any other reason. There are many women who wont find themselves described here. I’m aware of that, and that’s ok. Thanks for commenting.

    • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 1:34 pm

      Ditto!

  13. Sno May 27, 2016 / 9:18 am

    @Sarah, I think what the author is trying to convey is perpetually defending your womb is tiring and frustrating trying to battle pre-conceived notions and unsolicited opinions. I ‘ve seen it and been subjected to this very mindset. And sometimes you just don’t feel like extending the energy to defend yourself.

    • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 5:50 pm

      I agree with your comment, it does become tiring trying to defend why you don’t have kids! Especially if you have been tryung for 6 years. Sometimes, it’s not easy to explain then you have to answer questions or people will say “just relax”….lol!

  14. YoungMom May 27, 2016 / 9:42 am

    Thought it was interesting you mentioned 5 kids. I’m a divorcee with 2 biological children and am now dating a divorced single father with 3 kids. Everytime we go out with the kids together we look like a family of 5, yet we never intended to actually have 5 children. Not to mention our kids end up being pretty close in age (the youngest 3 have about a year between each other). We never intended for our respective marriages to fall apart but they did and, if God intends, we will someday be a family of 5. I think society is incredibly judgmental and I could see how a lot of blended families may experience the judgment heaped on them without anyone being aware of what they have been through. Divorce and single parenting is a tough road, one that no one understands until they have walked through it.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 9:49 am

      You are so right. As an outsider, you have no idea whats going on, so its best to just mind your business. I get comments too when im out with my kids plus my 5 nieces and nephews. It looks like I have 7 kids. If I did, thats my business and there would be absolutely nothing wrong with it.

      Thanks for commenting. Hope it works out with you and your growing family!

    • Anonymous June 5, 2016 / 7:59 pm

      This is not just hard on the parents, but also on the kids, I come from a family of 13 kids. My mom had 8 of her own when she met my step father who had 5 daughters of his own. We were constantly made fun of at school. Things like that’s not a family, that’s a heard. But all in all, most of us stuck together as a family and defended our own. In alot of ways, it made us closer. 🙄

  15. Gariyo May 27, 2016 / 9:52 am

    Wow beautifully written and sure there are so many scenarios and women who haven’t been mentioned but the ones who have are so real and you’ve captured their sentiments. I definitely identified with this and the hurt caused by unwanted and at times insensitive comments and advice!

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 10:36 am

      Thanks for understanding my perspective and thanks for commenting!

  16. Steffi Diniz May 27, 2016 / 10:00 am

    Beautiful message. I am one of the women whose suffering… I love this article.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 10:29 am

      May you be blessed! Thanks for commenting.

  17. funlayoe May 27, 2016 / 10:19 am

    A lovely and poingant post. I’m really annoyed by the commenters critiquing what you “failed” to include. As you stated, it’s from a perspective that’s personal to you, not an exhaustive list of possible situations or possible responses, nor is it an academic article. If folks want to see a wider variety of situations and responses, perhaps they should get to writing about them. Oy!

    In any case you did a wonderful job of touching on why folk should mind their business. You really never know what a person has gone through and how hurtful those wuestions/comments can be.

  18. Deb May 27, 2016 / 10:29 am

    Best message…mind your own womb. I am in my 30s, positive I don’t want children. And I shouldn’t apologise for that…or be made to feel like less of me. Important message indeed.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 10:34 am

      Yes. Your body, your choice. No apologies needed! Thanks for commenting.

  19. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 10:34 am

    Yes this is really our society problem .these type of women are everywhere all around us.we should respect to them

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 10:34 am

      indeed. Thanks for commenting.

  20. Nancy Kemuma May 27, 2016 / 10:52 am

    This is so true. Let everyone mind their own womb. As much as the society tries to make us feel bad about ourselves, let everyone mind their business. I conceived at 19. Everyone was like, ain’t you too young?

  21. Alishe May 27, 2016 / 11:21 am

    I had thought I never want kids …I got two and am exhausted ..if by bad lack one beats the contraceptives like some do…Respect my womb !!I will not keep it..it my womb me alone knows why I would choose that Lane ..holier than thous will condemn but its a woman’s choice wat goes in en out her womb..

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:26 pm

      i have two too and they run me ragged! Thanks for commenting.

  22. sasha May 27, 2016 / 11:22 am

    Gosh this post broke me 2 pieces I am one of those woman

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:25 pm

      Didnt mean to break you in two. Sending love your way! Thanks for commenting!

  23. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 11:52 am

    I read but never leave comments. Today however, I wanted to thank you for putting this out there. This judgmental attitude towards women begins at marriage time. People comment and ask questions as if not having found a partner makes one lesser. “Mind your own womb” could easily be extended to “Mind your own life”.

  24. esnyaga May 27, 2016 / 11:52 am

    Reblogged this on Es' Diary and commented:
    This post reflects what women really feel. Each person is different and has a different womb, truly lets respect that

  25. Danielle May 27, 2016 / 11:58 am

    Crying now. It’s not too late for me yet but my tears started when I read about the 40 year old who always “wanted at least three.” I also have one child, and it’s hard to constantly make jokes and fake laughter about my marriage ending before I could have any more. And now that I’m too overweight to even consider dating because I’ve turned into a self conscious wreck. It really helps to read about scenarios where other women are feeling just as hurt about baby issues. Thank you so much for this, I needed a good cry. Still wiping away tears.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:23 pm

      You’re welcome! Glad to give you that cleansing cry. Sorry to hear that youre so self conscious. No pressure, but if you’d like to talk more, please email me. nadirah.angail@gmail.com

  26. Helena Zakharia May 27, 2016 / 1:02 pm

    Fantastic article. It touches each and every one of us. It is the women, who are forever asking the questions. People need to be more sensitive and respect the privacy of everyone. Thank you.

  27. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 1:14 pm

    Thank you for this powerful article. Thank you…

  28. AM May 27, 2016 / 1:39 pm

    You should havw included women that don’t want any children and are scrutinized and judged by society for that.

  29. Gaelyn May 27, 2016 / 1:55 pm

    Beautiful beautiful beautiful. I am that first woman. I know women you’ve described in each paragraph. Thank you, for putting so eloquently what so many women battle to share.

  30. Sadonna May 27, 2016 / 2:18 pm

    I thought this was beautifully written. As someone who did not/does not want children, I don’t feel slighted that my scenario wasn’t included. The point is the same – unthinking and insensitive commentary on other women’s reproductive lives is unnecessary, intrusive and frankly, rude. Yes, I’ve heard the “You’ll regret it” speech many times and most annoyingly “repeated” from conversations ABOUT me with others by my own mother! At nearly 54, I can honestly say I have not once regretted my decision, much to the chagrin of my sister and other family members who apparently would be happy to watch me suffer if I did. The real takeaway from this post is that unsolicited comments on anyone’s family situation is just plain bad manners – so let’s just all stop it.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:13 pm

      “The real takeaway from this post is that unsolicited comments on anyone’s family situation is just plain bad manners” YES! –Glad you get it!

  31. Karunya May 27, 2016 / 2:21 pm

    Depicted the reality. For me, It took a year and half to conceive , after marriage. Any good news, any good news was the question everywhere and anywhere. After my first son, I conceived again within a year, and again questions. “So soon” “so soon” “Ah! So now you are done and can be free after few years”… Grrrrrrrr👿
    Everyone has a opinion. Please. We never what their situation is.. Give them some space. Respect their feelings…

  32. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 2:32 pm

    Was reading through feeling for the ladies. Got friends who go through that. But I cry when at thirty I have one boy and people around me keep asking…. Wen number two will come. He says he needs a brother I can’t say yes or no to him. Cz deep down I know he is my miracle after two miscarriages. This is true we go through this every day. We cry. But I cry for those who would wish to have and can’t get.

  33. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 2:38 pm

    Thank you for this piece. It’s so liberating to have these types of topics discussed and be reminded that we aren’t suffering in isolation. You lifted up my spirits this afternoon – thank you.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:08 pm

      So happy to lift your spirits!

  34. KA May 27, 2016 / 2:48 pm

    Appreciate the points raised . Women whose husband was aware of his incapabilities of having kids and got her into a marriage falsetully. Hidden truths. Welldone.

  35. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 2:50 pm

    It amazes me in this day and age that people still feel so comfortable to chime in about such a personal matter. People have a lot of reasons. For us, it largely boils down to finances. Which is another embarrassing topic. It really bothers me that people ask my mom, too, about me having kids like there is something wrong with her for not being a grandmother yet. Some people like to take the rudeness to a multi-generational level!

  36. Caitlin May 27, 2016 / 2:57 pm

    Thank you. That’s all I can say without crying all over my keyboard.

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:06 pm

      Aww. you’re so welcome, sis!

  37. Catherine May 27, 2016 / 3:01 pm

    Wow such a powerful piece and rings true with me. No one knows what it feels like unless you are going through it. Thank you for writing it.

  38. fouzea May 27, 2016 / 3:40 pm

    Really a nice article.true reflection of our society

  39. Vinnie May 27, 2016 / 4:14 pm

    Funny how no commentary on the woman who chose to be Childless and cries because she’s sick of hearing a million times how she’ll change her mind And cries because everyone asks who will take care of her when she’s old when their own children aren’t caring for them now. Cries because everyone thinks she’s barren or selfish or heartless. Cries because she values life and is capable of care and everyone assumes that is not the case because she chooses not to give life to fill a void. Trap a man. Save a marriage. …
    Not that ANY of these women should cry! Hold your head high. Be confident proud and secure in your choices and give all those chatty Cathy’s the look that says. Mind your own damn womb!!!

  40. Stacey Castor May 27, 2016 / 4:28 pm

    They weep, in part, because society says their worth is dependent on archaic expectations, and some have bought into that. They weep because people feel free to comment when they shouldn’t, and they don’t want to be rude. And because their heart is broken. I get it my sisters. ❤️

  41. AdoptiveBlackMom May 27, 2016 / 4:30 pm

    Reblogged this on AdoptiveBlackMom and commented:
    I might add, “You didn’t want to have your ‘own’ kids?”

    They don’t know that I very much consider Hope my OWN daughter. They don’t know that I’m not capable of having a biological child. They don’t know a lot of things including how the sting of the comment often hurts so much that I drop a few tears at the first opportunity of being alone.

  42. Angel May 27, 2016 / 4:49 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I had an instant reaction to it. I shared it in my FB and other women also reacted positively. I wish your article could be compulsory reading for everyone at a wedding reception! Leave us and our wombs alone. I hope you address in another article the women who choose not to have children. I am sure you will put an engaging light on it.

  43. Anon May 27, 2016 / 5:01 pm

    I loved this post, thank you! It’s right on in a lot of ways. My only concern is that I don’t think the decision to have a large number of kids affects only the parents. Population is a global issue and people (esp in rich countries) use a lot of resources and produce a lot of waste. Having more kids is harder on the planet and harder on everyone else sharing limited resources. One could argue that a couple having more than two kids is contributing to overpopulation while a couple having one or none is helping slow it. I don’t want to make a blanket statement because some big families are very respectful of the earth and other people and take less than their share, while some single people are crazy wasteful. But I just want to raise the issue (without judgement) that I worry impact on the planet isn’t often considered in family planning.

  44. Lameka May 27, 2016 / 5:17 pm

    Thanks for such a great article! It hit home in more ways than one with me! I’m a former teen mom and I always longed to have more children as I got older. I tried for years to conceive with my former husband, but do to his health issues we simply could not! He unexpectedly passed away in 2009, but since his death I was blessed with a wonderful man of God! I pleased to say that we now have a beautiful 3 month old baby girl. I had almost giving up my dreams of having more children, but I’m glad that God taught me patience and taught me to depend on him. He has truly giving me the desires of my heart. Sincerely mom of 2 . My children are 21, 3 months old

    • N. Angail May 27, 2016 / 5:30 pm

      What a beautiful testimony. Thanks for sharing!

  45. Helen May 27, 2016 / 6:01 pm

    Very heart touching article! Each woman has her own untold story!

  46. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 6:33 pm

    This was a well written article. My husband and I had one child when we were in our early 30s and for years I was asked by nosy relatives if we were going to have a second one. So I started replying, “Are you asking me about my sex life?” Not angrily, not defensively, but matter-of-factly. The question pointed out that what they were asking about was very personal and intrusive and made them uncomfortable, because nobody really wants to imagine you having sex. We did eventually have a second child, there is a 6 year gap in their ages. But nobody asks me anymore, as 2 children seems to be the accepted norm.

      • Patricia Echevarria May 27, 2016 / 11:04 pm

        Awesome response!! I have 3 children 1 boy 2 girls-My own Doctor told me-NO MORE PAT!! I married a man with 9 kids-this made 12!!!

      • Faith May 28, 2016 / 12:54 pm

        Oh wow!!!
        I use that line too and they become so uncomfortable.
        We don’t have any kids… Yet.

  47. Christina May 27, 2016 / 6:38 pm

    For everyone who is telling her what she should’ve wrote, why don’t you write your own blog? I can identify with this over and over. In fact my first ivf failed with a miscarriage and all I could think was why me? What did I do wrong? Now, I’m starting my second round the the 31st. Also, why would you people who do not want to have kids even click on a blog about infertility? Before the excuse comes out that you didn’t know that was was it was about, you could tell from the first few lines and you could’ve stopped reading like mature adults and clicked the X in the upper left hand corner. Instead you decide to make such a beautifully written blog into something about a sterotype. If you don’t want to have children, I think you will find alot of infertile women will respect that. So don’t judge before you ask.

    • Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 7:40 pm

      Such a great response. She did an amazing article.

    • Marie Christelle Calixte May 27, 2016 / 7:45 pm

      No one is the cause that you are infertile so you have absolutely NO excuse to be as rude as you are right now. I would be sorry for your hardship but I am not because you are so bitter about it I guess you dont need compassion. Be mad at people that actually did something to you lady!

    • Candiajia May 27, 2016 / 10:36 pm

      Beautifully written! I read. I cried! It put a voice to all the tormenting thoughts and conversations I’ve had in my head when I sit alone; at the beginning of another cycle; when I hear my daughter complains that everyone she knows has a sibling and tells us that “it’s not like it’s a hard process”;when I look at my husbands face; when my in-laws comments that we are wasting time.
      Thank you for sharing these ironic words of comfort and hope with us women who understands the real struggles.

      • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:14 am

        You’re welcome

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 6:58 am

      all the best with your nest round of IVF dear…

    • Sf May 28, 2016 / 7:22 am

      Sending you lots of baby dust. I hope your next ivf is successful. I just had my first iui and waiting to find out if it worked

      • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:52 am

        hope it works too!

  48. Robin S. May 27, 2016 / 6:53 pm

    I appreciated the article and connected with it, but was even more thankful to see how graciously you have responded to the hurting people reaching out to you in the comments, including those who are worried they are being left out. Thanks for being kind.

  49. Joanna May 27, 2016 / 7:01 pm

    I am grateful for this blog entry. I resemble the first woman described here, quite a bit. It’s good to know I’m not alone. We carry these losses and sufferings through life as women, and they are not easy to bear.

  50. Anne May 27, 2016 / 7:34 pm

    …cries because, although she already has 6 children, she is part of a group of women who use NFP and say they won’t (but will)judge you for not wanting to welcome more by using birth control — but her last pregnancy nearly destroyed her physically, and she can’t put herself or her family through that again… Just wants her husband to have a vasectomy in peace so she can get on enjoying the ones she already has…

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:12 am

      Sounds like you should leave that group!

    • Ashley May 28, 2016 / 1:08 pm

      Please, do what you want to do. If your husband wants to have a vasectomy, do it. If you want to go on birth control, do it. It’s your and your husband’s decision alone. It’s no one else’s decision or business. *hugs*

  51. Tokeitha K. May 27, 2016 / 7:37 pm

    Every womb has a story. Many times the stories are never published. If your lucky, a woman may just open up her heart and soul to allow you a glimpse of her pain and all that she endured. This article has so many dimensions: brokenness, boldness, triumph, tragedy and the list goes on. Thank you for shining light on women suffering in silence. Well written!

  52. Marie Christelle Calixte May 27, 2016 / 7:41 pm

    what about those women who DONT want children and are told that something must be wrong with them? This article would have been PERFECT with that included… those who are sick and tired of those comments because they are fine with the no child or one child situation…

    • Uchechi May 29, 2016 / 7:50 am

      Enough already. We now know u exist. Next person please

      • Ambrose June 28, 2016 / 3:51 pm

        Uchechi, Another rude, sanctimonious person who feels that child free women haven’t the right to speak up on a blog when it does in fact relate.

  53. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 7:51 pm

    She cries on everything,did she ever cried to God?

  54. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 8:03 pm

    Very well written!!!!

  55. Damian May 27, 2016 / 8:35 pm

    Brilliantly written and superbly informative. Thank you. My wife is pregnant with our first and the stupid stuff people say is amazing. Even the well meaning good christian folks can say some really insensitive things.

  56. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 8:46 pm

    What about the woman who just does not want to be a mother. It’s other women who make her feel guilty or they say she is selfish. I am 58 years old. It is mainly women who ask me, why? why didn’t you have children? My simple response is…. “To be truthful, I didn’t want to be a mother.” Their face expressions is one of shock. We are our worst enemy. We are quick to judge each other. We must be respectful and sympathetic to each our struggles and decisions. It is my womb and I have the right to decide so mind your own womb.

  57. lo May 27, 2016 / 9:08 pm

    Everything is relative. There are people dying of starvation in the world. People struck by illness.
    Having a child is a luxury that is taken for granted.

  58. mary May 27, 2016 / 9:51 pm

    Such truth here. Thank you for articulating it. My sister just had her third child in 4 years, and had a co-worker laughingly exclaim ‘we’ll have to teach you about birth control’ in front of a group of colleagues. I, in the meantime, am trying to get pregnant with my second, so far (farther than I thought) without any luck, and have had so, so many people rib me about having only one at my age. Tick tock, right, I know, thanks for reminding me. Anyhow, beautifully written. Thank you.

  59. Sharon May 27, 2016 / 10:25 pm

    After four years of trying to get pregnant, we finally conceived. I became very ill and was house-bound, mostly bed-ridden for the duration. My neurologist advised me that another pregnancy could cause a stroke. So I have a wonderful son, who sometimes wishes he had a sibling, and an ex-husband who left me to pursue someone healthier. But none of this is anyone’s business except my close friends, who know my story. And here’s a category not mentioned in this blog – those of us who are plus-sized and are asked if we’re pregnant, and even more impertinently, when the due date is! I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy now. Don’t ask unless you want to risk hurting my feelings and I won’t risk hurting yours by telling you how rude you are.

  60. Melissa May 27, 2016 / 10:25 pm

    Thank you for this. One comment I would add is not to forget that just because a woman has a child does not mean she gave birth. I have an adopted son who happens to resemble me and my spouse. Many people assume that we could/should have more when we couldn’t even conceive in the first place. I sometimes feel like a fraud around other mothers because I can’t join in the stories of pregnancy and giving birth and people don’t know our full story.

  61. mighulo May 27, 2016 / 10:40 pm

    I dont have a baby yet but this blog is simply amazing. Its given me a new perspective on appreciating all women especially my sister who took a stand on not wanting kids or marriage. Thanks alot for encouraging us women to be strong no matter what. #mywombmybusiness

  62. Anonymous May 27, 2016 / 10:41 pm

    Wow!! a great read!

  63. Ritu May 27, 2016 / 11:00 pm

    Beautiful! I loved every word o it

  64. Hello All May 27, 2016 / 11:11 pm

    How about instead of all the “crying”, people just understand that God has a plan for every woman. Some include children, some don’t. It doesn’t make any one person more or less of a woman. There is true joy in all scenarios, but people have to be open to seeing it.

    • SWG May 28, 2016 / 2:30 pm

      That doesn’t make it any less painful. Crying is a way to deal with the bad feelings. How about you understanding it’s much harder to accept God’s plan when it looks unfair when everyone else has what you want. And don’t be judgey.

      • Anonymous June 30, 2016 / 12:49 pm

        SWG so true

      • Jordansmom769 June 30, 2016 / 12:53 pm

        SWG so true. Especially when God’s plan seems to allow women who abuse or worse, to be able to have them in the first place but He won’t seem to allow the one who wants and deserves to have them.

  65. Nadiah Ibrahim May 27, 2016 / 11:15 pm

    Dear fellow hijabi friend,

    Just to let you know this is a beautifully well written article. I can only say that i understand the feelings as my husband and i are struggling for 7 years with 3 failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF ended with a miscarriage. Everyone has their own journey and the most important thing is we should redha and trust in Him.

    Praying for the best for everyone who is in the same boat.

    Love,
    Nadya

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:07 am

      Salam sis, yes. trust in Him. Oh, I’m an off and on hijabi. It’s my sturggle.

  66. Sandra May 27, 2016 / 11:16 pm

    I wonder why there is nothing about a woman whose ok being child free..that does not even seem to be a choice unfortunately.

  67. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 12:02 am

    Very beautifully written !

  68. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 12:03 am

    I do really like the article (and agree with the general sentiment), however it does bother me that each scenario focuses on women with husbands. It’s hard to always sympathize with those who have found life partners when some women would LOVE to have the opportunity to face the described challenges of motherhood.

    Practicing gratitude for what you have, I’ve found, does help alleviate tears for perceived lack. (But yes, still no one’s business what your own choices have been.)

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:05 am

      I mentioned specifically that some have husbands. Not all.

  69. Subha May 28, 2016 / 12:36 am

    That was awesome article!Every woman can relate to it!

  70. Mo May 28, 2016 / 12:49 am

    This is a beautiful article..I am one of those women who needs to think of different ways to reply..been married for 16 yrs ..did everything..a failed IVF too..hysterectomy done..it still hurts when I am faced with this question

  71. Kelly May 28, 2016 / 12:57 am

    Me and my husband are trying ti get a baby but every time he tries to leave his ssperms inside of me it keeps running out back, no matter what. Can you tell me what’s the problem. Reply to my email please and thank you

  72. Stephanie May 28, 2016 / 1:17 am

    I have 10 kids. 4 I gave birth to and 6 my husband has from previous marriage. 2 of my birth babies are from my ex and 2 are from my husband. I have lost a friend because she thought I should not of had my last child. She was upset with me because she had to have a hysterectomy because of cancer. We was friends for 8 years. I didn’t tell her I was pregnant because I knew it would hurt her. When she found out she first told me I didn’t need another one. She was right I didn’t need her but I wanted her. I didn’t need any of my children but I wanted them. They are my life. She told me I couldn’t afford another child. My husband and I are well off don’t have any kind of state help. Then she told me the truth she couldn’t be around me anymore because it would be to hard on her. I told her I would carry a child for her and my husband didn’t even mind but her husband did. We parted ways I still cry because I miss her.

  73. fakhiraaziz84 May 28, 2016 / 2:00 am

    I have loved this blog… brought tears to my eyes… this is fourth year of my marriage and finally im expecting… but the last four years, every day every night everyone has asked me so much that there were times when i wanted to committ suicide, even my own mom almost daily called me n said when are you going to have children… n i used to cry over it for nights and nights coz nothing was in my hand… and i didnt know when am i going to have children … and … i cant explain the pain that i had…. Allah has finally took me out of it and i am going to give birth to one soon. but i still sometimes rewind that nightmare and get terrified… may Allah bless u all

  74. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 2:02 am

    Thank you for this beautiful post. I have many dear to me who are suffering in the scenarios described first and third. I myself fall in the 2nd. It was so nice to feel included. My heart aches for friends who suffer with infertility for one reason or another but it hurts too that I feel unable to share my doubt or pain because I’ve been able to have children and I want them. I tire of being told that my pain, discomfort, etc. doesn’t matter because I CAN have children. We all can suffer our own pain and adversity in life, even if it isn’t the same. I wish we could all be a bit kinder and more understanding with each other.

  75. sassikatt May 28, 2016 / 2:15 am

    Very well written. Very true. There is also another woman – the one who never had children for many reasons, including by choice and not by choice. It’s one that I come up against far too often. You really hit all this on the head. Well done.

  76. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 4:12 am

    I belong to the first group. Everyone has their own battle to fight. Be kind always.

  77. yori May 28, 2016 / 4:12 am

    Thank you for writing it. Thank you for understanding the cry we hide.

    Sincerely, woman who has been married for four years with no child yet.

  78. Alap ND May 28, 2016 / 4:44 am

    This is one of the most concise, yet most comprehensive articles that deals oft neglected, but tormenting issues about Pregnancy. Truly, invasive people make it their personal agenda to torment.
    But let me remind you… the husband is equally tortured. Both of them face such utterly ridiculous questions & comments on a daily basis.
    Eventually, you simply become indifferent… You have to.. Or else these comments will hurt beyond repair.. Worse… You will take a decision out of desperation.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:56 am

      Yep. Was just focused on women.

  79. Nandy May 28, 2016 / 4:45 am

    Lovely article. But I wish you had included one more small but significant segment of women. Those that love kids, but have never wanted to have one of their own, don’t have one and are completely content with not having one. These women are constantly treated as though there is something abnormal about not wanting to procreate and as though they are somehow selfish. When in reality, they are just as selfish as someone who wants a child and goes ahead to make one. She has the courage to live her authentic self. And not do something just because ‘others expect her’ to do it.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:56 am

      Understood. I had a particular focus with this piece.

  80. Trish May 28, 2016 / 5:11 am

    May I add respectfully, that there are some like myself that have peacefully and thoughtfully chosen not to have a child.

  81. Angel May 28, 2016 / 5:23 am

    Lovely article i must say. thanks for this peice sis. Its not an easy road when you have to answer questions i would consider daft. Like”what are u pple waiting for to have kids”hmmmm” you and ur hubby are still doing love” bla bla bla. Their prying eyes towards ur tommy is so glaring. Once one is married, everyone expects dere should be a baby in 9 months time. Most times i feel like telling them,”we are waiting for u to come help us have kids” been in this situation for over 2 years and i am sick of the questions. Much as a try to shove it off, it affects my mood and i do have sleepless nights crying out my eyes #Isupport 100%# mindyourownwomb#

  82. Girl with a similar fate May 28, 2016 / 5:52 am

    This is a wonderful blog….it makes me realize that I am not alone… with what i am going through, being in my late 30s and married for more than 7 years and cannot afford IVF….i agree mind your own womb…..Love it.

  83. virgy sera May 28, 2016 / 6:24 am

    Uve really said it many couples goes through lots of hussle bfore having kids some dont lets continue prayng for marriage lyf n especially those having this challenge of having kids, may the gdd lord hve mercy on them n hear there prayers, amen amen ameeeen

  84. Emily May 28, 2016 / 6:27 am

    Thank you so much for this, it needed to be said x x x

  85. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 6:32 am

    This is all very true! Don’t forget the ones who don’t want to have children too. I get comments from my family ALL the time…”when are you going good to have kids” …”you know there’s women who can’t have kids out there”…”that’s what your body is meant to do”…like. No. Just no. My body is going to do what I want it to do. Not what society feels I Should do. I shouldn’t have to explain why I don’t want children at every family event. “Mind your own womb”. Love it and using it from now on too lol

  86. Saba May 28, 2016 / 6:48 am

    A very sensible and eye opener for everyone who have such women around you. Its very sensitive topic and we needs to be very careful, we unknowingly and knowingly hurt someone..i don’t understand one thing ..Life and death is in the hand of God… why not such curious people ask these question to the God. and now i think i got my answer while writing this comment..they are those 4 people who keep bothering at every stage of ur life.. So Nadirah , i know its difficult but ignore such people and live ur life to the fullest…God bless you

  87. Lesley May 28, 2016 / 6:49 am

    This is all very true! Don’t forget the ones who don’t want to have children too. I get comments from my family ALL the time…”when are you going good to have kids” …”you know there’s women who can’t have kids out there”…”that’s what your body is meant to do”…like. No. Just no. My body is going to do what I want it to do. Not what society feels I Should do. I shouldn’t have to explain why I don’t want children at every family event. “Mind your own womb”. Love it and using it from now on too lol

  88. Susan Gray May 28, 2016 / 6:55 am

    My husband and I chose not to have children and a close relative was worried about what other people would think. It was our choice and occasionally people ask me why I didn’t have children and I tell them the truth. Although I didn’t have children of my own, I was a,special education teacher and touched the lives of many children. If I had had children of my own I would have been a stay at home mom and I wouldn’t have met those precious children that some saw as to hopeless where I saw hope. I have plenty of nieces and nephews and the peace if mind that I helped many children in my life

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:53 am

      sounds like you have a great life!

  89. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 7:22 am

    Perfect! My sentiments exactly

  90. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 7:35 am

    I myself fit into several of these scenarios you wrote about. It was a lot of heart-wrenching times during my child-bearing years. I am safely through them and now have beautiful grandchildren to love.
    I agree with all that you wrote with a question about only one line. In the scenario of the fruitful mother with many children…in this day and age of contraception, even for very religious people, it is definitely a choice to have a large family. So why would a woman who gladly has many children be upset that no one offers help? If you can’t handle all the work involved, why have so many? That seems irresponsible. Maybe I just misunderstood your thought.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:51 am

      Not saying she had so many and now cant support them without help. Everyone needs help sometimes, regardless of how many kids you have. Im just making a point that people often come with something negative to offer rather than something positive. Help could literally be just being kind.

