Tag Archives: self esteem

On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Boys

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*This is the fourth and final installment in the What They Should Know series.  Click here to read the third installment.*

image credit: hinnamsaisuyBoys, boys, boys,

You little guys sure do keep us parents on our toes. You’ve got the type of energy companies wish they could bottle and sell. Shoot, I wish I could bottle and sell it! That would be a money maker for sure.

I have to apologize for some of the things you’ve been told.  You’ve probably already heard the sayings, ” Stop crying. Be a man” and “Stop being a girl.” They give the impression that in order to be accepted and liked, in order to be a real man, you have to be hard and without emotion, and  you absolutely CANNOT–under any circumstances– be a girl (i.e. weak).

Well, take it from me, girls are not weak and neither are you. It is literally in your DNA to be strong. That’s not a metaphor. I’m being serious here. I’m talking straight up fact. As you get older and develop, you’ll see just what I mean, but for now you’ll just have to trust me.

The common representation of masculinity (look it up if you don’t understand that word) is all wrong. It focuses on the look of manliness. It tells you to be big, bad and rough, just to make sure there’s no confusion. That’s not what it means to be a man. Real men don’t use their strength to hurt others, they use it to protect. And real men understand that taking the time to build their mental muscles is just as important as building their physical ones.

Your going to come across a lot of ideas in your life, and many of them will be silly, dangerous and flat-out wrong. You’ll need to be intelligent enough to avoid those. So many young boys get off to a bad start because they follow in the footsteps of men who never fully developed. Sure, they may look like adults, but on the inside they’re no wiser than you. Is that what you want, to grow up and still have the mind of a child? Of course you don’t, and you won’t. You know better.

There may be some boys at your school who say doing your work and being smart isn’t cool. Those boys are wrong. Like, really, really wrong. If I had to take a guess, I’d say those boys don’t feel smart themselves, and so they’re trying to make you feel as badly as they do. Don’t fall for it, because in the real world, the so-called nerds are the ones making all the moves (and money).

So keep getting those A’s and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. The adult you will be so much better off because of it. But for now, you’re a little boy. You probably like worms and race cars , and you might think girls are a little… weird. That’s fine, as long as you know they’re not weak and neither are you.

~Nadirah Angail

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On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Girls

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*This is the second installment in the What They Should Know series.  Come back next Tuesday for the third installment, On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Men. Click here to read the first installment.*

photo credit: Rosen GeorgievHey beautiful babies,

I want you to know that it’s okay to live your life in “play.” No need to press fast-forward. When you get older, you’ll discover that there is no rewind button, so don’t rush.  Ask an adult. They’ll tell you how much they wish they could go back to your age, back when they had no worries, no bills and no job to report to.  Childhood is a vacation that gets your ready for adulthood. Enjoy it.

Don’t look to the shows on Nickelodeon, and Disney Channel (and TV in general)  to understand who and how you should be. Look to the people that love you most: your parents and family. They are the ones that know you are absolutely enough just as you are–without the makeup, without the grown hair styles, without the high heels and skinny jeans and, most definitely, without the  padded bikinis.

Right now, you’re a little girl, probably with missing teeth, chubby cheeks and a messy ponytail that you hate to get combed. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more that  okay. It’s what you are supposed to be. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

It is NOT  your job to try to look older, or to get boys to like you, or to fit in with the mean girls at school. Your job is to LEARN as much as you can so you can grow up to be  smart, well-rounded and cool. Yes, I said cool. That’s important too, you know. Not because you’ll need to try to impress other people, but because you’ll be a woman–the coolest creature on earth!

I must warn you though. You’ll probably come across some people who will try to convince you that women and girls aren’t super cool. They’ll try to make you believe that your only purpose is to be pretty. They’ll tell you you’re not intelligent, that your opinion doesn’t matter and that you better do everything you can think of to make men like you. Can you believe that foolishness? I sure can’t.

