On the Expensive Thing He Bought You and Why It Don’t Mean…

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of Facebook status updates, usually from teens or women in early twenties, that go something like this: “Posting from that new HTC  Evo Mr. Man bought me. Good looking, boo!” Mind you, Mr. Man is the guy she met a week ago.

Gifts are always nice, especially really expensive ones, but am I the only one that sees a problem with this? Perhaps they’re thinking, “Wow, he must really like me to buy me something like this,” or “Wow, his pockets must be fat.”  That isn’t necessarily true. In fact, it usually isn’t true.  What these ladies fail to see is that if he is willing to buy you something so expensive that soon, obviously spending money on a woman isn’t that big of a deal to him. It’s nothing special (i.e. you’re nothing special). You’re sitting up here cheesing, thinking you’ve gotten some preferential treatment when the reality is that he probably bought 5 of those HTCs and gave the rest to four other girls who are just as easily impressed as you are.  And as far as expensive gifts equaling big bank accounts, think again. More often than not, it equals big debt and small savings.

Why would you even want expensive gifts from a practical stranger anyway? Doesn’t it freak you out, at least a bit? Everyone says they’d love a random person to give them something expensive, but in reality, that’s got to make some eyebrows wrinkle and set off some major mental alarms.  Imagine walking down the street and a stranger smiled, gave you a flower and said, “Have a nice day!” At worst, you think it was a little creepy, but not a big deal. At best, you’d think it was extremely cute. (It all depends on how attractive and charming the stranger was.) Now let’s imagine that same stranger smiled, gave you $500 and said, “Have a nice day!” Even if he was the most handsome guy in the world, wouldn’t you still wonder what was going on and why he’d give you (someone he doesn’t know) that kind of money?  If it were me, I’d think maybe it was stolen, or it was some kind of set up, or maybe I was on some type of hidden-camera game show. (Perhaps I’m a little paranoid. Can’t help it. People are crazy out here.)

My point is that, in general, people don’t just go around handing out expensive gifts. Those usually don’t come until there has been a serious time and emotional investment in the relationship. So, if the two of you have yet to establish a relationship to invest in, what is he doing spending all this money?  Doesn’t seem sincere. Seems more like he’s trying to impress you or buy his way into your pants–probably both.

Ladies, we’ve got to let men know we’re not for sale. You can’t just take me on a shopping spree and get instant access to my body. It doesn’t work that way. Well, it shouldn’t work that way, but unfortunately for a lot of women, it does. We get so happy about the shoes he bought us, or the Hawaii trip he took us on, that we don’t even take the time to truly evaluate whether or not this man will make a good partner, the type that is looking for something lasting. Then, a month later, when he’s moved on to the next PYT that caught his eye, we’re left with an attitude, a broken heart, and a bunch of Facebook statuses that say things like “Uhh, just wanna curl up and cry. FML. Niggas ain’t sh_t! (sad face, sad face).”

Here’s something you should know: When you’re ready to be in a real relationship with someone that has some serious potential, you won’t be easily swayed. You’ll save the gift giving for later and focus on getting to know who this man is, not what he can buy (or charge). Here’s something else you should know: A man who is looking for a serious relationship isn’t going to just shower you with expensive gifts right off the bat. Sure, he’ll take you to dinner and all the other usual things like that, but he’s not going to start investing serious money in you until he knows you’re worth his investment. A good man doesn’t want to risk spending up all his hard-earned money on the wrong woman. He’ll take it slow, which is what you should be doing also.   And if he’s rich and has money to throw around, chances are he’ll probably try to play it low key to make sure you’re not a gold digger. So, either way, quick spending is a tell tail sign that he is NOT serious and only looking for something quick, fleeting and fun.  Save yourself a lot of heartache and don’t let the flashy money fool you.

~Nadirah Angail

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6 thoughts on “On the Expensive Thing He Bought You and Why It Don’t Mean…

  1. Khairiya February 17, 2011 / 8:28 am

    Sis! Thank you for writing this, I’m definitely going to share it. There are WAY too many females that are putting themselves out there over things like this. I don’t know if it’s easier for them to be oblivious to the lack of sense the situation makes, or if they truly don’t care because they want so bad to be “the one” to someone. Even if it’s in their own mind. It reminds me of the women who have children with a man to “keep him”. Artificial things and ideas do not constitute a serious relationship. As you said it takes time, emotion, and a lot of other things including patience- which 99% of the time “Mr. Man” does not have. His agenda won’t allow you to sit around and make the most out of the time. This needed to be said so thank you again for being so on point as always. Please educate these females Nadirah!!