  91. Lydia May 28, 2016 / 7:43 am

    Every woman should read this.. Its a very heart touching article. Thanks

  92. Marianne May 28, 2016 / 8:28 am

    I cry because I hurt. I don’t give a crap about society or what they say. Trust me, I’ve heard it all. I’m way past the comments now, after years of hearing them. My husband and I waited until our 30’s to start to have children because after my diagnosis of type 2 diabetes, a nutritionist scared us so bad that we literally were terrified to start a family. We eventually did in our 30’s. I had fertility issues with the first, but started what ended as a successful pregnancy 8 months later. For almost 8 years, we tried again. Infertility plagued us once again, with after lots of testing, nothing could be pi pointed as a cause. So we tried IUI countless times with multiple medications, with no success. We moved on to try one round of IVF. That ended with two implantations, with no embryos to try again. It was all horrible and both financially and optionally draining. We are still struggling financially because of it. Them, when I was 38, we decided to try the drug that helped us the first time. We had tried it at least 7 times after that but it didn’t work. We tried it again in January of 2014. Miraculously, it worked the first time. Finally, a second pregnancy. Everything was going so well. Every test came back with good results. Even an ultrasound 5 days before had come back with a score of 8 out of 8. Sadly, at a doctors appointment, we learned that there was no heartbeat. I was one day shy of 28 weeks. Our sweet baby was stillborn. So, I could really care less about what people say. I cry because it hurts so much. I cry because I will never have him back. I cry because I will never see him alive. I cry because I feel like it was my fault. I cry because our family will never feel complete. I cry because my son will never know him. I cry because I watched my husband silently grieve. I cry because I miss my baby. I cry because sometimes it’s all I can do. I’m not posting to “say” anything to anybody or anyone. I just hope someone can gain perspective.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:46 am

      thanks for sharing your story!

  93. Ojevwe Oride May 28, 2016 / 8:31 am

    What a story, really love it

  94. Lisa May 28, 2016 / 8:37 am

    I had an almost 3 year old and a 6 month old and went into the library wearing a dress that was full around my belly. Popped my 6 month old on the counter and the librarian said,”Wow, pregnant again???” I responded with…no, just fat…that shut her up!! Some people just don’t think before they speak!!! Little did this woman know I had 3 pregnancies in 3 years and lost one to miscarriage. My body was a little stressed. I was breastfeeding and recovering. Don’t judge till you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 1:52 pm

      I’m so sorry we lost a a 2 1/2 grandson to drowning. My dau g hter has a 14 yr old a 12 yr old a 11 yr old and a 10 yr old. I say its a persons own business

      • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 1:55 pm

        I agree. I have an 8, 6, 4, and 2 year old and feel so so blessed. It is no one else’s business what each person chooses to do. Sometimes they don’t have a choice and are making the best decision they can. Sometimes they make the choice and it is their own to make.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 7:24 pm

      Wow you are so right and I fit in one of the Secenarios and hate when people say exactly what this article states. I will look at women differently or ask them different questions. Like saying my mom always wanted a large family, was that your intent as well? If that is ok?

    • Linda May 28, 2016 / 11:23 pm

      I’m guilty of having said this to a waitress one Mother’s day lunch. I asked because she was glowing, truly beautiful from the inside out and I hadn’t even noticed that she was a bit fat. She laughed and said “no, just fat” and I was mortified. She went on to talk proudly of her not yet 12 month old baby at home giving me opportunity to qualify the motivation that raised my original question. I trust that she was flattered, not offended. I trust that she was grateful to talk of her baby at home when the restaurant was full of mothers and their families whilst she was working and her family was at home. I truely hope she didn’t waste a fraction of a second feeling offended by what was a genuine compliment

  95. Christina Childress May 28, 2016 / 8:39 am

    From my childhood if anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I’d always reply, a mother. My mother knew this and in her wisdom, she allowed me to “mother” my sister and two brothers. When I was 25 I had a complete hysterectomy–ovaries weren’t producing plus I had endometriosis. I don’t know why but I didnt question why. I just told people God had another plan for me. Then found out around age 45 that my mom had taken a new anti nauseous drug that had made lots of their children unable to conceive. Glad I hadn’t spent all those years angry or sad. I’m SO grateful you put it into words for those who find it so hard to deal with it. Thank you.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:43 am

      youre welcome! Thanks for sharing!

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 2:07 pm

      I wonder if the fact that I was taking Danocrin which I was prescribed, after being diagnosed with endometriosis in the 80s. Doctor told me I would probably not be able to have children at all. Before if finished the Danocrin, I got pregnant. My daughter is in her late 20s. She doesn’t have any children. This may be her choice. However, I pray that she will be able to have children if she ever wants to. I pray that the fact that I was taking the prescribed Danocrin, after my laparoscopy procedure. Would not have any bearing on her ability to get pregnant.

      • Rebecca May 29, 2016 / 7:21 am

        I went through your same situation. I was blessed with 2 daughters, 15 months apart. The oldest has a 7 year old but have been trying for 3 years for another. My youngest was diagnosed with endo at age 23 after years of pain. She says she is not sure if she wants children but still deserves that option.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 7:26 pm

      Wow.

    • Nisha May 29, 2016 / 4:54 am

      This one was a brilliant article, and a resounding agreement to it too. I think there is a delicate difference between sounding judgemental and sounding like you care. Its about using words correctly and sparsely sometimes. Cause the more you try to get an explanation out of someone the more you remind them of their problems, only to get a rude reply in return (sometimes). Women already go through a lot of biological changes than men, I think that should be borne in mind esp by fellow women, before sounding judgemental or curious. Care don’t scare!

    • Preksha May 29, 2016 / 9:32 am

      Excellent work thank you for writing this..my best read thus far..

  96. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 8:43 am

    What a beautiful beautiful article. It brought tears to my eyes. And I am really ashamed to say that I am guilty of saying some of those things. Now I am going to just mind my womb and just offer love and support when needed. Thanks for writing this.

    • Dianne Riddick May 28, 2016 / 6:33 pm

      I am setting here crying because my 33 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (pof). The doctors offer her very little hope and all I can do is trust God to intervene because all of her life the only thing she has consistently wanted is to be a mother. Thank you for your touching article.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 11:26 pm

      This article ready spoke to me. I have 5 kids but a full 10 years between many first and second with horrible loss in between. Each one of my following children was high risk with many months in the hospital and lots of fear. We should never assume or presume anything. We all need to learn compassion, dignity, restraint and kindness. There is nothing in between that is acceptable.

    • Joy May 29, 2016 / 5:51 am

      It’s beautiful that you could be so honest and decide to change you’re outlook and behavior. Those of us that have been through this know that in most cases people are well-meaning when they ask questions. Most people have no idea how it adds salt to already painful wounds to be confronted with your reality, often in a public setting, time and time again. I would often avoid public gatherings and family functions because I just couldn’t bare it anymore. It can lead to stress, depression and isolation. If this piece has opened minds then it’s a blessing. Thanks for sharing!

    • Rachel May 29, 2016 / 9:12 am

      I’m glad the article gave you understanding. When I was trying to get pregnant I actually thought people who were asking these questions knew it was mean to ask but did so anyway. Please make sure you stop. Think about it… when you ask a person who’s been trying if they’re “pregnant yet” you’ve just screwed up their day, evening, workday or whatever. If they are trying you constantly are reminding get them that they AREN’T pregnant yet. If you were struggling to have kids how do you think that would make you feel?

  97. A May 28, 2016 / 8:55 am

    Nobody is allowed to have a basic human response to anything these days for fear of insulting or alienating someone. FFS get over it.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:48 am

      This is not about basic human response, this is about making a hasty judgement on someone else’s life and stating it as if you know what’s best. This article speaks about the daily internal struggle for millions of women all over the world,myself included. Respect that, if you don’t feel the understanding to support them, then at least don’t perpetuate the problem by posting diminishing comments.

      • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 7:31 pm

        Absolutely it is about being judgmental which I have been until recent years when you fit into one of these scenarios. Also after reading this article growing up in one of the scenarios listed maybe why my choices were what they were. Childhood be mindful of how much it can impact your children.

      • anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:14 pm

        You’re a poor excuse for a human being “A”

    • Marlena Rivera May 28, 2016 / 11:52 am

      Yes, God forbid people should actually have to think about how their words may affect others before they speak. The nerve!

    • Susan Hass May 28, 2016 / 11:59 am

      A little human compassion goes a long way. Apparently YOU never learned that. Stop being so damned selfish and thing about the other person instead of yourself.

      • wentelteefje May 28, 2016 / 11:35 pm

        Susan, don’t talk about human compassion and then call someone “damned selfish”. We should all be able to make a point without resorting to being nasty. Set the example.

    • Alex May 28, 2016 / 12:22 pm

      Amazing how the golden rule has been ‘phased out’ and basic compassion doesn’t exist anymore.

      • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 6:19 pm

        I know! We’ve got to get back to living our neighbor and having compassion!

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 12:51 pm

      I think its about time we start getting it right. But you keep sounding ignorant.

    • Z May 28, 2016 / 2:08 pm

      Right? Cry cry cry… But don’t just explain. People actually don’t care. They are just talking. Be happy in your own life and random dumb comments won’t bother you so much.

      • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 3:21 pm

        Shut your idiot mouth.

      • U don't know my name May 28, 2016 / 7:24 pm

        Everybody has a subject they are sensitive about no matter how happy they are. Wtf are you some kind of sociopath who is unable to empathize with other humans? Go have a seat.

      • Lauren May 29, 2016 / 9:04 am

        Z, I’m going to assume you don’t fit into any of these categories because I assure you that if you do, you would get it. Infertility and loss are an ugly thing that can be downright cruel. People *may* mean well, but it isn’t anyone’s business if or how many or when they will have children. People actually do care when it comes to someone else bearing children. Unless someone offers up this info to someone, we shouldn’t ask. You wouldn’t ask someone how much money they make or how much their mortgage is. Some information is meant to be private and that’s okay.

      • Kelly C. May 29, 2016 / 11:55 am

        It’s not about people being offended, it’s about a culture that believes it’s okay to judge and comment openly on a women’s fertility and body. Acquaintances and strangers don’t come up to me and ask me about my marriage or my hobbies or my extended family, my exercise regim, or even my job, but they do think they have a right to tell me what to do with my fertility. And in pregnancy, to constantly comment on my body and my weight and my shape.

        And, I am someone who is (sometimes) strong enough to answer back openly. “No,I’m not going to lie to my fiancé and stop taking the pill, because he wants to wait” “actually this is our second pregnancy, it wasn’t that ‘easy'”

      • Ambrose June 28, 2016 / 4:08 pm

        I cannot grasp WHY people care about what others think to the point it upsets them.
        Live your life your way, and ignore the ones that don’t think before they open their mouths.
        They aren’t worth the tears!

    • Melissia May 28, 2016 / 2:27 pm

      One in eight, about 12 percent, of couples are infertile. At least these are some of the latest statistics I have read about infertity. Infertility is not a new issue. Historically it appears that there have been infertile couples throughout time. What is changing is our empathy towards them. Please ask in your own family and discover which favorite relative of yours or your parents was never unable to have children of their own. Or try to imagine yourself in that same situation. We could all do to treat each other with a little more kindness.

    • Alva Alpha May 28, 2016 / 5:51 pm

      You can have a response, just keep it to yourself.

    • Lucy Gillhespy May 29, 2016 / 4:34 am

      Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Remember that. And if you’ve nothing nice to say, then it’s better to say nothing.
      This article is fantastic and reminds people of that.

    • Shut up A.. May 29, 2016 / 6:48 am

      You sound mad. Get over it dude.

    • Sandra May 29, 2016 / 7:10 am

      As someone who has heard these comments for years, my comment would be, that it’s not about my friends asking me these questions, it’s when perfect strangers (or near strangers) ask the question. Why do they feel the need to interfere in my lifetime? They don’t know/care about ME.

    • Suz May 29, 2016 / 8:50 am

      If it’s so basic, how come I never feel a compulsion to butt into the personal business of other people?

      The fact of the matter is some people feel the need to fill every passing moment with the sound of their own voice, and they need to find a way to deal instead of expecting everyone to accommodate their needy compulsions.

      Why don’t YOU get over it?

      People like you expect everyone to cater to your whims and general intrusiveness but heaven forbid anyone suggest you mind your own business. You are not entitled to insert yourself into private matters, and nobody is obligated to entertain the intrusion.

    • Rachel May 29, 2016 / 9:29 am

      A, just stop being an ass. You might like walking up to people saying this because it, obviously, makes you feel good making others feel bad, but it’s not cool. The writer of this article laid out perfectly how the questions and pressures make people who are struggling to conceive or who ladies who can’t conceive feel. She laid out the inner struggle in a clear,understandble way, yet you still want to selfishly disregard what you’ve read to push how YOU feel. You do realize while you’re criticizing others being sensitive or being all in their feelings you are putting YOUR feelings before others. You want to be able to walk up and ask folks who are, for example, married but have no kids or single ladies “Why no kids?” It’s a bad move because it reminds the person that they HAVEN’T gotten pregnant or accomplish something they may really want. I feel bad for people who know you because you’re mean. Don’t go around being all sarcastic and trying to make others feel bad because you’re miserable.

    • Ronda May 29, 2016 / 10:33 am

      Wah! Political Corectness is wrecking my life. Now-a-days people think it’s okay to call me out on it when I act like an asshole. This world is going to hell in a handcart.

    • S.A.W May 29, 2016 / 10:40 am

      There is a certain etiquette to follow when conversing with someone; some subjects should not be brought up with strangers such as those you would discuss with close friends or family and even then some topics should only be discussed with your own discretion. That is because we don’t know the statues of the specific individual we are conversing with, especially if we do not know the person such as a close friend or relative. Strangers should ask mundane questions and go from there; picking impersonal questions to discuss and topics. ex: the librarian instead of commenting on the pregnancy could have said along the lines of “what beautiful children you have, you look positively radiant” Something along those lines or “hello, how is your day going. Nice day we’re having”. The problem we have now days is a lot of people do not understand boundaries and conversation etiquette and think they can say what ever they want to.

    • Max May 29, 2016 / 1:39 pm

      Agreed…
      Our thoughts can make or break us.
      Do TheWork.com

    • Alva Alpha May 29, 2016 / 4:43 pm

      You can have a response. Just keep it to yourself instead of interjecting your completely unsolicited opinion.

  98. Dr maria furrukh ismail May 28, 2016 / 9:06 am

    This is a precise and beautiful article. More like poetry . Felt so good reading it. Thankyou

  99. Courtney Kay May 28, 2016 / 9:10 am

    Somewhere there is a woman, 30 years old, who is about to get married. Her friends and family all want to know, “Are you going to start trying right away?” She smiles and answers ambiguously and changes the subject. But inside, she cries…
    Cries because she knows the friend asking her has PCOS and has been trying already for years without luck. Cries because she can’t share the joy of anticipation that comes with planning your first child with her best friend without guilt. Cries because she’s scared she might have PCOS or a another fertility issue. Cries because she might not be able to breast feed, which she so desperately wants to be able to do. Cries because she doesn’t actually know when or if it will ever happen. Cries because she doesn’t know where to begin with a birth plan, let alone the actual raising of a child, since everyone says something different. Cries because she always thought she’d already be married with children by thirty. Cries because what if she has kids and ends up hating it? Cries because what if they can’t afford the modest life she wants for her children? Cries because she’s afraid of giving birth. Cries because she’s afraid of what it will do to her already imperfect body… And cries for all the women out there who struggle with having children for any reason, all the time wondering if she will one day soon join their ranks.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:50 am

      Thank you.

    • Aime Hutton May 28, 2016 / 1:55 pm

      I can relate to this. I am almost 40 and was diagnosed with PCOS in 2013 after years of testing, having 1 ovary removed because of cysts…… I am not able to have children. And I get asked if/when I’m getting married, and having children……I feel your pain.

      • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 3:46 pm

        I’m 34, Pcos has ruined me , I am pretty sure I can’t have kids and that kills me – I have an apt at a fertility clinic soon but not confident and its 8 hours from where I live.

      • Cristlyn May 28, 2016 / 6:54 pm

        I’m 21 and was just diagnosed with PCOS. I had a miscarriage last year due to it ): I hate it. I cry because all I ever wanted to do was be a mommy, and I’m beginning to learn it’s going to be very difficult for me.

      • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:33 pm

        Sorry for your sadness, sis. Perhaps you can still be a mommy, just in another way.

      • kia May 28, 2016 / 9:42 pm

        Aime. Never lose your faith. I’m a nurse and I know for a fact that doctors are not always right. Not only that but my mother had one of her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed in the 70’s due to an ectopic pregnancy. She was told that she’d never have kids after that. Fast forward to 1983 and I was born, and then my younger brother in 1988. Miracles still happen.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 9:55 pm

      Thank you🌹

    • Anne May 29, 2016 / 5:25 am

      Yes

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 7:11 am

      I can relate to all of this! really sad

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:30 pm

      Thank you! I just got married in August 2015 and everyone keeps asking when we’re going to have kids. My hubby wants them but I don’t know if I do anymore. I’m 35 and I’m terrified of being pregnant and having kids. I don’t know how my body will handle it since I already struggle with weight and pain. I don’t know if I or my hubby will be a good parent and it’s not like I can give them back. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if I do and I lose it? I don’t know if I want to bring a child into this society. I am my parents only chance for grandkids since my brother is handicapped. I don’t want to take that experience away from them. It’s a terrible position to be in. I don’t know if I want kids but I also don’t want to disspoint everyone and I don’t want to die alone. Ugh

  100. artcherie May 28, 2016 / 9:26 am

    Beautiful, profound article.. But somehow incomplete in spite of being so elaborate?

    Somewhere is a woman : age 30 no children.. The woman holds her smile. Alone, she cries…

    Because she is not sure she wants any. Because she is sure she doesn’t want any now. Because she is sure she doesn’t want any ever. Because she is in a shaky marriage and can’t risk bringing children into it. Because she is not in a marriage and having children without that was a social risk. Because she always wanted to adopt but her family/partner wasn’t open to it. Because she can’t trust herself to be a good mother. Because she can’t trust her partner to be a good parent. Because she is not sure whether she wants them for their own sake or for her own selfish reasons- to mask her own emptiness, to please others, security for old age. So many more.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 9:41 am

      It could never be complete. That wasnt my intention.

      • Courtney Kay May 28, 2016 / 9:47 am

        I hope you don’t mind my mimicry. I was so touched by your article and your form was the perfect way to express my own reasons for crying in my heat of hearts. Thank you for this. Almost every woman I know has cried for one of the reasons you mentioned.

      • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 12:46 am

        Somewhere out there could be a 36 year old woman with one child, she cries cause she wants another child but is unable she cries cause she feels guilty everyday about the abortion at the age of 18, she cries because her husband doesnt know. She cries. Yes i agree it cannot be complete, its meant to open our eyes to the judgements and words we use on others daily. Thank you for such a thoughtful article

      • Dora May 29, 2016 / 1:00 am

        Somewhere out there could be a 36 year old woman with one child, she cries cause she wants another child but is unable she cries cause she feels guilty everyday about the abortion she had at the age of 18, she cries because her husband doesnt know. She cries because she fears that he will her if he finds out. Yes i agree this article cannot be complete, but it is an awakening of of our thought obout others and oyrselves, its meant to open our eyes to the judgements we make and words we use on others daily. Thank you for such a thoughtful article

      • HRH T May 29, 2016 / 3:43 am

        Perfect response. Thank you for an a amazing article. None of the women reflect my situation directly but I simply put my age and my circumstance in and reflected on the daily reasons I “cry”.

      • Meera May 29, 2016 / 6:58 am

        It’s a beautiful article. Leaves u wondering why some people offer unsolicited advice. But, one has to think that the advice or questions would be with good intentions too sometimes though. Thanq for sharing the thoughts that so many of us have invariably experienced at different times in our lives

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:54 am

      Thank you for adding as others have as well, this article spoke to me from different perspectives. We as women struggle through so much silently and I love when we can support each other.

      • Phoenix May 28, 2016 / 3:46 pm

        This meant so much to me I’m 30 no children but I’ve known since I was 12 that I want to be a mother. Everyone keeps asking when I’m going to get pregnant they have no idea how many years I’ve been trying. There’s nothing medically wrong with me. I’m trapped in my own mind

    • Hhj May 28, 2016 / 1:01 pm

      My thoughts🤗

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 1:09 pm

      Oh wow…Great addition!

    • blaquebutterfly May 28, 2016 / 2:04 pm

      Thank you for adding that. Some of us have, with our husbands, have made the decision to not have children and still have to answer all the womb questions.

      • Raynelle Canady May 28, 2016 / 4:38 pm

        YES! I am so tired of people telling me “oh, you will feel differently once you are older”. Well, I am about to be 38 in July so, when am I going to change my mind???? I wish people would/could understand how annoying and condescending that is. I know what I want.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 2:11 pm

      It’s funny. I recognized myself in your words. I was this selfish, childish woman who didn’t want children even though I love them and I even chose to work with children. Because of my career choice, people always thought that I can’t have them and they felt sorry for me until the day my husband decided he wanted to become a dad. I wasn’t sure but we got pregnant at age of 39 and now I have my daughter. I love her from the moment she was born. It doesn’t bother me to sacrifice my needs to meet hers. She brings so much love and joy in our lives and I finally realize how foolish I was all these years. I was meant to be a mom but I didn’t know it.

      • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 6:03 pm

        Same here, I never thought I wanted kids and my son was a surprise at almost 34.

      • Simply Sad May 28, 2016 / 8:10 pm

        This reply is hurtful to imply that childless women are selfish, if you are/were selfish it is a reflection of yourself and no one else. I was enjoying the comments until I read yours. I have also been shamed for not adopting. I’m not sure why you felt the need to one-up everyone.

      • Miss management May 29, 2016 / 12:20 pm

        Not eveyow who decides not to have children feels selfish or foolish for their decision. It’s that judgemental position that was the point of this I believe. Your made your own choices, do not judge or condemn others for theirs or question their motives.

      • Kelly May 29, 2016 / 3:43 pm

        Nice to know that you think women who choose not to have children are “foolish” and “childish”. The point of the article was not to judge other women, but you’re doing just that with this comment. Why did you feel the need to leave this comment essentially shaming women who choose to be childless? I never want to have children, I am not “meant to be a mom but don’t know it”.

      • Happy as heck May 29, 2016 / 4:13 pm

        You judge by saying childless by choice is selfish. Respect all.

    • Nandy May 28, 2016 / 2:23 pm

      Spot on!

      • Dama Paddy May 29, 2016 / 8:56 am

        Somewhere is a woman who is 30 who cries because she thinks or is told she is “selfish” for not wanting children….

    • Leah May 28, 2016 / 4:10 pm

      Thank you I am that woman but I don’t cry only roll my eyes because I am certain in my decision I don’t want kids. Ever. I am confident in my decision if only other people would get off my back!

    • Emma Ward May 28, 2016 / 9:41 pm

      YES! The article was good but missed a key population: women with no kids who don’t want any. I feel like I’m judged all the time cause I haven’t done with my womb what OTHER people want. Called selfish all the time. Asked when I’m having them, why i haven’t had any yet, etc.

    • fox May 29, 2016 / 3:12 am

      Yes, I think this is a very important addition. I was honestly shocked that such a detailed article didn’t include a single line acknowledging those who choose not to have children – “cries because she’s never wanted children and is sick of being thought of as different or at worst selfish”…actually the line which states “Cries because one of her sisters didn’t even want children” almost seems to imply that the sister is different or strange and somehow her choosing not to have children makes it harder for those who are unable to. – This is probably not intentional but it’s all too common that those who choose to remain child free are pushed to one side…perhaps a single line amendment giving us a nod?

      • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:13 pm

        So many people have brought this up. I didn’t mean to leave anyone out or to make some women feel like they don’t count. Every woman counts, but I knew going in this wouldn’t fit for everyone. It’s a snapshot of a particular group of women. That’s all. Thanks for commenting.

    • Jc May 29, 2016 / 5:11 am

      Thank you x

    • Jen May 29, 2016 / 8:16 am

      You nailed it. Thanks for speaking for women like me. Although a great article, it misses so many women who are choosing not to have children. The article, although good intentioned, misses that struggle and continues the societal norm that all women want children or should have children.

    • Kim May 29, 2016 / 8:47 am

      Thank you!! Women who don’t want kids might be the most shamed and misunderstood out of them all.

    • Lucy May 29, 2016 / 4:02 pm

      I agree with you. It takes compassion and self control to resist bringing more children into the world who will not be taken care of properly, who may starve or suffer to death in misery because the parent(s) desire to experience the glory and miracle of birth and creation for themselves. Learn to think for yourself and not just about yourself and your egotistical relatives.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:07 pm

      This one is me. Sometimes its all we can do to take care of ourselves. Always wondering if we’ll regret not choosing to have kids when we had a better chance. This article was wonderful, it’s message heartwrenching and it’s effects memorable.

    • Angie May 29, 2016 / 4:36 pm

      Exactly! I can definitely relate.

    • Trente Sansenfant May 29, 2016 / 5:25 pm

      #preach. That is a huge one I feel was obviously missing.

    • T Kirkland May 29, 2016 / 6:14 pm

      Thank you for putting words to my struggle.

  101. Titly May 28, 2016 / 9:43 am

    Somewhere there is a woman who is aged “any age fit for being pregnant” with no kids. She is asked why not yet?

    She cries coz she can’t explain that she doesn’t want it. She can’t explain that she is not ready. No one believes her. She can’t explain that it should be done only when you feel it’s right and not because the bloody clock is ticking. She can’t explain that she will give equal love to an adopted child if she can’t give birth to any when she wants.

    Wanting no child is a stigma. I see that when I say I don’t want any. On everyone’s face..

    • blaquebutterfly May 28, 2016 / 2:05 pm

      Me too! It’s so hurtful.

    • jp May 28, 2016 / 2:30 pm

      I know. I feel so weird because I don’t want any. I feel like people look at me and think, “she’ll regret that one day!” I turn 31 next month. Mental illness runs in my family, and I struggle daily, even though I’m a medical professional and very successful in my field. Childhood was hard enough living through it once already. Life is hard for kids. I worried daily about my little brother when he was in school, because of all the shootings happening at that time. Now I worry about my nephew who is very overweight and starting high school in the fall- I’m afraid the kids will bully him because of his weight. I’m not married, but in a relationship with the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met. I don’t think I should have a child just because I’m afraid I’ll regret it someday, though. I think I should really, REALLY want him/her, or else it isn’t a good choice for me or that child. I know I’d love him/her if they existed and would be a good mom, but that desire just isn’t there. I feel awkward around my peers who are literally all pregnant or have just given birth. I really don’t think I’ll ever regret it, and have thought of adopting on and off throughout my life, to rescue a child from neglect and poverty. Still don’t like that awkward feeling though, and being excluded from, “the mommy club” as my friends call it, when I use to be in the club of our friendship, and that use to be enough.

    • Shuchita May 28, 2016 / 6:44 pm

      Yes. That is so true. I didn’t want kids. I still don’t. People look at me weirdly. I say it’s my choice but they just don’t get it. I had a hysterectomy this year due to cancer and now these same people pity me. I do not need their pity.

      • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:34 pm

        Yep. You don’t need it. Reject. Return to sender!

    • Arfie May 28, 2016 / 7:44 pm

      I’ve been called all kinds of things for not wanting to be pregnant: selfish, hedonistic, irresponsible, immature, incomplete, going straight to hell..

      But this is my body and the more people, talk the stronger I become in my resolve (with my husband’s support). I am happy and I feel complete without kids. If people feel uncomfortable with that, then that’s their problem.

    • Sarah Hayward May 29, 2016 / 6:45 am

      I think it’s a wonderful thing to recognize that you don’t want children. How much worse would it be for someone to give in to the pressure and have children they don’t want? That’s not fair to anyone! The mother or the children. You don’t just have babies because it’s the thing to do. I struggled for years to have children to no avail and in the end adopted a beautiful little girl. During the years of infertility I was dumbfounded by how many people had children just to “shut their mother up” or for some other ridiculous reason. If you don’t want children, I applaud you for standing by that and not bringing children into a situation where they were never wanted in the first place.

    • Miss management May 29, 2016 / 6:51 am

      Yes thank you for this. I am tired of being looked at as if I am a leper for not wanting kids. As another person tried to say on here, it’s not a foolish decision. If anything, it’s something you agonize over for years, but once you know, you just know it’s the right choice for you.

      My husband and I both had a volatile upbringing. Plus with the way parenting is done today, I would no doubt have people calling child services on me for disciplining my child. I can already see he would let the child get away with murder, and I would have to be the disciplinarian, a role I wouldn’t want. There’s plenty of other reasons such as health issues & the state of the world.

      It actually takes knowing yourself well to acknowledge you shouldn’t bring another life into this world. It’s actually a selfless decision to make. However, I have seen plenty of people have children for selfish reasons.

      The next time someone asks me about it and gives the condescending look, I’m just going to say “thanks for being so concerned about my uterus, but it’s really none of your business”.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 8:35 am

      Same. It’s awful the social stigma that is put on Women. Like there is something wrong with you if you don’t want kids.

