On Beautiful Sexless Relationships

Usually, when you read articles about couples that aren’t having sex, it’s far from beautiful. You usually get sobering stats on the percent of undersexed couples followed by a list of relationship-destroying effects. Lastly (to reinstate some hope and lure the reader back from the edge) the writer finishes up with some fun tips on how to get things steamy again. I’m not knocking these articles. I believe and support them, so much so that I’ve already written something similar about the  importance of sex. This article, however, takes a different stance.

You may be wondering what kind of benefit could come from not having sex. Well, tons if you’re not married. Sex, as wonderful as it is, can actually be a detriment to the relationships of unmarried couples. Before you roll your eyes and exit out of this screen, give me a chance. I have no intention of approaching this from a religious standpoint. I’m certain you’ve heard that speech and have already made your mind up one way or the other. My approach is practical and deals specifically with the current-life effects sex can have on unmarried couples.

Most of us aren’t aware of it, but the process of falling in love has a lot to do with brain stimulation and hormones. When you first meet a new love interest, neurochemicals like adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine are released in the brains. They are the reason you get so excited when you see that certain someone and can’t stop thinking about them. You know that fluttery feeling you get in your belly just from seeing your new boo? Those are neurochemicals at work. They make us feel like this person is the coolest, sexiest thing on earth, capable of no wrong. Basically, these chemicals intoxicate us with what I like to call “beginner’s love” and cause us to view our new mates with rose-colored glasses. And all this happens before the sex.

Introduce sex into the picture and you get a whole new ball game. Enter the powerful hormone oxytocin. This little guy is nature’s own “feel good” drug, and it creates the type of rush cocaine addicts feign for. It’s released during breastfeeding (which explains why breastfeeding babies seem so content while latched on) and during and after childbirth to help the mother recover from the pain and bond with the child. It’s also released during sex, if you hadn’t guessed already. This powerful cocktail of brain activity can lead us to think even the biggest loser in town is the our Mr./Mrs. Right.

I’m sure you or someone you know has uttered the following words: “I’d leave but the sex is just so good.” Sex can cloud our thinking and make us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do. We get so wrapped up in that great feeling that we’re willing to put up with his consistent joblessness or  her cheating ways.  Or maybe it’s not that bad. Perhaps your mate does have a job and doesn’t cheat (congrats on that), but you still just don’t get along that well. You argue all the time and have little in common. Without the physical aspect of the relationship, it become obvious you two should part ways, but with it, things get difficult. When couples decide to hold off on sex, they have no choice but to focus on the more important aspects of compatibility and life style. It may sound hard to do (or even impossible to some) but the benefits are worth the sacrifice.

~Nadirah Angail

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3 thoughts on “On Beautiful Sexless Relationships

  1. Erica @ Acire Adventures February 2, 2011 / 11:42 am

    This is an interesting take on things. While I don’t have a neuro-biological explanation for it, sometimes I think having sex too early can kill the early magic and attraction of a relationship. If you round the bases on the first date, you don’t leave a whole lot of the fun of discovering things as you go for later on. Also, sex-charged relationships sometimes mean that you forget important things like protection. If sex is keeping you blind to some of your partner’s lesser qualities, the last thing you want is to have a permanent bond with them because of a child. OR worse, to contract a disease because Mr./Mrs. Right is just as passionate with other partners.

    I think that people who are not married or in serious relationships should think a little harder about the benefits and draw backs of a sexual relationship. Thanks for the interesting article!

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