On Speaking Your Mind Without Nagging (Him to Death) Pt. 2

In part 1, we talked about knowing who you’re talking to and what that means, but what now?  If we have a problem, how do we approach it? I’ll tell you how: with your mind. Your heart, sweet as it is, is not the weapon you want to bring with you to a difficult conversation. Hearts are just so…emotional. They lack the stability you need in this type of scenario, and while the fickleness of the heart is actually a necessity (because it allows you, for example, to go from being angry to brimming with joy just because he sent you a sweet text message), its not an asset in this type of situation.

  • Plan your approach rationally, and always remember the bottom line 

Ladies, why is it that when we get upset, we sometimes let our good sense leave us? We start letting our anger talk us into doing all kinds of things we wouldn’t normally do, like bad-mouthing him to a friend, or starting arguments with him in front of other people, or going Jazmine Sullivan on his car windows. We all know we shouldn’t do these things, but when that heart gets hurt, it can coax a dark side out of us we never knew we had. That’s why we’ve got to lead with the mind. It’s sensible, practical, reliable.

I know what you’re thinking. “Yeah, sure,  all that sounds great, but when I get mad, there is no leading with the mind.” That’s when the issue of self control comes in. Sometimes, you have to put on your big girl panties and realize you aren’t a little kid anymore. No more tantrums in the grocery store.  You have to stay focused on the bottom line, which is that you’ve got a good man, one you’d like to continue to be with.  So, go scream into a pillow if you have to, but do not approach him until you know you’ve calmed down.  If that takes hours or even days, so be it, but keep in mind that the whole point of the conversation is to get back to a place of peace and balance. You’ll probably have a really hard time doing that when you’re angry. Remember, no matter how upset you are, everything you say is either adding to the problem or helping to solve it. Choose your words (and timing) wisely.

And once you’ve calmed down and you think your ready to go have a nice, calm, sophisticated conversation, sit back down. You’re still not ready. Love and commitment ain’t no joke. It takes a lot of work to make a relationship last, so before you can have your discussion, you have to first figure out what it is you want to get out of it.

It’s easy to be sad and angry and hurt, but can you verbalize what you want him to do about that? Can you clearly and succinctly explain the problem and what you’d like him to do differently? And can you handle the negotiations that may be necessary if your expectations are too high?

That’s a biggie: negotiating our expectations. Thanks to unbalanced notions of love and romance, many of us come into relationships expecting our men to be our everything, to fill our holes. We want him to give us never ending happiness and to be the consummate comforter. No man can do that. No person can do that. Expecting your man to fill your bottomless cup is the perfect way to tire him out and push him away. So, maybe that means doing a little soul searching to see why you require so much. Maybe that means examining your ideas of love and what you think that should look like. Or maybe that means slowing down, taking a deep breath and exploring the idea that he’s not the only one that needs to make some changes.

Part 3 will be posted tomorrow morning. See ya soon!

~Nadirah Angail

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