    • Jennifer May 29, 2016 / 1:57 pm

      I see that stigma too, and I hate it. I have 4 children because I wanted too. I feel that if you don’t want to have children, then you shouldn’t have children, and kudos to you for being self-aware enough to know that. No one should feel guilted into having children or not, or having more or less than they want by society, and it’s so sad that we all feel judged no matter what choice we make. I feel it too because I have had no problem getting pregnant; but I never say that because I don’t want to make anyone who struggles with fertility issues feel bad.

  102. Lori May 28, 2016 / 9:49 am

    Some cry because they don’t have a partner to have a child with and having one alone terrifies them. Because they have submitted adoption papers but the 8-10 year wait means she’ll be well into her 40s raising a child, likely one with attachment problems or developmental risk factors, alone. Because everyone assumes she’s got it so easy with only herself to look out for. So much freedom. So much loneliness.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 11:20 pm

      Oh so true! The faces of pity that are followed by, “But you would be such a good mother!” But there’s no other half to have that beautiful child with…

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 2:17 pm

      I was thinking this as well. Thanks for posting!

  103. Kristina Thurman May 28, 2016 / 9:53 am

    I have 3 beautiful little girls who I call my miracle babies! I had something called polycystic ovarian syndrome which causes cysts to grow all over the ovaries and makes it extremely difficult to ovulate, my menstral cycles were completely out of wack so I never knew if or when I would ovulate. So on January 12th 2006 I was sitting at the table writing a poem about wanting a baby, I called it “WHAT IF” I would like to share my poem and then continue with my story!
    What if I had my own little baby.
    That very little special creation god gave me.
    My life would be complete in every single way.
    I would have so much fun every single day.
    I would be the best mother I could possibly be.
    And also the happiest you will see.
    I want a baby so very very bad.
    I think about it daily that’s why i’m so sad.
    And nobody knows how happy i’d be.
    If god would just send a baby for me.
    Cause I would be so happy if I had a baby.
    That very little special creation god gave me.
    So the very next day on January 13th after writing that poem I found out that I was pregnant! I was the happiest woman in the world! Well later in the evening I started cramping and bleeding some and was so scared that something was wrong! And that day my sister just happened to be in the hospital getting ready to give birth to my nephew and I was there with her but not feeling well at all and was still bleeding, now even more than earlier and the cramping was so severe so I had to leave the hospital to go see my doctor and come to find out I was miscarrying! I was devastated and so heartbroken! Cause not only did I lose my baby, but I did not get to see my beautiful nephew being born! So that was a very very sad, heartbreaking day, but at the same time it was a very very happy, exciting day because my nephew was brought into this world! So a whole year went by then I get the news that i’m pregnant again and right away I was terrified that I would lose this baby as well, which I did end up miscarrying my precious baby again and once again my heart was torn to pieces and I got very depressed! So after the second miscarriage that’s when I said it’s time to see a doctor to find out if something is wrong with me as to why I keep miscarrying! That’s when I wad told that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome and the doctor wanted to do a Laperoscopy, where he goes inside and removes any big cysts off of my ovaries and deflates the small ones! Well the surgery was a success because a year and a half later I became pregnant with my now 6 year old little girl who was born in March of 2010 and I have never been happier in my life cause she is my dream come true! Then a year after she was born I got pregnant again which sadly ended in a miscarriage. But in March of 2012 I found out that I was pregnant again and gave birth to my second little girl the day after christmas who is now 3! Then when my second daughter was just 6 months old I get the shocking but wonderful news that I am expecting again and gave birth to my 3rd little girl in March of 2014! So I am so very blessed and thankful that God answered my prayers and gave me the chance to not only experience pregnancy, but gave me the chance to be a mother and share my life with my 3 amazing, beautiful, smart, wonderful little miracle babies and made my dreams come true! My daughter’s are my world, my life, my everything! And I thank God every day for sending to me, my very own little special babies. 💜💛💙

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:22 am

      Wow! How blessed you are. And something I notice about people who have children after struggling with infertility is that they are SO patient and happy to have their children. Not that other parents arent patient and joyful, but I noticed something different in parents for whom pregnancy didnt come easily.

      • Genna May 28, 2016 / 8:53 pm

        …..because we know how special & invaluable they are…. I agree with you wholeheartedly. ❤️

      • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 11:30 pm

        I loved your article but have to say this response comes very close to point of Mind your womb…

        Here sits a woman, aged 40, who pregnancy didn’t just “happen” for. Having conceived two beautiful babies via Assisted Reproductive Technologies and a third the conventional way…she has one non-neurotypical child and another who struggled with a medical condition that overtook family life completely leaving nothing in the tank for the other two. She cries because she feels she has failed the one who needs leading/instruction in social behavious…she cries because the social anxiety she struggles with means the socially unexceptable behaviours of said child embarrasses her to the point she shuts him down…she cries because she doesn’t have patience and feels like she SHOULD because all she yearned for was these beautiful miracles…she cries because she feels guilty for being blessed with these precious gifts and not being happy as she feels she is a failure as a mother.

      • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:27 pm

        Oh, but you couldn’t possibly be a failure when you care this much. Something in you must be good. And I bet I’d I asked your kids about you, they’d have more positive than negative to report. Parenting is hard even when the children don’t have special needs, but no matter the struggle, there will always be more love for those babies. Always. And as long as they can feel that love, you can’t be failing.

      • Joy May 29, 2016 / 6:16 am

        I agree so much. I struggled with infertility and was blessed to give birth to a beautiful daughter after successful IVF who is now 18 months. Motherhood is challenging but every single day I look at her I am reminded how lucky I am to have her. I’m
        lucky that my insurance covered the procedure because there is no way my husband and I would’ve been able to afford it. I’m lucky that we got pregnant during our first attempt. I am lucky that although one of the two embryos implanted did not survive, the other did. I’m lucky that although I experienced bleeding later in the pregnancy and rushed to the doctor everything turned out to be ok. Every time I looks to my daughter I’m reminded of the pain of infertility and the fear and pain of miscarriage. It makes me hug her tighter and love her more than I could ever imagine was possible. I can’t help but feel guilt as well. Why me and not so many loving and deserving women? I pray every woman that wants a child has her wish granted. My heart aches for them as I still feel solidarity with them.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 10:25 am

      I too have 3 miracle babies. I do not have PCOS. I was raped and he passed an STD to me. At age 15 I was told I would never be able to get pregnant because of the scar tissue caused by the STD. All I had ever wanted was to be a mother. Thankfully the doctor was wrong. I have 3 amazing miracles.

  104. anon May 28, 2016 / 9:57 am

    I cried because I was blessed with two children and my own mother told me not to be too happy because my sister couldn’t have her own. (even tho she adopted 2 blessings of her own)

      • Julie May 28, 2016 / 7:55 pm

        Wow…your mother is clueless. Your sister has two children….they ARE her own. Make sure your mother knows that and don’t ever let her project to those kids that they are not as good as biological ones. I am stunned people still think that way. We adopted and he is my heart. I thank God for my infertility because it allowed me to be his mom.

  105. Sarah May 28, 2016 / 9:57 am

    What a beautiful article. ❤️❤️❤️
    I once had a co-worker tell me to stop being selfish and have children. She had no idea that I desperately wanted to be pregnant. I just turned around and walked away.
    We now have 2 children and one angel baby. I hate when people say “You have one boy and one girl. It’s the perfect family.” They have no idea that 2 is all we can have and that we also have an angel baby.

  106. Q May 28, 2016 / 10:02 am

    Cries because days after the father of her son came back to her life to begin their happily ever after he found out he got another woman pregnant. Cries because while she stood by him in an act of love he shunned her. Cries because she was mean and vindictive and didn’t accept that she was a fling. Cries because she didn’t really want the baby but she manipulated him with the pregnancy. Cries because he slept with her because he said he had no choice. Cries because she was treated like the other woman instead of the would be wife. She cries because their dreams of having a family were shattered by his irresponsibility. She cries because they terminated and ripped us apart even more. She cries because he said he loved her but his actions never matched. Cries because when she thought the smoke had cleared she married him. Cries because after he said I do he said he didn’t want to. Cries because he had an affair. Cries because instead of seeing her as a supportive wife he saw her as a reminder of a difficult time, and resented her. Cries because even hearing the word pregnant made him sick to his stomach. Cries because when her sister had a daughter her world was crushed. Cries because less than a year later that same sister had a son. Cries because when she held him in the hospital she felt her void get more vast. Cried because he wanted to talk about names then resented her for talking about babies. Cried because everyone around was celebrating marriage and he wasn’t even willing to admit he was married. Cries because everybody was pregnant and having girls. Cries because she wished above all else that she was one of the 2 out of 100 who got pregnant while using Mirena. Cries because after she moved out he used having a baby as an excuse to lay with her. Cries because the other woman has 3 kids. Cries because one day someone will love her, want her, and build a family with her but she can’t see it. Cries because her hope is gone and dreams are nightmares. Cries because one day is too far away. Cries because it all over now…

    I’m sorry this is so long but it made me want to tell my story.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:24 am

      Yes, tell it! We should all tell our stories!

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 4:51 pm

      And this too shall pass

    • Joy May 29, 2016 / 6:23 am

      The article made me cry and your comment made me cry even harder. You are loved and deserving of all that you desire including being a mother. I pray God answers your prayers. Stay strong.

    • PR May 29, 2016 / 9:42 am

      You need to move on from that creep. You deserve better. The day you believe you are, you will realize what an idiot he is & what a waste of your emotions someone like that is.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 3:57 pm

      I’m sorry. Be strong.

    • Anonymous June 15, 2016 / 11:35 am

      powerful!

  107. Amber May 28, 2016 / 10:07 am

    Oh my goodness… THIS!!! I’m the 30 year old with no children and except for the miscarriages or fertility treatments, the rest applies to me. We have been trying for a few years. We have had doctors tell us we are okay. And people constantly ask us when we are having children or if we are pregnant or they tell us not to wait. We aren’t. We just don’t find it as easy as the 15 year olds who aren’t valuing themselves enough to say, “No” and are winding up pregnant. Nor have we found it as easy as all of my husband’s siblings who have had children at the drop of a hat, always in their first few months of “trying”. Nor have we yet been able to give my parents the grandchildren they are wanting. Nor can we afford fertility and stuff now even if we wanted to go that route.

    And I’m not worried. Because I KNOW we will have kids in His timing. I know He plans to bless us because He has promised us on more than one occasion. And currently, I’m not worried because our businesses keep us hopping. But, in the meantime, I would love it if people could stop putting their two cents where it isn’t welcome. All it does is stress me out and send me into negative headspace because I get angry….

    I get angry and want to yell at that teenager who just got pregnant (but she doesn’t need that because she is terrified about becoming a mother and there is nothing she can do about it now anyway); I get angry and want to scream at the woman in the supermarket who clearly doesn’t understand child development and is far too harsh with her kiddos and treats them like crap (she is overwhelmed and doesn’t have the coping skills necessary to parent differently, otherwise she would); and I get angry at the ease with which my husband’s siblings had kids, and I get jealous of my husband’s siblings (which I never want to be, because I’m incredibly blessed with so many amazing nieces and nephews and they make my world a little brighter). I typically avoid this negative spiral of anger and jealousy, but when a “well meaning” (ahem, nosy!) stranger asks why we are waiting, or when we plan to have them, or says, “Don’t you want kids?”; I can guarantee you that it rockets me back to this place of negativity.

    And here is the thing… I will one day be the woman with 5 children, because my husband and I decided a long time ago that this was how many we wanted. And we plan to adopt some of them, but that won’t matter. We will still be judged. I came from a home with only one sibling and always wished for more… especially a sister. He came from a home with an older brother and two younger sisters and he LOVED his big family. So, five children it will be for us. And I can already picture all of the things that this article mentions applying to us at that time… because I can already see it happen with people that I know who have big families. Each new pregnancy announcement brings less enthusiasm from friends and family than the last one did. And people start commenting, “is this your last?” with that tone of voice that indicates that they feel the person should have stopped at two children, maybe a third. I see it and it frustrates me.

    Frustrates me because those children are desperately, ridiculously, incredibly over-the-top LOVED and cared for as if each of them was the first child in their parent’s world. So, I know what I will be up against when we have 5, plus throw in some prejudice because our adopted kids will be from around the world and we will be melding various cultures together like a mini UN. I’m sure I will get comments and questions about why we didn’t adopt domestically when there are so many kids who need good families right here. Or comments and questions about why I would want a child who didn’t even speak my language. Or why I would want a child that didn’t look like my family. The list goes on.

    But here is the thing, I’ve wanted that little girl from China since I was a 5th grade student reading “TIME for Kids” magazine and learning about the horrendous things happening to little girls in China due to the one child rule. I’ve wanted that little girl from Romania since I went to Romania in college and fell in love with some children at an orphanage there. And since I was in DC after college, I’ve wanted my home to be a safe haven for kids who don’t have one. So, when God told me we would also have a child from Korea, I didn’t mind one bit. My family isn’t up for discussion.

    I also have a close friend who is a mother of one. It took them 10 years to have him. He is a miracle in and of himself. And her husband never wanted children (although he immediately changed his mind when he found out she was pregnant). He definitely doesn’t want any more. And now that she is nearing 40, she is sick and tired of people asking when they are going to have another one. They are happy with their son. And that is okay. Their family isn’t up for discussion.

    I also have a sister-in-law whose first child only lived one week. And she has had two children since then. And people constantly ask her if they are done. It is none of their business. They’ve always wanted a large family. And bonus, people also expect her to just “get over” losing her firstborn because she has two more beautiful kids. Her younger kids are nothing short of God’s blessing. They are their own blessing in and of themselves… but so was their firstborn. He was his own blessing all on his own. And his being gone and not here to hold and snuggle and kiss does not get any easier to cope with or handle just because there are two more children to love. Loving them doesn’t diminish the love for their firstborn or the ache to have him in their arms again. Yet people think that it should. Again, their family isn’t up for discussion.

    I also have a family member who can’t have children due to health risks. And nothing that she could ever do would ever change that. And her desire to have children is so huge. So, when people ask her these questions… all it serves to do is bring her pain. So, her family isn’t up for discussion.

    This is a novel, I know, but this article is perfect and I am so grateful you shared it.

  108. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:20 am

    While I was touched by the article, I was saddened to see that another segment of women – one that I am a part of – was left out. How about the single women in their 30s and well into their 40s (like me) who long to have children but have not yet found their mates. Sadly, our society looks down on single women and often divorced women are held in higher regard. To many there must be something wrong with me – I’m too picky, I’m too set in my ways, and so forth – if I haven’t been married yet. I have often been told that if anyone could raise a child alone, I could. Sure, I probably could but it would be hard. Very hard. Living in a very expensive city (NYC) and with both of my parents deceased, it’s a tough call. Please remember us single, childless women too, as it’s a pain just as deep.

    • N. Angail May 28, 2016 / 10:25 am

      Sis, I promise I havent forgotten you or any other segment. I had a particular focus with this. I wrote about the scenarios that are close to my heart bc of the people I know. I know there are tons of other women out there with other stories.

      We all have to tell out our stories. No one person can do it.

      • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:05 pm

        I have 3 girls and I am constantly asked if I’m going to “try for a boy”. What people don’t realize is that I have a son who passed away shortly after being born.

    • SWG May 28, 2016 / 2:40 pm

      I pretty much could have written this except for the location and that I can’t afford the adoption fees.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 2:35 am

      I feel yout pain too. Everyday. I’m also almost 40 and can’t find that special someone to love and marry. Let alone have kids with. And now I’m stuck with the fact that i may never have children. Its very painful.

    • Magtyl0 May 29, 2016 / 4:03 pm

      Hear, hear! I am also a single woman in my 40’s, not because there’s something wrong with me or that I’m “too picky,” the right man hasn’t presented yet. I’ve always longed to be a wife and mother more than anything else, more than my chosen profession which I enjoy. When trying to cultivate new friendships, it’s painful how many people I meet, especially women, who can’t or won’t relate to me because I am not a mother, therefore not considered to be “friend material.” I love children, I will talk about your children with you, I will enjoy outings with the group though I don’t have my own children (or husband) to add to the mix.

  109. Scotti Cohn May 28, 2016 / 10:28 am

    Well said. I just can’t imagine asking someone or saying anything to someone about having or not having children. To me, it’s a very personal issue, and it never occurs to me to do what I would call “prying.” Yet many people think they are just “being friendly” when they say or ask things. My husband and I deliberately chose not to try to have a child until he was settled in his first job. When I told a new acquaintance that we had been married for 7 years, she exclaimed, “Where are the children?!?” Even though I didn’t have a tragic story to relate, I still felt taken aback that she had said that. I was put on the defensive. Why on earth wouldn’t you have children when you’ve been married for 7 whole years?!?!?! (sigh)

  110. Rebekah May 28, 2016 / 10:39 am

    This is just great. So many lines made me throw my fist in the air and say “YES!” And so many lines made me bury my head in shame because I’m guilty of so much of this too.

  111. Emily ♡ May 28, 2016 / 10:47 am

    Thank you so much for this! When I was 18 years old I walked out of my obs office crying my eyes out my mom asked me what was wrong I just went in for a normal check up do to cysts and walked out thinking that I will never have children ever. I have a bycorniate uterus and that could result in a late miscarriage. I didnt know what to do orthink I was just frozen I wanted to just go home and sit In my room and not talk to anyone because my dream as a child was to be a mom thats what I wanted to grow up to be. 4 months later I found out I was pregnant…. I was so scared I couldnt even get excited because I knew what could possibly happen…I battled depression through out my whole pregnant but once he was finally here I was so happy! I got my baby! I had wanted this since I was as little as I can remember! I wanted to be a mom and now I am but I still have the fear of having another one. What if the next doesnt make it to full term is it worth trying knowing what I know now. I honestly dont know and I will always have that thought in my head and people always ask me and my husband “so when are you having the next” but honestly I dont know if there will ever be a next 😦

  112. deb May 28, 2016 / 11:04 am

    I’m very conflicted by your opinion. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, BUT there are many times where we meet people and ask the question if they have kids. It’s not meant to be mean or critical, it’s just a question for information in getting to know people. In this day and age there are ALWAYS going to be times when people may be offended. We need to learn to be gracious and forgiving of people who may offend or hurt us unintentionally. I have lived with many stigma’s that aren’t talked about in society and have had to pick and choose whom I tell my story to. We can be the victim or the victor! It’s OUR response that’s important. We aren’t able to control what others say to us.

    • Sandy May 28, 2016 / 8:31 pm

      It’s one thing to ask. It’s another think to tell someone to stop putting off pregnancy, to stop having children, or that they should have more.

    • Holly May 29, 2016 / 8:55 am

      It’s not about the “getting to know you” question. It’s about holding your tongue when the answer to that question comes (or if it doesn’t). And keeping your opinion in check if you disapprove of, or don’t understand, the explanation (if you get one).
      It can be done. It just takes self discipline and restraint… something that is fading from society at an alarming rate.
      Sometimes just being quiet for a beat, as a judgment-free invitation to say more, is the best thing to do. If “more” is not forthcoming, move on.
      Asking too many and/or intrusive questions under the guise of “getting to know [me]” is the quickest way to ensure that you never will.

    • Suz May 29, 2016 / 9:15 am

      There’s a big difference between asking if someone has kids and grilling them on why they don’t or making judgments. Also, why is it always the person being intruded upon who has to accommodate others?

      Often the most intrusive people have the thinnest skin, which is why they get so defensive about the reasonable request to mind their own business.

      I also don’t know why people carry on about “in this day and age” as if there was some period in time when people could speak with impunity. I always had to walk on egg shells when I was younger and if anyone is going to make an innocent remark, it’s a child, yet now we have all these adults who want free reign to be openly rude and intrusive, and cry “PC police” any time someone suggests they exhibit at least as much restraint as once expected of children.

    • ALM May 29, 2016 / 9:18 am

      The question “do you have any children” is generally not the part that makes us cry. It’s the judgment and self-important advice that comes after our answer that makes most of us want to scream. Yes, we know the clock is ticking, yes, we know we’re not getting any younger, yes, we know! For my sisters with several children, they know exactly how that happens and they are delighted every time, yes, their hands are full, but so are their hearts, yes, they are pregnant again and why can’t you just say congratulations and rejoice with them since they are clearly happy with their full busy chaotic gorgeous family, and would you mind pointing out exactly which of their beautiful children you wish had never been born? By all means ask us if we have children, and by all means ask us their names and ages, and tell us about your own! Just leave off the “funny” little remarks about whether we have too many, too few, or just right and should take the societal cue to stop while we’re ahead.

    • Victoria May 29, 2016 / 12:18 pm

      Amen! Thank you for passing that on. So many people are so easily offended by words that were never meant to be. And they beat the speaker of those words over the head and bludgeon them with guilt. It is getting to the point that no one can say anything to anyone without walking on eggshells, because there are people who are not bright enough to understand the intention behind the words. Or maybe they enjoy being offended and passing judgment. I’m not sure which.

    • Kendra May 29, 2016 / 1:45 pm

      This article is not highlighting women who choose to be offended to the common question of “Do you have children?” It’s demonstrating personal struggles that exist over lifelong pursuits toward a certain goal or dream. The insensitive comments the author chooses to use are not what’s important here. It’s the internal dialogue of each individual woman in a common, everyday, situation that may present itself. It’s the symbolic ‘straw that broke the camel’s back.’

  113. Miss me now May 28, 2016 / 11:14 am

    Any somewhere right now there is a 30 old yr, reading this and just found out she is pregnant and thinking this she isn’t ready . Life is a journey

  114. kct3458 May 28, 2016 / 11:14 am

    Perfect. You hit every nail smack on the head. I hope everyone gets a chance to read this moving article. It is so profound and yet, very necessary for those to know. Thank you for sharing.

  115. ahdiaart May 28, 2016 / 11:18 am

    Nice article, but I also disagree to an extent. Sometimes we ask these questions, looking for someone who’s going through the same thing as us. Sometimes we looking for advice. Sometimes we looking for success stories. And sometimes we looking for the next person to ask about us, hoping to share our story of hardships, but they don’t ask. They mind their own womb and their own business, leaving us to cry on our own…

    • Sandy May 28, 2016 / 8:28 pm

      It’s okay to ask. It’s not okay to tell someone to stop putting off pregnancy, to stop having children or that they should have more.

    • Nechama May 29, 2016 / 5:43 am

      Wow! Powerful words!!!

  116. NOLALiz May 28, 2016 / 11:34 am

    I just have to say this. Because there are all kinds of women and all kinds of reactions. I understand the pain, but…

    There is a 30 year old woman who has no children. She can have them. She can’t have them. She had an abortion. She did not have an abortion. She uses birth control carefully. She doesn’t use birth control carefully. She never met anyone. She met someone and they like their lives… etc. like the article above: a bunch of choices and situations around having a baby.

    But, it doesn’t bother her. She doesn’t cry. She has never missed having children. She is just fine with what life gave her. She is not debilitated.

    The point is that for some women none of this causes tears – or if they do cry they take it in stride. All women are more than their reproductive lives. It is just one aspect of their being. If they cry or they don’t, they get up in the morning and deal with life. And even if they are sad about not having children, the sadness passes, or is controllable or is only for a period of time… or fades. And just because she cries doesn’t mean her life is in ruins. She lives on, and incorporates the pain, or lack of pain, into her life.

    I just feel like I have to say this to put some of that article in perspective. I get it. There is pain. I don’t get that she is destroyed. Women deal with pain all the time and grow through it.

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 5:47 pm

      Yes- this is exactly what I wanted to say! There are 30 year olds out there who haven’t had children and are quite happy with that! They need to feel normal as well! Woman are more than just reproductive machines! I am nearly 28 and although I love kids and would love to have them one day, I’m still not quite there yet! I enjoy my job, I enjoy just being a couple and I enjoy having very little ties at the moment! People live longer, we don’t need to be settled down by our early 20s anymore if we don’t want to! So good on the women who have children (you’re doing amazing) and good on the women who don’t have kids (you’re probably getting a lot more sleep, and sex!) haha 😉

    • Cathy May 29, 2016 / 12:56 am

      I’m a 30 year old childfree woman who dislikes children. When people ask me about kids, I reply with “I’m not having any, ever”, and if they persist, I inquire what makes them think that my uterus is any of their business. To hell with crying, time to defend our life choices.

      • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:16 pm

        I feel you!

    • Katpants May 29, 2016 / 8:59 am

      Yes. This. Exactly this. Thank you.

    • ALM May 29, 2016 / 9:31 am

      All of us have heartbreak and difficult things to deal with, and we all work through it in our own way. The point of this post wasn’t to say we can’t deal with it, it was to remind people to check their self-congratulatory little comments at the door. The little criticisms of our circumstances that you know nothing about and have no business commenting on and that really aren’t as cute, funny, or witty as you think. Asking if we have children is hardly inappropriate , any more than asking where we’re from or what we do. But following it up with asking if we know our eggs are getting old (yes, real comment from real people) and that the clock is ticking and to stop waiting for the perfect time and stop being so selfish with our little convenient lives (when they have no idea about our miscarriage or the years of infertility and frankly I don’t want any more advice about just relaxing or comments on our sex life or very private causes of our infertility or adoption difficulties). My brother and sister in law with their 5 beautiful children don’t need the dirty looks when they go out in public or the snide comments about whether they know how “that” happens, or the eye rolls when they see her pregnant belly, or the total lack of congratulations when they find out another is coming as if their children were a curse instead of a total outrageous blessing after years of infertility for her. The point is, we’re not asking for your pity, we’re asking that if you don’t have something nice to say then say nothing at all – the concept which I was taught as a child was just basic good manners.

    • Missy May 29, 2016 / 1:54 pm

      Thank you!

  117. ari May 28, 2016 / 11:58 am

    There should be one more chapter – about a woman who just doesn’t want any children, and others are surprised to hear it: “How is it possible not to want children? You’re not normal!”

    • Samantha May 28, 2016 / 3:32 pm

      That’s what I was waiting to read about too.

    • Kesi Stearns May 29, 2016 / 12:19 am

      I added that below, but I’ll add it here too:

      And then there’s somewhere, a woman in her 20’s. She’s asked “when are you gonna have kids?” She lets out a laugh thats not actually mirth, and says “I dont want children” and is told “you will change your mind someday” and she just shakes her head and walks away, but no one would guess when she is alone, she cries
      she cries because she hates the pressure put on her by society to have a child she feels inadequate to care for. cries because she has a genetic condition and cant bear the thought of that 50/50 chance her baby would have it to, so she just doesnt try. cries because its her body, her choice, and she just doesnt want kids. cries because she lost one, and cant face the idea of another pregnancy with no baby to hold when it’s come to an end. cries because she’s supposed to have kids, so something must be wrong with her, because she cant stand them. cries because she was forced to give up her daughter as a teenager, and wont risk losing the next…

    • Happy as heck May 29, 2016 / 4:11 pm

      Thank-you. There are a lot of us and few who understand. It’s best to know yourself and live your life authentically.

  118. mandy2310 May 28, 2016 / 12:13 pm

    Beautifully written.

    I’m 28 and have been married for over 5 years now, no children (unless you count those four-legged babies in which case I have 4). I’ve heard so many times the questions of when.
    Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I finally went to my obgyn. I found out I have Premature Ovarian Failure. Basically, my ovaries don’t work. They try, but just can’t do anything. My fsh and lh levels are high. It’s like I’m in menopause, but not. I have all the same side effects as a woman in menopause.
    I now only have a 5-10 % chance of getting pregnant. Not good odds at all. I still cry over not carrying a baby. But, I’ve came to peace with no biological children. We are trying one last time to get pregnant. I know the outcome. So, hopefully within the next few years we will adopt a newborn or 2.
    I’ve learned to not feel ashamed. More women have complications with getting pregnant than we realize. It’s awful. Gut wrenching heartache. But we should never feel bad about ourselves anymore. Particularly, not let others ruin our own sunshine. Just my thoughts. May God bless you all!

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 6:38 pm

      May God bless you as we have been blessed. It took my husband and I nine years to conceive. Our beautiful baby boy died at three months due to medical malpractice. Three years later we adopted our perfect gift from God, our baby girl. Having been through both, I promise you the love is exactly the same. Adoption is such an amazing choice. I will pray for you and your husband along this journey.

  119. Alex May 28, 2016 / 12:17 pm

    And somewhere, a woman within childbearing ages cries because she’s been turned down for sterilization for the first, fifth, tenth time. She knows deep within herself that she couldn’t possibly be a good mother, despite what her friends and family say. She knows that there is genetic problems within her family that any child she bears would be prone to. She cries angry tears at being judged and dismissed at “not knowing what she wants” by doctors, mothers, family members, her partners before they leave her . . . or try to change her. She hurts because she is not given even the same respect that women trying for a child gets, as meager as that may be. She already minds her own womb, knowing full well that others likely want children, whatever their circumstances are, but hers is on display for all for going against the grain.

