Tag Archives: marriage

On Staying: 5 Questions to Consider That May Convince You To Stay Together

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winnondSometimes, it just feels broken. Not “the screw came out and I need to put it back in” broken, but “someone stood on the roof and dropped it off” broken. That’s what your marriage can feel like when it’s gone too far down the road of dis-ease. For some, the “D” word pops into mind. That is an option–the best one at times– but not always.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, be sure the decision is well thought out. Otherwise, you may find that the good decision you thought you made was actually a horrible mistake.

Consider the following before deciding to sign those papers:

  1. What are you really displeased with, the marriage or yourself? Sometimes people assume their personal dissatisfaction is the result of their marriage when it is actually a result of internal conflict. Are you happy with yourself? Do you like the person you’ve become? Are you using the marriage as a distraction from and scapegoat for your personal issues you haven’t dealt with?
  2. What have you done differently to improve your situation? It is so easy to complain about what the other is doing, but did you ever consider that they might change their behavior if you change yours? Imagine how drastically things could improve if BOTH partners took this approach. (Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss this article together.)
  3. Is your spouse “a lost cause”? Some people have  proven track records for being set in their dysfunctional ways, but if this isn’t the case, it could be worth it to have faith. Think about it. Even though you’re spent and feel like taking a midnight train going annnyyyywwhhhheerrree (shout out to Journey!), the fact that you took the time to read this suggests that there’s still some love there. There’s still some hope there. Your spouse may feel the same way.
  4. Is your spouse the devil? Okay, maybe I should have said “a devil.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t marry the devil, but what I was getting at is whether or not your spouse is a good person with a good heart. Despite all the things that make your blood boil, does he/she try to make you happy? Does he/she have good intentions? If you’ve got a good person, chances are they don’t mean to make you feel like you do. It’s hard to find a good, honest, kind mate. If you’ve got one, don’t be so quick to give them up.
  5. Is it impossible to have the type of life you want while staying together? Picture your ideal life, the way you would have it if you were in complete control. Could you see you and your spouse living that life together? Is it possible? (Here’s an example: If you desperately want kids and the other is completely against it.)

The answers to these questions should give you an idea of whether or not you two can happily stay together.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the 4 of Us: Me, My Husband, His Girlfriend and My Boyfriend

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Is 4 a crowd?Stop that! You’re judging me. I can feel it. You took one look at that title and now you think I’m into some freaky stuff. Well, the truth is, I’m not even talking about myself. I’m talking about Towanda. You know Towanda, right? She’s one of singer Toni Braxton’s sisters and 1/5th of the cast of the new reality show Braxton Family Values.   She admitted on the premiere episode that she and her husband date outside of their marriage.

She also said they sleep in separate beds and keep their extramarital activity from their children, so it sounds like the marriage has run its course as far as they’re concerned. Their only reason for staying together is to save the children the emotional stress of a divorce. Considering that divorce is known for having devastating effects on children that last well into adulthood, is there something to be said of a couple who is trying –granted, in a rather non-traditional way–to avoid such a fate?

I usually have definite positions on issues, but I’m not so sure here. On one hand, I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and think dating (other people, that is) should be left to those who haven’t made a serious commitment to God and each other. On the other, I have to applaud them on at least recognizing and considering their children’s feelings and not rushing into something that has such dreaded potential.  I disagree with what they’re doing, but understand why they’re doing it.

Still, though, I can’t help but wonder how it’s all going to turn out. I don’t know how old their children are, but if they’re over the age of 2, they probably already know their parents are sleeping in separate beds. Children are far more perceptive than adults usually realize. And these dates they’re going on, what could possibly come of those relationships? If either of them meets someone they really like, what’s the next step, to continue to date in secret forever? I’m just having trouble seeing how this type of setup would work out in the long run. There’s got to be another option, but what is it?

