Tag Archives: Relationships

On the Threesome That'll Save Your Marriage

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love triangleI usually wouldn’t suggest this, but I know two just isn’t working. You need to do something, and you need to do it quick, because you guys can’t make it on our own. So, here’s my idea. Spice things up by introducing a new character: God. That’s right, you’ve got you a love triange now, one that I pray you never get out of. 

It doesn’t matter how much you love your husband (or how much I love my husband). It doesn’t matter how crazy, sexy, cool you think he is. Your relationship will not survive without God as a key player. You can’t live without Him, and neither can he. So, why would you ever assume that you two could live together without Him? Who knows. People have done stranger things; but in marriages all over, couples arrogantly attempt to tackle the task of staying together on their own. The success rate is abysmal. The aftermath, devastating.  

Marriage is supposed to be a covenant before God between two people, and we’re really good at making it look that way. We make it a point to get married in masjids, churches and temples. We recite holy scriptures, make prayers, and do all the other things befitting a wedding our of various religions. But after the gifts are open and the cake is eaten, we end the display and put Him back on the shelf, until the next time we feel the need to let our religious devotion be known.

It’s not enough to show God off at our weddings and to call on Him when times are rough (“Dear God, please stop me from killing this man.”) He should be a constant presence that gently wakes us in the morning and lulls us to bed at night. He should be the inspiration behind our kind words, the impetus behind our kind deeds. He should be the nuts, bolts, screws, wood, metal, plaster and glue that hold our marriages together.

Keeping God center is not only a necessity, it’s also a joy, because you can rest assured that you don’t have to do this alone. When my husband does something that upsets me, I’m still able to be respectful, because I’m not doing it for him. It’s God’s favor that I’m seeking. When I talk my husband’s ear off and he still sits there and holds the conversation long past his preference point, I know he’s not doing it for me. It’s God’s favor he’s seeking. It’s a beautiful relief to know that I don’t have to be perfect or seek perfection in my marriage for it to work. I seek God for that.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know that I can be mad at him (for a short period of time) and not have it affect the dynamic of our relationship. I feel free to experience the natural ebb and flow of our love without worrying that, one day, it may not be enough. I’m not always happy, but I am always dedicated to something that is bigger than us both. And that is more than enough.

 ~Nadirah Angail
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On Getting the Respect you Deserve

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sb10068005e-003At the risk of sounding like a man hater (which I am not) I’ll make this statement: Many men will use you if you let them. They’re not all amoral womanizers, but when women don’t set the standard for how we should be treated, it’s a lot easier for them to become that way. I do think it’s true that men should treat women better, but I don’t believe it will happen until women begin to behave in such a way that men have no choice but to do so. People get away with as much as you allow, and as long we allow them to use our bodies and degrade our names, the weak ones will continue to do so.

Here comes the feminist voice of dissent. “Why is men’s behavior our fault? We shouldn’t have to change anything. They should.” Be assured that men’s behavior is not the fault of women. Everyone is held accountable for their own actions. But, woman have a very important role in the process of change. While women have more of an emotional nature, men have more of a visual, carnal nature. What this means is that even though men have an advantage over us in brute strength, their disadvantage is that they are often weak willed when it comes to the visual stimulation provided by us women. So it is relatively easy for us to influence them.  (Think of how much easier it is for a woman to sexually seduce a man that it is for a man to seduce a woman.) This influence is our advantage and must be used carefully and wisely. Men are the protectors and maintainers, but the best of them are those that know how to treat women, and who better to teach them that us? Ok, so let’s be clear. What am I saying, that all men are weak? Yep. That’s exactly what I’m saying. All men and women are weak, because perfection is reserved only for the Creator. We will succumb to our weaknesses, unless we know how to protect ourselves against them. Women, don’t let your attitude and overall demeanor be your weakness. Treat yourself with respect and watch everyone else follow suit.

Nadirah Angail

On Finding a Unicorn: The search for the Perfect Muslim Husband

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Just like the perfect man, unicorns don't exist

Just like the perfect man, unicorns don't exist

Let me start by saying be sure that you’ve searched for a unicorn. Even if I don’t explain what one is, know that you’ve searched. We’ve all searched, ladies. It is the pursuit of a unicorn that sends us to Islamic conventions every year in throngs, outnumbering the men every time. Unicorns make us buy those expensive plane tickets when we know we’re supposed to be saving money, justify it by thinking “This year it’ll be worth it.” It is the fear of not finding a unicorn that makes us lie to our girls, saying “Girl, I’m not looking this year,” knowing good and well we are. It is because of a unicorn that we walk the halls to the point where we know the building better than the architect that built it. We think of unicorns when we go to the fabric store looking for the baddest pattern to give to sister So and So from the masjid so she can make us a fierce ensemble. And it is the exciting thought of a unicorn that has us brainstorming outfits 3 months before the convention. And sadly, it is the unfortunate fact that we sometimes go back home unicornless that makes us have an attitude Monday morning when we go back to work/school.

If you haven’t guessed it, a unicorn is that perfect brother that we’ve all been convinced we’d meet at a convention, or anywhere else for that matter. I don’t know who told us there were going be unicorns at these conventions, but we think they are. I don’t know what makes us think they’ll show up this year when they never have in the past, but we do. And I don’t know what makes us hold out hope that he’ll show up next year when we didn’t get one glimpse this year, but we still hold that hope. I guess it’s because many of us come from places where there aren’t too many Muslims, so these conventions are our only chance. And I guess we also figure in a sea of Muslims, one of them has to be for us. And that’s true. Islamic conventions have been the stepping stone for many of our married couples today, but as we all learned as young children, unicorns don’t exist.
flying
So many of us, myself included, have wasted valuable time waiting for that perfect brother to come sweep us off our feet and fly us away on a magic prayer rug. But that’s not the reality. The reality is that no one is perfect. We’re all very flawed. We need to stop turning our noses up at our brothers, thinking we’re not just as flawed as they are. Don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying settle for someone you truly don’t want. I’m saying we need to open up our narrow view of what a unicorn looks like and stop denying ourselves good brothers. The fact that the brown in a brother’s kufi doesn’t match the brown in his shirt is not a good reason to turn him down. The fact that his beard isn’t as long as your father’s isn’t a good reason either. A brother may not have a great house, car and a fat stash of money in the bank, but that doesn’t mean he can’t get those things with the support of a loving wife. A brother may not blow you away with his charm and wit the second you meet him, but that doesn’t mean he can’t treat you like a queen. True love takes time to develop anyway, so stop getting mad because it’s not there at first sight. I’m not saying we should marry men we aren’t attracted to, because attraction is important, but we shouldn’t be so focused on it that it’s all we consider.

We shouldn’t be discouraged that we can’t find unicorns. We need to be looking for stallions. A stallion is a wonderfully flawed brother that knows his weaknesses and uses them as strengths. A stallion accepts his own imperfections and so doesn’t feel the need to constantly point yours out. A stallion views his own shortcomings as a sign of his humanity and uses them as motivation to bring him closer to the Creator. A stallion loves your differences and doesn’t try to change them. A stallion is perfectly imperfect. My husband is no unicorn, but he’s definitely a stallion.

Nadirah Angail

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