    Another woman cries because she wants nothing more than to be a mother, but wasn’t born with the right parts. People revel in reminding her of this as well, striking out at her deepest desires. She cries long, hard nights, asking why was she born this way. The silence from any higher power she believes in is deafening, and cuts deeper than any scalpel used to help her feel more like herself. She begs and pleads to this power to repair her, allow her to have the children she so desperately wants. Nothing. Maybe she’ll power through it, adopt, if she can . . . maybe it will be too much for her. She may not have been born with the womb she needs, but that’s for her to mind just as much.

    • Samantha May 28, 2016 / 3:38 pm

      And right where I am sitting, there is a woman within childbearing age who would likely be turned down for sterilization, who would be an excellent parent if she chose to partake and has no genetic problems to worry about, but no fiber of her being wants to have kids.

      Thank you for adding other perspectives. It’s important to respect the whole spectrum of thoughts.

  120. Rachel May 28, 2016 / 12:29 pm

    I’m both the first scenario and the last scenario. I met my husband in high school, before I knew about my PCOS and the fact I couldn’t have children. We got married as teenagers. Planned on starting our family in our 20’s, but that never happened. The miscarriages began, and I stopped telling people after my second loss, because its easier to keep it to myself than to have to tell every-one I’m no longer pregnant. For a decade I heard, “when are you going to have kids”. “you’d be great mother”, “I want grand-kids” “I want to be an Uncle/Aunt”. One time my husband was told, “why do you stay with a woman who can’t give you children”. I even stopped going to church because a christian lady told me, “Well if GOD wanted you to have children he would of let you keep one. You’re just not meant to be a mother.” I was devastated after that and just gave up all hopes of having a child of my own. Now fast forward. after 10 years of marriage my husband and I had already had 7 miscarriages. I find out I’m pregnant an 8th time, I don’t get excited I just assume I’m going to lose this one too. Sure enough at around 8 weeks I start having pains and I go to hospital thinking I’m having a miscarry. They do urine, blood test, CT scans ultrasounds, the whole nine yards.They can’t find any cause for my pain and confirm I have a perfectly healthy fetus growing inside. This has never happened before? Then we hear the heartbeat at 12 weeks (another first) and we both cried tears of joy! I go full term and my son is born 8 days past due. He’s my miracle baby! I am so happy to have him in our life’s. Then we find out he was born with large holes in his heart (VSD), develops severe GERD, is “failure to thrive”, and has severe Laryngomalacia which required surgery. There were days his breathing was so bad prior to surgery that I didn’t know if he’d live to see another day. He had to be on revived twice because he stopped breathing completely. It was so heart breaking that after all these years of trying that my miracle baby has all these health issues. His holes in his heart did close at 6 months, and after surgery he no longer has issues breathing, and he’s still a tiny little boy now at a year old, hes not even 20lbs yet. So that being said, now all I hear from people is, “when are you going give him a sibling?” and this very much annoys me. I would love to have another baby, children are my passion! I just don’t know if its possible, my son could have been a fluke? I was told I couldn’t have children in the first place. I’m very happy with my son and while I would love to have more I’m perfectly fine if he ends up being an only child too.

  121. Faith May 28, 2016 / 12:51 pm

    Cries because every month she has hope and cries because every month her hope becomes a disappointment. But in the mist of it all, she smiles, she still has hope in God and His plans

  122. V May 28, 2016 / 12:53 pm

    All very good points, but one story missing.. the one of the woman who chose NOT to be a mother, who loves children but didn’t ever have that maternal “ticking clock” , who didn’t have children because her husband had them by his ex and didn’t want to start again, who didn’t want to have children who would always be the “2nd” family. Who didn’t want his existing children to feel hurt and degraded because he wasn’t there when they were little. Who is constantly asked ” Didn’t you want any?”, ” Can’t you have them?” . Who has to hear every time that someone has a child that it’s the “best” and a “love like no other” and “you don’t know what you’ve missed”. Who is somehow considered “less” of a woman because she didn’t have a baby. These women cry too.

  123. Ruth May 28, 2016 / 1:13 pm

    Thank you for your article – I am an angel mummy of 4 babies who never made it to me. First was a still birth and last 3 were lost as late miscarriages (after 12 weeks). I have got to the stage where I don’t do the small smile – if someone doesn’t know me and my story and says ‘no babies?’ I reply ‘no they have all died’ and then watch them back pedalling as they realise the mistake of their question. It is one way of teaching people that these questions are not right.
    I have also become very used to when I get a sales call and they ask ‘how are you today?’ replying’ ‘not great as I have just lost a baby’. They don’t hang on the phone after that!
    In my life with the amount I have lost, I don’t see the point in trying to hide it

  124. K May 28, 2016 / 1:22 pm

    Cries because at the age of 30 I’m blessed with a beautiful daughter…who for the last 3yrs has been yearning for a brother or sister. Cries because I’m in love with and engaged to a man who has claimed my daughter as his own wishes to have no children of his own. Cries because same man that I’m in love with has chosen to have the “V” done even though I didn’t agree with it. Cries because I have a void within me that wants to fulfill it with another with him but he has no desire nor want to father his own child or start from the beginning. Alone I cry…and smile on the outside.

  125. geekchick77 May 28, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    Beautiful article, thank you.
    I would add to the list:
    Cries because she was never quite sure if she wanted kids, and never quite sure if she didn’t. Cries because her own traumatic childhood left her uncertain if she could ever be a good mother. Cries because she never had a partner who was willing and able to be a father. Cries because she never had the resources to have a child. Cries over the intense pressures she feels in opposing directions.

    • Anon May 29, 2016 / 12:18 am

      Same here. I’m too tired to write it in the format, but part of the reason I won’t be having kids is that I doubt myself in a couple ways. I was abused as a kid and worry I’ll pass that on somehow, in another form. I’ve sworn and still swear I won’t, that I’m breaking the cycle, but what if?

      And I have severe depression and anxiety, as well as being autistic– I worry that any kids I had would have to deal with having depression and anxiety that I’d pass down, plus the frustration of having an autistic mother.

      I also can’t even handle the stress of having a /pet/. I tried to have a dog a couple years back and the worry over things like pet insurance, was I feeding him enough/too much, guilt over leaving him to go to work– I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t eat or sleep; it was a nightmare. Children would be so much worse.

      But you can’t say that to people when they ask “You want kids? You ever gonna have kids?” so I just say “Nah, I’m too selfish” or something and move on.

      (age 30, single, asexual–which is /another/ reason I likely won’t have kids, if I’m rarely (if ever) attracted to anyone)

  126. Lisa May 28, 2016 / 1:51 pm

    This was an intense article. I cried. I am strugling with this.
    She cries because she has been trying to concieve for five years. She cries because she knows her health issues are a great concern. She cries because she knows her health issues would be classfied as “high risk”. She cries because her little sister just had her first baby and knows in a perfect world, it should have had been her first. She cries because her husband is a very loving, caring man, but too stuborn to go the docter’s office to get tested. She cries because deep down she knows that raising a child in her current home would be hard.

    • sk May 28, 2016 / 6:41 pm

      This too, is my own story. Blessings.

  127. beth May 28, 2016 / 2:07 pm

    Cries because she’s 38 and her husband thinks they are too old to have children. Cries because all her friends have kids and being ‘antie’ isn’t enough.

  128. Aisha R. May 28, 2016 / 2:28 pm

    Thank you for this! As someone who is struggling with the fact that I can’t have children naturally because ovarian cancer took away that option, it feels great to see that someone gets it. Hearing “I wouldn’t want any children anyway” from women with kids or folks saying “but you beat the cancer, that’s what is important”..it all saddens and angers me. I just want to be able to process this loss without all the extra comments or looks. Yes, I’m grateful and blessed to be in remission but I still cry over what was stolen from me. Thank you for capturing this so beautifully for all women who are struggling with wherever their journey has them in life.

  129. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 2:34 pm

    Sad because she got blissfully married to the love of her life at 23, then got sick at 24. Sad because she has an illness few people understand. Sad because her husband doesn’t remember who she used to be. Sad because she does. Sad because her life changed forever. Sad because she’s been married 6 years now and people keep asking. Sad because people roll their eyes when she explains. Sad because people try to convince her she is wrong, she could do it if she really wanted to. Sad because she can’t explain life is already hard enough without having another person to be responsible for. Sad because she already feels guilty for what she couldn’t give that child and for letting them down, when they dont even exist. Sad because she already feels guilty about finding parenting too hard and in her mind sees herself fall apart in a future she doesn’t even think will happen. Sad because sometimes she thinks it would be OK, before another crushing relapse. Sad because it’s a shame he can’t be a father, his arms were made for it and all he has is her. Sad because he keeps saying she is enough, but she doesn’t think that will last. Sad because of how much he lights up when he’s playing with his nephew and friends children. Sad because people pity her, she still enjoys her life, kids aren’t everything to her anymore. Sad because people think less of her, all the time. Sad because it’s a painful choice, and people think it’s a bad one. Sad because one day she might give in and regret it. Sad because this illness changed her life and no one cares. Sad because she isn’t the person she wanted to be.

  130. Rainbow Baby Hopes May 28, 2016 / 2:39 pm

    Hi ,
    I have had 6 early miscarriages . Sorry to hear of your losses. You may want to read my blog. http://www.rainbowbabyhopes.com . I have secondary infertility . I have some poems on there which you probably will relate to. Best wishes .

  131. Kimberly Moses May 28, 2016 / 2:40 pm

    I am overwhelmed reading these responses to this beautiful article, I do feel empathy for a woman who desparately wants to be a mother however I chose not to have a child, and I didn’t cry, I knew it was the right thing for me. I didn’t marry because I couldn’t or wouldn’t find a man to marry…I chose to be alone for reasons that I finally understand I do not have to share with anyone. I don’t cry because I am childless or unmarried, I cry when I am thought of as a freak.

    Being in love with someone doesn’t always equate to having a child nor does having a child equate with being in love. Having a child is about devotion, it is about teaching another human about being part of this world, on how to contribute and be something.

    I cry when I look about and see selfish and uncaring children, I cry when I see a parents ignore children. I cry when I watch parents put their children up on an undeserving pedestal, I cry when I see children getting every thing they could ever want and not appreciating it, and only wanting more.

    I do rejoice when I see a child do someting kind, I rejoice when I see a parent taking time to teach their children and those parents that speak kindly to their children. I rejoice when i see a parent holding a child instead of a cell phone.

    One day I heard a story that made me want to cry. A little girl with mild autism was taking a swim class, at the end of the class, she loved picking up the noodles and the balls to put them away neatly, unfortunately a group of older children were in the pool playing with one of the balls she loved to put away. The little girl, unable to explain her situation, cried out to get the ball back and the older kids taunted her, and wouldn’t stop laughing at her, they had no understanding of her condition and they didn’t want to nor did they have to give the ball to her. Their parents sat alongside the pool ignoring the chaos happening, they choose to look at their phones and not get involved with the situation. Eventually, the little girl was calmed down and taken home while the kids in the pool went back to playing their games. The situation was over, it was not resolved and the little girl was exhausted from her ordeal, and the older kids mildly annoyed.

    I was shocked when I heard the story, and it bothered the hell out me because there was an opportunity for parents to have a teachable moment with their children. All they had to do was get up, access the situation, ask their kids to give the little girl the ball and after the little girl left, they could have explained why the little girl was not rational to them. It would have been a moment where those kids in the pool may have understood what made the little girl want the ball..they would have been introduced to a concept they may not understand but maybe would have felt something little more than annoyance for a little girl that lives in a world that is severely misunderstood. Those kids would have had an experience that may have taught them kindness instead the parent wanted nothing to do with a little girl they viewed as unruly, when it should have been clear to them that something was out of order with the little one.

    …and that makes me cry very much

  132. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 3:16 pm

    Thank you for putting the pain into words…bless you.

  133. Anon May 28, 2016 / 3:22 pm

    Just a thought, I honestly don’t care to judge, but the “because I want to” or “because im lonely” defense for having an abundance of children is where I saw a problem. I sound like a conspiracy theorist when I say this, but the planet has enough people, so I’m definitely not a proponent of senselessly and selfishly adding to that. Avoiding the scientific reasons why overpopulation is a problem, a more believable reason would be the economic system being stressed by more and more periods of women being out of the workforce on maternity leave – not to mention the scarcity effect that is born of incessant birthing.
    I’m a believer of “to each their own,” as long as its not encroaching on others’ rights – but I think the possible consequences I rattled off might be a “commons” issue..
    And yes, I realize this sounds like an intro to economics class and in the end is pretty “judge-y,” so what do I know?

  134. Melissa May 28, 2016 / 3:31 pm

    Cries because she has been battling cancer for 3 years and is now 30 years old being told that the only current treatment will cause permanent infertility. Cries because she can’t imagine her choice being taken away. Cries because she feels like, should she ever meet man she wants to marry and have a life with, he will walk away because of a choice she had to make to save her own life. Cries because she doesn’t want to go through menopause the same time as her mother. Cries because around her others laugh about how they could never imagine having kids because they are not “responsible ” for other lives but have no idea what it is like having the choice taken away..

  135. pamela May 28, 2016 / 3:32 pm

    Thank you for including part of my story.

  136. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 3:42 pm

    Very depressing article.. being women does not mean u need to cry.. cry cry… answer back.. ppl just comment and go.. try spreading positivity rather showing women as weak

    • Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 9:51 pm

      Crying does not make you weak, it makes you human. Many cry on the inside and paste on a brave face for the world because they are afraid to appear “weak” to people like you. You have obviously missed the point of the article – compassion. You do not know someone’s situation so you should consider how your comments/jokes might affect them in a negative way. So please take your own advice and spread some positivity to women by showing compassion for their tears for how other people’s thoughtless comments affect them in their struggles.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 2:01 am

      Crying is not an indication of weakness. Besides this article is not implying that women cry all of the time. But sometimes people ask questions and make assumptions that are hurtful or insensitive. No one should feel pressured to give a stranger all of the details of why she is single, childless, has 10 children, or doesn’t want children. The point is, we don’t know other people’s stories so we should be more tactful when asking strangers about their personal lives.

    • anon May 29, 2016 / 7:19 am

      Crying is not weak. It is a sign of having a big heart, of having feelings. It is a sign of disappointment and hurt. Woman cry when we can’t do and feel frustrated for not having the answers. You are a contradiction. You want to spread positivity, yet did the exact opposite. Sometimes, thoughts should remain in our head, try it sometime!

      • Jolie May 29, 2016 / 8:11 am

        Well said!

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:37 pm

      You obviously can’t relate. It’s the worst thing to want to be a mother so bad and can’t. If you went through multiple failed in vitros causing you physical, mental, and financial difficulties maybe you’d think twice before posting that. Shame on you

  137. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 3:48 pm

    These are so sad to read! It’s sad to me because I have two granddaughters that absolutely want and live children. Each have lost their first , one just recently. My heart aches for them. I,m trusting and believing one day God will give them , their hearts desire. One has fostered and adopted the other has always had to settle for loving someone else’s and she was great at it. God said He would give us the desires of our hearts, it’s His promise to us . the one , each of them lost , is in heaven waiting for their Mom’s to introduce themselves with an Eterinity to spend with them. They might not understand that just yet but one day they will. They may not have been able to hold them here on earth but one day they will! Like many have mentioned there are young girls out here that have baby after baby and could care less, they wa t them for one reason Nd only that, a paycheck. That is so sad, because they are not Mother’s they are baby making machines. There are so many reasons some women don’ t have children and some that do abort them but they will give an account , for each one that does that. Some chooses careers over having babies, such selfish women! I had 5 children and love everyone of them. It wasn’ t always easy but I would do it all over again. My children are everything to me after Jesus Christ! For my precious granddaughters , I say ” All Is Well” those babies are coming. We serve an Awesome God and He doesn’ t break His promises. I pray every woman out there that wants children, God will grant their wishes! Bless you all!

    • Ambrose June 28, 2016 / 5:08 pm

      For being such a “Christian, ” you’re extremely judgemental and rude! In case you missed it, the point of this article is to mind your business. Women who chose careers aren’t selfish, they chose their path same with the women who had abortions. You just spit venom over and over again in your comment, and it’s not your place to judge! I feel for your granddaughters, seems like you would make them feel worse than anyone else could.

  138. Elaine May 28, 2016 / 3:49 pm

    I have shed tears in each of these parenting heartbreaks. Five years of endometriosis caused infertility with people constantly asking why my husband and I were waiting so long. A pregnancy followed by a baby who only lived four days. “Just get over it, God wants pretty things around Him too!” I was told. After successfully having a wonderful son I later had a miscarriage which I did not share with others, but the loss weighed heavily on my heart, especially with all of the “when are you going to have another one” questions. When my next two arrived almost back to back, everyone wanted to know was I trying to fill up my mini-van and even suggested I abort my youngest. Again they didn’t know that I cannot use any chemical based birth control due to chronic migraines, and my health insurance wouldn’t pay for an iud.

    These very same people would never ask what my favorite sexual position is, why do the feel that my reproductive life is their business?

  139. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 3:50 pm

    crying is not solving, if you can’t have your own you can adopt one and raise as your own, If you have more than others be grateful and happy, if you have only one then thank God. It is all your attitude sisters!

    • Kerri June 15, 2016 / 10:53 pm

      Do you have any idea how expensive adopting is? People can’t always “just adopt”. Not everyone has 30 grand laying around.

  140. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 4:08 pm

    Great post. Thanks. I enjoyed reading it.

  141. Anastasia May 28, 2016 / 4:29 pm

    I like it but it bothers me that women who are just childless by choice, and really do not ever want to become mothers, are completely left out. This gives the impression that no woman’s life can ever be complete without children, which is false.

  142. Sasoriza May 28, 2016 / 4:37 pm

    Just wanted to say thank you so much to the writer of this story Nadirah Angail. You helped me to know that I’m not alone in my struggle to have a baby.

    • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:35 pm

      You’re so welcome. You’re never alone.

  143. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 4:45 pm

    Sometimes we laugh (not cry) cause we just can’t understand why some people are too dumb to realise that motherhood isn’t for everyone

  144. MARIE May 28, 2016 / 4:59 pm

    As others have stated….cries because ppl still think a woman must choose children. Cries in frustration that she wants to say “Never wanted any .. mind your womb”..

  145. Kate May 28, 2016 / 5:02 pm

    When I married we knew that children were unlikely, that I would be high risk, if it happened at all. For the first two years people, particularly my in-laws, constantly asked when the babies were coming and why wasn’t I pregnant.

    I did not cry, I explained the situation, in detail to those closest, a simple “We can’t” for acquaintances. I never cried, my husband and I smiled at each other. We had made our peace with Mother Nature and were inclined to count the blessings in our lives.

    But one day I did get pregnant, it was difficult, it created a divide between us. My husband loved the child from the instant he found out and when the baby nearly died at birth he never quite forgave me. We were told that would be the last. I was saddened.

    Another miracle followed a few years later, a very high risk pregnancy, I spent it in hospital. We nearly lost him twice. Then, although his birth went well, I clung to life in intensive care for the next three weeks. I didn’t get to bond with him until he was nearly a month old. My husband was frustrated at having been left alone to fend for himself with an infant and a toddler. I was saddened.

    When we divorced and sold the house I sat in my little boy’s empty room and had a little cry. Of sadness for the loss of my best friend who was there with me when we thought we couldn’t have children, but who turned his back when he learned that having them was hard.

    And I cried for joy that I had been blessed in the end with one healthy and one chronically ill little boy who would still have both of us.

    I cried again when my little boy died at fifteen. We all did.

    Then I stopped crying. Because I had a life to live, and though sadness deserves to be served on occasion, feeling sorry for oneself and living through abject floods of tears because life was not what you expected is not what most women, strong women do.

    Those of you who are trapped there, find your sisters, lean on us. We’ll drive you to the psychologist.

  146. Nikki May 28, 2016 / 5:59 pm

    I was that woman, at 30, who cried having been married for 7 years with no kids, having just been diagnosed with PCOS and uterine didelphys and not given a lot of hope that having children would happen without medical intervention. Medical intervention that my husband decided wasn’t worth it. Fast forward 3 years and I was pregnant, without the medical intervention. At 8 weeks I saw the baby via ultrasound, at 9 weeks I was declared high risk, at 12 weeks they couldn’t find the heartbeat but another ultrasound showed that baby was fine. At 17 weeks I was told that baby wouldn’t make it and I should just abort my son, “it would be easier.” I refused. At 38 weeks I went into labor. My cervix was closed so they wanted to give me pitocin, pitocin is contraindicated for uterine didelphys because the contractions can crush baby. I refused. 16 hours in, baby’s heart stopped, and started, repeatedly due to the contractions. We had an emergency C-section. Baby came out screaming and well. He’s 3 now and perfectly healthy. 🙂 Days after his birth I was diagnosed with Pemphigoid Gestationis, an autoimmune disease. I am told I am not to touch my baby bare handed due to the medication, nor breastfeed him. I pump and dump, hoping that we will be able to again soon. We are able to go back to breastfeeding. I breastfeed him until he is 21 months old, and I am pregnant again. This time, despite all of the potential disasters, we get to 34+2 weeks before there is anything unusual. Then I wake up bleeding. We go to the hospital. Baby is hanging in there, but we can’t find the source of said bleeding. Late that night, we have another emergency C-section. Doctor says if we waited things would have gone bad fast, and there may not have been time. Son #2 spends 2 weeks in the NICU. Son #2 turns 1 next month. NOTHING is impossible and I know that things don’t always make sense and they definitely aren’t fair, but miracles do happen.

  147. Mrs Patricia Keenan May 28, 2016 / 6:15 pm

    I myself spent all my childhood & late teens/twenties saying to people who asked why I hadn’t any kids or if I wanted them, that because of my health & the way I was born (axompylus hernia), in otherword with my intestines on the outside of my body (which I’m left with a massive scare on my tummy & no bellybutton), hole in my heart which closed itself, 1 full formed kidney & one not so fully formed, for these health reasons I didn’t really know if I could have a baby due to all these issues. Then I met my husband who already has 4 children to 2 different women & had had the snip, but he got that reversed only months after we met. He never got it checked to see if it had worked. Then we got married in June 2010 & then in September 2010 I found out I had cervical cancer, & as I’d never had children they offered to save as much as they could so only took the cancerous part of my cervix & my limphnodes, Then a year later my gynae referred me to family planning to see if they can help me get pregnant, but after tests on me & my husband found that his reversal hadn’t worked afterall, the Dr said it was a good thing anyway as he was not happy at all to help me get pregnant due to all my health problems from birth & past few years as I’d also had a heart attack at the age of 30yrs old after my mother passed away. So as I had got my hopes up from my very first appt with family planning, I was distraught when the Dr said those words to me, but the next day I had to give myself a kick & wise up as I had always known deep down that this may not have been a possibility due to my birth defects & what the pregnancy risks not only to me but to my child in being born disable, dead, or disabling me or killing me, or both me & my baby die. My husband said that he’d rather have me around longer than have a child without a mother or a disabled child without a mother & that I had 2 step-sons from my husbands previous marriage who adored me. But now they are in their teens & we don’t see them anymore, I had thought about finding a surrogate or adopting or fostering, but my health is not the greatest as I can not get out of bed most days due to degenerative disc disease, hip dysplacia & most recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia, so I have come to the conclusion that I would not be able to look after anyone else if I cant even move myself. So from this I have decided that animals (Cats) are my babies from here on in. I was not ment to be a mother even though I know deep down I’d be a great mother, at least my niece has 2 kids who also adore me & I adore them. Friends kids even adore me as I adore them for who they are & I get along very well with kids & with babies I am glad I can hand them to the parent when it comes to nappy changing time 🙂 not everyone is built to be a mother no matter how much they want kids & cant have, they are for other reasons, ie fostering, adopting other babies/kids who need a mother to love them & help them through whatever tough background they have come from & to see that not all people are the same. Just be glad to be able to have a baby, foster or adopt, not all people have this option…

  148. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 6:58 pm

    and sometimes god forbid couples decide not to have children. not everyone wants rthem. people should respect that decision

  149. Karen May 28, 2016 / 9:03 pm

    Yes I’m that 40 year old that was asked today why she only had one and who would love to have more but has miscarried two times now. Yes I’m the one crying….

    • jolly May 28, 2016 / 9:59 pm

      stop your crying and start thanking God for the one that you have to love and care for, which may bring u 5 or 6 grands, so be thankful for the one God has trusted into your care. and move on with joy. because u could not have had that one, so you have a blessing from God so smile.and move on.in life hope for the best. God knows what we can handle.

    • Anon May 29, 2016 / 9:52 am

      Me too.

  150. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 9:54 pm

    Absolutely beautiful, tear-jerking and thought-provoking. We take so much for granted. We need to learn to love people right where they are. That’s what God does.

  151. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:07 pm

    I cried because I didn’t want children in a marriage that was bad and I was afraid of leaving. Back and forth we were, I was set to celebrate my 21st and leave for the Navy 2 months later. Everything that went wrong, became worse. Having a baby doesn’t fix a marriage. I cried because almost 2 years after my first was born, my son was born, and 2 weeks after his birth, he was diagnosed with Trisomy 21, and I was 23. The only one in my family with a child that has special needs, in th younger generation-out of more than I think 20 1st cousins, I’m the only one. I cry because I have 3 beautiful children that I love more than life itself, and they have ADD/ADHD/DS and I have a family member that has 3 beautiful children with not a health concern and this person isn’t a fit parent..trust me, I’ve been an eyewitness and got a chewing out when I intervened when this person yelled at their own baby and the newest baby.

  152. ndu.t.yke May 28, 2016 / 10:16 pm

    Reblogged this on {while in sydney} and commented:
    Mind your own womb. Urus saja rahim & anakmu sendiri, hehehe. Ini topik sensitif. Jadi? Mari sama-sama belajar mengendalikan mulut dan hati. Tidak terlalu kepo & berkomentar sembarangan. Di sisi lain, belajar juga untuk tidak juga terlalu sensitif. Bukan kata& kalimat orang lain yg akan mengundang ketidak-ridho’an Alloh datang pada kita. Tapi kata& kalimat kita sendiri yg kita ucapkan untuk orang lain 🙂

  153. ndu.t.yke May 28, 2016 / 10:16 pm

    filter, people. have some of it please!

  154. AA May 28, 2016 / 10:44 pm

    Thank you this is all I have been goin tru in my life journey in haven’t being able to conceive I had endometriosis and at the later run they remove one of my ovaries tru a cist that out grue it and this cause my menstruation to cease at an early age in behalf of all am thankful to God that have allowed me to have peace of mind he had other plans for me.

    • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:30 pm

      Glad you’re at peace. And remember, there are many ways to mother that don’t involve pregnancy. (Thats if you want to be a mother. You might not. And that’s cool too.)

  155. Anonymous May 28, 2016 / 10:56 pm

    Am 36, been married 2 years 4 months, love children……and really want my own. Cries and feels sad when I hear of the pregnancy of another, or see young women with many that they’re not even able to take care of and the list can go on……About 1 month ago I had myomectomy due to fibroids, during surgery doctors realize I have endometriosis and had to stitch up my womb. Desperately wants my own child, but doctor says there is a slim chance of pregnancy………smh…….God is the creator of all and one day I will have my own………though the tears and heartache of other pregnancies…..I still sometimes cry……I can so relate to this article……Thank you!!

  156. Aud May 28, 2016 / 10:57 pm

    I have always been asked why would i have more kids after finding out my first child had autism. Didn’t find out until my second son was two and my oldest was almost 5. Just thought he was a little slower then most kids. Got pregnant with my third and still don’t regret any of my kids or want to change them for the world. Yes it’s hard at times but i love my babies with all my heart. And my oldest is the only one of my babies to have autism he is 11 now and doing great. Great article.

  157. Leah's Heart May 28, 2016 / 10:58 pm

    One of the best I’ve ever read.
    Simply fabulous.

  158. Leah's Heart May 28, 2016 / 10:59 pm

    **
    Ladies,
    Sisters,
    Let us bear one another’s burdens,
    Not add to them.

  159. mini2z May 28, 2016 / 11:03 pm

    Reblogged this on mini2z and commented:
    Don’t ever question an others pregnancy, lack of pregnancy or how many children they have, be it none, one or six, it’s none of your business
    mini2z
    mom to 2 babies, 3 angels and two amazing step kids

  160. manyofus May 28, 2016 / 11:14 pm

    An early 40s single woman cries because she waited and waited for the right guy, trying everything she could to find him, perhaps even staying with guys when she shouldn’t have, and now it’s too late. She cries because IVF after IVF must be done in secret and the losses can’t be talked about because all too often single women are seen as selfish if they try to go it alone. She cries because she hasn’t found the love of her life or the little bundles of love that she dreamed of since she was a little girl.

  161. suerie May 28, 2016 / 11:23 pm

    Thank you for this. This is such an amazing article that i even shared it over on facebook. Me and my husband are trying and still are. But sometimes people words just get the best of me. I get frustrated when i have my menses. But still have this tiny hope in our heart that ome day we will get pregnant. Ive learn that people will never stop asking, and thats just humans being human. I give them a benefit of a doubt that maybe they just dont know. Again thank you for this beautiful write up for telling me, us and everyone that some where out there some people go through even tougher things that even im not aware of.

