On Why You Shouldn’t Force Him into Marriage

Let me tell you what you need in a husband: a man who wants to be one. Marriage can be trying enough on its own, but try it with a man who doesn’t even want to be there and you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Don’t get me wrong. I respect your hustle. After all, you’re just trying to let him know, “Hey, now, we not gon’ do this forever . Can I get some stated intentions and security up in this piece?” You want him to know you’re a marriage-minded woman who doesn’t intend to spend her days and nights as a mere girlfriend. You’re not a girl and the two of you are more than friends, so I completely understand your frustration.

But, still, don’t force it. His proposal should come from within. He needs to have a longing, a deep desire to be your husband, not necessarily in a hyper-romantic, you-make-my-heart-beat sort of way (because that usually leads to let downs and unrealistic expectations), but in a I-have-a-responsibility-to-myself-and-her sort of way. And, of course, he should want to make sure no one else moves in on his lady.

So What’s His Deal? Why Won’t He Propose?

The answer to this question depends on the things you’ve observed in him. Is he a committed and faithful man who seems to be scared of the “m word”? Or is he an off-and-on, only-nice-when-he-wants-to-be, rarely-answers-his-cell-phone kind of guy? There is an expansive chasm that describes the difference between these two types of guys. The first one has wonderful husband potential. The other is clearly playing you. If you’ve got yourself a #2 kind of guy, begging him to propose is the worst thing you can do for yourself. You might as well let that go and find someone else who will be worth your time.

He won’t propose because he’s just not that into you

I know, I know, that’s hard to hear. Even a relationship full of  ups and downs can be hard to let go when you feel like its all you have. Sometimes we cling to immature, unfaithful men because even that feels better than nothing, but the truth is that “nothing” is often what we need to help us start fresh and new. That nothingness can help you discover what made you stay in a bad relationship in the first place. That nothingness can help you discover who you are as an unattached individual, one who doesn’t look to a man for happiness. Remember, you don’t just want to be married. You want a happy, fulfilling marriage. You’re probably not going to get that from this guy.

He won’t propose because he’s scared/doesn’t feel ready

Let’s get back to guy #1, the fearful one. He’s a different case. You don’t have to leave him, but you should have a real conversation about his hesitation. Rather than make assumptions and putting words in his mouth, ask an open ended question like, “I’d like to be married within the next _______. How does that sound to you?” Notice what he says and how he says it. Does the question make him uncomfortable? Does he seem caught off guard, like he never expected this topic to come up, or does he seem genuinely interested, but hesitant?And if the latter is true, ask him about the hesitation. Maybe he thinks he’s not financially ready. Maybe he thinks marriage is a curse that ruins otherwise healthy relationships. Maybe he thinks getting married will cause aliens to descend upon earth and carry him away in their technologically advanced spaceship. Who knows what’s going on in his mind! But you never will until you ask. Something as simple as, “I sense some hesitation. What’s that about?” can open the door to the type of conversation you want to have.

Be sure to play it cool. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, come off as needy. Nothing like, “Baaaabbbbbyyyy, when are you going to propose?  I NEED to be married to you!” (said in a whiny voice). All that’s going to do is make him feel pressured to give you the answer you want, and then you’ll end up hurt when he backs out of it later. Be calm and straight forward. Your tone should say, “I’m serious, but I’m also strong enough to accept whatever answer you have. I just want truth and clarity.” That way, if he does end up proposing, you’ll know it’s real, and that’s the only way you should want it.

~Nadirah Angail

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2 thoughts on “On Why You Shouldn’t Force Him into Marriage

  1. Menimist February 4, 2017 / 2:28 am

    I have been married before and I made my feelings clear when we were dating on the matter. I never said I wouldn’t but I never said I will jump in face first. One thing this article is quite biased on is what if the man…… as a man I will like to turn this around. why does the woman want to marry? Is it a sign of commitment, religious beliefs or is it a sign of commitment issues which they themselves have? In my own experience and a substantial amount of people closest to me both young and old, women specifically as well as men have said and heard say is this. The young want to set their lives up first, they want a serious relationship but marriage prohibits them from being in an abusive relationship and the ones who do marry young feel trapped. The older generation not all but quite alot feel that their lives were wasted and that they wished they didn’t wait to get a divorce. You talk about one side of the marriage issue this is the other

    • N. Angail February 6, 2017 / 10:37 am

      Thanks for your perspective.

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