Should they continue what they’ve been doing, stop dating and stay unhappily married, or divorce and risk hurting the children? None of these options sound all that appealing, but more and more couples are finding themselves facing this crossroads. We can all probably think of at least one person who has stayed married only to keep the children happy.  It may be a good friend or it may be you. This sounds good in theory (because it ensures that children don’t have to grieve the “loss” of a parent or their family) but it doesn’t take into account the fact that simply having both parents in the same house isn’t enough to afford children emotional stability.

One of the best things parents can give their children is a good relationship with the other parent. Not only does this give them a blueprint for how to treat their future spouses, but it also helps build a strong sense of self. When children see mommy and daddy getting along and treating each other with respect, they instinctively know that they deserve the same treatment. When children see that their parents obviously love each other, its so much easier for them to love themselves.

This brings me back to Towanda’s children. What are they seeing? Obviously not the infidelity (thank God), but what? Do they see happy parents, parents that are kind to each other, parents that at least pretend to love each other, or do they see disengaged parents who merely exist in the same space? I don’t know the atmosphere in their home, so I’m not making any assumptions or conclusions. I’m just questioning the environment they’ve created.

What do you think about this situation? Yay or nay? Thoughts, questions, opinions?

~Nadirah Angail

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Sunday Switcheroo Presents: Who Will Help You With Your Coat On?

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger discusses the pressure on women to get married.

By: Mohanalakshmi Rajakumar

For a long time, I faced this question myself: should I settle for the nearest man in my life or should I pursue my dreams? Being a South Asian, the customary reaction from friends and family was a sidelong glance any time I came home announcing my latest plans. A look that said, “Okay, but then what?”

I thought ethnic women were the only ones to succumb to this pressure or to be constantly inundated by it, but it turns that Western women are no less liberated. In fact, in some ways, the lack of frank discussion about the pressure for white women to marry and live the fairy tale of happily ever after makes it harder on them than the ethnic philosophy of “marry and the love will come.”

Two conversations last week brought this to the light.

A friend, a good, dear friend, in a relationship that she herself confesses not to have the ultimate confidence in, said “And if I want to have kids, I don’t have much longer.” This out of the mouth of a 31 one year old.

Implied lesson: I’m not going to get what I want so let me get on with the kids and family bit.

Then on the flight from Qatar to the U.S. I (admittedly observed on television) heard a similar refrain watching the British mini series, LOST IN AUSTEN. The main character says to her mom, “I have standards.”

And the mother, achingly replies, “Standards are good, sweetie, but who will help you with your coat on when you are seventy?”

That is the question, I suppose, for all women, white, black, brown or otherwise.

But, as I challenged 10 American college age women during a visit to my house over pizza, what does being alone really mean? Are we alone because there is not a man in our lives? 

Even on 30 Rock, Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, goes on a date set up by her boss because one night she almost chokes to death while eating a T.V. dinner. So men not only help you in life, their mere existence can help prevent your demise?

I’m not a misanthrope. I am happily married to a nurturing husband and the proud sister of a brilliant young business man.

In general though all cultures still seem to be promoting the sexist male privilege. A man at any age is able to father children and get married. So women of the world unite. We can help each other with our coats while on our various journeys.  Perhaps with a little less pressure we’ll be able to make the choices to be in the places where we will meet Mr. Right.

A Few Words About the Author
Mohanalakshmi Rajakumar is a writer and educator who currently works and lives with her husband in Doha, Qatar. A scholar of literature, she has a PhD from the University of Florida with a focus on gender and postcolonial theory. She has published short stories, academic articles, and travel essays in a variety of journals and literary magazines. Mohana also reviews audio books for Audiofile magazine and regularly contributes to Woman Today. Currently she is working on a collection of essays related to her experiences as a female South Asian American living in the Arabian Gulf. She believes words can help us understand ourselves and others. Follow her on Twitter: @mohanalakshmi

Sunday Switcheroo Presents: Top 10 Ways to Stay Married for Life

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger offers up some much needed tips on staying married.

By: Meagan Frank

This list is not the golden ticket to a thrilling and unbelievable marriage.  That is up to you and your spouse.  What this is, rather, is a condensed list of the practical and common sense things that propelled my marriage from the brink of disaster to more solid ground.  There is wisdom to be had, and practical principles to adopt, but you have to want to make the changes. You have to be open to self-analysis, and if you are, truly great things can happen for your marriage.