  162. Kesi Stearns May 29, 2016 / 12:14 am

    And then there’s somewhere, a woman in her 20’s. She’s asked “when are you gonna have kids?” She lets out a laugh thats not actually mirth, and says “I dont want children” and is told “you will change your mind someday” and she just shakes her head and walks away, but no one would guess when she is alone, she cries
    she cries because she hates the pressure put on her by society to have a child she feels inadequate to care for. cries because she has a genetic condition and cant bear the thought of that 50/50 chance her baby would have it to, so she just doesnt try. cries because its her body, her choice, and she just doesnt want kids. cries because she lost one, and cant face the idea of another pregnancy with no baby to hold when it’s come to an end. cries because she’s supposed to have kids, so something must be wrong with her, because she cant stand them. cries because she was forced to give up her daughter as a teenager, and wont risk losing the next…

  163. k May 29, 2016 / 1:30 am

    cries because she is single and never thought she would be at 40

  164. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 1:38 am

    I cry because I took that difficult decision to leave an abusive marriage.Cry because i cant still realize why I should live in so much unhappiness in the name of marriage.I cry because everyone sees me as terrible/irresponsible for not being able to hold on to the union for better and for worse.Cry because I’m very ok with my only daughter and I sincerely don’t want any other man or child.cry because pple assume that it’s not possible for me to be happy and contented as a single mum.They presume that my decison is becos I’m frustrated.Cry because when pple realize that I’m divorced at a young age,they give me that “what a waste look” for not wanting to remarry.cry because I don’t want to be pressurised into circumstances that sincerely cant make me fufilled…not when my dad tells me that none of his children,is destined to have an only child…I really do cry cos I just want them to leave me alone.its my life!.however, at all times I just can’t find the right response to give,so I just listen,I bleed inside and I say THANK YOU.

  165. mrlesco May 29, 2016 / 2:14 am

    Thank you for writing this and for sharing your thoughts. This – this is something people need to read, even if they can’t understand it.

  166. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 2:48 am

    So apt. And so heart touching.

  167. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 3:09 am

    Somewhere there is a woman: 28, no husband. People ask her, “Why aren’t you married yet?”

    Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced contentment to laugh it away. “I don’t know” she says with a weak smile, muffling her pain.

    “You’ll find someone when it’s right,” the well-intentioned says before departing, happy to offer this fake comfort. The well-intentioned leaves. The woman holds her doubtful smile waiting until she can be alone again. She cries…

    Cries because she’s been in love before but he walked away. Cries because she’s never found love. Cries because her friends all got married last year. Cries because her best friend is getting married this year. Cries because she got yet another wedding invite. Cries because she goes to bed alone. Cries because she fears she will always be alone. Cries because she’s got too much baggage to find a mate. Cries because her mate has too much baggage to set a date. Cries because she feels invisible. Cries because she feels undesirable. Cries because she’s the only one in her family not married and she feels like she can’t relate.

    -kl

  168. Kelli Lippard May 29, 2016 / 3:16 am

    This was touching… I wanted to offer another perspective since I thought this article was done so lovely.

    Somewhere there is a woman: 28, no husband. People ask her, “Why aren’t you married yet?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced contentment to laugh it away.
    “I don’t know” she says with a weak smile, muffling her pain.

    “You’ll find someone when it’s right,” the well-intentioned says before departing, happy to offer this fake comfort. The well-intentioned leaves. The woman holds her doubtful smile waiting until she can be alone again. She cries…

    Cries because she’s been in love before but he walked away. Cries because she’s never found love. Cries because her friends all got married last year. Cries because her best friend is getting married this year. Cries because she got yet another wedding invite. Cries because she goes to bed alone. Cries because she fears she will always be alone. Cries because she’s got too much baggage to find a mate. Cries because her mate has too much baggage to set a date. Cries because she feels invisible. Cries because she feels undesirable. Cries because she’s the only one in her family not married and she feels like she can’t relate. Cries because she’s getting older and fears that it’s too late.

    There are so many situations that are truly sensitive. I love this reminder for us to be sensitive with others, for we don’t know their entire story.

    • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 4:48 pm

      Yes, this is very true! And I appreciate you bringing it up. I know women in this position too. There are so many other scenarios I could have included. I didn’t meant to leave anyone out. I knew this wasn’t and end-all-be-all list. Thanks for your comment!

  169. Nazia May 29, 2016 / 3:22 am

    Somewhere there is a woman, 32 and not married. People ask her ‘When will you marry?’ She smiles, gives a little shrug and says ‘one day’

    ‘Well hurry and settle, you know having kids gets more difficult once you’re in your 30s’. She holds her smile. Alone, she cries…

    Cries because nobody understands her struggle. Cries because she tried and failed once, twice, the third time and doesn’t know what to do anymore. Cries because she wanted to have a big family, now having any family seemed a dream far fetched. Cries because nobody wants to help. Cries because her friends have settled and are too busy to spend abit of time with her. Cries because she wanted to be a young mother, now she doesn’t know if she will even get to be a wife let alone a mother. Cries because she has no one to comfort her. Cries because she sees families having picnics and enjoying each others company whilst she sits alone waiting for someone. Cries because everyone says be patient, but do they know what patience means. Cries because she’s been forgotten.

    Addition to Mind Your Own Womb for my single sisters ❤

    • Dianna May 30, 2016 / 10:38 pm

      Thank you for being my voice

  170. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:16 am

    All I want to say is thank you for giving me a voice. God bless you.

  171. queenreny May 29, 2016 / 4:22 am

    Thinking is hard, that’s why people judge.
    People can’t seem to understand that your life and choices are just that, YOURS!

    To all those who have a feeling of being judged, I’m sorry, let me be atleast one of the people to tell you that I wish you happiness, whichever form it is and may your prayers be answered.

    Congratulations to you, for being a woman, one who loves.

  172. Mary May 29, 2016 / 4:52 am

    Somewhere there is a woman: 28, just got married last June, Its been a year now. Her mother asks when they will start having children, she responds “soon, very soon.” and changes the subject because deep down she cries.

    She cries because her husband is HIV positive, she knew this before they got married, she is negative so they can never be intimate without protection.

    They plan on going to the doctor when they are ready to have children, they will either have to do in-vitro or try out a method called PREP.

    They both want 5 or more children, but have not spoken about having children ever since they got married.

    She cries because she doesnt even know if any of the methods are safe, and now she doesnt even know if she wants any children anymore.

  173. A listener May 29, 2016 / 5:24 am

    Thank you Nadirah for your depth of empathy knowing that you’re not even personally affected by these kinds of trials. There should be more people like you who don’t need to “wear the shoe” to understand how others can feel, and express it so genuinely.

    I’ve been having problems myself and was touched by the second scenario of the mother who was pregnant again. So many stories exist and I love hearing them all.. but you’re right Nadirah…you can’t possibly tell everyone’s story. I’d add that it’s also not your responsibility to do so. You’re just using social media to raise awareness about your fellow women’s struggles, and that’s beautiful.

    It saddened me to hear that someone you know “cries because her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children”. I wish I could reach out to that person and tell her that a woman doesn’t “give” a man children. Contrary to traditional beliefs, it’s not our duty to bestow children upon our male partners. This also reinforces an underlying misconception that child-bearing is entirely within a woman’s control, as though “giving” a man a child is a choice. A man and a woman create a child together, no matter the circumstances under which that creation happens. A baby is not a commodity that we hand over to our partner, nor does a man “give” us a baby, on the other side of the coin. A lot of faulty or self-depreciating thinking reveals itself in the language we use.

    For all my fellow women being peered at by that judgmental social eye, be kind to yourselves. Kindness goes a long way.

  174. lhm May 29, 2016 / 5:45 am

    Then there are the women who are 50 something, with no kids, who get the sad smiles from strangers when they ask about grandchildren–or the accusing looks. We must be cold-hearted, unloving creatures not to have kids, right? Or we couldn’t have them, and went through much sadness finding out?

    Or maybe we came from families that gave us no idea at all how parents should be; maybe the models we had growing up made us fearful that we, too, would hurt any children we had. Maybe because we were afraid to be bad parents, so we decided it was best that we not become parents at all.

    Still, even when I’ve confided in a very few people why I have no children, they say, oh, you would’ve been a great Mom (as if that’s somehow comforting now that it’s too late). Well, how do you know that? And isn’t it better if I don’t take the chance that I will harm a child, either psychologically or physically? Does the world really need another bad mother?

  175. suzi May 29, 2016 / 5:46 am

    But… isn’t it sad that people don’t feel able to say “well actually…. i’d love to but can’t / i’ve had 2 (or 6 or 10) miscarriages / i hate kids” etc etc. often even to close family.

    What about “I;m crying because i found out my friend can’t carry a child, just after i was sterilized… i would have carried one for her if i’d known…”

    Why is it now more normal to fear or judge potential reactions than it is to be honest?

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 8:42 am

      Exactly. I read this, and while I understand it is truthful for many, and I respect that, I’ve never felt the need to feel sad about my own situation, or to compare myself to others. Instead, I celebrate that everyone is different. However, I’ve never thought another’s reproductive system or marital status is any of my business, so I don’t start conversations about it.

  176. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 5:53 am

    A beautiful article thank you.

    I cry because I probably can have children but my husband can’t father them as nature intended.
    Hopefully will one day lead to help through ICSI. I pray everyday that we get there and that my husband and I remain as strong as ever as we are now.

    xxxx

  177. Nordia McIntosh May 29, 2016 / 7:08 am

    OMG. Thank you for sharing my story. (still no children at 35 but…) Thank you, Thank You, Thank You! To all the beautiful people here, don’t get side tracked with this comment and that comment, please keep the focus right where it started. Women and Men struggle daily with issues of infertility and have limited spaces dedicated to issue without a sidebar conversation.

    To the others who shared their piece of the story, I pray that you will continue to walk in grace and love. Keep loving deeply, live simply…just be who you are because you are not defined by what you have but by who you are…Life is like a cup of coffee- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3NgzQ9Pcsg

    Blessings to again for starting the conversation on this veryyyyy sensitive issue

  178. Anon May 29, 2016 / 7:47 am

    Cries because she is single and doesn’t want to be. Cries because she desperately wants children and doesn’t even have the possibility of having any anytime soon. Cries because she’s scared to begin fostering and fill up some of the void with children she can love but at the cost of potential relationships and own children. Cries because her dad wants a grandchild and he’s dying. Cries because all her friends are having kids. Cries because she can’t cry about this because she’s single.

  179. MHO May 29, 2016 / 8:19 am

    I am 22 years old & have PCOS. I’m not married yet, but I’ve always wanted kids. I’m so scared. 😥

  180. Michelle May 29, 2016 / 9:05 am

    I am a 32 year old and all I want is a family but I am unable to have or carry to term my body hates me and All I want in this life is a family of my own .

  181. Amanda May 29, 2016 / 9:17 am

    I absolutely LOVE your beautiful writing. It encompasses many women who battle with the uncalled for, rude comments from outsiders. However, I feel you left another “type” of womb out of it. I am Type 1 Tokophobic. Most people don’t even know tokophobia exists. Even my OBGYN and therapist had never heard of it. -_- It is a fear of child bearing. In my case, a very extreme fear. I nearly have panic attacks when I see pregnant women in a store. I am most like the first woman you described, 31 years old, no children, and tired of the ignorant comments. I am a high school math teacher, so when I’m asked the ridiculous question if I have kids I respond, “Yes, about 120 of them!” 😊 I am hoping to adopt a couple of kids one day, but I am certainly tired of people not “minding their own wombs.”

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 5:45 pm

      I had to have a hysterectomy at 29. I was married at 24 and we tried everything except in vitro which we could have heve never afforded and because my husband had a friend who did that and he would never put his wife through that again…it is also only 30% successful. The hysterectomy was necessary. I wanted children desperately. I am a teacher and Nanny and have used this to substitute my own children but it is NOT the same. Sometimes if people ask I pretend I’m expecting sometimes I just tell them I can’t. My friends have been kind and only tell me what it is like if I ask. It is still though like an exclusive club I can’t join. My husband says he likes our lives as they are but I would had loved to give him children and make our parents grandparents. Now my parents are gone, I have nothing to pass on except to a Godson and some cousins. This is my life and I am grateful perhaps I’ll know why I didn’t have them but it is just that way. I have grieved for the children I will never have. I have come to believe that I am not being punished and I could start my own club…childless and parents welcome.

  182. Anonymous cdn May 29, 2016 / 9:20 am

    It has probably already been said, there’s been so many comments on this post. However I feel as if I have to say something. I am 38 and single. I have had women laughingly say ….you better get a move on, to the more personal questions like. Why don’t you have children?
    Seriously? What am I suppose to answer them that doesnt lead them on a torrent of how wonderful motherhood is or how much ill regret not having children.
    It just hasn’t happened. And it might never. It’s no body’s business why…and you don’t need to know why either. Just accept it. Because no matter how hard it is for you to accept….imagine how hard it is for me.
    And for the woman who choose NOT to have children. There is nothing wrong with you no matter what society thinks or says.

  183. DDk May 29, 2016 / 9:30 am

    I feel like the society is there to look down on us. Someone commented that we should just learn to be happy and not let such random comments bother us but the truth is that these comments are not random (at least not for me) but a constant stream of comments. I remember how my cousins would always ask me why I’m not married yet followed by is it because no one will marry you? and you’re getting old and losing your looks, etc. She had been married for quite a while at that time and I always wanted to ask her why she wasn’t having a baby yet but never did because, as this piece pointed out, she might have been trying. She has a beautiful baby boy now (the love of my life! <3) and I just recently found out that she had in fact miscarried before. I am really glad that I held my tongue and my belief in minding my own business when it comes to things like this, instead of saying something hurtful in a fit of anger.
    Single or married, childless or not, we should all learn to be kind and generous and remember just because we can does not mean we should say whatever we want. It doesn't cost anything to be considerate.

  184. thegoodsport May 29, 2016 / 9:40 am

    Married at 18, first child at 20, and a total of 5 kids at age 27….. You can bet I heard more comments than I can count by chatty, bossy, nosy, cheery, or concerned busybodies! I was made to feel embarrassed, defensive, judged, and frustrated. Why, oh why do family members, casual acquaintances, and complete strangers feel entitled to ask and pry and give advice about a woman’s most intimate aspects of her personal life?
    Finally, I concluded that people are ignorant. They speak without thinking. But the thought that gave me the most understanding was the realization that “Being Pregnant is the MOST PUBLIC evidence of Your MOST PRIVATE Activities.” There are many conditions of a person’s health and life that you might not see or recognize, even up close. Even when that condition is perceived, it may have been caused by any number of events. But a BABY? You can see pregnancy from clear across the parking lot…. And we know that sex that was involved there somewhere.
    I guess I came to recognize that as a pregnant woman, I was a walking invitation for the observations of others. We humans comment on what we see.
    So I learned to grin with the secret knowledge that I had special insight into the workings of human nature. But I also made a vow that I would not ask prying questions about another person’s reproductive choices, or offer anyone un-asked-for advice. 40 years later I still keep that promise.

  185. Olivia Ahumada May 29, 2016 / 9:52 am

    I am 37 and a mother of an 18 year old. People always ask me why I didn’t have more or that I better hurry before I turn 40. I don’t even have a clear answer about why only one or if I even want to have another. I’ve been busy just living life. I wish women weren’t so hard on each other sometimes. This article was amazing and thank you for writing it. ALL of the women you spoke about are in my life and I love them all. Thank you again! I am touched..

    • Krissie May 30, 2016 / 5:35 am

      This. I get this all the time. I’m 37 with a 19 year old whose father is not involved in her life (through his actions over the years,my daughter chose not to have a relationship with him). My current husband has known my daughter since she was 2, we started dating when she was 8 and got married when she was 13. He has no biological children and doesn’t want any. I love my daughter, but I don’t want more children and did not want to have to start all over again with a baby and a teenager. People tell us all the time that we should start having kids, after all “we’re still young” and my husband “might want his own children”. My husband is a better father to my daughter than her father ever was. My husband and I are smart people who know what we want. We have both taken action to ensure we have no more children. It amazes me on a regular basis how people feel they can comment on my choices and my body. Everyone has a story that needs to be respected.

  186. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 9:53 am

    Beautiful article.

  187. tskip May 29, 2016 / 10:02 am

    As I sit here and cry my eye balls out. This article touched my soul. deep down I knew I was not alone but it’s so easy to feel that way.

  188. lydialaceby May 29, 2016 / 10:13 am

    Thank you so much for this piece. Tears streamed down my face while reading it. I was the first story and now the last, and the hits about when my 8 month old miracle son will get a sibling keep on coming. Thank you for shedding light on this topic, and for the second story. It wasn’t something I’ve thought about and you highlighted a different perspective which was eye opening. None of it is anyone’s business. Kudos to you.

  189. Navarre May 29, 2016 / 10:40 am

    Here is another,
    My name is Navarre and I gave birth to 3 beautiful loving children.
    Well my first born died in my arms from dealing with a brain tumor at the age of 5that left me with still a beautiful daughter and a handsome baby boy well through my journey of life we meet new people befriend them etc.
    They ask why is it you only have two children or girl I want to be just like you have a boy and a girl and thats it no more.
    Not knowing I had more then two not knowing I wanted and had more then two and by them NOT knowing this isn’t the part that hurts the part that hurts is know I don’t want to mention her to them cause then I re live the nightmare all over again.
    It’s not their fault that they don’t know that I’m dying inside its not their fault that they don’t know that I almost lost myself in grief over my baby its not their fault that they don’t that I still cry myself to sleep every night missing her cause the smell of her is fading so to be fair we cant feel some type of way about the un knowing. But…
    When you have someone who disrespect and out right say mean shit for no reason or none of their business at all then you the happy mother with the five kids or the woman who want to be a mother and cant and they know this FUCK THEM!!!
    They are the miserable one!!!

  190. David May 29, 2016 / 10:58 am

    There are men out there who feel this way too. A man who feels incomplete because hes 33 and has no children. A man who is resentful at his girl because she has 2 children and doesn’t want anymore. He is sad because his father wants a grandchild more than anything and I am the only one who can give him one. Devastated that all his friends have children and he knows he would be a great father. He is confused and wonders if he should leave his girl and find someone who will give him children, but he loves her to much to leave. He feels pressured because his family name will die with him if he doesn’t pass it on. In spite all this he trust God has a plan for his life and he tries to be content.

  191. Sheterra sanders May 29, 2016 / 11:18 am

    This article brought tears to my eyes as I read it because it’s so true! I am one of 5 sisters and have yet to have any children of my own. It never dawned on me what was “expected” of me until I moved back to my home town and now I hear endless remarks about me having children.

    I’m 28 and not married. I make a great living for myself and have. Dog…… I feel accomplished in so many ways but that stigma about me not married with children is extremely frustrating! I’m just living life and the blessings that are ment for me, I’ll receive, when I’m suppose to.

    Never live life how you think your “suppose to” and never listen to what “they say” at the end of it all your decisions about your life are the only ones that truly matter and if you feel accomplished, satisfied and most of all HAPPY thats all that matters!

    Love – Live – Life

  192. RTI May 29, 2016 / 11:31 am

    Wow so deep. Beautiful. Can relate. This touched me and brought tears as I’m experiencing 1 of those situations.

  193. thequiltedmoose May 29, 2016 / 11:34 am

    Somewhere else is another woman: 34, four sons. People say to her, “Are you going to try for a girl?!” And then they laugh… because those types of comments are just conversation starters and no harm is meant. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another day. Alone, she cries…

    Cries because she visits a grave every July – the grave of her beloved daughter. Cries because she always wonders what that daughter would be like now as a sophomore in High School; she has wondered at every year, every summer, every holiday, every birthday. Cries because all she wants to do is know her in this life. She opens a pink box when she needs to be with her. She smells her clothes. She stares at her photos. And then puts it away. On a shelf. Grieving always.

  194. Amanda May 29, 2016 / 11:54 am

    Mind Your Own Womb…

    Somewhere in the world there is a 31 year old woman with no kids.

    People often question “Do yo have any kids yet?” Her rehearsed response of “No, not yet” comes out as she tries to not start thinking about the fact that she can never have kids. “Well you better get going, the clock is ticking” they say. Later, alone, she cries.

    Cries because she is infertile. Cries because she had a hysterectomy. Cries because she has endometriosis. Cries because she wants a ‘mini me’. Cries because she will never be able to feel a baby kick. Cries because she will never get to pass her middle name down another generation like her mother and grandmother and great-grandmother did. Cries because she is happy it has been passed down to her niece by her sister. Cries because she loves her niece and nephew more than life itself and they are the only blood of hers she will ever remotely see in a child. Cries because people get pregnant all the time who don’t want to. Cries because people have abortions. Cries because people so quickly and easily decide to give up having a child she so desperately wants. Cries when she gets a baby shower invite. Cries when she hears of parents who never wanted their kids but has them anyway. Cries when she sees kids who are a spitting image of their parents. Cries when she sees pregnant women sometimes and her pain creeps up and slugs her in the chest so hard it hurts to breathe. Cries because most people would never understand. Cries because there is an emptiness in her.

    People reassure her that she can adopt. No big deal. ‘Well no shit…” she replies in her head, but simply says “I know”. And alone she cries…

    Cries because it’s just not that easy. Cries because she plans on adopting, but that doesn’t take the pain away. Cries because the average adoption costs over $30,000. Cries because adopting kids is not always an easy process. Cries because she hears horror stories of parents of the adopted kids changing their minds and trying to take ‘your’ baby away from you. Cries because why can’t she just carry and give birth to a baby like most people get to. Cries because who knows when she will have the money to adopt a child. Cries because a thought hits her out of nowhere and she just cries…

  195. B May 29, 2016 / 12:05 pm

    Very beautiful & moving article. All the comments to the article are very empowering. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences

  196. bobklahn May 29, 2016 / 12:07 pm

    My late wife and I had one child. We heard questions about when we would have another.

    After we adopted we never heard another word about that.

    We adopted a second time and there were no questions.

    I decided, if asked why we adopted, my answer would be, “I would not answer that question if my own mother asked me.” Fortunately she didn’t.

  197. Rachael May 29, 2016 / 12:12 pm

    I just want to point out that those comments about the one with a hundred kids aren’t always judgement. I’ve asked someone jokingly if she would slow down. Should I instead tell her how I really feel? That I’m jealous because I’ve always wanted a big family too, and have been unable to? That I struggle not to hate every woman I see with 7 of her own children(including her)? That it took years to conceive this baby and I genuinely want her to slow down, so I don’t feel like my dream of a big family is so hopeless?

  198. anon May 29, 2016 / 12:16 pm

    She cries because she has been many of those women, because she fell pregnant at 19 through no choice of her own but decided to keep the baby anyway. She cried knowing she would be on her own, felt too young, was sad how the baby was conceived. She cried because she had pain so severe at 8 weeks that when she went to the hospital they discovered a cyst on her ovary. She cried because the doctors told her they would need to operate on the cyst and offered her a termination, said the baby could be at risk and she accepted it. She cried because of the guilt she felt after the termination and tried to end it all. She cried because she survived, she cried because at 24 she met someone she loved and loved her back and wanted to spend her life with him, she cried because he felt marriage was just a bit of paper. She cried because she felt trapped in a stale relationship and allowed her head to be turned by another, someone who promised her the world if she left her man. She cried when her relationship was breaking down her man said, ‘lets have a baby’ to try and fix something that was far beyond broken and she broke her heart when she made her decision to leave at 29. She cried when the other man deserted her after telling her he loved her but moved on to another. She cried because she could never trust herself or commit to another relationship, hating what she had become. She cried because she discovered another cyst at 31 and had an ovary removed with the threat of them both being taken. She cried because of what she had become, sleeping around but using contraception, too scared to become a mother as it wasn’t fair on the child or the man because she was selfish. She cried because she didn’t deserve to be loved. She cried when she did meet a man, with three children who loves her and who wants to give her everything yet she isn’t sure if she loves him the same. She cried with joy and sadness when she fell pregnant at 38 and he proposed. She cried when she found out at the 12 week scan that her baby had died and had to wait another 3 weeks for treatment when it didn’t happen naturally. She cries still, wanting a baby but hardly able to let her man touch her and she cries knowing it might never happen, despite putting on the smile and acting the dotting fiancé and all she wants to do is curl up and fade away.

  199. Angela May 29, 2016 / 12:26 pm

    I love this article! Thank you for offering these very honest and real perspectives. It’s beyond time everyone “Mind Their Own Womb!”

  200. Trish May 29, 2016 / 12:32 pm

    I married my college sweetheart after graduation, and could NOT conceive. After two laparoscopic surgeries, I was nearly 30, and NOT pregnant. On my last try, the hormone therapy worked. Less than a month after my 33rd birthday, I gave birth to male fraternal twins. Such perfect joy!
    When the boys were 3 months old, hubby walked out.
    I was a single parent until hubby #2 happened along. My sons grew up without their birth father. He died this past New Years’ Eve, never having known my sons.
    Hubby #2 helped raise the boys, but would not adopt them. That is called being an “unchristian Catholic Italian”.
    My sons are 25. Perfect in every way. I am beyond blessed!

    • Estelle May 30, 2016 / 7:27 am

      You bless baby.

    • Trish H. May 30, 2016 / 7:55 am

      My name is Trish as well (LOL). I had a fibroid removal and still no luck. Which hormone therapy did you try?

  201. anonymous May 29, 2016 / 12:50 pm

    I’m in my late 20s and I have my career going, a homeowner, a great husband but I never been pregnant before. People always tell me it’s my time to have kids but my response is “No not ready yet” but truth is I would give anything to have one but I haven’t told anyone I don’t think I can have any I been trying for 12 years now. I’ve tried everything and I always get treated as if I’m unimportant by everyone including my husband he gets mad at me everytime someone close to me get pregnant he once cheated on me and the person he cheated with messaged me criticizing me about not being able to get pregnant. It hurted me so bad I almost took my own life. It’s sad to say but I dread when da holidays comes around because it makes me sad and it makes my husband upset with me even though he has 2 kids by a previous marriage. Noone knows that I know I will never become a mother I have so much to offer and if my husband I split there’s no use in trying to get into another relationship because I know eventually the other person would want to leave if I can’t produce a child. It hurts so bad I haven’t seen my 3 best friends in 6 years or more because It hurt me to go around people because I feel like a failure.

    • JC May 29, 2016 / 5:58 pm

      Dang girl! Thanks for sharing this. Hope you will find peace within yourself and your marriage. You are not a failure for the way your body is. I don’t know if you’ve considered it, but adoption might be another way for become a parent, or simply becoming a big sister/mentor is some local programs for young girls and boys. I cannot honestly say that I know how feel, so I’m not saying any of this to offer a “fix”. I really just want to express some compassion. I hope you will be happy, with or without children. I hope you will find more people will look beyond this minor part of you, and certainly hope you find that within your home. You seriously ARE more than that! Have a great day 🙂

    • Anonymous2 May 29, 2016 / 6:38 pm

      Girl, i hated the holidays for several years mostly bc of children. I felt excluded before my husband and I were married, then, when we were, we couldn’t conceive. Now, throngs are so much better. I begged for God’s mercy and he showed it to me.

      Please see a fertility specialist! If you can get a referral for something non-fertility related you can have some testing covered by insurance. You would feel better if you knew what the cause was or if it is him.

    • Niqui May 29, 2016 / 6:43 pm

      That doesn’t sound like you have a great husband. Also just because he has children from a previous relationship doesn’t mean he can’t be infertile now. Also if he did leave, you are more than capable of doing it on your own. Good luck and blessings upon you.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 7:36 pm

      My prayer is that you find true love and true joy and fulfilment…….grace to you more abundantly…….

    • Lance Jackson May 29, 2016 / 7:49 pm

      We can be trapped by what people consider ‘normal’. There are many lovely women (and men) for whom it is not possible to produce a child. That becomes ‘normal’ for them. Like you say, you have much to offer and I’d encourage you to develop your abilities. All life comes from the Creator but many remain barren. You are a whole woman before, or, without having children.
      Have you thought of adoption? I have a sister who suffered many miscarriages and eventually she and her husband agreed to adopt a boy, then a girl. They are now adults, married, and have produced my sister with grandchildren.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 8:19 pm

      I just wanted to say that I know it must be hard to be going through what you’re experiencing, but don’t dwell on bad thoughts such as never being able to have children and never being able to find someone who will love you because of it. There are many people who marry others knowing that they can’t have children. Also, I’m hoping for the best between you and your current husband, and you shouldn’t be ashamed to go around your friends because not having a child by your late twenties is not extreme at all. Don’t give up hope on your possibility of havig a child. I’m praying for your happiness and I hope things work out well for you!

    • kelia May 29, 2016 / 9:30 pm

      Same situation here.. But I still cling to God.. Praying for you also… So sad, everytime I am thinking about my situation, feels like I am hopeless but I still pray and I know God will make a way!

      • Gladys Awode May 30, 2016 / 3:42 am

        Kelia, I am happy for ur faith.God will surely make a way.Remember Sara and Abraham in the Bible,? God promised them, he will bless them.apparently ,they did not believe God, since there were now old.God kept his promise to them .In their old age he blessed them.what was impossible for man, was possible for God.Is anything too hard for God to do?The answer is NO.praying for you.🙏🏿

      • Glady Awode May 30, 2016 / 3:44 am

        My email was wrong.now sending the right one.thx.

