On Relationship-Killing Friends

You’ve heard the saying “birds of a feather flock together,” right? Well, it’s not always true. Sometimes, we find ourselves flocking to bird whose feathers are nothing like our own. See, you want to be in a happy, peaceful, lasting relationship, but your friends? It’s hard to tell what they want. Some of them seem to want a relationship, because they keep men around, but the quality of those men is… shall we say… questionable. (And they have the nerve to try to introduce you to one of his friends.) Your other friends seem not to want a man, because they love to get their male bash on, but it’s obvious they’re lonely because they’re calling you every night.

A time or two, the thought did run through your mind that some of your girls are relationship killers, but you quickly dismissed it because you know they’re only looking out for you. Your male friends have requested that you stop taking their poisonous advice, but you told them to ease up. They don’t know them like you do. Meanwhile, your last relationship was over a year ago, and the only people that are happy about that fact are your friends. “Don’t worry, girl. Single is the new married! And you don’t have to worry about no man trying to tell you what to do.”

That’s true. You don’t have to worry about a man telling you what to do. You also don’t have to worry about him rubbing your back, massaging your feet, leaving you sweet voice mails with that smooth voice of his, or helping you carry groceries into the house. Anytime one of your single friends claims men only want to tell you what to do, know that she’s a relationship killer, and know that she’ll do her best to get you to ditch any man you do find.

I know, I know. That’s your girl, and “relationship killer” is such a harsh term. You don’t want to go throwing it around all willy nilly, but ask yourself a few questions.

  • If she introduces you to a guy, is he the type of guy you like (mature, kind, intelligent) or the type of guy she likes (smooth-talking, partying, overly-flirtatious)?
  • When you tell her about a new prospect, is she quick to disapprove before giving him a chance?
  • If you call her during a frustrating time to talk about the argument you just had, is she quick to jump to conclusions and encourage you to end it?
  • Does she seem to assume that all the men you’re interested in are just like the losers she’s dated in the past?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, face it, your girl is a killer and needs to be locked up. Okay, maybe she doesn’t need to be locked up, but you definitely need to put some distance between the two of you. Just because a person wants to be your friend doesn’t mean they know how to be your friend. We all have needs, and one of yours is a set of friends that will support your goal of finding a good man. You need friends who will steer you toward the good men and away from the jerks. These are the people that will prove to be an asset in your life.

My friends are supportive of my relationship. I can rest assured that if I called one of them up screaming “I’m out of this marriage,” they’d talk me off the ledge and do their best to help, instead of quickly offering to come over and help me move.  A relationship is between two people, but it is affected by all the people around it. Don’t think for a second that your friends have nothing to do with your love life (or lack thereof). So, take the time to ask yourself, “What kind of people do you have around your relationship?”

~Nadirah Angail

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4 thoughts on “On Relationship-Killing Friends

  1. Nadirah Sulayman March 23, 2011 / 11:13 pm

    Well, alrighty then! My take on this is that our RK friends may not necessarily be acting maliciously but from their own ignorance of healthy relationships. They would help you if they could help themselves first, but sometimes they can’t.

    • N. Angail March 23, 2011 / 11:17 pm

      I’m with you, Nad. I know they have a lot working under the surface they don’t even know about. We all do. A lot of RK’s are sweet people and don’t even know they’re killers, but once you know it, you know what to do!

  2. Lisa March 24, 2011 / 5:44 pm

    I enjoyed this article because I have a couple of friends that are RK and I have to agree I think it is not because they do not want to be a friend, they just haven’t experienced enough to give sound advice. If you are going to ask a friend for advice it is good to speak to one that can come from a neutral standpoint- one that is not afraid to say that you were in the wrong too.

  3. yahyayamini March 24, 2011 / 9:01 pm

    my comment is you are making issues known which will hopefully make us think before we act,When your mouth stumbles,it’s worse than feet.-Oji proverb

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