Tag Archives: marriage

On Django Unchained: 4 Marriage Lessons We Can Learn From A Fictitious Bounty Hunter

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Django and Broomhilda, husband and wife

photo credit: imdb.com

Let’s suspend the politics and cultural implications of the movie. For the moment, let’s don our blinders and focus exclusively on Django the husband. He’s one bad mofo, wouldn’t you say? Braving the elements for miles and miles, slaying (in a most gruesome fashion)  anyone who gets in his way, all in the name of love for his dear wife.

Of course it’s just a movie, full of exaggeration and inaccuracy, but the message here is powerful: This man, this black man, loves his wife, and he isn’t going to let distance, danger or even the evil institution of slavery keep him from her. Put that in your bullhorn and blast it.

Following are 4 lessons we could all learn to strengthen our precious marriages:

Django wise

While speaking with his enlightened German business partner, Django explains that he and his wife believe in marriage, despite the fact that his slave owner didn’t. He is wise enough to understand the value of marriage, the significance of commitment. He doesn’t concern himself with the polluted thoughts of those who don’t acknowledge his marriage. To him, it is sacred and must be protected.

Now, why can’t we real-life people hold marriage in such esteem? Instead of divorcing at the drop of a dime and airing our dirty laundry on Facebook and Twitter, we should remind ourselves of the sanctity of marriage. It’s kind of a big deal.

Django determined

Django begins the movie as a slave who has been separated from his wife. It doesn’t look good. No one would blame him if he just decided to give up and move on, but he doesn’t.  He takes advantage of the opportunity to be reunited with his love–even though it’s hard, even though it’s unlikely, even though it takes a soul-shaking amount of dedication that few can muster. That’s how determined he is to save his wife and his marriage. This is the type of determination all married couples need. We must journey toward each other like magnets, unable to escape the pull.

Django faithful

How easy is it to cheat when your wife is gone and probably never coming back? Too easy. Most people wouldn’t even see it as cheating, but Django isn’t most people.  He’s a yearning husband who wants nothing and no one other than his wife. There is a scene where he is left alone with a female slave. He grabs her and pushes her up against a tree, not to make sexual advances, but to talk to her about the men he’s seeking out. The fact that he’s separated from his wife is immaterial. He’s married. He’s committed. Point blank, period.

Django emotionally stable

There are a few scenes where Django feels his wife is in danger. He wants, with every fiber of his being, to grab her and whisk her to safety, but he knows that would blow his disguise and ruin any chance of them being together. So, instead, he plays it cool and further assesses the situation.

This is major. The ability to control your emotions and voluntarily respond rather than involuntarily react is a crucial asset in any marriage. It makes all the difference in your interactions, especially the difficult ones. So many people have a tendency to lose their filters when emotions are high. It’s as if the feeling of anger gives you licence to, well, flip out. NOT the case.

Tap into your inner Django and preserve your marriage.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Your Stuff: Saving Your Marriage From Your Emotional Issues Pt. 1

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This is part 1 of a 2-part feature on emotional issues. These articles are meant to be a stepping stone to healing, but are by no means a cure-all. It is best to seek professional help to guide you on your journey.

Face it: We’ve all got stuff– emotional hangups, unresolved traumas, complicated grief. It’s all there. It starts accumulating when we’re young and it builds as we age. Some of us have a lot, others have a little, but we’ve all got it. And if we’re not careful, it will destroy our lives! *Cue thunder and lightening strike and evil diabolical laugh*.  Okay, I admit that was dramatic, but so are you when you let your stuff cloud your thoughts and actions.

Stuff Awareness

We’ve all met people who say things like, “I can’t help it. I’ve got issues, okay?” or, “Sure, I could use a therapist or three.” These comments are usually made in jest, but behind them is an awareness that 1.) they’ve got stuff and 2.) there is enough of it that it causes problems in their everyday lives.  This realization is wonderful if it is followed by action (an attempt to examine and manage the stuff), but it usually isn’t. Most people stop at the realization, assuming that merely knowing somehow makes it okay, or at least less impactful.

Not true. Knowing is just that: knowing. It is the first step in “stuff recovery,” but it is powerless by itself. In fact, when unaided by action, knowing can actually make things worse because it encourages you to feel entitled to and justified in your skewed thoughts and actions.  ”Yea, I poured bleach all over his clothes! So what! I got anger issues!”

And that’s one way our stuff takes over our lives. It convinces us that we’re supposed to be thinking and behaving that way. Because we were hurt, shamed, abandoned,  discarded, angered, mistreated, and/or lied to, we now have the irrevocable right to behave this way, and anything less would be uncivilized (said in a most proper British accent).

Well, you got me. You definitely do have the right to your thoughts and behaviors (as long as they don’t break the law), but you also have the right to happiness and healthy relationships. You have the right to break old patterns and to step into a new light. You’re not going to do that if you stay where you are. To experience something different (and better), you must do something different. Take it or leave it. No way around it.