It is not new, or fantastic or mind-blowing, but what I found, after 8 years of interviewing, reading, questioning and working is that there are a few things that seem to be most important to the success of a lifelong marriage.

Starting with number ten and working to the number one thing you need to do to stay in a marriage for life:

Number 10-Take Care of Yourself- it is no one’s responsibility but your own.

As nice as it is to have a partner wholly devoted to your every need, it is not usually realistic and I could argue it is not all that healthy.  A partnership is a shared commitment of caring, but it is not a commitment to full responsibility.  If you are unhappy, it is not fair to expect anyone else to be in charge of your happiness.  After marriage, you are part of a couple, but that doesn’t make you any less responsible for yourself.  You need to be a whole person in your marriage…not someone’s other half.

Number 9- Learn to Fight Fair- don’t avoid the fights just avoid the nastiness.

When you are in for the long haul of a marriage, expect that you will have arguments, disagreements, discomfort and miscommunications.  That is the unfortunate reality of being in a human relationship. Because you may not be able to control the discord, it is imperative you learn to control the discourse.

Only use “I” statements when talking with your spouse about your feelings.

Validate the other person’s feelings and respect him/her enough to listen.

Walk away when it gets too heated, and come back when your heart rate has calmed.

It is okay to agree to disagree, and you do not always have to be right.

Learning the fighting strategies of your spouse is important, not so you can change his/her approach, but just so you can put effective energy into having your opinion heard.

Number 8- Pay Attention to Life’s Stressors- awareness of what stresses you out is half the battle.

Acknowledge when you, your spouse, or your marriage may be under attack by one of the big stressors of life.  Getting married, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, a job change, a house move, chronic illness, and financial burdens can all put significant strain on a marriage. It is not easy, but necessary, to recognize when the family unit may be experiencing this kind of stress.  Buckling down and fortifying against these stressors does not make the problem go away, but it does make the going a little easier.

Number 7- Lower your Expectations- Give more than you get. Have a heart of gratitude and generosity instead of a heart of greed.

“Ask not what your marriage can do for you…ask what you can do for your marriage.”

In a culture where immediate gratification comes before almost anything else, it is hard to get out of the mindset of expectation.  We are taught to believe we deserve the best of everything and we are shocked and disappointed when the people around us are not living up to our expectations.

Marriage is more work than anyone wants to acknowledge, and when we lower our expectations to reflect reality instead of fantasy, we are less disappointed and more able to offer the best of ourselves to one another.

Number 6- Ask for What You Need- There are times when your needs are significant enough, then it is extremely important to communicate those needs, lovingly.

Lowering expectations to reflect reality allows for better connection with our spouses, but there are times when we have to stand up and say that even our realistic expectations are not being met.  When you know your spouses communication techniques you can approach at the right time and with the right language to ask for what you need.  Practice the techniques of gentle persuasion, lively debate, formal meeting or written request.  Find the mode of communication that works best for you and your partner, and use it often.

Number 5- Surround Yourself with Supportive Friends and Couples-  No one person can fulfill your emotional needs and the more healthy people you can have in your life, the better off your marriage will be.

Marriage works best with support from family and friends.  When there is an entire network of healthy people to bolster your relationship, you have the support you need when the marriage may be strained.  Your spouse may be the best spouse in the world, but humans are social creatures and we crave fulfilling relationships in all aspects of our lives.  It is silly to assume that one person can fulfill all of our relationship needs.

Number 4- Do Something Gratifying Every Day- What is your passion? Your inspiration? What may be hard to start but makes you feel fantastic when you are done?

Positive psychologist Martin Seligman argues that gratifying experiences (an arduous workout regimen, reading a difficult book, practicing an instrument, volunteering to help others) are the key to lifelong happiness.  When you invest in these activities for yourself (or with your spouse) you are more fulfilled and able to offer more to every relationship in your life, and especially your marriage.

