I’ve had my heart broken before. Hurts real bad. Like, real bad. But looking back, I’m thankful. No matter how hard we try, we can’t prevent all of the bad things that will happen in our lives. They come along with the territory, and it’s our job to learn from these experiences we so wish we could erase.
So, back to my heartache. At the time, I was just so upset. I couldn’t understand how someone I wanted to be with so badly didn’t want to be with me. It blew my mind. I was so wrapped up in that pain that I wasn’t even myself anymore. Y’all know me. I like to laugh, be silly, crack jokes, have fun and just take a “hakuna matata” approach to things. That’s how I usually am, but that Nadirah back them was different. You know how on some TV shows everything turns black and white when someone is sad? That’s how I felt. All my color was gone.
I don’t know what changed or when it changed, but at some point, I realized I needed my color back… real bad. As angry/ready to burn something/upset/hurt/enraged/disgusted as I was, all that energy was doing nothing to make me feel better and nothing to the person I thought I was directing it at.
And with that realization, I let it go. Just like that. I told myself, “I wish this hadn’t happened, but it has and I can’t let it stop me from being happy.” I wanted my color back, and that statement helped me get it. It didn’t come flooding back, but it came. I got a little blue, a little red, then some purple, yellow and green. It was a process.
With all my color back, I was able to move on, get married and have some freakin’ awesome kids, but I still wondered in the back of my mind, “Dag, did it have to go down like that? I mean, couldn’t it have been a cool, amicable separation? Did I have to be all devastated and such?” I wondered that every now and then and never came to any conclusion. Then one day, when it wasn’t even on my mind, the answer fell out of the sky.
“Yes, it did have to go down like that. Now, shut up and accept your life lessons!” Ok, I added that last part. Sorry for lying 😉
I realized then that, had it been a peaceful breakup, I wouldn’t have come out the person I am today. I feel so at ease and balanced in my current relationship, but I am only able to feel that way because I was so over-the-top and out of balance in my last. I had poured myself so deeply into that relationship that I hadn’t left much for myself. That’s why I felt so hurt and empty when it ended. I literally was empty. I had given myself away.
I came into this relationship differently. Sure, I still love hard, but not so hard that I lose myself. Not so hard that I feel like I can’t exist without him, because the truth is that I can exist without him. Of course I don’t want to, but I can and would if I had to. The same goes for him. Until God says otherwise, life always goes on, so I always have to remember that “going on” is actually possible.
That’s what I got out of my bad breakup, and that’s what has given my marriage the beautiful hue it has today. I don’t think I would have learned that any other way. So, for all the tears and heartache, I am thankful.