Tag Archives: unhealthy relationships

On the Loves Of Our Lives and Why They Rarely Deserve That Title

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Years ago, I heard comedian Steve Harvey talking about how women often use the phrase “love of my life” to refer to men who in no way deserve the title. I completely agree, so much so that his words stuck with me all these years and inspired this post. In general, there is nothing wrong with having a “love of your life,” but you have to be careful with whom you allow to fill that space.

“But you can’t choose the love of your life. He just is.” That’s what you were thinking, weren’t you? This is how we’ve been conditioned, to be passive participants in our heart’s affairs, to be mere spectators that can only watch, not do. It is true that you can feel more connected to one person than you do others, but that isn’t a good enough reason for you to stay connected to a man who doesn’t deserve you. “Love of my life” is a term we choose to apply to someone.  And too often, we choose to apply it to those with whom we have had the most turbulent and unhealthy relationships.

“Girl, I know he’s no good for me, but he’s the love of my life… I always go back.”

“I would leave, but he’s the love of my life. You know how that goes…”

“This is crazy! I can’t get over him! He’s the love of my life.”

You’ve probably heard (or spoken) these phrases before. It seems “love of my life” has become synonymous with “the person that I allow to continually hurt me.” It doesn’t matter how many years you have invested, how intertwined you feel your hearts have become, or how drop-dead gorgeous he may be. If he has proven himself time and time again that he is NOT able to treat you how you want to be treated and NOT able to provide you with the mental and emotional stimulation you need, he has no business being called the love of your life (or any other term of endearment you can think of). It really is that simple.

We make it complicated when we listen to the damaged parts of ourselves that have somehow become addicted to the diseased dynamics of these relationships. “Yes, he cheats on me, but we have such a strong connection.” “True, he’s not really what I want in a husband, but it’s been 5 years and I really love him.” In the words of Tina Turner, what’s love got to do with it? We have an obligation to ourselves to be the best person possible and to surround ourselves with others who will help us in that pursuit. A good man will do that.

Unfortunately, a lot of the men we call the “loves of our lives” aren’t doing that. In fact, they’re doing the exact opposite. They sidetrack and discourage us from reaching our better selves by occupying our time and thoughts with all sorts of *pauses to think of a fitting word* foolishness.

The love of your life should be the person who has had the best affect on you, the person that helped you reach a new level of understanding and happiness, the person who has been a true asset in your life. Don’t use the term as an excuse to go back to a loser. Don’t let it be the nail in the coffin that seals your fate as an unhappy woman.

~Nadirah Angail

On Why You'll Probably Always Be in Bad Relationships

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You can learn a lot from Facebook, a whole lot. Every time we update our statuses, we flash quick rays of light into the corners of our minds, momentarily exposing their inner workings. Some of the things we expose are insignificant, others are rather telling, like messages about your relationship.

My heart goes out to the  perpetually troubled, because I know that has got to be a hectic place to be in. Consciously, I’m sure you hate the drama and dream of something better, but subconsciously, you enjoy it. Either because it is all you know or all you think you deserve, you’ve gotten comfortable with the fights, the distrust, the lies, and the  whole “up and down” nature of  it all. It’s familiar, and, oh, how we love the feeling of familiarity.

You don’t get something different from just wanting it. You’ve got to actually do something different. We all have patterns of being, ways of doing things, ways of thinking.  And these patterns are either conducive or non-conducive to the goals we’ve set and the lives we want to lead. I doubt anyone has  ”being in a bad relationship ” as a goal, but, for many of us,  our  patterns of being  anchor us to that type of experience. Look at your current and past relationships. If you find that you continually end up in the same type of situations with the same type of person, at some point you’ve got to accept that fact that the common denominator is always you.

You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you allow into your life. More importantly, you can control what you invite into your life. Of all the good and bad energies floating around out there, you invite certain ones in, depending on the energy you emit. The way you talk, think, dress and act all contribute to your personal energy. If your energy is of fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity or false confidence, you will attract a person who feeds on that type of energy (most likely a user who will take advantage of your weaknesses). If your energy is of worth, strength, happiness, peace, love, appreciation, or genuine confidence, you will attract a person who feeds on those qualities.

But all this means nothing to you. You’re not into all that “theoretical, philosophical mumbo jumbo.” You like to deal with concrete realities, so let’s get concrete. The guy that you’re with now. You knew a long time ago he wasn’t the one.  You either heard things about him through the grapevine  or felt something about him from his presence, but you went along with it anyway. You’ve probably convinced yourself that “it is not that bad,” or “he’ll change when he see how good of a woman I am.”  The truth is that he’ll change only when he absolutely has to, when he realizes his current behavior will no longer get him what he wants, but you’re not ready to hear that yet. You’re thinking about how cute he is or how good he can make you feel. You’re thinking about  how fun he can be (when he’s acting right) or how happy you are just to be with someone. That’s your focus, and that’s why you’re in a bad relationship.

You want something better, but you’re not quite ready to go get it. You’re not even sure how to get it or what it would be like to have it. What you do know is what you’ve got. It’s the same thing you’ve always had, and it’s comfortable.  Even through the pain and emotional strain, it’s comfortable. One day–maybe even today–you’ll realize that comfortable isn’t always good. You’ll realize that getting the love you want means giving it to yourself first. And you’ll realize that all your bad relationships aren’t a coincidence or a curse, but a result of your own doings.

~Nadirah Angail

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