Number 3- Change Your Internal Dialogue- Think about the words you use to talk about your spouse, your marriage, your day-to-day life.  If they are not full of positive energy, they need to be.

How we talk about ourselves, our spouse, our marriage and our day all become a part of who we are.  If we sound more bitter and annoyed than satisfied and excited, that is the feeling we take to the next day.  I tell myself, “My husband is awesome…my husband is awesome…my husband is awesome,” and then I spend some time looking for reasons to defend that.  You find what you are looking for in someone, and that does not preclude your spouse.  Make the effort to change the way you think and talk about your spouse.  Your feelings will follow, and when you share your feelings with your spouse, all of a sudden he/she lives up to your description.

Number 2- Choose the Right Person- It is so important to choose a mate for character above ANYTHING else.

This advice is obviously for the soon-to-be-married or the seriously contemplating among us.  It matters quite a lot that you choose someone who will be able to weather life with you.  Looks are great, muscles are awesome and money doesn’t hurt, but if the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life is void of character, your marriage will struggle significantly.  Integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, work ethic, humility and kindness are all great words to describe the kind of character in a partner that makes a lifelong marriage possible.

Number 1- DECIDE YOU WILL BE MARRIED FOR LIFE- The number one thing a couple must do to ensure they will survive the battlefield of a lifelong marriage is to simply decide it will be so.

Survival experts, the kind who deal with life-and-death survival, will tell you that the number one thing that determines whether someone will survive a traumatic event is their state of mind about the situation.  Simply deciding that they are survivors is the first and most important step to making it through a disaster.

Lifelong marriage is no different. A couple eventually has to come to a point when they decide that “Yes! We are going to be married for life!” Hemming and hawing, questioning and doubting are not all bad for the growth of a marriage, but in order to make it last, a final decision must be made.

A Few Words About the Author

A 1997 graduate of Colorado College, Meagan was a high school English teacher for three years. She married her husband Paul in August of 1998.  Their son, Nate, was born in 2000, their first daughter, Haley,  in 2002, and their second daughter, Kiana, in 2005.  In those five child-bearing years, she was a stay-at-home mom who wrote random musings and convinced one magazine to publish an article of hers.  In fall of 2003, she started research for Choosing to Grow Through Marriage. In the fall of 2005, she was hired as a reporter for The Dunn County News in Menomonie, Wisconsin and for five months she did a variety of writing projects for the paper.  Meagan wrote features, opinion pieces and news articles.  She generally lives in Woodbury, Minnesota, but you can also find her at the family cabin in Wisconsin or at one of her favorite summer vacation spots near Castle Rock, Colorado.

Her book Choosing to Grow: Through Marriage will be released by TreasureLine Books in March 2011.

You can find her author page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Meagan-Frank/107752912591410

Or you can read her blog: www.meaganfrank.wordpress.com

 

Sunday Switcheroo Presents:X Then Y-Resolving Relationship Conflict

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger broaches a topic we’re very familiar with here: relationship conflict.

By: Vicki Hudson

Recently while sharing a meal with complete strangers at the San Francisco Writers Conference, the conversation wandered away from writing to life in general and relationships. My track record of ten years and counting resulted in a query about how did we get so far in this day and age of plug, play, and discard relationships? Good boundaries was my response and we know when not to be right. There was laughter at the first half and confusion at the second part of my response. What the heck did “know when not to be right” mean? This is important since most people know how to stick to their guns, stand up for themselves if it is really important but how many know when giving up is the better option in inter-personal conflicts? I really believe though that knowing when to concede is the key to sustainable relationship as our culture moves deeper and deeper in the forest of disposable relationships.

