Tag Archives: Relationships

On Your Stuff: Saving Your Marriage From Your Emotional Issues Pt. 2

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This is part 2 of a 2-part feature on emotional issues. These articles are meant to be a stepping stone to healing, but are by no means a cure-all. It is best to seek professional help to guide you on your journey.

In the first installment, we talked in general terms about becoming aware of emotional issues/themes and how they can negatively affect our thoughts and behaviors. Now it’s time to put a face and name on those themes.

A theme is a unifying or dominant idea, an overarching concept that connects and defines items in a group. In this case, the group is comprised of life events, specifically those that have greatly impacted you and shaped your worldview.

There is no finite list of emotional themes, but there are certain ones that show up frequently. Let’s examine them, shall we?

Common Emotional Themes

  • Abandonment: Perhaps the most talked about of all emotional themes, abandonment is the feeling of being unfairly left behind or discarded. This theme can be rooted in a physical abandonment (an absent parent), but it can also refer to perceived abandonment that may have nothing to do with physical absence. If this is one of your primary themes, you may find that you rush into relationships or expect too much too fast (or just too much in general), which, in turn, may run the person off. Your feeling of abandonment is then intensified and the cycle continues.
  • Loss: Loss may seem very similar to abandonment, but the main difference is that loss doesn’t involve something being withheld intentionally. It comes from complications with dealing with someone or something being taken away unexpectedly (ie death, natural disaster, house fire, etc.). If loss is one of your primary themes, you may have trouble forming secure and comfortable attachments with people because, in the back of your mind, you suspect that they may be taken away too. Others may describe you as “distant,” “aloof” or “detached.” You may find that others doubt your commitment in relationships, which causes them to dissolve. People who have a theme of loss may also have trouble progressing in their careers.
  • Over Responsibility: If this is your theme, you probably feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. People with this theme often come to believe at a young age that the outcomes of those around them are dependent on them. (What a burden!) These people are often quite dependable and can usually be described as “fixers.” In relationships, though, they seem to gravitate towards those who need fixing (people with problems, be they financial, emotional or physical). These relationships can be very taxing because of the fixer’s efforts to fix something that truly is not their issue.
  • Inferiority: This theme presents in a myriad of ways, but it boils down to feeling that you are not as valuable or as deserving as others. People with this theme may give themselves an artificial confidence boost by dating/marrying people they feel are even less deserving than they are. If you feel you have a penchant for absolute losers, inferiority may be your primary theme. This theme can also encourage people to sabotage perfectly healthy relationships because they don’t feel deserving of or comfortable with a good relationship.
  • Violation: To be violated is to be acted up against your will, to have your rights stolen and disrespected. This theme is often found in people who have suffered physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. People dealing with a theme of violation may be easily angered and may also become violators in their own right. (Note: This violation may not always match the type of violation the person experienced at the hands of another.) Control is often a big issue for those with a theme of violation. They may (but not necessarily) find it easiest to regain their control by giving it away before someone else can take it.
  • Injustice/Unfairness: When one feels they’ve been treated unfairly on a grand scale, that feeling of injustice can develop into their primary theme. If you’re dealing with this feeling, you may be hypersensitive to issues of fairness. You may feel like you’re constantly getting “the short end of the stick” and that others aren’t giving you your fair share. Others may find it hard to please you or understand your frustrations with them.
  • Anger: It is important to note that anger is NOT an emotional theme. It is a common emotion that is expressed as a result of the feeling associated with emotional themes. Most often, anger is a cover-up emotion that masks the true, more vulnerable, emotion underneath. For example, when people display anger, they may actually be feeling sadness, anxiety, confusion, shame, etc.

Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and themes can and do overlap, but hopefully this helps to put a face on some of the issues you might not have even known you were dealing with. Whether or not someone can completely eliminate these issues is debatable, but it is possible to get them under control by recognizing and interrupting your disruptive patterns.

Many of us go through life simply reacting, allowing our knee-jerk reactions and emotions to guide our thoughts and behaviors. That’s how these themes thrive and grow. Instead of simply reacting, we should thoughtfully respond. Take a step back and question ourselves about our feelings, particularly those that are very strong. Did a person just make you extremely angry? Did a new guy completely sweep you off your feet? Don’t just go along with it. Pause and ask yourself why you’re so upset, why he seems so wonderful. You may find that the only thing the other person did wrong is inadvertently activate one of your themes. And the guy may be appealing for that same reason.

Confronting emotional themes is definitely easier said than done, but it can be done. It takes patience and a willingness to get really uncomfortable with yourself. Not everyone is ready to take this step. Perhaps you aren’t, but if you are, I pray this information has been useful.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Your Stuff: Saving Your Marriage From Your Emotional Issues Pt. 1

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This is part 1 of a 2-part feature on emotional issues. These articles are meant to be a stepping stone to healing, but are by no means a cure-all. It is best to seek professional help to guide you on your journey.

