Tag Archives: success

On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Men

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*This is the third installment in the What They Should Know series.  Click here to read the final installment, On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Boys. Click here to read the second installment.*

photo credit: photostockYou thought I forgot about you, didn’t you? You saw all the writing I do for and about women and figured I must not have much to say to you. WRONG. Come on over here. Let’s chat a while.

I know there are challenges to being a young man. You get contradictory messages that encourage you to be one way and then punish you for following instructions. You’re told, on one hand, “Hey, you’re young and you’re a guy. You’re SUPPOSED to be immature, irresponsible and oversexed. Anything less would be uncivilized.” On the other hand, you’re called a deadbeat and a loser when you walk in the shoes that have been laid out for you. It’s no secret; you’ve been set up to fail.

That’s why you’ve got to think for yourself and be the amazing man God made you to be, not the distraction you can so easily become. You see, when a man isn’t good to himself, he is distracted from developing his mind, his talents and abilities. When he isn’t good to his wife, he distracts her from carrying happiness in her heart and sharing that happiness with others. When he isn’t good to his children, he distracts them from being confident and aware of the potential they possess. I’ll admit, there is a lot of responsibility laid on your back, but that’s what you’ve got those big, broad shoulders for.

I hate (and I mean truly hate) to see young men wasting their lives on partying and girl chasing. When I see it, it bothers me–to the point where I want to shake you! Not a cute, loving little shake, but the strongest, head-bobbling shake my weak little arms can muster. And while I’m shaking, I want to yell, “Do you know what you’re capable of? Don’t you know you could be an attentive husband, an involved father, a generous boss or a promising employee? Don’t you know you’re so much better than this?” Obviously, women aren’t the only ones who can waste their treasures.

People seem to have such high expectations for women,  but men are allowed to do and be whatever. Sorry, buddy, but I can’t accept that, especially now that I have a son. I’ll hold him to the same high standard I hold you to, and I’ll remind him of the strength that he possesses. Not the physical strength (though there is importance there too) but the mental and spiritual strength that allows you all to be natural leaders. But really, my standards don’t matter much. It’s your own that make all the difference.

My father set the bar high, so I never fell for that “men ain’t sh_t” mess.  It just doesn’t fit in my world. I pray it doesn’t fit in yours either. I pray you don’t drink the “men are supposed to be immature and selfish” Kool-Aid. That stuff is no good. Causes cavities, and a distorted image of self. Hopefully you have a father guiding you in the right direction, but if you don’t, you are still capable. Locked within you, perhaps beneath some anger and sadness, is a light that shines brighter than you could ever imagine. It is more than strong enough to warm your heart and your hands, so never think you are left out in the cold. It is magical and ordinary, resilient and fragile.

I beg of you, young man, please let it shine.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Surviving the Mean Time

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You know how it goes: You make plans for how you think things are going to go, you get really excited because you actually think it’s going to go that way, you start working on making it go that way, then you get discouraged when it does not go that way. I’m pretty sure I just described some aspect of your life. Maybe it’s your relationship, finances, career, family or some other personal issue, but you have to be able to relate at least a teeny weeny bit. I know this is part of your reality because there seems to be a built-in human tendency to lose our motivation quickly. What’s up with that? It’s like we have all the energy, passion and drive in the world until things get rough. Then, all of a sudden, we’re giving up left and right. How uncool.

Anything worth having is worth working for. You’ve heard that before and have probably said it to someone else in a pep talk or two, but have you really taken it to heart? Have you said it to yourself? There are so many things we fail at only because we stopped putting forth effort just at the time it was needed most. That’s ugly failure and it’s unacceptable. Well, it should be unacceptable, and maybe it is in a perfect world, but in our world, we’ve accepted it. We’ve allowed ourselves to believe the pitiful excuses that chop our legs right out from beneath us.

“I tried to lose this weight, but I’m just so busy.”

“I tried to open that business, but no one would invest.”

“I tried to save that money, but I have too many expenses.”

What excuses have you made? I’ll let you fill in the blank this time. I tried to_________, but________. Now that we’ve gotten our excuses out there, let’s look at them. Did you really try that hard, or did you just give up because it was hard? I know my answer. I bet you could guess. I’ve wasted so many opportunities to succeed at various things because I allowed myself to create and believe excuses. Shame on me. Shame, I say.