      • Shanice Sandy May 30, 2016 / 3:41 pm

        God will make a way to both of you when there seems to be no way… I know my words probably wont do any good because i cannot imagine what both of you are going through…may God give you both peace love and happiness ❤

      • wills May 30, 2016 / 4:09 pm

        Thanks for the faith in God, and keep on Him, He says, He’s promises will surely come to pass and He is not human to lie. Relentlessly, keep seeking him and He shall surely come through.

    • Michele May 29, 2016 / 10:06 pm

      You haven’t done anything wrong, but your husband has. He has no right to treat you so disrespectfully! He should love and honor you, regardless what your body is or isn’t able to do. Love, honor, and respect through good times and in bad times. That is the wedding vow. He promised it. Now he needs to uphold his own words. Food for thought… A friend of mine was married to a similar type of man, and she miscarried several times. When she finally divorced him, she moved on with her own life. Eventually she remarried, and finally had her babies. I told her a long time ago that I thought her babies were waiting for the right daddy to come along for them to be born. That was her happy ending. Now you need to go find yours. It won’t necessarily work out the same way, but with a loving husband by your side, or at least with you living your life demanding respect from the people YOU CHOOSE to surround yourself with, life will be so beautiful!

    • Ally May 29, 2016 / 10:22 pm

      Don’t give up hope love. God will make a way for you to have beautiful children. Always and ask him to bless you with the joy of having kids. It may not happened when you want it to but as I know there is a God and he will answer your prayer in his time. Keep the faith.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 4:31 am

      I´ve tried for 4 years and nothing. Until I decided to try Chinese tradicional/alternative medicine – accupuncture, cupping, and a couple of special teas, and massages, and it worked out, i´m finally pregnant. I also changed my eating habits…. Unless the doctor says something is not right and your body cannot do it, NEVER give up please. Give eveything a try, with an open mind & heart. Have faith.

      • Daneal G May 30, 2016 / 6:51 pm

        Oh thank goodness! I thought my hysterectomy had nixed the deal, but now I learn tjat I need only pray and ill catch a case of the babies!

      • Daneal G May 30, 2016 / 7:11 pm

        Oh thank goodness! I thought my hysterectomy had nixed the deal, but now I learn that I need only pray and ill catch a case of the babies!

        I dont mean to sound bitter, but if people would mind their own damn business in the first place, they might not feel forced to remind me about how I too could immaculately conceive vor some such nonsense just to cover their embarrassment at having been so bluntly answered. Dont ask if you dont really want the answer.

    • Lilrose May 30, 2016 / 4:54 am

      A great husband? One who cheated on you? Who’s mistress contacted you to mock you? Who gets mad at you because you haven’t given him children yet? That is not a great husband. That is dogsh*t. You deserve better. You need therapy. Not saying that to be mean, but for real. You need help. You’re more than a baby-maker.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 5:08 am

      Know a couple like this they tried acupuncture and it worked

    • Vee May 30, 2016 / 5:10 am

      Be strong. Love yourself. You don’t need to be happy because of someone else, you need to learn how to be happy with yourself. You are beautiful in many ways. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

    • Nicole May 30, 2016 / 7:41 am

      Ooh honey. You are so much more then this circumstance. I’m struggling as well, but we need to remember that this doesn’t define us. If for some reason he leaves it is on him, not you! If another man should then happen into your life don’t close yourself to something potentially beautiful. You deserve love and comfort. Find your friends… Seek solice. Seek God. You are loved.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 9:09 am

      I think your husband is being a jerk. And the two of you are assuming that just because he produced two other children he can still produce children now. It’s been 12 years, time to take some measures.

    • Michelle May 30, 2016 / 10:24 am

      No no no, I’m 49 and unable to have kids. I was married in 2004 to a wonderful man who did not want children, we traveled, spent tons of time together, enjoyed our friends’ children, and let our maternal/paternal instincts out on our pets. He died in 2010 and I thought I would be alone until the end but in my lonliness, I dragged myself out of the house, and I ended up finding another wonderful man. He has a child (with a woman who is currently pregnant with her 3rd child with her 3rd baby-dadduly). My new relationship allows me to have a stepmom-role with this child and I’m so happy. My point is, please don’t give up on love, or having children in your life; you don’t have to give birth to enjoy either. If your husband ages you feel inadequate or worthless, please keep own that there are plenty of men who look at him and wonder how he got so lucky to have a loving, and devoted wife. Hang in there ❤

    • Becky May 30, 2016 / 11:42 am

      I am so sorry you are going through that. It’s unimaginably painful to face fertility issues. I do want to say one thing, though… your husband is a jerk. He cheated on you and actually told the woman that you couldn’t produce offspring for him? Not all men are that callous. My husband wanted children but when we got engaged, he told me that he wanted a life partner the most and if I didn’t want to or couldn’t have a baby, then it was okay with him. He held to that promise through my miscarriages. So, I absolutely guarantee that not all men are as hurtful as your husband. I pray that you find peace with wherever you life leads you.

    • Emmy May 30, 2016 / 12:38 pm

      Youre not a failure!!i was married for 9yrs and never concieved and the doctors kept on saying nothing was wrong with me.i parted with my husband a few yrs ago.i find it hard to start dating cos who wants a woman that cant have kids right?but be encouraged,have you been to gynecologists or fertility clinics?try IUI,IVF,and pray!if they do not work,then the serenity prayer comes in!you ask God to give you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change!! Then ask Him to release you from the pain you feel.i did that,and i am at peace.plus there are soo many babies out there who need homes,have you considered adoption? My thoughts.

    • Ava May 30, 2016 / 1:27 pm

      I’m 34 and I know PLENTY of guys who say they never want kids (my current boyfriend, for one–though that might change in the future depending on certain circumstances, but I do not currently feel ready anyway so I don’t worry about it). My ex had a vasectomy at age 29! Please don’t assume that “there’s no use in trying to get into another relationship because I know eventually the other person would want to leave if I can’t produce a child.” Maybe you are just living in an area where this is expected, and moving somewhere where people have more progressive mindsets might help? Please don’t take this on yourself, there are PLENTY of great men who would love to be with you even if you can never conceive. Your husband should not be treateing you this way.

    • Gary M. Levin May 30, 2016 / 4:37 pm

      You will be blessed in many ways, focus on those for now. A child will come to you if and when it is needed by forces outside of your control, and when least expected, not when you desire. There are others who will love you for you. Despite what science tellls us it is our creator who creates the life and science of children.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 5:06 pm

      Have you spoken to a therapist or mentor to help air out some of these feelings? You sound very much in pain. Sending hugs

    • MT May 30, 2016 / 5:14 pm

      there is more to life than producing baby… maybe you can provide/offer help to many unfortunate kids or children who are left behind .. there is so much things to do in life…. too little to list here….. you can even adopt…… ofcourse it becomes difficult for a women who does not have a job or good enough money/resources to lead independent life.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 5:59 pm

      Sis, Im so sorry for your pain. Please seek help before you get to the point of suicide again. Thats a very serious matter. If your husband leaves bc you have not gotten pregnant, he is doing you a favor. You need someone who knows a woman’s worth extends far beyond her ability to conceive. Also, maybe reach out to your best friends again. They may be able to offer you comfort. If they are true friends, I can guarantee they dont see you as a failure.

  202. Freya May 29, 2016 / 12:56 pm

    Another type of woman not mentioned is the one in her 30’s that doesn’t necessarily want children. And gets tired with everyone assuming that she has a deep yearning for them. And cries because she worries that there’s something wrong with her for not wanting them.

    • Claudia May 29, 2016 / 5:57 pm

      Thank you for posting that!

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 6:48 pm

      Yes!!!

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 7:05 pm

      So much, this. I’m glad someone said something about the 30 somethings who aren’t sure and also get many of the judgements listed above.

    • Vandana Sharma May 29, 2016 / 8:15 pm

      Amen, Sister, Amen! Love you for mentioning it.

    • Annabel Lee May 29, 2016 / 9:20 pm

      Thank you. I was looking for this.

      • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 4:33 am

        Me too!

      • Charl May 30, 2016 / 6:38 am

        Yes me too! I loved the article but almost wish it had one more paragraph.

      • Sheriann May 30, 2016 / 11:03 am

        Likewise. It’s still my womb, initentionally empty or not!

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 9:57 pm

      True

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 11:47 pm

      Yes!!! Thank you!

    • Michelle May 30, 2016 / 12:08 am

      Thank you. This post made me angry because I’m always told “You’ll change your mind.” As though I’ve been pretending to know what I want for the last 12 – 15 years.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 12:16 am

      Exactly! Thank you for highlighting.

      Its high time to also acknowledge this category of women who DO NOT want kids. And should not be judged for such a decision. There is absolutely NOTHING WRONG in not wanting to have kids just because as a rule of thumb that is what expected.

      My body my choice.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 4:49 am

      And that would be me. Thank you!!

    • thenonconformist2016 May 30, 2016 / 5:24 am

      Completely true. Why is it always assumed that a woman is DESPERATELY WANTING TO HAVE KIDS……because the society wants her to ? A lot of women are OK not being mothers. Why do they need a kid to feel great? They would cry …having to explain everyone …they DONT WANT A KID……they are FINE, thank you!!!! Keep your nose to yourself. Not everyone enjoys being a milch cow….and there is nothing wrong with that!

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 7:22 am

      Totally agree with Freya’s comment.

    • Alex Ko May 30, 2016 / 7:25 am

      Agree w Freya’s comment. Let’s respect that AND the women who don’t necessarily want to have children. There is a very deep ASSUMPTION that ALL women WANT children, on the basis of which this article is built.

    • Duchess May 30, 2016 / 7:25 am

      Then there’s the woman in her 30’s who would love to conceive and would give anything, but she hasn’t found Mr. Right. She has a great career, has her Financials in order, but having a child with just any man entering her life is not an option. She’s just waiting on the man who not just finds her worthy of asking, but she also find worthy of accepting. Then, God willing she can give life to another. Until then she’d love to be left alone about when she’s having children, because first must come the husband.

    • Sheri May 30, 2016 / 7:55 am

      Thank you! I’m in that category, but I’m 41. I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve never had the desire to be a mom. I have exactly what want… Marriage, education, career, and our dog…

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 8:43 am

      Precisely.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 9:07 am

      Yes, this is a perspective that is missing here! This is an eloquently written piece, and I was hoping to see that situation/choice depicted in the same powerful way as the others.

      Cries because no one writes about those who choose not to have children. Cries because no one seems to see that we cry too.

    • cvknapp May 30, 2016 / 9:08 am

      Yes, this is a perspective that is missing here! This is an eloquently written piece, and I was hoping to see that situation/choice depicted in the same powerful way as the others.

      Cries because no one writes about those who choose not to have children. Cries because no one seems to see that we cry too.

    • Brittany Coleman May 30, 2016 / 11:29 am

      I’ll be 31 this year. And while I would like to have to kids, it’s not really in the cards for me. For one, I’m being a responsible adult. I don’t have the money to support a child and I sure as heck don’t want to rely on the government to help me out. I also have a mental illness that I really would NOT like to pass down to my child or my child’s child. And to really hit the nail on the head…I’m happy WITHOUT having a child. I have freedom to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I don’t have to worry about getting up a zillion times a day to feed and care for a baby. I don’t have to listen to the crying, the whining, the stinky diapers, the messy rooms, the attitudes. Granted I really do like kids. I just don’t want them. I’m happy being the “auntie”. Because I can sugar your kids up and give them back to you later :).

    • em May 30, 2016 / 11:34 am

      Agree. I know several, and I hurt for them as they are criticized as “something is wrong with her.” As with all of us, personal and private choices mean for everyone else MYOB!!

    • Alex May 30, 2016 / 11:36 am

      Yes. I was waiting for a paragraph about this. The shame inflicted for choosing a childless life is sometimes unbearable.

    • Becky May 30, 2016 / 11:43 am

      Agreed. I love being a mother but I also completely respect women who know they don’t want children and choose not to have them. Nothing is wrong with you.

    • Claudia Reuther May 30, 2016 / 12:52 pm

      I am 57 now, I never wanted children and I chose not to have them. I do not regret my decision. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children. Too many women have them because they’re “supposed to”. They marry men they don’t really love to have children they don’t really want. It takes courage and strength to live out your convictions. You are courageous, fearless and strong. And when they say to you “Awwww, you never had children,how sad”. I tell them “don’t feel sorry for me, it was a choice!”

    • Stephanie May 30, 2016 / 1:11 pm

      That’s me! 38, successful and happily married for 20 years. I have no desire
      to have a child…my life feels complete
      as is! It’s shocking to see that it is women, not
      men who refuse to believe I can be happy and complete without a child.

    • Alicia May 30, 2016 / 1:34 pm

      Thank you! I wondered why this was not mentioned. I’m 33 years old, with no desire to have children. Sometime I feel like maybe I’m being selfish by not wanting children. My mother wants grandchildren, my boyfriend’s (who I’ve been with for over 4 years) mother wants grandchildren, but we just don’t want kids. I feel bad for not giving them grandchildren, but I just don’t want children of my own.

      People in the past have said to me, “Oh, when you find the right person and fall in love, you’ll change your mind.” Why? Why do I have to want kids? Why can’t I be happy with my life as it is? I have a great boyfriend whom I will marry someday, a good job, two cats, and I have money that I can pay off my debts with and buy extra things with occasionally. I like kids, and I like playing with other people’s kids, but then I can leave them there and go back to my life.

      Sorry, I think I was ranting a bit there. I don’t realize how frustrated I get about this sometimes.

    • K May 30, 2016 / 1:36 pm

      Exactly. Thank you!

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 2:01 pm

      Getting inundated with these post at the moment…nice to know we’re not alone and that nothing is wrong with us.

    • Andrea May 30, 2016 / 3:12 pm

      Yes, although I am in my 40’s I am in the same situation. Fortunately I have learned over the years that it is ok to NOT want children too. But it’s difficult in our society because people can’t imagine someone could feel this way. However My heart goes out to women everywhere who cannot have children and desperately want them, even if I don’t feel that way personally. At any rate, it is not ok for others to carelessly comment on anyone’s childlessness-regardless of the reason.

    • Amy May 30, 2016 / 3:44 pm

      I am that woman! I have two beautiful nieces who I love more than anything. I just myself no longer want children.

    • Annie May 30, 2016 / 4:07 pm

      Thanks for adding this, I was also looking for this woman. I am a 30 year old who still really doesn’t know and everyone loves to tell me ‘oh you’ll want them, and you better do it soon.’ What if I don’t want them? What if I DO but I don’t get clear on that until it’s too late?

    • Rachel Connor May 30, 2016 / 4:51 pm

      I am one of those women. Thank you for thinking of me and others like me. xx

    • Angela May 30, 2016 / 5:00 pm

      Yes, this.

    • tralala May 30, 2016 / 6:13 pm

      Also women who absolutely do not want to be pregnant/does not want to parent at all who have a partner they love who wants children/biological children.

      NOT having children is so infrequently talked about that many guts expect women to want to be pregnant and raise children

      My fiance luckily decided he would indeed prefer to not have kids, but he had never even thought about it before me, assuming all women would want to reproduce.

      • tralala May 30, 2016 / 6:17 pm

        *typo “guys”

        And for reference, I’m about to be 33 and have some feelings of dread about our wedding because I have heard so many negative stories of humiliating, invasive baby comments at weddings. Hoping that doesn’t happen to me, but I don’t think it’s realistic not to expect it.

  203. Rachael May 29, 2016 / 1:08 pm

    The comments to the women with many children are not always judgement. I’ve asked jokingly for a friend to slow down. Should I instead tell her how I really feel? That I struggle not to hate her and every other woman with 5+ kids? That I want that big family and watching hers grow so quickly breaks my heart? That my family criticizes me just for wanting a big family, adding to my heartbreak? That my husband and I tried for years before we were able to conceive this one, and it’s unlikely we will ever have that big family, so I’ve become a jealous and bitter woman? Should I tell her that I only laugh so she won’t know I genuinely wish she would slow down so my dream of a big family wouldn’t seem more and more hopeless every time she has another? I don’t mean to kill her joy but she is assisting in the killing of mine and I don’t know how to handle it.

    • Lily May 29, 2016 / 5:56 pm

      Believe it or not, you shouldn’t call yourself a friend to this woman. You should stay far away from her in a hole by yourself.

    • Wcherry May 29, 2016 / 7:41 pm

      does your friend deliberately flaunt her 5+ kids in front of you? If she does that knowing your pain, then maybe you should tell her. But please remember that her decision and ability to have more kids is her own, and she is not obligated to limit that number according to what makes YOU happy or hurt less.

      • Rachael May 30, 2016 / 9:14 pm

        I’m not entirely sure how aware she is. I’ve always been the friend others go to when they need to talk so maybe it just doesn’t cross her mind that I wouldn’t want to talk about her latest baby and sibling challenges. I have been supportive with my words, other than the one comment, which I didn’t realize would bother her.

    • Elle May 29, 2016 / 10:37 pm

      Or you could realize her reproductive choices have nothing to do with you and your comments are immature and inappropriate. You don’t get a say in how she grows her family or at what rate. If you can’t be genuinely happy for her because she is your friend, say nothing. You are not required to comment on her reproductive choices, aside from sincere congratulations, at all. That is the point of the article. Passive aggressive digs at others and imposing your feelings about reproduction and family planning is not cool.

    • Alice May 30, 2016 / 12:24 am

      No, you shouldn’t ‘joke’ or laugh or explain anything to her. Her life and blessings (and challenges) are hers, your life, blessings and challenges are yours. Her ‘slowing down’ doesn’t mean that you will have be able to have more children more quickly. You say you’re not judging – instead you seem to be blaming her; as if every child she has is taking one from you. It’s not. I have no children and time is running out. I’ve wanted them since I was 12, but I celebrated each time my best friend and others got pregnant and had theirs because spreading my lack and unhappiness around, especially on people who have no control over my situation, is unkind and unfair. I cry alone. I will share my sadness with friends if they ask, but I never make the mistake of behaving as if it’s their fault. I wish you luck in your hope for more children and more love and acceptance of other’s happiness.

    • allwyn May 30, 2016 / 1:30 am

      Hey rachel do you asking a horse to slow down cuz u can’t keep the pace with it…..you can’t ask that let ur frd hav as many dnt be jealous….you keep on trying diff option ur life is not same like her god has plan for you keep on praying and dnt lose hope in ur self….miracle happen to them who believe in and keep on trying without giving up……may god bless you with lots of babies….praise the lord

    • . May 30, 2016 / 5:57 am

      I cry because I didn’t think I was going to be able to get pregnant I had very irregular cycles and alot of other issues. I cried Happy tears because I found out I was pregnant and our little one was due right after my husband’s homecoming from deployment. I cry because the same night we choose a name I miscarried and couldn’t tell him till the next day. I cry every Christmas Eve the anniversary of a horrible day and in August another birthday we missed. I cry because I never saw an ultrasound or heard the heart beat. I cry because doctors kept saying I’m fine even though I couldn’t get pregnant again and wouldn’t run any test. I cried when a doctor finally listened and I was right, I had to take all kinds of medicine which made me crazy and sick. I cried Happy tears when I finally got pregnant again. I cried when they handed me my beautiful son. I cry because people ask how many do I have and I want to say two so badly but am tired of explaining. Tired of being asked when the next on is coming and responding with “one day, I have my hands full now”. I cry because this little boy takes all of my energy and yet I want more. I cry because I have to go back to college now so I can start a career and if I have more kids one day I won’t get to be the stay at home mom I want to be. I cry because I want a house full of kids by birth and adoption but it’s not in the budget and won’t fit in our apartment. I cry because I know my crying hurts my husband, he just wants me happy so I keep myself busy and watch this crazy kid grow and learn everyday.

    • Rebecca May 30, 2016 / 6:18 am

      Each time you see a woman with the blessings that you want and your mind begins to cringe and your heart tyrns sour, stop. Take a moment, look away and breath. Gather your thoughts. If you can’t manage a smile at least keep a straight face. Then be honest. “You are so blessed. I wish I was able to have a large family.” Then you have spoken truth, relieved a bit of frustration and validated both of you as women in a complex messy world.

      • Rachael May 30, 2016 / 9:16 pm

        Thank you for that.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 6:51 am

      how selfish. you cannot tell someone to be not happy so that you can be happy! you can’t base your happiness on someone else not growing their family when they want to.

    • Katie May 30, 2016 / 7:27 am

      I think you should, a good friend will understand where you’re coming from. I have 5 children and can totally identify with the ‘cries because…’ comments. I felt so judged (from family not just friends and strangers!) I suppressed my joy with the 5th and actually hoped she would miscarry I was so ashamed people would think we were breeding like rabbits… something for which I still feel guilt and she is now 8 and a beautiful funny little girl. I think a bit of honesty from my friends would have given me a different perspective on what their comments actually meant to them, does that make sense? My heart breaks for you and your situation and I hope you find the joy of a big family one day. But if you are only ever blessed with the one you have Rachael, I also hope you find joy in lavishing all your love on that beautiful life – something I sometimes wish I could but with 5 never have the time to do. xx Katie

      • Rachael May 30, 2016 / 9:08 pm

        I want to thank you for responding with advice instead of the same judgement some of these commentors seem to forget they ask others not to pass on them.

    • Ash May 30, 2016 / 7:30 am

      Yes. What kind of a friend are you then if you can’t appreciate and celebrate with her and instead are criticizing her good fortune. You are causing your own pain and not her. Apologize and congratulate on her good fortune. You already know that it is hard to realize such a dream. You should congratulate her on being able to do that. Go be a great aunt. Maybe you will find strength to stand up to your family from that, is you tell her how you truly feel.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 7:44 am

      Yes, tell your friend the truth! Gently. Joking won’t bring you closer. Maybe a real conversation will

      • Rachael May 30, 2016 / 9:19 pm

        Thank you for a rational response. I appreciate all the advice from you and others who were being helpful.

    • Keldemi May 30, 2016 / 10:38 am

      So you keep your mouth closed.

    • Sara May 30, 2016 / 11:10 am

      How is she assisting to killing your dream? She’s living her life how she wishes, not to upset you… We all go through our own struggles. We can’t hold other people’s happiness against or own.

    • Stella May 30, 2016 / 11:27 am

      It sounds like you’ve had/are having a rough time, and I completely sympathize. Does that mean you get to dump your bitterness onto someone else though? And a friend, no less? You can share with her your true feelings (I’m sure she would sympathize as well, as long as you’re not blaming her while you share) but you have no right to take away from her joy with comments that carry the weight of your personal heart break and jealousy issues. If you can’t keep your joy-removing comments to yourself because you don’t know how to handle it, you might benefit from speaking to a professional. You are 100% accountable for your actions and comments. It is not your friend’s fault that she is seemingly “assisting in killing your joy” by being joyful herself.

    • Lindsay May 30, 2016 / 2:00 pm

      I guess the problem is she (I) didn’t do that to kill your joy. Her joy has nothing to do with her. HER slowing down won’t fix things for you. There’s sorrow, and I’m so sorry that life hasn’t produced for you (yet) what you so desire, and I will pray for your peace and the fulfillment of those desires. But I can’t (won’t) change my life choices because it might make someone else feel badly.

    • Bonita May 30, 2016 / 2:49 pm

      She in unintentionally “killing” your joy but you are intentionally killing hers. If you are close friends, talk to each other in a real way instead of telling her to slow down. If you had the large family you wanted you would be hurt by those telling you that you shouldn’t have those children. Be kind to her, and even though you are hurting, do not project your hate on someone else who has a large family. They certainly don’t deserve it, either.

    • megganb1983 May 30, 2016 / 3:04 pm

      She knows. As someone with 5 children and another on the way, it’s breaks my heart every time I have to tell one of my friends who suffer from infertility, knowing that is something that can cause so much pain. I feel selfish for having children when so many others desire it so much. I know that they would be wonderful mothers. I know that they deserve children just as much as I do, if not more so. I no longer tell people when I am pregnant, because I don’t want to rub it in the faces of the people who are trying, and I don’t want to get the judgmental comments from the people who think I already have enough. I can’t understand the pain of infertility, but I wish I could celebrate each baby without feeling I have to hide it. I’m sorry that you desire a big family, and that it hasn’t worked out for you. I wish it was something that there could be more equity in.

      • Rachael May 30, 2016 / 9:29 pm

        Thank you for your point of view. If I can offer you mine, you don’t have to keep it a secret. If you know someone who’s suffering from infertility, one thing some friends have done in the past is tell me privately just before announcing it. They just somehow knew it would be helpful to be alone to process it, and wanted me to be able to unfollow them before the Facebook feed blew up baby. I appreciated it. It does make it easier to be happy for someone who you know still thinks of you as much as you think of them.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 5:09 pm

      One thing that did bother me about this article….. Its called Mind your own womb yet there is a statement : Cries because her best friend won’t become a surrogate” The writer should take her own advice. There a dozen reasons why someone wouldnt be a surrogate.It is not up to the writer to pass judgement on her best friend like t his.

      • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 5:46 pm

        No judgment. Being a surrogate is a huge step. I dont even know that I would do that. its just expressing her sadness, bc for that woman, she felt like her friend was her only hope. Hope that makes sense. Thanks for commenting.

  204. tessadoghor May 29, 2016 / 1:33 pm

    For the woman who has none, ” there shall be none barren in the land.

    Same thing for the woman who has one.

    For the woman with five “In all things, give thanks for this is God’s will concerning you.

    • Love bug May 29, 2016 / 8:58 pm

      Amen!

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 6:45 am

      Thx for yo encouragement

      • tessadoghor May 31, 2016 / 4:26 am

        You are welcome

        Keep standing. The crowd of witnesses (Hebrews 12) are cheering you on, as I am.

        You will see the testimony of your expectation.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 5:57 pm

      Tessadoghor I’m sure you mean well and I hope you take this with the well-meaning intent with which it is share. Your comments are the very type that wound. I am a pastor’s wife and a woman of God’s Word. When you take a quote like “there shall be none barren in the land” out of context and say it to a barren woman, you rub salt in the wound.

      • tessadoghor May 31, 2016 / 4:24 am

        There is no barren woman in God’s eyes. No matter what her physical body is saying.

        Sarah’s body said so many bad things she laughed in doubt when God told her she would have a child this time next year.

        I have suffered much so believe me when I say I have no intention to wound.

        Walking by faith is for the tough, that is what those expecting children by faith ought to do. I’m not a Pastor but I have been surrounded by pastors my entire Christian life.

        Cheers

  205. Andile May 29, 2016 / 1:53 pm

    She cries because she was raped while an infant and the doctors removed her damaged womb. She cries because she is living with HIV and was told that her immune system would be compromised and might die. She cries because she had a child in her teenage years but after getting married she is unable and her husband has decided to sleep around to get children. She cries because all her children have different surnames and she is called a prostitute and her children are called crayons.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 6:06 am

      You didn’t deserve this. I am so sorry it had to happen to you….

    • Nicole May 30, 2016 / 7:45 am

      Ooh my gosh lady. My heart goes out to you. You are so strong. I know it sucks to have to be strong all the time, but you could help so many woman in this situation. You are not alone and you a worthy. Hugs.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 9:01 am

      Jesus. What the actual hell?

    • Dorett Duncan Browne May 30, 2016 / 4:41 pm

      Just never thought of this group! Ouch!!!! Lord help us women!

  206. Kimmy :) May 29, 2016 / 2:12 pm

    This is very powerful and well written, and shows that there are many reasons that women have/don’t have children. I would have liked to see the childless by choice women listed, too. I am childless by choice and have dealt with many comments and questions over the years about my choice. I agree with you that we should all respect the choice of the individual. I also think many questions or comments are simply curiosity, not people trying to be mean or pushy. There are also people out there who intend to be hurtful, but we cannot control others and their opinions. The best we can do is treat each other with respect and kindness. Great article.

    • Alex May 30, 2016 / 11:39 am

      Agree. I was also looking for the childless by choice. There is judgment for us as well

  207. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 2:34 pm

    I can relate to every woman in this article. I’m 47 now, my son is 7 and still get asked why I never had more than 1. Believe me, I would have if it was at all possible!! I share my story of infertility as much as possible with others. This has helped me deal with the pain I still feel inside.

    • FATruca May 29, 2016 / 9:46 pm

      You’re good mama. Like the article explains, you deserve to feel and to not have to explain. You don’t owe anyone anything. I offered to surrogate for my gf that had to have an ovary removed. I have 2 children because enclose to and I am done because I choose to be. We all deserve to choose our path and should be more sympathetic to each other and the choices that we make and those that are made for us.

      Keep up the good momming… you don’t owe anyone anything and if you and your son are happy, that is all that matters ♡

  208. Frederick May 29, 2016 / 2:43 pm

    I’m a guy, so I know that I cannot fully fathom the range of emotions that women experience with regard to procreation. But I thoroughly enjoyed the article.

    My wife and I planned to be married for two years (to get to know each other first) before beginning our family of 2.5 perfect children. I remember being dogged by a male friend at church that we hadn’t already started a family (He and his wife had chosen to or quite by accident had their first within a year of being married). “We’re waiting for the right time”, I explained to him. “If you wait for the right time, you’ll never have children”, he replied. As it turned out, the last time he harassed me, I’d just gotten laid off, so he backed off after that, when I shared that deliberately having a child with no job wasn’t the brightest thing to do.