Stuff Unawareness

If you’re the type that’s good (like, really good) at picking up on other people’s issues, but never has a word to say about your own, you’re probably unaware of your stuff. People who are unaware usually have an “other” focus. They see the problems in their lives through a lens of finger pointing and blame.  ”He did it.” “It’s his fault.” “He’s the crazy one (not me).”

People who are unaware often think quite highly of themselves but can’t figure out why everyone they get in a relationship with turns out to be so WRONG. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. If I had to choose, I’d say there are far more people in the unaware group than the aware group. Then there are those floaters, the people who are aware of certain issues and unaware of others.  Truth moment? I think I fit in there. I admit that  for two reasons:

1.)I want be real and relatable. (Aint no Photoshopping and airbrushing up in here!) and

2.)It is important to note that there is always work to be done, even if you’ve already done a lot.

Stuff Work

So, how can you go from not knowing to knowing? And if you’ve already done that, how can you move on? First, you’ve got to uncover what your issues are.  Look back over your life (your childhood, relationship with your parents and other important figures, insecurities, romantic involvements etc.) and look for overarching themes. You shouldn’t be too concerned with actual events. It’s more about the themes those events represent. You may have many different themes, but the ones that are most prevalent should be your primary focus. Most likely, these are the ones interfering with your interactions and thinking.

In the next installment, we’ll discuss common themes and what they mean.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Love vs. Finance: Which is More Important in Marriage?

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If my memory serves me correctly, the popular childhood refrain explains it all: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That’s how it works, right? (Well, minus that baby carriage part. These days, babies show up wheneva, but that’s another topic.) It seems most people would agree that love is a prerequisite for marriage, but that hasn’t always been the case.

Historically, love was not that big of a deal. Often times it grew out of marriage, but wasn’t necessarily there before. Why is that? It’s simple, really. Marriage wasn’t about being with the one you love. It was about creating stable families and communities. Marriage was about protecting the collective, safeguarding the whole. They wanted to make sure the two would produce children and raise them to be productive citizens, thereby ensuring the future of society.  Was it romantic? Not really. But did it work? Yep.

These days, things work pretty differently. The old, business-like model has given way to a heart-ruled approach that gives love and emotional connection top billing. Suddenly, marriage was exciting. It was more than just a fact of life. It was something we looked forward to, yearned for. The heart was running the show, and along with that came the poorly thought out decisions our hearts sometimes coax us into making.

Does that mean marrying for love is a bad idea? Of course not.  I was thoroughly in love with my husband when we married, so I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise, but I also knew that love alone (as strong as it is) would not be enough to make our marriage successful. Love can make you better, but it can also make you foolish.

Love can make an honest and faithful person stay with a cheater. Love can make a kind-hearted man stay with a woman who is emotionally unstable. Love can make a woman repeatedly get pregnant by a lazy, jobless man.  Love is just love. Like an immature child, it’s self centered and only considers itself. That’s why it feels so good, and that’s also why it can be so unstable.

There has to be something more. Couples have to know that even when they’re trapped in discontent, cut off from the peace and solace love usually provides, the marriage can still survive. There should be a deeper commitment, a bridge that carries you back to ease. Is a healthy bank statement enough to be that bridge? Probably not (rich people break up every day), but it is a huge help to at least know that the bills are paid and your belly is full, especially when you have children.

In regards to the question, “Which is more important?”  I can’t give a straight forward answer. You could marry a wealthy jerk and end up divorced just as quickly as anyone else, but I will suggest that women in particular need to pay more attention to finances and not feel guilty because of it. No woman wants to be perceives as a gold digger, but often times this fear prevents us from asking the important questions that need to be addressed. In the same way that our debt and financial history is relevant, so is his. Does he have a savings account? Is there anything in it? Does he have any debt? If so, what kind? Does he have a 5-year financial plan? These are the types of questions a woman should be comfortable asking a man before marriage.

It’s not about finding the richest guy possible. It’s about making a thorough assessment of compatibility, one that does more than simply consider how in love you may be with a person. As women, we must constantly be aware of our wombs – that empty, life-giving space that we could soon find occupied, thanks to the men we let into our lives. And that occupant (God willing) will grow into a small person who will require lots of attention and resources. That’s money. That’s time. That’s attention, energy and love. We owe it to ourselves and our little future occupants to know there’s more to marriage than just love.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Barack and Michelle Obama and What They Mean for Black Love

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Black people love us some “black love.” We talk about it; we take pictures of it; we hashtag it. It’s something we hold dearly and thrive on, but it can be confusing to people who aren’t black, particularly white people. “What exactly is ‘black love?” they wonder, “and how is it any different than any other love?” These are the types of questions a lot of people wonder, but wouldn’t dare utter outside of their private circles for fear of being seen as racist.  And so the questions remain and the assumptions grow.

And then this sexy fine couple named the Obamas hit the scene and the use of the term went through the roof. Everybody and they mama (yes, that’s “they mama”, not “their mama”) was talking about the beauty of the Obama’s love–their incredibly-noticeable black love.  To answer the questions above, black love is love between two people who identify as black, and no, there isn’t a difference between black love and any other type of love.  Love is love. It doesn’t pull a Clark Kent/Superman switch-up when expressed between black people, but we act like it does. And with good reason.