Face it: We’ve all got stuff– emotional hangups, unresolved traumas, complicated grief. It’s all there. It starts accumulating when we’re young and it builds as we age. Some of us have a lot, others have a little, but we’ve all got it. And if we’re not careful, it will destroy our lives! *Cue thunder and lightening strike and evil diabolical laugh*.  Okay, I admit that was dramatic, but so are you when you let your stuff cloud your thoughts and actions.

Stuff Awareness

We’ve all met people who say things like, “I can’t help it. I’ve got issues, okay?” or, “Sure, I could use a therapist or three.” These comments are usually made in jest, but behind them is an awareness that 1.) they’ve got stuff and 2.) there is enough of it that it causes problems in their everyday lives.  This realization is wonderful if it is followed by action (an attempt to examine and manage the stuff), but it usually isn’t. Most people stop at the realization, assuming that merely knowing somehow makes it okay, or at least less impactful.

Not true. Knowing is just that: knowing. It is the first step in “stuff recovery,” but it is powerless by itself. In fact, when unaided by action, knowing can actually make things worse because it encourages you to feel entitled to and justified in your skewed thoughts and actions.  ”Yea, I poured bleach all over his clothes! So what! I got anger issues!”

And that’s one way our stuff takes over our lives. It convinces us that we’re supposed to be thinking and behaving that way. Because we were hurt, shamed, abandoned,  discarded, angered, mistreated, and/or lied to, we now have the irrevocable right to behave this way, and anything less would be uncivilized (said in a most proper British accent).

Well, you got me. You definitely do have the right to your thoughts and behaviors (as long as they don’t break the law), but you also have the right to happiness and healthy relationships. You have the right to break old patterns and to step into a new light. You’re not going to do that if you stay where you are. To experience something different (and better), you must do something different. Take it or leave it. No way around it.

Stuff Unawareness

If you’re the type that’s good (like, really good) at picking up on other people’s issues, but never has a word to say about your own, you’re probably unaware of your stuff. People who are unaware usually have an “other” focus. They see the problems in their lives through a lens of finger pointing and blame.  ”He did it.” “It’s his fault.” “He’s the crazy one (not me).”

People who are unaware often think quite highly of themselves but can’t figure out why everyone they get in a relationship with turns out to be so WRONG. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. If I had to choose, I’d say there are far more people in the unaware group than the aware group. Then there are those floaters, the people who are aware of certain issues and unaware of others.  Truth moment? I think I fit in there. I admit that  for two reasons:

1.)I want be real and relatable. (Aint no Photoshopping and airbrushing up in here!) and

2.)It is important to note that there is always work to be done, even if you’ve already done a lot.

Stuff Work

So, how can you go from not knowing to knowing? And if you’ve already done that, how can you move on? First, you’ve got to uncover what your issues are.  Look back over your life (your childhood, relationship with your parents and other important figures, insecurities, romantic involvements etc.) and look for overarching themes. You shouldn’t be too concerned with actual events. It’s more about the themes those events represent. You may have many different themes, but the ones that are most prevalent should be your primary focus. Most likely, these are the ones interfering with your interactions and thinking.

In the next installment, we’ll discuss common themes and what they mean.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Threesome That’ll Save Your Marriage

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love triangleI usually wouldn’t suggest this, but I know two just isn’t working. You need to do something, and you need to do it quick, because you guys can’t make it on our own. So, here’s my idea. Spice things up by introducing a new character: God. That’s right, you’ve got you a love triange now, one that I pray you never get out of.

It doesn’t matter how much you love your husband (or how much I love my husband). It doesn’t matter how crazy, sexy, cool you think he is. Your relationship will not survive without God as a key player. You can’t live without Him, and neither can he. So, why would you ever assume that you two could live together without Him? Who knows. People have done stranger things; but in marriages all over, couples arrogantly attempt to tackle the task of staying together on their own. The success rate is abysmal. The aftermath, devastating.

Marriage is supposed to be a covenant before God between two people, and we’re really good at making it look that way. We make it a point to get married in masjids, churches and temples. We recite holy scriptures, make prayers, and do all the other things befitting a wedding of our various religions. But after the gifts are open and the cake is eaten, we end the display and put Him back on the shelf, until the next time we feel the need to let our religious devotion be known.

It’s not enough to show God off at our weddings and to call on Him when times are rough (“Dear God, please stop me from killing this man.”) He should be a constant presence that gently wakes us in the morning and lulls us to bed at night. He should be the inspiration behind our kind words, the impetus behind our kind deeds. He should be the nuts, bolts, screws, wood, metal, plaster and glue that hold our marriages together.

Keeping God center is not only a necessity, it’s also a joy because you can rest assured that you don’t have to do this alone. When my husband does something that upsets me, I’m still able to be respectful, because I’m not doing it for him. It’s God’s favor that I’m seeking. When I talk my husband’s ear off and he still sits there and holds the conversation long past his preference point, I know he’s not doing it for me. It’s God’s favor he’s seeking. It’s a beautiful relief to know that I don’t have to be perfect or seek perfection in my marriage for it to work. I seek God for that.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know that I can be mad at him (for a short period of time) and not have it affect the dynamic of our relationship. I feel free to experience the natural ebb and flow of our love without worrying that, one day, it may not be enough. I’m not always happy, but I am always dedicated to something that is bigger than us both. And that is more than enough.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Getting the Respect you Deserve

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sb10068005e-003At the risk of sounding like a man hater (which I am not) I’ll make this statement: Many men will use you if you let them. They’re not all amoral womanizers, but when women don’t set the standard for how we should be treated, it’s a lot easier for them to become that way. I do think it’s true that men should treat women better, but I don’t believe it will happen until women begin to behave in such a way that men have no choice but to do so. People get away with as much as you allow, and as long we allow them to use our bodies and degrade our names, the weak ones will continue to do so.