    Four months later, I was back at work and we began to try for that first child. Two years and several miscarriages later, our daughter was born. My wife spent 23 days hospitalized before her birth being treated for toxemia, gestational diabetes, and eventually pre-eclampsia. Labor was induced a week early to save my wife and daughter’s lives.

    We wanted two year spacing, so we started trying for child number two about a year and a half later. Two miscarriages later, my wife’s ob-gyn advised that she had endometriosis to such a level of severity that we should be thankful for the one child, and that it was highly unlikely that we’d have any more. Our plans for 2.5 children were dashed, or so it seemed.

    We got on with life, enjoying the one, making a few career moves, then decided — together — to adopt. We went through the adopt-foster parenting classes in Georgia (where we lived at the time) and almost ten years from the birth of our first daughter, we brought our brand new baby girl home from the hospital on her third day of life. It took nearly two and a half years before the adoption was finalized, but we called her by her new name from day one (the state had its own name before that). While we were waiting for her to be born, we had the opportunity to provide foster care to five different sibling groups (a total of 13 children) plus took permanent custody of a nephew who’s parents had both died when he was two.

    We had our 2.5 children plus some!

    When our adopted daughter was just under five years old, I got a call from my wife, urging me to leave work and meet her for lunch. She had something important to discuss. I met her and she said she was pregnant, nearly fifteen years after her first and only childbirth. We both encountered this news with mixed emotions, as we knew her risks with carrying full term, and now we were both much older, which brings its own set of risks. Of course there was also the expense of childbirth and a new baby. (At the time, we had our two daughters, our nephew and a foster sibling group of three in the household.)

    The early part of the pregnancy went remarkably well, then one day my wife noticed that our unborn child, who had previously been very active, stopped kicking. A trip to the hospital and doctors determined that the baby was at risk and ordered a C-section for the very next day. Since it was two months prior to her due date, I was away with the other six children at a Christian camp, when she was examined by her doctor, but I made arrangements at camp and quickly drove the 110 miles home to be with her. Our seventh child was born seven weeks early on the seventh day of the seventh month.

    He weighed less than two and a half pounds and he had to stay in the NICU for 23 days. He had a few problems early on, but is mostly a healthy hearty young man (he’ll be eighteen in July). He is a joy for us both. The daughters are grown and gone; the nephew is grown and gone; the foster children are gone and grown; our little midlife surprise is still around, keeping us “young” for at least a couple more years.

    From a woman’s perspective, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for people to constantly question whether, or when, or how many children you have or should/shouldn’t. Because there is zero possibility of a new life growing within me, I cannot be expected to have the same emotional attachment to this line of questioning that my wife, or any other woman would have to procreational questioning. Not to mention that we guys enjoy the “luxury” of being able to tell people off and no one think its the end of the world (or even a friendship). Women have social norms that they typically conform to that preclude them being “rude” in the face of such intrusions into their personal lives.

    So thanks for sharing what means a lot to your women readers, but wasn’t lost on me as a man either.

    • PerSpiritusEtVenia May 29, 2016 / 6:04 pm

      Reading this has restored my faith in humanity for today. Thank you for taking the time to be considerate of what woman go through and know that you can be supportive but never really know what the emotions and feelings are. Thank you more men need to be like you.

    • Trish May 29, 2016 / 8:20 pm

      Thank you for sharing your story. I love it. Blessings to your beautiful family. ❤️

    • Sara May 30, 2016 / 12:25 am

      What a fantastic story you have, thank you for sharing and may God continue to bless you.

    • Stephanie May 30, 2016 / 1:14 am

      What an incredible and beautiful story. I love hearing a mans perspective on this subject. I love the fact that most of the men I’m aquainted with are very sensitive towards women in regards to this subject and would never share express their opinion about it the way women do to other women.
      I myself.placed a baby girl for adoption when I was 17. It was tbe silent heartache of my life for 18 years. I met my husband and got married just after I turned 21 and we had 4 more daughters and a son. We’ve been married now for 26 years, all but two of our children are grown.
      One month after her 18th birghday, the daughter I had given up found me. That was 12 years ago. She now has a son of her own. We stay in very close contact. With each other.
      One thing I learned from that experience is that we don’t own our children. They grow up quickly and become individuals with full lives and purposes all their own, but I would not be the same person I am had that beautiful girl not passed through my life, however briefly, on her way home to the parents who gave her everything I could not. After all is said and done it is to her that we as her parents owe a debt of gratitude. She graced each of our lives in such different ways and changed us all forever

    • littlebugfun May 30, 2016 / 1:16 am

      Your story is amazing and inspiring! It could be a movie that I’d watch again and again. Thanks for sharing and being such a wonderful father and husband.

    • Shirley May 30, 2016 / 1:21 am

      You must really have a big heart and I admire you for that. Lol @ midlife surprise. I love how you supported your wife through it all. God bless you.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 2:47 am

      God bless you.

    • Annie Yeo May 30, 2016 / 3:44 am

      You have a beautiful story to share to the world. Children are God’s gifts to you. Enjoy them.

    • Gabrielle May 30, 2016 / 3:47 am

      Thanks for sharing from a man’s perspective!

    • tulika May 30, 2016 / 5:26 am

      This was one of the best comments to this article. Thanks for understanding.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 6:53 am

      That’s a beautiful story. I’m really happy for you both!

    • Aziza AkhTar Rayah May 30, 2016 / 7:30 am

      Dear Sir, salute to you for possessing such dignified and healthy perception. I’ve seen most men /husbands to be highly reluctant, ignorant and not respecting women in their lives; which is so sad! Your wife must be so lucky to have u. I encountered one miscarriage &was shattered . She must be a super woman 😊 my salute and regards to her 😊 love!!

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 9:03 am

      This is beautiful. God bless you for your selflessness!

    • Fally May 30, 2016 / 9:17 am

      Such a touching story 🙂

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 9:53 am

      Beautiful story!

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 11:09 am

      Your story touched me deeply. God bless you and your family.

    • kaysee May 30, 2016 / 11:30 am

      Thanks for sharing your story. Sure brought tears to my eyes. I am glad that He has helped you and your wife through all these circumstamces, and just being patient. Thanks again.

    • Deedee hanc May 30, 2016 / 3:47 pm

      Thank you for sharing and thank you for your support.

    • Gary M. Levin May 30, 2016 / 4:42 pm

      As a mature man with five children, I now know that we truly do not control events. As a man I know I truly will never know what a woman feels. (it;s that extra X chromsome) that holds the mystery of ‘female”

    • Tali May 30, 2016 / 5:11 pm

      Amazing story…..faith moves mountains !

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 8:27 pm

      Frederick, these comments have gotten so long that I had to stop reading them one by one, But I had to come look yours up bc people kept mentioning it. So glad I read it. Beautiful story!

  209. anonymous May 29, 2016 / 2:59 pm

    I have a miracle son after being diagnosed with Vaginismus, a condition that’s apparently quite common among women (muscle spasm that resists penetration), but rarely talked about. It was very frustrating, I shed a few years along the way. I’m thankful for a supportive husband, we got me checked out right after coming back from our honeymoon. I was on a waiting list for over a year, but finally was seen by a therapist who led me through physical training to overcome Vaginismus. It took 9 months or so before penetration was possible and we conceived very soon after that. My husband had always wanted a big family but after the birth I could see why some mothers never want to go through childbirth again (and my pregnancy and childbirth were very smooth!) Now that the memories of the pain are subsiding (2 months on), I’m more open to the idea of giving our son at least one sibling, but everything is in the Lord’s hands.

  210. torthúil May 29, 2016 / 3:21 pm

    Here from Mel’s roundup. I’m sure many can identify with what you wrote, and I can identify with parts of it too, although I’m lucky in that myself and my family are treated with respect most of the time. I wish that we could simply value all children, and value those children as people once they grow up, and treat them and their inevitable complexities with respect. Too simple?

  211. David May 29, 2016 / 3:25 pm

    Reblogged this on Beyond the Norm and commented:
    I never have related to something so deep as this in a minute, too often we mind other people’s businesses rather than ours, hurting and cutting them deep with our so called “concern”.

  212. Mandy May 29, 2016 / 4:17 pm

    I can relate in a different way….

    I cried when my mother said ” I figured you would have been married and pregnant at 18″. I chose education and a career over marriage and children, but that doesn’t stop the questions. Strangers don’t know your story, so it is just general conversation. However family and friends who push, you should adopt, you need to get married, you need to have kids….

    I am sorry I don’t NEED to do anything. At 23 I found out I had PCOS and my doctor told me that because I was single, not married etc, he wouldn’t treat me and most likely I would never have children anyhow.

    I gave up hope of children which meant giving up hope of marriage because who would want a woman who can’t have kids. Now at 38, I may not have kids in the proverbial sense, but I have 2 four legged kids who helped me to see that other peoples opinions are just that their opinions.

    Whatever God’s plan is for me, I accept it.

    • chavacooper May 30, 2016 / 1:24 am

      i cannot believe your doctor would say that, i have PCOS and no doctor has ever told me that there is no hope. i hate reading about women with PCOS that believe they can’t have children, it makes me sad because i know many that do, i myself had a very hard time conceiving the first, including artificial insemination, but the second was much easier and the third was a complete natural surprise! i now need to use birth control to not have them! and i know others too. my SIL had 2 kids, then 10 years no kids, then bam- twins, a girl and another girl in a few years. my other SIL had twins with IVF, then another girl with IVF and then 2 kids naturally. they both did ovarian drilling, one came from the US to israel to do it. our doctor (we all used the same one) decided that i don’t need it and i guess she was right.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 5:43 am

      PCOS is treatable and managable. if you want children, go after treatmment

  213. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:23 pm

    Cries because her high school students innocently ask when she is going to have children

    Cries because her boyfriend has a beautiful little girl with an ex who refuses to co-parent

    Cries because her boyfriend has to dip into his 401K to pay the legal fees so he can consistently be in his daughters life while his ex doesn’t work, lives with her parents, and does not go to college

    Cries because she loves her class full of high school “babies” who call her Mama

    Cries because despite the amazing feeling of pride she beams with when her students succeed; despite the fist pumps and hugs from students she longs for more

    Cries because she can’t understand how her boyfriends ex cannot understand how much kids need their Dads in their lives (if only she knew what it was like to read essay after essay from students who just wish they had a Dad who would drive 30 minutes to a football game) while her daughter has a Dad who pays child support without an order every month, gets off a 24 hour shift at the fire department to drive 7 hours one way to see his daughter for 4 hours

    Cries because of the tension and stress in her relationship

    Cries for the love she has for her nephews and her boyfriends nieces/nephew

    Cries because her dreams all seem so far away and out of reach

  214. Jessica May 29, 2016 / 4:30 pm

    she cries because she has to take birth control to control the symptoms of PCOS and Endometriouses. Cries because she wants so bad to be a mom and not just an Aunt. Cries because she has health problems that will make her high risk. Cries because her and her husband have been married going on 8 years and still no bundle of joy. Cries because she knows the only thing preventing pregnancy is knowing if she goes off birthcontrol pills she will be in sever pain. Cries because her husband refuses to get tested saying “He doesn’t want to go in a cup to see if he also has issues with preventing pregnancy. Cries because her older sister and younger brother have been blessed with children. Cries because she can’t afford ivf. cries because she has to choose not having pain from PCOS to being childless for the rest of her life.

    • Ashley May 30, 2016 / 6:38 am

      Same here Jessica, having pcos sucks. Ive been married for 7 yrs with no children yet. I had one miscarriage in 2009. I did go to a reproductive endo, but my husband refused to do his simple part. So I feel your pain and it makes you feel like your broken inside. What I’m doing now is saying everything happens for a reason and God will know when it is the right time for me. Im trying to stay positive about the outlook on things. Moving forward without constantly stressing/thinking of what if. If you need a Cyster let me know im here to listen and chat anytime.

  215. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 4:33 pm

    Thank you for writing this article. I am 30 trying to conceive for 4 years with multiple failed in vitros. I feel all the things you mentioned and more! It’s really difficult especially when none of your friends or family can relate. It’s nice to see someone who understands!

  216. Ella May 29, 2016 / 4:38 pm

    Thank you for this… I wish people weren’t so insensitive about comments relating to pregnancy choices and struggles…
    We’ve struggled with 3 miscarriages and after genetic counseling have found that due to translocation on my husband’s side, we can continue to keep trying and miscarrying until we eventually ‘succeed’ but invitro is the only ‘guarantee’ – But with a success rate of some oddly low number considering how intensive it is (maybe 50%? I don’t know – the actual figures are rarely published), and a girlfriend who has tried and failed – I am less than hopeful of even that (plus I don’t know how I feel about IVF because I worry it’s like ‘playing God’)
    I am so tired of the ‘Kids’ question and now just give a cold ‘NO’… But we’re surviving and living and we have an amazing relationship that is stronger than ever after our 6 years together… One day hopefully and God willing, we will be blessed with a child… But until then, we endure and live life as fully as we can…

    • B&M May 30, 2016 / 1:01 am

      I would like to suggest to learn about open adoption, our son is 17 now . He came home at 2 years 9 months. God’s anser to our prayers, I relate to all the posts. We need to build each other up, I was never bitter but a bit resentful when people around me were pushy.

  217. Maya Kennard May 29, 2016 / 4:44 pm

    “Wind For The Childless Woman” – © 2016 Maya K. Kennard – All rights reserved.

    A word of perspective and encouragement for the woman who has no living children born of her.

  218. MsShona May 29, 2016 / 4:54 pm

    Wonderful writing! I was 27 years old when I old Jewish bubbe at my synagogue advised me that I should hurry up and get married and start having kids…the clock was ticking! Of course the advise was ridiculous. I still had my sights on graduate school and had not settled down into my career…much less found a stable romantic relationship. It was not on my radar at all. I had been pregnant in the past…as a sophomore in college. I terminated it. A decision that was the right one…that I have no doubts about.

    I was 32 when I met my current boyfriend. We were together for a year and decided that if I got pregnant, then we were ready. Well after 14 months…nothing. I went to the doctor but after ultrasounds, bloodwork, and MRIs…no problems were found. Just when I was starting to work with a new doctor, I fell pregnant. Exciting! But it all came crashing down when I was 15 weeks along and my water broke. All the doctors advised that it was a fluke. 7 months later I conceived again. I was referred to a high-risk perinatal group. However by the time I had my first appointment, the prognosis for the pregnancy looked bleak. I lost that baby at 18 weeks.

    A year and a half later, I conceived again…and I’m currently 17 weeks. This time I have a diagnosis and started seeing a specialist much earlier. So this pregnancy is going much better. But here I am, 36…and will 37 when the baby is born. Ironically what I’ve heard mostly from people is that I should NOT try to have children. That it’s just not meant to be or to think about my health or to wait until my boyfriend is on more stable footing financially and we can get married. What they fail to understand that conceiving a child is not like getting a haircut. Some of us cannot decide the particulars or when and how we want to do it.

    I would never, ever even fathom commenting on any other woman’s reproductive choices; not even those of my mother or sisters. Conception, birth and childrearing are all highly personal and it’s incredibly rude to offer your advice or opinion unless you have a direct involvement in it!

  219. Maya Kennard May 29, 2016 / 4:56 pm

    “Wind For The Childless Woman” – © 2016 Maya K. Kennard – All rights reserved.

    I’ve come to speak life to my sisters who
    Never had a living child to open their womb
    Those who know what it’s like to be grieved
    That you were never able to conceive
    Those whose hopes and dreams were shattered
    When that fetal heartbeat failed to go “pitter-patter”
    Those who carried to nearly full-term
    And had to labor in vain to deliver a stillbirth
    Those whose equipment functioned just fine
    But by your (or others’) choices (for you) you ran out of time
    Even those women who gave to a child all your heart, privilege, and benefit
    Yet that access was disrupted ’cause you’re not on their birth certificate
    To those who ford along despite empty arms
    Let me warm your hearts with this cinder
    Allow me to affect your perspective on the
    Circumstances that seemed to hinder:
    Imagine an ancestor born of two hearts in love
    Imagine a molester stealing what he should know nothing of
    Imagine the slave girl under duress for “that time”
    Imagine a female who set a man up to survive
    Imagine the teen mother sent off to give birth away
    Imagine the change-of-life shock for a woman of a certain age…
    No matter whether your birth story is capped with a star
    Or whether your origin narrative carries a scar
    GOD intimately knows who you are
    And He knew you before you were formed in whatever womb
    And what if it’s not that your lineage
    Is discontinuing…
    But what if it’s finished?
    What if the purpose of your every foremother
    –Whether the conditions of her pregnancy
    Were savory or she suffered–
    Was all to yoke “here”…and “now”…with YOU?

    written: Mother’s Day, 2015

    © 2016 Maya K. Kennard
    All rights reserved.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 9:30 pm

      Thank You. Your poem offers so much wisdom and healing. A beautiful work.

  220. maliberté May 29, 2016 / 5:04 pm

    Reblogged this on longchemin and commented:
    Ayayyaya deep 🙌😍😍
    Respect to all those women🙌

  221. Pat Aho May 29, 2016 / 5:07 pm

    I have 5 children, one of whom died at age 8 and one that miscarried. I have a sister who married, never conceived and adopted. A sister who never married and adopted. I have one sister who had 6 years of infertility and has eleven children including her firstborn who died at age 2 and one stillborn. My three other sisters have 22 children between them. This thread keeps saying we all have a story. When someone comments or asks a question about your womb, tell the your story. Yes, they may be nosy or rude. Yes, telling or retelling your story for the umteenth may be painful but story telling is healing. I am a trained grief facilitator. I listen to people share their stories and watch healing happen.Truth and honesty will further the cause of our wombs much more than smiling in public and crying in the darkness. Yes, tell your story.

    • layak May 29, 2016 / 11:13 pm

      Thank you pat. Im all for that

    • Riri May 30, 2016 / 9:46 am

      I love that you have another angle to it. I always tell my story. It’s therapeutic for me. I mind my womb by sharing it with others.

    • Dorett Duncan Browne May 30, 2016 / 4:59 pm

      I like your advice Pat! Many times people mean no harm but just dies not know any better! Telling your story will certainly wake them up to how ‘ the other people live’ often we have no clue!

  222. Darcy May 29, 2016 / 5:07 pm

    Somewhere there is a 22 year old who wants many children. “You better get started now, then!” they say, with a chuckle. She chuckles too, forced because she sees no humor in it. Then she goes home and cries.
    Cries because she’s tried for a baby for three years. Cries because she has constant physical pain. Cries because she isn’t getting pregnant. Cries because a planned adoption failed. Cries because her husband doesn’t understand and doesn’t know how to help. Cries because she feels like God has left her. Cries because the surgery she had is a reminder that her body was failing her. Cries because a relative didn’t want to have another baby but was pregnant unexpectedly. Cries because she feels like a failure for not giving her husband a family. Cries because at 22 you shouldn’t have fertility problems. Cries because she knows that fertility dwindles with age. Cries because she feels like nothing but her own child will take the pain away.

  223. Elvira May 29, 2016 / 5:11 pm

    People still ask me “Did you not want children, then?” as though the greatest grief of my life was just a subject for chat to pass the time.
    Or they hastily say “Oh, lucky you!” or “Sometimes I envy people like you” when you say “No, no kids” – when they’ve been going on about how wonderful their kids are and how they wouldn’t be without them.
    And they share and share and share all those Facebook memes that say “Share this if you have a daughter who makes life worth living” or “Share this if your grandchildren are your world”. They even wish me “Happy Mothers’ Day”.
    When people talk to me of children or grandchildren who’ve died I think “Yes, but you’ve got memories, and a grave to visit” and sometimes “You believe you’ll meet again”; I feel as if I’ve survived a car crash that killed my family and left me with no memories of them, just a feeling that there are people missing from my life who ought to be there.
    And you CAN’T SAY ANYTHING. It’s a taboo subject. You’ll be labelled a sad and bitter old woman.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 9:24 pm

      I too feel this pain–always dreaming of children as the greatest part of life and never having them. It does seem that everyone else is so busy enjoying their own children and grandchildren–how could they know how hard it is to always watch and be so happy for everyone else.

  224. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 5:15 pm

    Conception is not the only way to beome a parent, if people would open their hearts to adoption, unless they are looking for pregnancy and not parenthood.

    • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:22 pm

      Yep. Pregnancy is not the only option.

      • Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 7:03 pm

        Yes but not everyone can adopt either.

    • Jess May 29, 2016 / 11:30 pm

      Well in this case these women are talking about the natural desire for child bearing. I mean, what you’re saying is pretty obvious. But when you come from a culture that shuns upon adoption and people will remind you daily that your adopted children are not yours anyway.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 11:52 am

      But we do open our hearts to adoption! Do you know how expensive and difficult it is to adopt?

      …cries because people say, “why don’t you just adopt?” As if we didn’t get think of that! 😔 Sorry my bitterness is showing…

    • rcrc May 30, 2016 / 11:54 am

      But we do open our hearts to adoption! Do you know how expensive and difficult it is to adopt?

      …cries because people say, “why don’t you just adopt?” As if we didn’t get think of that! 😔 Sorry my bitterness is showing…

    • Marissa Fortin May 30, 2016 / 12:29 pm

      This is just as cruel and rude as the comments mentioned in the article. Anyone who knows the slightest thing about adoption knows that it is just as fraught with pain and heartbreak and expense as any other aspect of infertility. Mind your own womb, indeed.

    • Forever Alone May 30, 2016 / 1:19 pm

      With domestic adoption being upwards of $10,000, and foreign adoption more so, it’s out of reach for many.

  225. bibi May 29, 2016 / 5:15 pm

    I will be 30 next month. Just got married in Nov last year. From day one of marriage, people kept asking “has it entered?” How could i explain that hubby wanted us to wait at least 6months before thinking of conceiving while i wanted my baby(babies) as soon as possible? Found out in february that i was pregnant, hubby didn’t process the information well. I was torn between been excited and sad that i couldn’t share my joy with my hubby. Though hubby later apologised and says he is looking forward to being a father, i still can’t shake off the fear that “i am on my own in this journey”. Being having series of pregnancy-related illnesses, and each time i have to battle one i keep thinking ” this is happening because i was not in consonance with my hubby. Sometimes, i can’t even tell him when am in pains cause i interpret his countenance and reactions as “it was you who decided to rush into pregnancy”.

    Inspite and despite all my conflicting feelings, i look forward to holding my own baby soonest in october and i know i will.

    • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 5:21 pm

      Thanks for sharing! That sounds hard to be so happy yet so disconnected from your partner on this matter. Perhaps when he SEES that little version of him looking back, perhaps when he holds and feels that little heartbeat that matches his own, he’ll find a deep daddy love that will never leave him.

      • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 4:06 am

        Thank you Nadirah.

  226. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 6:01 pm

    I wish they’d included the child free people who are happy to be so but get treated with scorn by those who need to keep their opinions to themselves and realize kids aren’t for everyone.

  227. Cindy May 29, 2016 / 6:12 pm

    Nadira, I absolutely loved reading this post. But I do have to say, I did feel a bit “left out”; as I am the single 40+ woman who has never had a child, yet always wanted to. And I cry because I will never get to. While I understand you could not tell every woman’s story, including someone like me would have been nice to read. The only women sharing your blog and post are those who are already mothers. It seems almost silly for me to share it, since most mothers would question why I did. I mean, I’m not married, I’ve never had a child, how could I possibly relate to these women and their tears, right? We single 40-somethings have tears to cry too, for the children we wanted that will never be. If your story to tell was truly about women, not mothers, then the childless woman should have been included. Just my opinion though.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 8:21 pm

      Sorry you feel left out. Not my intention. The first woman is childless. Thanks for commenting.

  228. cjbowerauthor May 29, 2016 / 6:52 pm

    My cycle had always been irregular because of my weight issues (don’t judge … I’m happier and healthier at 250 than I was at 90). I could go months and months without having any period symptoms at all.

    A year before we got married I got pregnant. Because it was my first, I didn’t know the signs or symptoms to look out for. About 3 months later (I was about 13 weeks along) a huge cramp tears through my abdomen and I start bleeding. I think I’m finally getting my period after about six months of no symptoms. I get to the bathroom, and when I”m done I see something in the bloody toilet water.

    My fiance rushes me to the emergency room, and I learn that I had a ruptured uterus, which resulted in a miscarriage. I had two options. 1: Go through the rest of my life with crippling period pain/PMDD (not to mention living with the painful reminder of infertility), or 2: hysterectomy. At age 23 I opted for a hysterectomy. I also told my husband that if we went through with the wedding he would be giving up his chance of having children, and I gave him the option to call off the wedding. He married me anyway. And 12 1/2 years later, we’re still going strong.

    At 37 I still get asked if I have children. Without going into my personal history, I smile sadly and say, “Unfortunately children weren’t in the cards for me.” It took me a long time to make peace with it, but now I’m okay.

    I didn’t realize just how much of a sore spot it was, until I found myself penning my first novel, On Track with Icing. I ended up giving my heroine, Jacqui Jacobson, the same medical history as mine as a way of coping. Like Jacqui, I had a strong support group around me to help me heal. Putting the words to the page was a way of purging those emotions.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 8:15 pm

      I love your story. Thanks for sharing. And hi-five your husband for being awesome!

  229. susania May 29, 2016 / 7:02 pm

    Somewhere there is another woman, 47 years old, no children. No husband. And nobody asks her anything anymore.

  230. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 7:02 pm

    I agree with this completely. I have been married for 18 years and have no kids. I found out I had ovarian cancer when I was 23. Miscarried 3 times and eventually had everything removed cause it came back. I’m sick of people and there comments. Breaks my heart every time.

  231. Anonymous May 29, 2016 / 7:05 pm

    Wonderful words from Frederick as well as the article i had my first at 19 who passed at 3 days old from a severe heart condition then after the grief and the torment of being called a murderer, yes i was blamed for a heart condition i went on to have 4 more i am now 30 and want a little princess but i refuse due to the judgment of others i would do anything to help my loved ones have children if they couldnt themselves

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 7:55 pm

      you sound like a very giving person! thanks for commenting.

  232. Waitingwithjoy May 29, 2016 / 7:06 pm

    I loved the article! I just turned 30 and am still looking forward to one day getting married and having children. I don’t get the questions that childless couples get, but sometimes I hear “you better hurry up if you want that big family”… Which I do! My prayer is that I will conceive quickly after my Prince Charming and I get married. I also dream of fostering and adopting, not as a back-up plan, but because I am passionate about giving love and a family to children in care. I would absolutely love to have biological, adopted, and foster children but only God knows exactly what His plans and timing look like for my future family. I trust Him completely even though sometimes it’s hard.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 7:53 pm

      What a wonderful outlook! Thanks for commenting.

  233. EVONNE May 29, 2016 / 7:24 pm

    A woman who has 4 beautiful and we’ll rounded nieces and a handsome nephew. Who has been their #1 fan as they have grown up from band, to basketball, to track. Who treated them as her own. But who has longed for her own for years but to no avail has been able to. Who although so proud of the niece’s and nephew wish it was her kids she could boast about. Who now at 44 deems like it’s too late. Cries hard alone and often

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 7:52 pm

      Sorry for your pain. Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share with us!

  234. Oneisa May 29, 2016 / 7:30 pm

    She cries because her first pregnancy was ended by abortion or a miscarriage. She cries because she’s now filled will hurt guilt and sadness. She cries because she doesn’t know if she will ever get pregnant again.

  235. Holly May 29, 2016 / 7:33 pm

    My husband and I have gone through 2 failed adoptions. We can’t have kids and every time I get a baby shower invite, I can’t help but wonder why me. Why do I not have the kids I long for? Why are the adoptions failing? What is wrong with me? This is so perfect!!!

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 7:51 pm

      I wish I had answers for you, sis. But I dont think its bc something is wrong with you. Thanks for sharing.

  236. Crystal May 29, 2016 / 8:16 pm

    This is a great article. I am pregnant with #4 & am always upset by the comments like “oh you’re busy” or “oh you’ve got your hands full” . I have even had a couple say “don’t you know how that happens?” . Really?! My husband & I are choosing to have a large family & are very happy living with less “stuff” in order to have more little ones.
    May we all be more supportive of each other’s choices ♡

  237. Minka May 29, 2016 / 8:35 pm

    Can we also apply the “mind your own womb” concept to women who are child free by choice? You post, though wonderful, should have also mentioned women like me who do not wish to become mothers. We deserve to have our decision respected as much as women who wish to become mothers. Women like me tend to receive a hell of a lot of abuse and judgement purely because we don’t want to “squeeze one out” (I’ve even been spat on for my child free choice). Peace.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 7:10 pm

      Of course you can and should apply it. Apply it to every woman. The fact that I didnt mention some doesnt make them any less valid. I’m not that powerful.

