Tag Archives: money

On Love vs. Finance: Which is More Important in Marriage?

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If my memory serves me correctly, the popular childhood refrain explains it all: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That’s how it works, right? (Well, minus that baby carriage part. These days, babies show up wheneva, but that’s another topic.) It seems most people would agree that love is a prerequisite for marriage, but that hasn’t always been the case.

Historically, love was not that big of a deal. Often times it grew out of marriage, but wasn’t necessarily there before. Why is that? It’s simple, really. Marriage wasn’t about being with the one you love. It was about creating stable families and communities. Marriage was about protecting the collective, safeguarding the whole. They wanted to make sure the two would produce children and raise them to be productive citizens, thereby ensuring the future of society.  Was it romantic? Not really. But did it work? Yep.

These days, things work pretty differently. The old, business-like model has given way to a heart-ruled approach that gives love and emotional connection top billing. Suddenly, marriage was exciting. It was more than just a fact of life. It was something we looked forward to, yearned for. The heart was running the show, and along with that came the poorly thought out decisions our hearts sometimes coax us into making.

Does that mean marrying for love is a bad idea? Of course not.  I was thoroughly in love with my husband when we married, so I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise, but I also knew that love alone (as strong as it is) would not be enough to make our marriage successful. Love can make you better, but it can also make you foolish.

Love can make an honest and faithful person stay with a cheater. Love can make a kind-hearted man stay with a woman who is emotionally unstable. Love can make a woman repeatedly get pregnant by a lazy, jobless man.  Love is just love. Like an immature child, it’s self centered and only considers itself. That’s why it feels so good, and that’s also why it can be so unstable.

There has to be something more. Couples have to know that even when they’re trapped in discontent, cut off from the peace and solace love usually provides, the marriage can still survive. There should be a deeper commitment, a bridge that carries you back to ease. Is a healthy bank statement enough to be that bridge? Probably not (rich people break up every day), but it is a huge help to at least know that the bills are paid and your belly is full, especially when you have children.

In regards to the question, “Which is more important?”  I can’t give a straight forward answer. You could marry a wealthy jerk and end up divorced just as quickly as anyone else, but I will suggest that women in particular need to pay more attention to finances and not feel guilty because of it. No woman wants to be perceives as a gold digger, but often times this fear prevents us from asking the important questions that need to be addressed. In the same way that our debt and financial history is relevant, so is his. Does he have a savings account? Is there anything in it? Does he have any debt? If so, what kind? Does he have a 5-year financial plan? These are the types of questions a woman should be comfortable asking a man before marriage.

It’s not about finding the richest guy possible. It’s about making a thorough assessment of compatibility, one that does more than simply consider how in love you may be with a person. As women, we must constantly be aware of our wombs – that empty, life-giving space that we could soon find occupied, thanks to the men we let into our lives. And that occupant (God willing) will grow into a small person who will require lots of attention and resources. That’s money. That’s time. That’s attention, energy and love. We owe it to ourselves and our little future occupants to know there’s more to marriage than just love.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Expensive Thing He Bought You and Why It Don’t Mean…

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Lately, I’ve seen a lot of Facebook status updates, usually from teens or women in early twenties, that go something like this: “Posting from that new HTC  Evo Mr. Man bought me. Good looking, boo!” Mind you, Mr. Man is the guy she met a week ago.

Gifts are always nice, especially really expensive ones, but am I the only one that sees a problem with this? Perhaps they’re thinking, “Wow, he must really like me to buy me something like this,” or “Wow, his pockets must be fat.”  That isn’t necessarily true. In fact, it usually isn’t true.  What these ladies fail to see is that if he is willing to buy you something so expensive that soon, obviously spending money on a woman isn’t that big of a deal to him. It’s nothing special (i.e. you’re nothing special). You’re sitting up here cheesing, thinking you’ve gotten some preferential treatment when the reality is that he probably bought 5 of those HTCs and gave the rest to four other girls who are just as easily impressed as you are.  And as far as expensive gifts equaling big bank accounts, think again. More often than not, it equals big debt and small savings.

Why would you even want expensive gifts from a practical stranger anyway? Doesn’t it freak you out, at least a bit? Everyone says they’d love a random person to give them something expensive, but in reality, that’s got to make some eyebrows wrinkle and set off some major mental alarms.  Imagine walking down the street and a stranger smiled, gave you a flower and said, “Have a nice day!” At worst, you think it was a little creepy, but not a big deal. At best, you’d think it was extremely cute. (It all depends on how attractive and charming the stranger was.) Now let’s imagine that same stranger smiled, gave you $500 and said, “Have a nice day!” Even if he was the most handsome guy in the world, wouldn’t you still wonder what was going on and why he’d give you (someone he doesn’t know) that kind of money?  If it were me, I’d think maybe it was stolen, or it was some kind of set up, or maybe I was on some type of hidden-camera game show. (Perhaps I’m a little paranoid. Can’t help it. People are crazy out here.)