Good thing you know better. You know that girls are just as smart as boys and that your cute little face is not your most important feature. What is your most important feature, you ask? Well, duhhh! It’s that kind heart and sharp mind of yours. That’s what really matters, far more that lip gloss and nail polish (even though those are fun too).

You see, when a girl is smart, she’ll be a smart woman. When is woman is smart, she’ll have smart children. When children are smart, they’ll grow into smart adults. And those smart adults will go on to have more smart children… It creates a wonderful cycle. So you, my dear, contribute to the education of the entire world. Cool, huh?

Oh, and as far as men liking you when you get older, the good ones will like you automatically, just because you are you. But no need to worry about any of that now. For now, you’re your mother’s inspiration, your father’s joy, and you are absolutely awesome just the way you are!

~Nadirah Angail

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On What They Should Know: A Powerful Message to Young Women

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*This is the first installment in the What They Should Know series.  Click here to read the second installment, On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Girls*

Credit: Roland DarbyI know how it looks. I know what you’ve been told and what you’ve seen, and it’s a shame that that is what has colored your experience, not the truth.

The truth is that your body (as beautiful as it is) is NOT all you have to offer. It is NOT your claim to fame and is NOT where your true power lies. Others would have you believe that the outer outweighs the inner, but that’s only because they want to control you. They’d rather you focus on your jean size and hip measurements so they can control your bodies. They’d rather you focus on your skin color and hair texture so they can control your understanding of beauty. They’d rather you focus on everything that has little bearing on who you are and the mark you inevitably leave.

This is not who we are meant to be. A woman at her best is a vessel for inspiration and life, a bringer of hope and balance, an image of peace and grace. This is the potential we all possess.

This message is not to empower you, but to remind you of  the strength you already have. Quite literally, we give shape and texture to the world by lending our wombs to the future. Don’t you think we deserve respect for that? Don’t you think we deserve to be seen in all our complexity and not reduced to paper-thin imitations of what others say we should be?

Of course we  do! We are grand. No, not in a superficial, “your girl ain’t got nothing on me” kind of way, but in a way that recognizes and validates all that we are. Everyone may not realize this (in fact, I’m sure many would rather not) but as long as you know what is true, they’ll have no choice but to become aware.

When men disrespect us, they do it with our permission. When advertisers and other companies misrepresent us, they do it with our permission. Don’t bother getting upset at my observation. Just accept the truth. When we demand to be treated differently and better, then–and only then– will they have no choice but to conform.

I’m certain you already know this, but men love women. And they’ll do whatever they have to to get us. So, when they continually disrespect us, it’s because they know they can with no repercussions.  The moment you let them know, “Homie, it’s not even going down,” things change.  At that point, they are forced to do one of two things: 1.) treat you the way you want to be treated or 2.) move on to someone else who won’t mind their foolishness. The choice is theirs. Either way, you’ll be better off.

Here’s something else you already know: advertisers love women. They know we’re an easy target that spends far more than men. But, the moment we let them know, “I’m not buying this trash!” they’ll be forced to do one of two things: 1.) stop selling items and sending messages that objectify us or 2.) go out of business and head over to the unemployment line. The choice is theirs. Either way, you’ll be better off.

We’d all be better off if the world realized the jewel it has in women. We don’t need to exist without men or even above them, but only to be recognized by them (and ourselves) for the value we add to the world.

~Nadirah Angail

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On The Fine Line Between Superficiality and… Empowerment?

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Pretty Girl Rock- Keri Hilson

You’ve heard the song. It’s catchy. My daughter and I were bobbing to it the other day in the car.

All eyes on me when I walk in,

No question that this girl’s a ten,

Don’t have me cuz I’m beautiful,

Don’t have me cuz I’m beautiful…

Then, I got to thinking (as I always do) “Hey, are you sure this is the song you want baby girl bobbing to?” On one hand, I feel Keri. She’s acknowledging her own beauty and telling other women not to feel threatened by it. I can get with that. Already wrote a post about it. Hell, with all the depression, low self esteem and eating disorders we’ve got attacking our pretty little girls, we all need to be singing about how we’re tens… or do we?