Here comes the feminist voice of dissent. “Why is men’s behavior our fault? We shouldn’t have to change anything. They should.” Be assured that men’s behavior is not the fault of women. Everyone is held accountable for their own actions. But, woman have a very important role in the process of change. While women have more of an emotional nature, men have more of a visual, carnal nature. What this means is that even though men have an advantage over us in brute strength, their disadvantage is that they are often weak willed when it comes to the visual stimulation provided by us women. So it is relatively easy for us to influence them.  (Think of how much easier it is for a woman to sexually seduce a man that it is for a man to seduce a woman.) This influence is our advantage and must be used carefully and wisely. Men are the protectors and maintainers, but the best of them are those that know how to treat women, and who better to teach them that us? Ok, so let’s be clear. What am I saying, that all men are weak? Yep. That’s exactly what I’m saying. All men and women are weak, because perfection is reserved only for the Creator. We will succumb to our weaknesses, unless we know how to protect ourselves against them. Women, don’t let your attitude and overall demeanor be your weakness. Treat yourself with respect and watch everyone else follow suit.

Nadirah Angail

On Finding a Unicorn: The search for the Perfect Muslim Husband

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Just like the perfect man, unicorns don't exist

Just like the perfect man, unicorns don't exist

Let me start by saying be sure that you’ve searched for a unicorn. Even if I don’t explain what one is, know that you’ve searched. We’ve all searched, ladies. It is the pursuit of a unicorn that sends us to Islamic conventions every year in throngs, outnumbering the men every time. Unicorns make us buy those expensive plane tickets when we know we’re supposed to be saving money, justify it by thinking “This year it’ll be worth it.” It is the fear of not finding a unicorn that makes us lie to our girls, saying “Girl, I’m not looking this year,” knowing good and well we are. It is because of a unicorn that we walk the halls to the point where we know the building better than the architect that built it. We think of unicorns when we go to the fabric store looking for the baddest pattern to give to sister So and So from the masjid so she can make us a fierce ensemble. And it is the exciting thought of a unicorn that has us brainstorming outfits 3 months before the convention. And sadly, it is the unfortunate fact that we sometimes go back home unicornless that makes us have an attitude Monday morning when we go back to work/school.

If you haven’t guessed it, a unicorn is that perfect brother that we’ve all been convinced we’d meet at a convention, or anywhere else for that matter. I don’t know who told us there were going be unicorns at these conventions, but we think they are. I don’t know what makes us think they’ll show up this year when they never have in the past, but we do. And I don’t know what makes us hold out hope that he’ll show up next year when we didn’t get one glimpse this year, but we still hold that hope. I guess it’s because many of us come from places where there aren’t too many Muslims, so these conventions are our only chance. And I guess we also figure in a sea of Muslims, one of them has to be for us. And that’s true. Islamic conventions have been the stepping stone for many of our married couples today, but as we all learned as young children, unicorns don’t exist.
flying
So many of us, myself included, have wasted valuable time waiting for that perfect brother to come sweep us off our feet and fly us away on a magic prayer rug. But that’s not the reality. The reality is that no one is perfect. We’re all very flawed. We need to stop turning our noses up at our brothers, thinking we’re not just as flawed as they are. Don’t misunderstand. I’m not saying settle for someone you truly don’t want. I’m saying we need to open up our narrow view of what a unicorn looks like and stop denying ourselves good brothers. The fact that the brown in a brother’s kufi doesn’t match the brown in his shirt is not a good reason to turn him down. The fact that his beard isn’t as long as your father’s isn’t a good reason either. A brother may not have a great house, car and a fat stash of money in the bank, but that doesn’t mean he can’t get those things with the support of a loving wife. A brother may not blow you away with his charm and wit the second you meet him, but that doesn’t mean he can’t treat you like a queen. True love takes time to develop anyway, so stop getting mad because it’s not there at first sight. I’m not saying we should marry men we aren’t attracted to, because attraction is important, but we shouldn’t be so focused on it that it’s all we consider.

We shouldn’t be discouraged that we can’t find unicorns. We need to be looking for stallions. A stallion is a wonderfully flawed brother that knows his weaknesses and uses them as strengths. A stallion accepts his own imperfections and so doesn’t feel the need to constantly point yours out. A stallion views his own shortcomings as a sign of his humanity and uses them as motivation to bring him closer to the Creator. A stallion loves your differences and doesn’t try to change them. A stallion is perfectly imperfect. My husband is no unicorn, but he’s definitely a stallion.

Nadirah Angail

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