The bottom line – be more committed to the relationship than to being right. Fundamental to this concept working is a strong foundation in mutual respect as equals. But let’s get to the good part – conflict resolution. Every relationship has conflict over issues large and small. Squeezing the toothpaste tube in the wrong places gets both of us. The correct location for the squeeze is one of perspective. Is this worth an argument or stuffed feelings of aggravation that slip out when triggered by some other disagreement or perspective on something? And there are hundreds of little day to day issues similar to the toothpaste tube that exist when in a relationship. The solution? If the premise is one of mutual respect then both players in this game of life long relationship have a valid claim on being right. If this assertion is accepted then the solution must support both. Easy. Get two tubes of toothpaste. If only one half of the equation cares about the squeeze, then give in if on the other side. Is the toothpaste tube more important than the relationship? No brainer.

The key is recognizing when being right does not matter in the big picture. The internal conversation would go something like this:

“I’m right.”

“Yea, so?”

“No really, I’m right.”

“And that is important why?”

Ahhh, the if/then point of the diagram.

If “why” has anything to do with “because I deserve to be right, or want to be right, or am so invested in my own sense of self worth I can’t ever be wrong” then sinking teeth into the argument until you win is more about you then about what is best for the relationship and by default is good reason to NOT win the fight.

If “why” has its foundation along the lines of “this is what I fundamentally believe is the best choice for our family, or future, or child or life” then by default is good reason to WIN the fight.

Recognize the difference! Internal, all about me verses external all about us.

Okay, so occasionally both sides are on the higher ground. What happens then? Love wins out. The internal conversation is something like this:

“I really want this.”

“Yeah, but do I really need to win this one?”

“But I’m right.”

“Am I so right that I can’t let her/him be right this time instead? Can I live with not being right? Will more harm come from my winning this fight than from giving in?”

Love is able to back down. This is best accompanied by dialogue with one’s partner that explores what the focal important aspect of “being right” is about. Sometimes, just by getting to the emotion beneath the energy pushing one towards pursuit of “winning” the fight, the conflict resolution can be found. Again, this assumes respect between equals who are able to hear, not just listen but really hear what the other says even when tensions are high. This works because even when furious, language is held in check. That which would be instantly regretted is not ever allowed beyond the brain let alone out from the mouth. Violence either physical, emotional, or verbal is never perpetrated. Walking away when needed is respected and asked for when called for. Time to settle hurt or confused feelings is taken, enough to get to saying “that hurt my feelings, this is why…”

Laughter is also important. Locked in conflict yet feel the urge to laugh? Likely that is part of your consciousness telling you that whatever the subject of the fight, it is clearly not worth fighting about because some part of you is finding the process ludicrous. Listen to that.

Finally, occasionally both are locked in the “absolutely right” paradigm. There is a solution but it is a nuclear option best used only rarely of it loses its effectiveness if abused.

Simply, state what you need. “I have to win this one. I have to be right. I have to have this fill in the blank because…” This is the nuclear option in my family because when this card is thrown, all discussion ends. The conflict is over. I give if on the receiving end, I win if my card to throw. No grudge held, no secret seething. It’s done and we move on.

If X then Y. If not more important than the relationship, then do I really need to win? No, I don’t always need to win or always need to be right. If both partners subscribe to this paradigm that includes permission to let go of being right, then conflicts when they do occur will not fester but will be dealt with and resolvable to mutual and balanced satisfaction. Both will get their way some of the time. No one will win all of the time. And when it really double dog down matters, you win. Because I love you is more powerful than I’m right.

A Few Words About the Author

Victoria A. Hudson writes essay and poetry. She occasionally journeys into short story and longer fiction, while pursuing the vocation to create capturing narrative nonfiction. She writes flash for the fun and challenge it provides. Distractions from writing generally involve playing in the dirt, creating culinary concoctions with what came out of the dirt, feral cat control and constant catching up with literary, news, science, geographic, and other such periodicals that arrive in the mail. Her blog Home and Hearth is found at www.throwrockpaperscissors.blogspot.com. Cooking, literary and parenting musings tweet @vickigeist and writing updates @vicki_hudson. She sponsors an emerging writer’s scholarship at the San Francisco Writers Conference annually. Recent credits include inclusion in FLASHBACK 2010 and Powder – Writing by Women in the Ranks, from Vietnam to Iraq.