While a part of me likes the song, another part feels it’s only adding to the inverted, twisted-up beauty ideas we’re already choking on. No offense, Ms. Keri, but you’re not the first person to write a song about how cute you are. Truth be told, there are tons of song about that very topic, all blasted by young girls and women who have adopted them as their anthems and used them as their ringtones. Yet and still, depressed women aren’t becoming any less depressed. The self esteem-less are not gaining esteem, and those with eating disorders still aren’t eating. What’s wrong with this picture?

I guess this emphasized–if not exaggerated– focus on physical beauty wouldn’t be so bad if our beauty standards were actually good. I mean, if we put as much value in the Alek Weks and America Ferreras of the world as we do the Angelina Jolies, girls wouldn’t just be singing these songs. They’d be truly accepting and fully internalizing the “I know I’m pretty” message. In fact, we’d be so aware of and satisfied with our beauty that songs like this wouldn’t even be necessary. It would just be understood, unspoken. There’s nothing wrong with thinking you’re pretty, but what else do you think? Are you smart? Do you have a good heart? How’s your ambition? These are all important parts of ourselves, but we don’t sing about them.

I know what you’re thinking. “All this from a little song? It’s not that deep, Nad. Aren’t you the one that goes around saying ‘hakuna matata’ all the time?” Yes, that’s me, but you can’t listen to song after song, and watch movie after movie, and read magazine after magazine and not be affected. I’ve always been conscience of the sights and sounds I expose myself to, but now that I’m a mother, I had to go Inspector Gadget on yall! I’m analyzing everything that comes across our path. Got to. I’ll admit, it gets tough, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. She wouldn’t either.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Girls Who Think They're Cute

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You know you’ve heard it before: the official mantra of the insecure female.

“Look at her… She thinks she’s cute.” *said with cutting eyes and pure disdain*

This is often something we hear (or say) in response to the sight of an attractive woman. Luckily, I don’t hear it as much now, but it stayed on the lips of my adolescent school peers who were painfully aware of the power of an attractive female.  Even then, I knew something wasn’t right.  I couldn’t fully analyze the statement and extract the dripping bits of self-loathing, but I automatically knew the problem was with the one doing the speaking, not the one being spoken about.

I mean, just listen to how it sounds. “She thinks she’s cute,” as if being pleased with one’s own appearance is some sort of crime, punishable by cutting glances and mean-spirited taunting. Women and girls are so pressured to meet unrealistic physical beauty standards that, really, you can’t be sure what “she” thinks. She, just like you, may have been convinced that her beauty isn’t enough. She, just like you, might not even be aware of how wonderful she is. Or maybe she is aware. Either way, the problem is most definitely your own.

The truth behind this statement is, “I think you’re cute, and that bothers me because I don’t think I’m cute.” This is the subconscious reality most people know nothing about. They think they’re exposing someone else for thinking too highly of herself, but really they’re exposing their own sense of self worth. There is a saying I heard that I find to be true: “Blowing out someone else’s candle won’t make yours shine any brighter.” There is nothing but truth in that statement. Perhaps I should print it up on some t-shirts, or maybe a billboard.  Women need to hear this.

It seems there is a finite amount of space for attractive women in our society, so we constantly have to keep score and sabotage others to solidify our own spots. God forbid someone else truly likes herself. That’s nothing but a nagging reminder of the fact that we don’t feel the same way.  True beauty starts within. Cliche, I know, but true. We can never reflect a recognizable image of beauty if we don’t start with a firm sense of self.  Our facial features won’t matter if we’re filled with jealousy and envy. Our impressive clothes won’t matter if they’re only a cover-up for shabby self-esteem. Our cute hair styles won’t matter if we’re only using them to hide our true selves. All of this comes pouring out to create an ugly picture that everyone can see.

The next time you feel the need to comment on how cute someone else thinks she is, stop and ask yourself how cute you think you are. Get in touch with the feelings of inadequacy that are prompting you. That’s the only way we can find peace in our lives and truly be happy.

~Nadirah Angail

www.nadirahangail.com