A Lil’ History on Black Love

Not to turn this into a history lesson, but this discussion can’t be had without a little context. Bear with me. Most people who immigrated to this country came willingly and with family. Husbands, wives. children, siblings, grandparents and cousin started a new life together, able to document their entire journey, down to the date and time they stepped foot on American soil. Not so for black Americans.

We didn’t come in recognized family units. No husband, no wives, no sweet little grannies. Just bucks and wenches. Strong bodies to be used at their owners’ discretion.

Advertisement for slaves; Kentucky, 1855

Advertisement for slaves; Kentucky, 1855

And so thanks to the denial of black Americans’ humanity, black love officially died. In fact, it never even got the chance to be born, not here in the US. Unofficially, it lived in the hearts of slaves who, despite laws that prohibited them from marrying,  secretly “jumped the broom” to symbolize their commitment and fidelity. Officially, though, there was no black love. After all, how silly is the thought of cattle getting married?

For generations, our love flopped and flailed, fighting extermination attempts of a society that strategically and vehemently denied its existence. Without record or recognition, black love survived only in the determined hearts of those who relied on it, those who saw its beauty and refused to be stripped of it. This is the story of our love.

Current Black Love Troubles

2012 marks the 147th anniversary of the abolition of slavery, but black love is still hurting.  For many, it’s been squeezed and hammered into something completely other than what it originally was, what it truly is. That’s why some of us today still don’t know love. It has been so successfully withheld that some go their entire lives using mere sex as a consolation, painfully unaware of what they’ve never had.

Stereotypes and even statistical data suggest that, in general, we don’t get married. For some, their own family history suggests that, in general, we don’t get married. But we do have sex, that the stereotypes let us know for sure. Is their any being more sexualized that the black woman? And everyone knows the sexual prowess of black men. We’ve been objectified into a collection of walking, talking body parts, waiting to please, unworthy of love but completely capable of lust. This is the story of our love.

The Obamas Revive Black Love

In the midst of all of this, a black man who loves (and married) a black woman was elected president. And we don’t just assume he loves his wife. He makes it undeniably clear.

Barack Obama kisses first lady Michelle Obama during the Olympics.
Image Credit: REUTERS/KEVIN LAMARQUE/LANDOV 

Again, love is just love, but given all that I’ve explained, can you begin to understand the magical fairy dust of black love? For all of us who know love in our own lives, the Obamas are validation. For all of us who doubt love because we’ve never really seen it, the Obamas are inspiration. And for those who know nothing about black love, the Obamas are an explanation. They stand against every negative image of the black family, and they stand with every assertion that we, too, can and do love.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Staying: 5 Questions to Consider That May Convince You To Stay Together

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winnondSometimes, it just feels broken. Not “the screw came out and I need to put it back in” broken, but “someone stood on the roof and dropped it off” broken. That’s what your marriage can feel like when it’s gone too far down the road of dis-ease. For some, the “D” word pops into mind. That is an option–the best one at times– but not always.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, be sure the decision is well thought out. Otherwise, you may find that the good decision you thought you made was actually a horrible mistake.

Consider the following before deciding to sign those papers:

  1. What are you really displeased with, the marriage or yourself? Sometimes people assume their personal dissatisfaction is the result of their marriage when it is actually a result of internal conflict. Are you happy with yourself? Do you like the person you’ve become? Are you using the marriage as a distraction from and scapegoat for your personal issues you haven’t dealt with?
  2. What have you done differently to improve your situation? It is so easy to complain about what the other is doing, but did you ever consider that they might change their behavior if you change yours? Imagine how drastically things could improve if BOTH partners took this approach. (Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss this article together.)
  3. Is your spouse “a lost cause”? Some people have  proven track records for being set in their dysfunctional ways, but if this isn’t the case, it could be worth it to have faith. Think about it. Even though you’re spent and feel like taking a midnight train going annnyyyywwhhhheerrree (shout out to Journey!), the fact that you took the time to read this suggests that there’s still some love there. There’s still some hope there. Your spouse may feel the same way.
  4. Is your spouse the devil? Okay, maybe I should have said “a devil.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t marry the devil, but what I was getting at is whether or not your spouse is a good person with a good heart. Despite all the things that make your blood boil, does he/she try to make you happy? Does he/she have good intentions? If you’ve got a good person, chances are they don’t mean to make you feel like you do. It’s hard to find a good, honest, kind mate. If you’ve got one, don’t be so quick to give them up.
  5. Is it impossible to have the type of life you want while staying together? Picture your ideal life, the way you would have it if you were in complete control. Could you see you and your spouse living that life together? Is it possible? (Here’s an example: If you desperately want kids and the other is completely against it.)

The answers to these questions should give you an idea of whether or not you two can happily stay together.

~Nadirah Angail

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