  2. Scott February 4, 2013 / 2:25 pm

    I just fell upon this post because of my current situation, and wondering what’s going on in the other half of the equation. To sum it up, my gf and I were living together for a year, we were good and happy 99% of the time, but there was one issue that kept coming up time to time, and that was me not having a stable income. I’m self employed, and business fluctuates. Last year was a tough one, and it put a strain on us. In October, she asked me to move out and broke up with me. I left November 4th, and then we started hanging out again 9 days later. She also had her ex at the place because he broke his arm and she was taking care of him. They have a kid together, and he never knew about me. Well, we were spending time together, and she even stayed at my place for a week in December. Come January, the ex found out about me, and I knew something was up because she all of a sudden went quiet and didn’t text me back from 9:30am till after midnight. I saw her a couple days later, and she ended up coming over and spending the night two nights in a row. At that same time, this comedian we saw together hit her up on Facebook. Now, this is where my confusion starts. A few things she always was very strict about;

    1. She would only date white guys (She’s Filipino)
    2. Gave me crap about never having my own place without roommates.
    3. Hated basketball (this makes sense soon, I promise.)
    4. We were going to move to LA last year, but she decided it wouldn’t work because of her daughter and school.
    5. Tried dating older guys before, and realized we worked a lot better. (I’m 1 year 3 days older than her.)

    So, this comedian is;

    1. Filipino
    2. Lives with his mom
    3. Huge Lakers fan, and the day after they met in person, he took her to LA to a Lakers game, and now she watches basketball.
    4. Lives in LA, and now she is talking about getting a job up there 2 days a week, and wanting to move soon.
    5. Is 13 years older than her (44)

    I don’t get how someone can switch their whole belief system in just 2 weeks of talking. They began talking on Jan 13th, he did a show down here on the 24th which is when they finally met, and she had a room at the Hard Rock. The next day he drove her up to LA, they got a hotel by the Staples Center, posted a picture with her in the background on Instagram and Facebook, and bought her a jersey. Since then she has driven up there once that I know of, and he has come down here a couple times. So it’s been a week and 2 days since they met, and he came down last night and spent the night, and bought her an iPad Mini…. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t seem right. And to top it off, when he posted that picture, his ex saw it, blew his phone up, and left a comment on Facebook. I think there is more to the Ex story than he is telling her. But then again, she also has lied to him about what she really does for a living.

    This girl is the love of my life, and I know I probably sound like an idiot after viewing what the situation is like. But one of the biggest things I miss is her daughter. She and I bonded really strong, and I went more than 2 months not seeing her until this past week, when I hung out with them twice. On Friday she texted me and then called, because she had it out with her Ex, and was balling.. I left my shop, and took her and her daughter out to dinner and then desert. I let her talk it out, and I was being supportive for her. Her sister told her to drive to LA to “see your boo thang before he leaves.” Because he’s going to the Philippines tomorrow for 2 weeks. My friends say don’t worry about them, because it’s not going to last. They have been rushing into this hard, and I know they probably slept together the first night. I guess I’m just trying to see if it seems like this is moving really fast toward the end, or if the fact that they have that distance will keep them tied? The worst part is that I was a fan of this guy, and we used to quote him all the time, and I took her and two friends to go see him in July.

    I’m sorry for the long post, I think I just needed to be able to clear my mind and putting it to words seems to help. If anyone has any insight or things I can do to try and win her back, please let me know. I’m not desperate, and I have started trying to date, but nothing is peeking my interest. I don’t want our old relationship back, I want to build a new, stronger one. She has told me that she loves me, and that she cares for me. And back on Christmas morning she told me she missed me. I know we broke up technically in October, even though we were still hanging out as if we were together, so to me it feels like she is in a serious rebound. Especially considering the fact that the day he wrote her, she was curled in my arms. Would you say she still wants to be with me, but is keeping me on the back burner as a source of comfort? I am her only true friend, and the only one she can talk to about her day, because even her family doesn’t know what she really does for a living. I have been letting her text or call me lately, and I’ve been noticing some changes. I have an exhaust leak on my car that almost killed me 2 weeks ago, and on Saturday night, I didn’t respond to one of her texts, and she ended up texting me the next morning asking if I was ok, and then called me too. I called her back, and she said she had been worried about me because of the leak. She did the same thing this morning too, and said that she worries every time I go quiet on her, and that it’s been exhausting her.

    I’m rambling now, so I’ll stop. But even if I don’t get a response or advice back, I want to say thank you for your article, and allowing me to chance to get all this out of my head. It helps.

    -S

  3. N. Angail February 7, 2013 / 2:55 pm

    Scott,

    Thanks for writing. I’m going to be completely honest here because I think anything less would be a disservice to you.