  238. Sherri Gutierrez May 29, 2016 / 9:21 pm

    I love this article (and some of the comments). I am the woman who cannot conceive. I’m 40 years old now and stopped fighting for conception 5 years ago. Nothing worked and the doctor basically told me to come back after I lose weight (a totally unnecessary comment that had nothing to do with conceiving). I mourned my lost dream but realized God had other plans for me in the form of a nephew and godson who both needed a family and parents. I will not pretend that I don’t still feel down on occasion wishing I’d had my own children, but I love the children I do have and my neices, nephew, godchildren, friend’s children, and family member’s children. I have learned to let go of my anger, disappointment, and jealousy.

    As for those women who feel what man would want a woman who can’t conceive, a man like my husband of 20 years would. A man like my best friend’s husband who married her knowing she didn’t want children. They are out there, ladies. Don’t give up!

    • N. Angail May 29, 2016 / 9:30 pm

      Beautiful reminder! Yes, they are out there. So many women know women are more than their ability to grow a child.

  239. Anon May 29, 2016 / 9:33 pm

    I was asked several times while going through marital problems -which ultimately ended in divorce – when we were going to have kids. Few years later I still don’t have any kids and I am not sure how I feel about that. But that’s my business and no one else’s.

    When or if someone is going to have kids is none of your GD business. Have some respect and keep your mouth shut.

  240. anonymous May 29, 2016 / 9:58 pm

    empty womb. empty soul. broken woman.

  241. Evan Martin May 29, 2016 / 10:38 pm

    I know this probably isn’t the place, but you left off the woman who doesn’t want children and cries from the comments/pressure of others. My wife has been hurt many times in this way, and her position us equally valid to those listed above.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 6:23 pm

      Every position is valid. This is but a sampling of scenarios. Thanks for commenting.

  242. Jovie May 29, 2016 / 11:02 pm

    I have worried at my age right now for not having a child. Im 37 and my problem is my boyfriend 43 who in not ready yet to try to have a child. Hope one day he actually understand my feelings..i want to be a mother of his child. Im hoping that i am capable to get pregnant by the time that he deciding to have one. Hope no any problem with me as i did not experience or to try yet to get pregnant. I really cant wait to be a mother…

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 6:25 pm

      Hopefully you can be a mother one day through delivery or adoption. Thanks for sharing.

  243. Su May 29, 2016 / 11:19 pm

    Thanks for sharing . There are all kinds of ppl , just reply them with ”so what??

    My case is different. I got preganant second time when my first was 18 month. And my mil asked why i had to hurry so fast as it would interrupt my job !!
    She didnt ask me directly. Else i would have slapped “so what” answer

  244. Bestone May 29, 2016 / 11:54 pm

    Wow this was a good read. I never wanted kids and ended up with three. I have taken for granted what so many women long for. No more because this has opened my eyes. I teared up reading some of these comments and I can’t imagine being told that I couldn’t conceive or carry a child. My heart and prayers goes out to you.

  245. Mustard May 29, 2016 / 11:58 pm

    Dear all,

    She doesn’t cry when asked why she has no children.

    1. She feels not the need to have children as she realises that everyone has the capability to embrace the whole world as their own and not selfishly limit themselves by attaching themselves to their own families. She realises that such selfishness is the cause of all inequalities in the world. When she looks after everyone like she is their mother, she will only work in their best interests.

    2. When she realises that she is not the ideal human being, shouldn’t she first make efforts towards understanding the true nature of this existence before bringing another life in to this world? How can she being an imperfect human being produce a perfect human being? How can she, being a prejudiced person, raise a child of universal love?

    3. Everyone lives in their own bubble. So, they will ask and suggest anything they think is appropriate. Why should she be so weak to cry because of her inability to love everyone – that obviates the need to have her ‘own’ child. If she was inclusive, she wouldn’t be hurt by anyone asking anything.

    4. Until there is a last orphaned child, last orphaned dog on the street, she thinks why she should have ‘her’ own?

  246. Whitney May 30, 2016 / 12:02 am

    She cries because the child she already has, has an undiagnosed disease that may or may not be passed on to her other children. She cries because she’s always wanted a big family but a special needs child is a lot of work and a lot of money. She cries because she’s selfishly considering having more even though there’s a chance the next baby could be ‘special’. She cries because her husband had a vasectomy. She cries because she loves being pregnant and enjoys her children. She cries because she doesn’t want her husband to leave her. She cries because she’s pregnant again and has to break the news to her sister, who’s struggling with infertility. She cries because she wants 6 kids, but didn’t find her husband & soul mate until they were 40 and feels it would be selfish to have that many kids.

  247. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 12:19 am

    There’s also the woman who is in her 30s and still single. Wondering if she ever can and will get pregnant after eventually finding a husband. Not everyone has a husband or boyfriend to support them or go through this with.

  248. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 12:53 am

    where’s the option of NO children or pregnancies ever? for those of us who don’t want to be mother’s of any kind and are happy if we find out we are infertile? a woman is much more then simply the ability to have a child.

  249. SS May 30, 2016 / 1:07 am

    I always wanted kids but it isn’t possible. I got breast cancer when I was 31 and my insurance wouldn’t cover fertility preservation. I’m now 34 and just found out the cancer came back in my bones so it is now incurable and life expectancy isn’t very high… I probably will not make it to 40. In a way I am glad I don’t have any so they don’t have to lose a mother. My dad sometimes make comments like you could have had kids years ago. That is true but I was waiting for the one and we got engaged right before I found the lump.

  250. Michelle May 30, 2016 / 1:10 am

    Beautifully written. Thank you so much for writing this. I wish I had the guts to share it with everyone I know! Thank you!

  251. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 1:23 am

    She cries because she had to choose between her own life and the life of her child.

  252. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 2:30 am

    The one missing part of the article is respecting that some women choose not to have children at all, that is also ok

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 8:11 pm

      Amen!

  253. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 4:33 am

    I’m 34 with no children. I have had the odd feelings now and then of wanting to have children but in the back of my mind….the long history of heart disease in my family. I had a relative who not long died after giving birth and a couple of others who became seriously unwell after giving birth.

    I’ve weighed up all the factors and it may be selfish but I have put my own health first. Yes when I am around kids I do often think how unfair life is and ‘maybe I could take a chance’ but then the what ifs creep in. What if I die and leave by boyfriend a single parent, what if me and the child die.

    I am, albeit sad at times, happy that I can look after others children to help them, to go out for days out with friends that have kids. I know I’m healthy and not putting myself at risk….not putting a potential baby at risk.

    I tell people if it happens it happens – I’m not actively trying, but if by some miracle I do fall pregnant I will weigh up the risks the doctors give me and make a decision.

  254. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 6:34 am

    I think sadly until we are able to accept that women are more than their ability to conceive, women will continue to be asked these unintentionally insensitive questions. As a woman who doesn’t want children I have often felt like an outsider or patronised (“you’ll change your mind”) or on occasion a failure. I am not cold and uncaring, I certainly don’t hate children and I am pleased for those who want and have children and sympathise with those who are tragically unable. However, in reality having a baby is only one part of being a woman, we are so much more than that we are professionals, adventurers, comedians, wives and lovers. The joy, tragedy or disinterest of our own fertility shouldn’t be our defining factor but part of our own personal journey.

  255. idiosyncraticwit May 30, 2016 / 6:49 am

    The more I think about the this more upset I get. Thankyou to those that pointed out the 30 year old woman who is asked “still no children” and she replies “God no. I don’t want any” and then she hears the reply “Pshh you just havnt found the right guy yet” or “you just need to settle down, times wasting, you’ll regret it”

    I am angry because I want to love this post. It is amazing. It says so so so many important things and yet….It leaves out one of the most integral and important ones. This whole post actually, with that single omission negates all it has done to raise awareness for “mind your own womb” because it perpetuates the notion that to be a woman you have to yearn for children.

    It is dreadful and exclusionary and I am just…..so sad.

  256. Safirah May 30, 2016 / 6:49 am

    a well written piece – Thank you

  257. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 7:21 am

    Cries because her husband had two boys with his ex-wife and assumed that was enough for him. Cries because the kids mother will not give her peace upon raising her kids for her. cries because she had three boys in addition and the husband feels five boys are too much to hold.
    cries because she is working to support the husband who can cater for a family of fifteen without pressure. cries because due to this she is not able to save any money out of her meager salary yet she holds a masters degree but cant afford a better job for fear of relocation which may destroy her family. Cries because her husband doesn’t regard her much but understands his ex-wife (who is married to another man with a kid and looking forward to another) better. Cries because upon all her sacrifices her husband discusses her with his ex-wife and numerous girlfriends and they make mockery of her. Cries because her husband bought her a car which she paid part of the cost and he scolds her anytime he does maintenance on the car forgetting she does not earn much. Cries because deep down her heart she doesn’t want the car anymore but she is forced to use it to satisfy her husband. Cries because her ex-boyfriend was her dream husband who is now the best husband in town. Cries because she was forced to separate from her ex boyfriend by her mum due to tribal different. Cries because the same mum now believes she is a fool for not taking any action against her husband. Cries because her husband is an only child and her mother in-law would not want know her petitions because she wants her “only son” to be happy with himself regardless of what she feels as a wife. Cries because she has higher education than this husband who is treating her as a rag and still feels he has done the best for her. Cries because the younger step-son does not appreciate her yet he is the one she spends most of her time with and buys more gifts for. Cries because people wonder why she is not moving into the city for a better job. Cries because she always runs on empty and feels wasted but any move she makes can destroy her kids’ happiness and future. Cries because she is too late to pursue the happy life that she used to dream of during her school days. Cries because she is now a misfit among her peers.

  258. Endurance May 30, 2016 / 7:27 am

    Cries because her husband had two boys with his ex-wife and assumed that was enough for him. Cries because the kids mother will not give her peace upon raising her kids for her. cries because she had three boys in addition and the husband feels five boys are too much to hold.
    cries because she is working to support the husband who can cater for a family of fifteen without pressure. cries because due to this she is not able to save any money out of her meager salary yet she holds a masters degree but cant afford a better job for fear of relocation which may destroy her family. Cries because her husband doesn’t regard her much but understands his ex-wife (who is married to another man with a kid and looking forward to another) better. Cries because upon all her sacrifices her husband discusses her with his ex-wife and numerous girlfriends and they make mockery of her. Cries because her husband bought her a car which she paid part of the cost and he scolds her anytime he does maintenance on the car forgetting she does not earn much. Cries because deep down her heart she doesn’t want the car anymore but she is forced to use it to satisfy her husband. Cries because her ex-boyfriend was her dream husband who is now the best husband in town. Cries because she was forced to separate from her ex boyfriend by her mum due to tribal different. Cries because the same mum now believes she is a fool for not taking any action against her husband. Cries because her husband is an only child and her mother in-law would not want know her petitions because she wants her “only son” to be happy with himself regardless of what she feels as a wife. Cries because she has higher education than this husband who is treating her as a rag and still feels he has done the best for her. Cries because the younger step-son does not appreciate her yet he is the one she spends most of her time with and buys more gifts for. Cries because people wonder why she is not moving into the city for a better job. Cries because she always runs on empty and feels wasted but any move she makes can destroy her kids’ happiness and future. Cries because she is too late to pursue the happy life that she used to dream of during her school days. Cries because she is now a misfit among her peers.

    • N. Angail May 30, 2016 / 6:20 pm

      Thanks for sharing. Its NEVER too late to pursue happiness. That happiness may not look like what you imagined it would look like when you were younger, but it is still attainable and itll still feel like home.

    • Rachael May 30, 2016 / 9:49 pm

      You deserve better than how you’ve described your husband. I’m so sorry.

  259. Anonoymous May 30, 2016 / 7:52 am

    I am the woman that everyone says “would be the best mom”. I am the woman who waited until she found the “right one” – even if it was at at 39. I got pregnant on the honeymoon. Turns out that my “husband” had lots of secrets that he kept from me and lots of lies that he told. Nine days into our “marriage”, I wondered if we’d survive but I had to try for the little one growing inside me. We separated (those who knew what was going on saw that coming). At 12 weeks 5 days, I miscarried. I have my daughter in an urn. Instead of celebrating one year of marriage, final divorce papers were signed. Now I’m so mistrusting of people after what he did that I can’t even begin to entertain the thought of dating. I’m stuck; I’m paralyzed with fear – and I’m getting older. I am working on accepting that I am a woman that will never be a mom.

    • Anonymous May 31, 2016 / 8:40 am

      You are a mom!

  260. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 7:53 am

    I am in my early 40s and my husband and I have tried to conceive for the last 12 years of our 22 year marriage. When I was 40, I hit my bottom and o completely stopped talking to my husband about my feelings. We waited because we wanted to be more financially stable and I also had some medical issues that I had to address before thinking about pregnancy. We both want children very much. When we started the fertility process, I was scared it would be me and my husband would leave. I asked myself, if it is him will I understand? By the doctor’s account, we are both medically fine. They can find no medical reason for me or him to not be able to conceive. That is the hardest part of not having kids. The doctor told me to lose weight and I have lost over 100 pounds. They said lost 40 more and they can do IVF. I cannot afford IVF.
    I hate the questions of when and why. Didn’t you want? Yes, I did and do is what I want to scream at them. I know they mean no harm but it is very frustrating. I have always loved children and to hear of the way children are beaten and killed by biological parents then know that you are unable to have one for whatever reason just is heartbreaking. My husband is so understanding, so supportive and just so loving to hold me when I cry. As much as I love my mother, I hate Mother’s Day. It reminds me of what I can never have or may never have. We are looking into adoption and are hoping to start that process soon.

  261. Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 8:38 am

    She cries because she “did everything right” and waited for marriage, but after two years of trying, still nothing. She cries because she feels like Good must hate her to keep her from having kids, but allowing teens and unfit patents to bear children. She cries because at 13, she was told she could not have children, but still holds out hope. She cries because after working in daycares for almost 10 years, all she wants is to have a little one of her own to care for. She cries because she has to listen to so many people talk about how children are inconvenient or how they never wanted to have kids, or how kids ruined their lives, but she would give up almost anything to be able to have kids like those people. She cries because she’s 25, and feels her clock ticking but he husband “just isn’t ready yet”.

  262. PJ May 30, 2016 / 9:00 am

    Even in lovely pieces like this, no one ever thinks of the single woman who dearly wants to get married and have children. The woman who has dated many men, or none, but can’t find the right one. The woman who is in her 30s, or 40s, or even late 20s, and so disheartened by how her life is going in a different direction than she ever wanted or imagined. She does not want to become a single mother by choice, or she cannot afford it. Her womb aches for a child and she can’t even try to fill it. She is forgotten at Mother’s Day even when the others who are hurting are not.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 6:35 pm

      All I can say is yup. Thank you

    • Cvq May 30, 2016 / 6:35 pm

      All I can say is yup. Thank you .

  263. Indileni Lau Kawedi May 30, 2016 / 9:37 am

    Mind your own womb, you will never feel how heavy the rain is unless you step in it and get wet.

  264. Gilbert Mzenzi Mabasa : The Teacher May 30, 2016 / 9:53 am

    Tears swell up my eyes as irradiated through this at the Bulawayo Rainbow Hotel. I have no right to judge what I don’t know. God only is God of all.

  265. skinnyandsingle May 30, 2016 / 10:15 am

    I truly wish people could mind their own business. I loved this post and shared it. Thank you.

    • Daneal G May 30, 2016 / 6:44 pm

      Me too. Im tired of people swearing to me thst tho im nesrly 39, it’s not too late if I really believe in it! I ususlly say something snarky about that not being the way hysterectomies work in real life. And then, bc it was so clearly a complete stranger’s business to ask my age and why I haf no children, of course its also ok for the same person,ro ask me why I had had the operation. This is, in fact, no ones business, but im feeling generous so I will personally assure you all right now that it was not fucking purely elective, like botox or something. But thanks for caring.

  266. Katherine May 30, 2016 / 10:32 am

    I love this but it doesn’t describe me or other heart moms ( special needs moms too). I want another baby so bad but I’m mortally scared to bring another baby into this world who would have to go through the the hurricane of operations, feeding tubes, doctors, nurses, medications, transplants, and on and on. Having a medically needy child and wanting another seems like I’m begging for punishment.

  267. Kimberly May 30, 2016 / 10:35 am

    I have two healthy boys but would love another. Unfortunately, that will never happen and I couldn’t agree more with this post. People always ask when ur gonna have another without thinking how it’ll affect u. I always believed that if someone wanted to share that with me then ok but I never ask!! I had severe preeclampsia with my pregnancies and almost died with my youngest so do I want another one?yes. But it isn’t safe for me or fair to my boys to get pregnant and put my life at risk and leave them without a mommy. My new husband would be a great daddy, he is to my boys but they’re not his biologically. It’s just hard so please think about that next time u wanna ask someone about having kids.

  268. Jadenlynx May 30, 2016 / 11:02 am

    I find it rather insulting that you don’t talk about the women that are constantly prodded about having kids when they do not want them. They also cry alone because everyone is always telling them they should have kids, it is selfish not to. That their life is incomplete without them. That they will never know love if they don’t have kids. That they will regret it when they are old…..and on and on and on. If you want to talk about minding your own womb, then you forgot one of the major groups that wish that people would, just as much as the others you mentioned.

    • Yootha May 30, 2016 / 6:40 pm

      Hear bloody hear!!!

    • Katherine Moore May 30, 2016 / 8:19 pm

      YES I was thinking this as well. I have two kids and did want to have them, but TOTALLY get how a huge number of people just don’t want them at all! I was surprised this article didn’t address that cohort.

  269. Elizabeth Tai May 30, 2016 / 11:15 am

    A lovely article 🙂 i recently had to process this myself. I felt a lot of grief, but after much introspection, I realised that I was largely ambivalent about having kids, almost disinterested, but felt very pressured to be a mom because of society’s expectations. Also, I saw that women had a kids had an elevated status, and I suppose I wanted that. I finally had a talk with trusted mentors and told them very frankly that the reason why I wanted to have kids was because I wanted society’s acceptance and to be looked upon with admiration instead of pity. I said: “Man, is that the worst reason to have kids ever.” And we all laughed. Knowing how selfish my desire was, and how, if I did have my kids it’ll be because of THAT snapped me out of my sadness somehow. I’m not sure why, but maybe because I was really relieved that I didn’t use a child to fulfill my narcissistic desires!

    Oh, I’m sure I would’ve loved the child, but I have a feeling I would have been a very neurotic and anxious mother – I was a neurotic and anxious pet owner, so I can’t imagine having to deal with a child’s hiccups, coughs and colds. I would catastrophise everything and imagine all kinds of awful fates …. so for her sake and mine, I’m glad I didn’t make the leap.

  270. opeimugh May 30, 2016 / 11:50 am

    Reblogged this on Opeimugh and commented:
    Such joy there is when a woman conceives and gives birth to an offspring…

  271. KG May 30, 2016 / 11:54 am

    Good article, but I really wish the author had also introduced the woman who has no children because she wants none. Sadly, this piece reinforces the notion that all women want children. (Or want more than one child. There are many people out there who are very happy with the one they have, but don’t want more, however this articles implies that most do.) I agree wholeheartedly that people should mind their own business when it comes to others’ reproduction, but it bothers me that the childfree segment of the population is left out of this piece. True, it may not be as deeply tragic for women who decided not to have children as it is for those who can’t, be we still do endure the same questions and callous remarks from friends, family and strangers. Our society often treats women who choose not to have children as if there is something wrong with them, or as if they are less of a person, unfairly calling them selfish. It is expected that people will reproduce, and those of us that don’t often find ourselves explaining why to people who really have no right to know. I have many, many valid reasons for not wanting children, and I shouldn’t have to justify that decision to anyone. And if I decide not to have children, it’s not someone else’s place to convince me otherwise, yet many people try. Folks should mind there own business. Some people struggle with fertility for years and never conceive. It’s tragic. Some have one child and would like more, but can’t. Some have one child and only want one. Some want large families. And others are very happy not having children at all. Whether or not to have kids, how many to have, and when to have them is up to the parents, and no one else. Everyone should stop making assumptions, and stop asking about other’s reproductive plans.

    • KG May 30, 2016 / 4:20 pm

      Another woman: 32, no kids. No children, by choice. People ask her when she’ll have kids. She replies that she has no plans. They walk away, and she sighs.

      Sighs because she doesn’t want children, but people don’t understand. Sighs because people automatically assume she wants children and will have them at some point, but they’re wrong. Sighs because society expects women to have children, to want children, to love children, but she doesn’t fit the mold. Sighs because society projects children as a symbols of happiness and success, but she doesn’t agree. Sighs because she is tired of the pressure from family and friends to reproduce. Sighs because she is tired of people telling her what to do with her body and her life. Sighs because she is tired of justifying her choices to strangers who have no right to know. Sighs because strangers try to tell her how wonderful being a parent is. Sighs because she is tired of everyone assuming that she can have children when she had her tubes tied years ago. Sighs when people tell her “never say never” and “you’ll change your mind” when she knows she won’t. Sighs because society labels her as selfish because she doesn’t want children when she knows that she’s not in a position to raise a child properly, wouldn’t be a good mother and believes it unfair to bring a child into this world that she doesn’t have the resources to raise. Sighs because she doesn’t want a child because she doesn’t want to be responsible for the suffering of another. Sighs because she knows her child would have a high chance of a birth defect or disorder, but doesn’t want to tell her/her husbands’ medical history to a stranger. Sighs because she knows a pregnancy would be a huge health risk for her, and it makes no sense to take that risk when she doesn’t want a child. Sighs because she does fell a little guilty that her parents will never get to be grandparents, but realizes it is not their choice. Sighs because she likes her life the way it is, and knows that having a child will destroy that life. Sighs because she is truly happy without children, but people don’t believe it. Sighs because people won’t respect her choices for her life and her body.

      • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 7:25 pm

        Love this.

  272. Rene May 30, 2016 / 12:06 pm

    As a step-mom of 3 wonderful girls. I always used to get… when are you and your hubby going to have your own? I love my step-kids with every fibre of my being. How come some women don’t understand that just because I didn’t birth them doesn’t make me any less of their parent. I’m soo sick of hearing that I missed out of the miracle of pregnancy, and that I don’t understand it because I’ve never felt the hormones or the kick in my own belly. My husband and I talked about our famity early on in our relationship and we both decided that 3 was plenty, both…. meaning this is what I decided as well, not him. I discovered that as soon as a dropped the “step” in “step-parent” in my vocabulary all the stigma and questions stopped. Phew…. I love my kids, my girls, my family.

    • Kat May 30, 2016 / 7:28 pm

      That is about the only way I would ever end up being a mother, really–is if I marry a guy with a kid or kids. Not because I don’t want to experience being a mom at all, but because if I tried to actually get pregnant, I feel there would be health risks I feel I can’t afford to take. I agree–there is way too narrow of a definition of “family,” and no thanks to stories like “Cinderella,” the “step” in step-parent has gotten a bad rap. I mean–if the word “step-family” is so horrible, why was “The Brady Bunch” so popular? 😛

  273. yam May 30, 2016 / 12:50 pm

    Cries because shes not in a relationship and haven’t found the right guy and yet she already wanted to have her own child at 33.

  274. Donna Miller May 30, 2016 / 12:54 pm

    Very poignant. When I married my ex husband people would ask “When are you going to have a baby”. I got so fed up with the questions that I turned into a smart alec and replied “9 months after we conceive one.” I later found out he had a vasectomy and didn’t tell me (did it before we were married). Every time I’ve dated it’s “When are you guys going to get married and have kids?” I’ve never remarried.

    I have one child from a prior bad relationship (absent father), and he has turned into a wonder father to my two grand children.

    People need to think before they comment, but also us women need to be strong and tell the busy bodies to clam up because it’s really none of their damn business.

  275. oseyda May 30, 2016 / 1:02 pm

    Reblogged this on oseyda's blog and commented:
    Very touching and speaking to the core of my heart. Some of us are culprits when it comes to judging.

  276. Forever Alone May 30, 2016 / 1:17 pm

    Then there is:

    You’re a single adult and is has been years since a man has looked at you, let alone considered dating you. (And you can’t afford adoption or in vitro.)

  277. Ms R May 30, 2016 / 1:50 pm

    Somewhere there is a woman, 32 and alone, she cries for the children she doesn’t have because she have not met their daddy yet. She never chose a career over love or motherhood, but that is all she have. Everyday she is aware that she is a day older and still alone.
    The dreams of having a big family have been adjusted, she clings to the hope of just having one child.
    She always thought Valentine’s Day is the worst day of the year, only to realise that mother’s day is so much worse.

    Somewhere a woman tells her best friend that she is expecting, not realizing that later that night her friend lies in bed with tears streaming down her face, wishing for somebody to hold her, to help her carry the pain.

    • M May 30, 2016 / 9:38 pm

      Thank you for adding this one. I feel for and honor all the above listed women (and men, and “grandparents”, etc….) but personally relate to this addition as this is the place I am at. When one feels such a significant part of their identify is to be a wife and mother but is unable to live this part of their identify because they have not yet found the partner they are meant to build this chapter with. It is truly a loss. Peace to all women out there. Everyone is fighting their own battle- and we often don’t realize what they may be feeling.

      • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 11:18 pm

        Thank you for this additional post. It describes my life perfectly. Although it seems taboo to mention women who are waiting for live before children. The idea of a family built upon the love of mother and father is seemingly too ideal. Yet some of us are still striving for it.

    • L May 30, 2016 / 10:06 pm

      Are you me? Sigh.

    • Anonymous May 30, 2016 / 10:10 pm

      Thank you. I feel often that no one acknowledges that this is me. I’m still alone and I often feel that don’t matter because I have not met those milestones yet.

      • Anonymous May 31, 2016 / 3:00 pm

        Ironic that i would see this post on the anniversary of my miscarriage.

    • Lori May 31, 2016 / 9:00 am

      I can so relate to this one. Thank you for adding it. I didn’t get married until I was 52, only because Mr. Right didn’t come along until I was 50. I hated seeing my friends having babies. I hate, to this day, going to baby showers. On Facebook, a friend posted that, “To those who have never experienced pregnancy, have missed out on the most beautiful feeling in the world, feeling the baby kicking” (something to that effect). I cried after reading that. I ‘hide’ all photos on Facebook, that women post of themselves showing off their big bellies, (tight clothes and some bare). It feels so ‘in your face’, and they’ll post these pictures every month to show how they are progressing. I realize it’s my issue, but still hard to take.

    • Asri May 31, 2016 / 10:02 am

      I feel you. We (woman) can’t always be perfect… But there’s always be a perfect time for us…

    • Maite May 31, 2016 / 12:11 pm

      I was there a long time… I met my husband when I was 35 and got married at 37. Then three years of fertility treatments and EVERYBODY asking when were the children coming… It was so so painful… After many IVFs I could get pregnant at 40, I call it a miracle. Now I have all that same people asking about a sibling… Thanks God my ears have gone a bit deaf to some kind of comments! Maybe it’s the age…
      Ladies, a big hug and best of luck for all of you

    • Ashwina D May 31, 2016 / 12:49 pm

      Cries because she is getting divorced at 31 and feels like she has wasted 6 years of her life into investing in a failed relationship, cries because she wants kids but cannot bear the thought of another failed relationship, cries because the closest thing to being pregnant would be a one night stand or a sperm bank, but then again the society she lives in does not accept single mothers, cries because she will have to go for Plan B because Plan A where she was happily married and planning for a family has imploded

    • Grace May 31, 2016 / 2:23 pm

      You just described me to a t. When I was younger I knew I wasn’t ready to marry but that I wanted to “someday”.

    • Marissa May 31, 2016 / 2:46 pm

      Love the whole post, but this comment is what was in my heart while reading. I don’t want to claim that I understand what it’s like for women who are trying for kids and are unable to have them, but as a single woman who longs for children and hasn’t even found a man to date yet (much less marry, which is what I want before children) I deeply empathize with the feeling of barrenness.
      Somewhere, a woman cries reading this comment knowing the writer understands her pain. Thank you.

    • Anonymous May 31, 2016 / 3:36 pm

      I hear ya, Sister.

    • Kedibone Makwarela-Mulaudzi May 31, 2016 / 4:05 pm

      Somewhere there is a woman was victim of teen pregnancy with one child decided to have other kids when married now married is miscourage after miscourage the only child she has now lives on his/er own. The woman feels empty n lonely want to adopt but cultural beliefs is problem want to foster but still the hubby is convinced they will have child soon. Sometimes a woman choose to be mother of one n stop trying course the woman is tired raising her hopes when pregnant end up loosing preg
      #mywombmybusiness

  278. stefanieszen May 30, 2016 / 2:03 pm

    Thank you for this! There is another to add to this wonderful post however …

    Somewhere there is a woman: 38, no children. People ask her “Do you have any children?” assuming, like most, that she does. When she replies “No, no children” and smiles politely, the response is always the same – pity and sadness. The accompanying pat on the hand and cheerful “well, there’s still time” never gets easier for her. Alone, she cries …

    She cries because she feels selfish for not wanting to have children. She cries because she wanted a career before she wanted a family. She cries because she was raised in a small family, with a single mother and doesn’t understand the desire for large family. She cries because she wonders if she’s made the right choice. She cries because she cannot have children, and she would have loved to have a family. She cries because she is planning to adopt and cannot understand why people don’t see the same beauty and love in this form of parenthood.

    • Anonymous May 31, 2016 / 1:08 am

      Thank you. I am 34 not 38 but