It would be a different case if I had failed honorably. Honorable failure–the kind where you genuinely give it everything you have, but God still steers you in another direction–is cool. It’s the new black. It’s cooler than skinny jeans. Why? Because of the priceless lessons you get out of it. When you fail at something honorably, you get to see how strong you are, how much wherewithal you have, and what not to do next time. These are all precious gems that ugly failure does not offer. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the former let their failures inspire them while the latter let their failures stop them. We must all abandon the latter group.

While success is always the long-term goal, the immediate goal should be… (drum roll, please)… consistency. This is the stuff your dreams are made off. Consistency isn’t glamorous or cute. In fact, it’s pretty low key. It’s nothing more than a stubborn dedication to keep going, period. Regardless of how hard it gets, regardless of how unmotivated you may be feeling in the moment, regardless of everything that threatens your willingness to continue, consistency makes you keep going. It doesn’t worry if you don’t see the results immediately. It doesn’t worry if it’s taking longer than you anticipated. It just keeps stepping, knowing that, no matter how small the steps may be, they’re still moving you closer to the grand prize you seek.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Monsters Under the Bed: How Fear Inhibits our Success

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Monster under the bed

Leah Warkentin

You know how some people are really wild sleepers, limbs hanging all off the bed and whatnot? I’m not like that. Never have been.  I always make sure everything is safe and sound within the confines of my Sealy Posturpedic. When I was young (around 7 or 8), I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something lurking under that bed that wouldn’t hesitate to snap off any stray fingers or toes that tempted it. I wasn’t sure what, but in my mind it resembled an alligator. It’ s not that I actually believed anything was under there–I already knew the real deal on monsters, the Boogie Man, the Tooth Fairy and all them–but still, the feeling was there.

Even now as an adult, I can still relate to that uneasy feelings, and in more ways than the obvious. Sure, I still keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, but (on a deeper level) I also play it safe when it comes to pursuing new and important things. I think we all do. Well, not all of us. There are those fearless few who go for it and continue to go for it–despite temporary defeat– until their dreamed success becomes real (think P. Diddy, Donald Trump, Tyler Perry, Steve Jobs) but many of us remain frozen, trapped on that bed, scared to even expose a toe.

There are so many of us with ideas we’d like to enact, but you’d never know it. We keep it to ourselves, perhaps mention it as a joke here and there, and then let it whither and die. Langston Hughes already posed the question about a dream deferred, but we still seem eager to find out for ourselves. In the (modified) words of Rick James, “Fear is a hell of a drug.” And it’s not so much the fear of failure itself. It’s the fear of failing in front of THEM. “Who is ‘them’?” you ask. Them is everyone. It’s your parents, your siblings, your friends, your enemies, your Facebook fam, your Twitter followers, your husband, your wife, your boo,  your neighbors, your kids, your mailman, your neighborhood grocery store bag boy… It’s everyone that isn’t you.

If we could attempt our dreams in secret and let no one be the wiser, many of us would. That way, if and when we fail, there’d be no eyes watching, no record of it ever happening. But, as we all know, that’s not how it works. When you go after something you want, and I mean truly go after it with intensity and intent, you have no choice but to step off the bed. You have to put yourself out there, taking the chance that everyone may see you crash and burn.

And why is that such a bad thing? Sure, its embarrassing, but it’s a part of life and a learning experience. In the (unmodified) words of Albert Einstein, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” So, so what if they watch you fail. Hopefully, they’ve watched themselves fail, too. If not, they’re clearly not the type of people you want to concern yourself with. “Those who spend their time laughing at and criticizing others invest little time in themselves.” I came up with that one myself, but it’s just as true.

The best of those around you will encourage you to get up and keep going. They’ll encourage you to be like van Gogh. Most everyone has seen his famed Starry Night. (We used to have a printing of it in our living room.) But, most people don’t know that of all the paintings van Gogh completed, he only sold one in his lifetime, and it wasn’t even Starry Night. Sadly, it wasn’t until after his death that he gained his current fame.  I don’t tell this story to be depressing, but to exemplify true dedication. He didn’t let his many unsold paintings keep him from painting another. He didn’t let the discouraging words he undoubtedly received stop him from doing what he loved. He had a deep passion for painting, and so he did that. For this, the art world is eternally grateful. I need to have that van Gogh dedication. You need to have that van Gogh dedication. We all need it. It’s the only way to get where we want to be.

~Nadirah Angail

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