My point is that, in general, people don’t just go around handing out expensive gifts. Those usually don’t come until there has been a serious time and emotional investment in the relationship. So, if the two of you have yet to establish a relationship to invest in, what is he doing spending all this money?  Doesn’t seem sincere. Seems more like he’s trying to impress you or buy his way into your pants–probably both.

Ladies, we’ve got to let men know we’re not for sale. You can’t just take me on a shopping spree and get instant access to my body. It doesn’t work that way. Well, it shouldn’t work that way, but unfortunately for a lot of women, it does. We get so happy about the shoes he bought us, or the Hawaii trip he took us on, that we don’t even take the time to truly evaluate whether or not this man will make a good partner, the type that is looking for something lasting. Then, a month later, when he’s moved on to the next PYT that caught his eye, we’re left with an attitude, a broken heart, and a bunch of Facebook statuses that say things like “Uhh, just wanna curl up and cry. FML. Niggas ain’t sh_t! (sad face, sad face).”

Here’s something you should know: When you’re ready to be in a real relationship with someone that has some serious potential, you won’t be easily swayed. You’ll save the gift giving for later and focus on getting to know who this man is, not what he can buy (or charge). Here’s something else you should know: A man who is looking for a serious relationship isn’t going to just shower you with expensive gifts right off the bat. Sure, he’ll take you to dinner and all the other usual things like that, but he’s not going to start investing serious money in you until he knows you’re worth his investment. A good man doesn’t want to risk spending up all his hard-earned money on the wrong woman. He’ll take it slow, which is what you should be doing also.   And if he’s rich and has money to throw around, chances are he’ll probably try to play it low key to make sure you’re not a gold digger. So, either way, quick spending is a tell tail sign that he is NOT serious and only looking for something quick, fleeting and fun.  Save yourself a lot of heartache and don’t let the flashy money fool you.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Empty Savings Accounts and Modern-day Slaves

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I was at the mall this past Saturday with a friend. I hadn’t been there in months, and I was genuinely amazed at how packed it was; I practically had to park at the grocery store across the street. “It’s mid January,” I thought to myself. “Black Friday and the Christmas rush are over. What could have this many people out shopping?” I love to ask myself questions I already know the answer to.

There was nothing new driving  people to the mall. It was that same old “gotta have it because going without it would be criminal and downright un-American” mindset. From a young age, we learn to want everything and to spend whatever necessary to get it. After all, we’re good people. We deserve to be happy, and everyone knows happiness = lots and lots of stuff. And so our debts rise, our bank balances fall, and our self images stay wrapped up in all this stuff.

There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things, but are they so important that we’re willing to jeopardize our financial futures? Another question I already know the answer to. According to the Federal Reserve, the average American has nearly $16,000 in credit card debt and saves at a negative rate. Quite literally, living beyond our means has become the American way. As rich as we all like to look like we are, this behavior and way of thinking is keeping us poor. You wouldn’t know it from all the designer handbags, red-bottom stilettos, and luxury cars, but we’re drowning under our need to look the part. The more we spend on looking cute and living the “good life,” the less we’re putting away for later. Our children are learning that it’s perfectly normal to spend everything they have (and then some)  on things that aren’t even necessities. No money for the future? No problem. That’s what all these nice credit card companies are for. They’re here to help us by lending us all their wonderful money. And all we have to do is spend the rest of our lives paying them back 2-3 times the amount we borrowed. Cool, right?

The days of chain-and-whip slavery are over, but financial slavery is alive and well, and its effects are just as bad. Generation after generation is living hand to mouth, with no wealth or land to call their own. The tiny sliver of the population that controls majority of the money and influence is able to live that way because of our ignorance. While we–the gullible masses–are out spending on over-priced items that begin to depreciate the second we take ownership of them, they are off doubling and tripling their money, ensuring that their offspring will never have to live the financially enslaved lives that many of us do. If you want to get your children a real birthday/Christmas/Eid/”just because” gift, open a savings account in their name and teach them about the importance of spending wisely. Don’t pass on the poor mindset we inherited.

~Nadirah Angail

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