    From what you’ve described, it sounds like she’s just not that into you. I understand that she is the “love of your life,” but it sounds like she is completely PLAYING YOU, and you are allowing it. You’re the fall-back guy: the kind, sweet gentleman she knows will always be there no matter how many times she messes up. You’re her warm and comfy blanket she pulls out when she’s feeling cold. When she warms up, you go in the closet and she goes out to have more fun.

    If you know she’s spending time with another guy, why are you letting her come and stay at your house? And if you guys were happy 99 percent of the time, why didn’t she tell her ex about you? He’s the father of her child. If she was serious about you, she’d definitely let him know.

    You mentioned a list of things she doesn’t like and then said she’s still seeing the other guy even though he is exactly what she claims to dislike. That’s because he’s just a fling. He’s probably fun to be around and that’s all she really wants right now. She probably has no serious interest in him, so it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t meet her criteria.

    You sound like a very sweet guy, but you’re allowing your feelings for her to cause you to make bad choices. I’ll tell you like I tell women: It is your job to look out for YOUR OWN BEST INTEREST. Dating a women (even one you love) who is outright disrespecting you in this way is not helping you, at all. Yes, she makes you feel good when she’s with you, but when she’s gone, you’re left wondering what what wrong, wondering why she isn’t calling. You’re voluntarily stepping into her emotional roller coaster. You need to get off. I know you have a good relationship with her daughter, but you can’t be anything to her daughter if the mother isn’t acting right.

    She is doing all this because you make it easy for her to do so. If you really mean something to her, she’ll stop if you give her no choice. Step back. Don’t call or text. If she calls or texts you, let her know (respectfully) that you no longer have time for her games. Leave it there. Don’t give a long explanation because that would only give her a chance to talk you our of it. Besides, she knows exactly what she’s doing. This won’t be easy. You’ll want to give in, but it is the first step in standing up for yourself and claiming your right to happiness and respect.

    Hope this helps,

    Nadirah

  4. Marie February 11, 2013 / 10:37 am

    Hey! I found this post because it relates to a current situation and you sound like you have a great handle on intentions and relationships. I was wondering if you (or anyone) had any advice to give.

    So I run a webcomic on the internet, and it’s become mildly successful in its genre. I have this one fan who has been following it since the beginning (October) and we chit-chat back and forth through the ask feature of the host website.

    A couple months ago, this fan expressed that he very much enjoyed my work and wanted to donate $50 to me just as a gift of appreciation. I had a friend who runs a different comic and had also received $25 from this same person for the same reason. So, I put up a donation button and he sent it to me.

    Since October, this same guy has donated over $200 to me and is now expressing interest in purchasing a gift that will cost over $900.

    I’m not really sure what to think of this. All he knows of me is my age and that I’m a woman- I’ve never revealed any pictures of myself or other personal information, we’ve only ever chatted on instant messaging systems.

    I’m a little creeped out just because dropping over a grand on someone you’ve only known (through sparse interactions on the internet) for four months seems pretty crazy.

    He’s never asked for anything in return or expressed any unfounded romantic interest, but I’m worried that by accepting these gifts, maybe I’m unintentionally encouraging something? That I’m digging myself into some sort of ‘debt’ that he might expect me to ‘repay’ down the road? Is there some way I can clear the waters without offending him? Because I can’t tell if he’s just a wealthy guy who’s generous with his money or if he’s someone potentially more dangerous.

    Thanks!

    • N. Angail February 16, 2013 / 8:09 pm

      Marie,

      You are right to be creeped out. First, I have a few questions. Does he know you and the other artist are friends? What kinds of things do you two talk about? Does he also have chitchat with your friend? Has he ever said anything that made you uncomfortable?

      Whether he is a weirdo or just a wealthy man with an appreciation for your work, you have to make it clear that your relationship is a business one. It’s one thing to donate on your site, but to buy a $900 gift? What kind of gift? That seems inappropriate. Is it something for you personally or your business?

      Perhaps you should discontinue the small talk and let him know, “While I appreciate your contributions, I do not feel comfortable accepting anything more than a monetary donation. All monies donated are specifically for my business, not me personally. I don’t accept personal gifts and will not encourage or entertain any behavior that is outside the realm of a business transaction. Please understand my need for professionalism and complete transparency. Thank you.”

      You don’t have to say that exactly, but you want it to be very professional in nature, just to let him know you’re not some naïve little girl who will be manipulated. If, after that message, he still continues to donate, do what you feel is best. Trust your instincts. If you feel okay accepting the money, okay. If you don’t, refund it and ask him to stop.

      If he really is some perv trying to butter you up, he’ll move on once he sees he isn’t going to get anywhere with you. If he is a wealthy benefactor, he will understand your concern know that you are only protecting your best interests.

      P.S. I am also posting this on my Facebook page so that others can offer their opinion as well.

      Hope this helps,
      Nadirah

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