Tag Archives: signs of unhealthy relationship

On 20 Signs That They’re Just Not That Into You

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Tons of people have seen the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, and tons more have read the book. Still, there seems to be a good number of people who just aren’t getting the message. I’m all about progress and forward movement. For some people, that movement cannot–I repeat, CANNOT– occur until they realize a few things. So, here I am to help with those realizations.

If your significant other…

  • seems less interested in you than you are in them
  • avoids questions about the future of your relationship
  • is very flirty with other people and has no problem doing it in your face
  • doesn’t make time for you and always claims they’re “too busy”
  • only calls you late at night
  • has no interest in getting to know your family, despite the fact that you’ve let them know how important it is to you
  • can’t seem to keep their phone number out of the hands of other women/men
  • gives you the feelings that you’re just one on a list of many
  • ignores your calls
  • seems moody and only wants to be around you when it suits them
  • gives you the feeling that you’re being used
  • tries to hit on your friends
  • makes no effort to be nice to your friends
  • makes only minimal effort to be nice to you
  • would burst into laughter if you said you wanted to be celibate
  • doesn’t make you feel wanted, appreciated
  • makes you feel like a burden
  • isn’t there when you really need them
  • doesn’t introduce you to his friends and family
  • doesn’t make it crystal clear just how much you mean to them

…then they’re just not that into you. Sorry to say it, but you should leave this person alone and let them go on their merry way. If you found yourself shaking your head in agreement with many of the things on this list, you should reevaluate your relationship to see if its truly benefiting your life.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Why You'll Probably Always Be in Bad Relationships

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You can learn a lot from Facebook, a whole lot. Every time we update our statuses, we flash quick rays of light into the corners of our minds, momentarily exposing their inner workings. Some of the things we expose are insignificant, others are rather telling, like messages about your relationship.

My heart goes out to the  perpetually troubled, because I know that has got to be a hectic place to be in. Consciously, I’m sure you hate the drama and dream of something better, but subconsciously, you enjoy it. Either because it is all you know or all you think you deserve, you’ve gotten comfortable with the fights, the distrust, the lies, and the  whole “up and down” nature of  it all. It’s familiar, and, oh, how we love the feeling of familiarity.

You don’t get something different from just wanting it. You’ve got to actually do something different. We all have patterns of being, ways of doing things, ways of thinking.  And these patterns are either conducive or non-conducive to the goals we’ve set and the lives we want to lead. I doubt anyone has  ”being in a bad relationship ” as a goal, but, for many of us,  our  patterns of being  anchor us to that type of experience. Look at your current and past relationships. If you find that you continually end up in the same type of situations with the same type of person, at some point you’ve got to accept that fact that the common denominator is always you.

You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you allow into your life. More importantly, you can control what you invite into your life. Of all the good and bad energies floating around out there, you invite certain ones in, depending on the energy you emit. The way you talk, think, dress and act all contribute to your personal energy. If your energy is of fear, anger, anxiety, insecurity or false confidence, you will attract a person who feeds on that type of energy (most likely a user who will take advantage of your weaknesses). If your energy is of worth, strength, happiness, peace, love, appreciation, or genuine confidence, you will attract a person who feeds on those qualities.

But all this means nothing to you. You’re not into all that “theoretical, philosophical mumbo jumbo.” You like to deal with concrete realities, so let’s get concrete. The guy that you’re with now. You knew a long time ago he wasn’t the one.  You either heard things about him through the grapevine  or felt something about him from his presence, but you went along with it anyway. You’ve probably convinced yourself that “it is not that bad,” or “he’ll change when he see how good of a woman I am.”  The truth is that he’ll change only when he absolutely has to, when he realizes his current behavior will no longer get him what he wants, but you’re not ready to hear that yet. You’re thinking about how cute he is or how good he can make you feel. You’re thinking about  how fun he can be (when he’s acting right) or how happy you are just to be with someone. That’s your focus, and that’s why you’re in a bad relationship.

You want something better, but you’re not quite ready to go get it. You’re not even sure how to get it or what it would be like to have it. What you do know is what you’ve got. It’s the same thing you’ve always had, and it’s comfortable.  Even through the pain and emotional strain, it’s comfortable. One day–maybe even today–you’ll realize that comfortable isn’t always good. You’ll realize that getting the love you want means giving it to yourself first. And you’ll realize that all your bad relationships aren’t a coincidence or a curse, but a result of your own doings.

~Nadirah Angail

You can find other essays like this in my new book “On All the Things That Make Me Beautiful” BUY NOW

On the Ridiculous Twilight Craze

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I wasn’t excited by the magical wizard boy either. I’m just not into fantasy. I prefer things that could really happen. I don’t care if it’s far fetched and extremely unlikely, as long as there is a chance–at least the tiniest possibility–that this could actually happen somewhere to somebody. So when a book-turned-movie about a love triangle between a girl, a vampire and a werewolf hit the scene, I was SO not interested.

After the millionth “OMG. Twilight is my life!” Facebook update, I caved. My dad (also pulled in by all the hype) had rented the movie, so I decided to pop it in. I tried to like it, guys. I really did. I set all my skepticism on the back shelf and tried to enjoy and be captivated like everyone else.

It didn’t work.

In defense of the movie, I will say that I only saw the second one, so that could have something to do with it, but I doubt it. Even without seeing the first one, I was able to follow the storyline pretty well. They did a good job of including enough back story to make the second one relevant to anyone who hasn’t seen the first. It was that whole Bella-Edward dynamic (Is that even his name? I get those guys mixed up?) that bothered me.

I get that she’s young and inexperienced. I get that she’s kind of awkward and doesn’t feel like she really fits in. I get that she sees him as her “vampire in shining armor”, but their relationship is all kinds of unhealthy. I think teens crave the drama of it all. “He’s so hot. She loves him SOOOOOO much. What a dream! I wish I was Bella!”  It seems every questioning, insecure young girl can identify with this character, and her intense love for the “hot” vampire represents that over-the-top romanticized love we’re all fed from birth on. (I put “hot” in quotes because, as hard as I try, I just can’t jump on the “corpse-white, slight-attitude-having vampire” bandwagon.)

You guys know me by now. I’m all about healthy, realistic messages of love. I’m not entertained by scenes of a young girl literally willing to give up her life and soul (her words, not mine) to be with someone who isn’t even of the same species. I’m all for deep, fervent love, but this is crazy. It seems girls are encouraged to lose themselves in love. From the fairytale movies of our childhood, to the pop culture images of our teen years, we are programmed to seek a type of volatile, obsessive love that cannot be managed or contained. This is a serious problem. They start off as harmless teen crushes that usually fade away, but they grow into the troubled relationships that seem to mar the lives of so many women. We grow so dependent on the love (read: validation) of a man that all of our normally-functioning faculties seem to go on vacation.

As Beyonce sings about being “Crazy in love,” quite literally, we experience it. When things are going well, life is grand and we feel like we’re on Cloud 9. Once they go bad, we spiral into a “can’t eat/can’t do anything but eat, can’t sleep/can’t do anything but sleep” type depression that puts a huge rain cloud over our entire lives. Am I exaggerating? You know I’m not. You’ve been through it. I’ve been through it. We all have, but never again.  We must all remember that, until God says otherwise, life goes on, and it is our job to make it the best, most fulfilling life possible.

~Nadirah Angail
nadirahangail.com