Tag Archives: Love

On Love vs. Finance: Which is More Important in Marriage?

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If my memory serves me correctly, the popular childhood refrain explains it all: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That’s how it works, right? (Well, minus that baby carriage part. These days, babies show up wheneva, but that’s another topic.) It seems most people would agree that love is a prerequisite for marriage, but that hasn’t always been the case.

Historically, love was not that big of a deal. Often times it grew out of marriage, but wasn’t necessarily there before. Why is that? It’s simple, really. Marriage wasn’t about being with the one you love. It was about creating stable families and communities. Marriage was about protecting the collective, safeguarding the whole. They wanted to make sure the two would produce children and raise them to be productive citizens, thereby ensuring the future of society.  Was it romantic? Not really. But did it work? Yep.

These days, things work pretty differently. The old, business-like model has given way to a heart-ruled approach that gives love and emotional connection top billing. Suddenly, marriage was exciting. It was more than just a fact of life. It was something we looked forward to, yearned for. The heart was running the show, and along with that came the poorly thought out decisions our hearts sometimes coax us into making.

Does that mean marrying for love is a bad idea? Of course not.  I was thoroughly in love with my husband when we married, so I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise, but I also knew that love alone (as strong as it is) would not be enough to make our marriage successful. Love can make you better, but it can also make you foolish.

Love can make an honest and faithful person stay with a cheater. Love can make a kind-hearted man stay with a woman who is emotionally unstable. Love can make a woman repeatedly get pregnant by a lazy, jobless man.  Love is just love. Like an immature child, it’s self centered and only considers itself. That’s why it feels so good, and that’s also why it can be so unstable.

There has to be something more. Couples have to know that even when they’re trapped in discontent, cut off from the peace and solace love usually provides, the marriage can still survive. There should be a deeper commitment, a bridge that carries you back to ease. Is a healthy bank statement enough to be that bridge? Probably not (rich people break up every day), but it is a huge help to at least know that the bills are paid and your belly is full, especially when you have children.

In regards to the question, “Which is more important?”  I can’t give a straight forward answer. You could marry a wealthy jerk and end up divorced just as quickly as anyone else, but I will suggest that women in particular need to pay more attention to finances and not feel guilty because of it. No woman wants to be perceives as a gold digger, but often times this fear prevents us from asking the important questions that need to be addressed. In the same way that our debt and financial history is relevant, so is his. Does he have a savings account? Is there anything in it? Does he have any debt? If so, what kind? Does he have a 5-year financial plan? These are the types of questions a woman should be comfortable asking a man before marriage.

It’s not about finding the richest guy possible. It’s about making a thorough assessment of compatibility, one that does more than simply consider how in love you may be with a person. As women, we must constantly be aware of our wombs – that empty, life-giving space that we could soon find occupied, thanks to the men we let into our lives. And that occupant (God willing) will grow into a small person who will require lots of attention and resources. That’s money. That’s time. That’s attention, energy and love. We owe it to ourselves and our little future occupants to know there’s more to marriage than just love.

~Nadirah Angail

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On My Apology to Marriage

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So, I’ve built a reputation for being a straight-to-the-point, no-nonsense kind of blogger.  Back when I was younger, I remember thinking, “I want to be the type of writer that makes people feel like I’m talking to them, like we’re having a conversation.” I think I’ve done that, particularly with my marriage articles. I get a lot of feedback on them, but I’m scared I may have given some people the wrong idea.

I write a lot about the hardships of marriage and relationships. I do it so much that some people may have gotten the idea that I’m saying marriage is nothing but a headache and a task. I may have some single readers thinking, “Hell, if it’s that hard, I’d rather just stay single. Ain’t  nobody got time for all that.”

I write this way because I want to help couples form more realistic expectations, and I really want to help couples that are struggling, but I never meant to give marriage a bad wrap. The truth is that I absolutely love being married. My husband “put a ring on it” 4 years ago, and haven’t looked back since. Even when we’re fighting and not getting along, I still love it because, even then, I can tell I married a good man who would never hurt me intentionally. I also think arguing teaches me a lot about myself and my weaknesses, so even the bad parts are good.

I love (and I mean really love) being married. It’s absolutely refreshing to have someone I truly trust and love by my side everyday. To me, marriage is about forming a partnership with a person that will help you through life. He lifts you up when you need it, and you do the same for him.  Marriage provides someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to eat with, someone to raise children with, someone to travel with, someone to watch your favorite shows with, someone to do the cleaning with, someone to talk about your food cravings with, someone to share that food with when you do finally get it, someone to… Okay, I think you get the picture. I’ll stop there.

Even with all the annoyances and miscommunication that happen in marriage, I still prefer it to being single. The joy I get from this relationship far outweighs the anger/frustration/straight-up-pissed-offness I feel at times. It’s like parenting. My daughter is the best thing ever in life, but she still makes me upset when she pours her cereal on the floor or writes all over the wall. Still, I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I accept everything that comes along with raising a child, just like I accept everything that comes along with maintaining a marriage. It’s not always easy, but it is always necessary.

Being married has forced me to mature in areas that probably would have remained ignored if I were still single. It has forced me to be more introspective and to challenge myself to do things that, in the end, turn out to be beneficial. In short, marriage rocks! My mother always says, “Choose wisely, treat kindly.” I’ve already made a wise decision. Now I’m busy being kind and enjoying the life we’re creating together.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Incompatible Match That is Chilli and Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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First off, I’m not dissing Chilli. I like her. She seems cool and sweet, but I think she represents a LOT of women who want serious relationships, but don’t know how to go about finding it. There. Now that that’s said, let’s move on.

Have you seen her show, What Chilli Wants? It follows the typical reality show formula: single pop star + many single people of the opposite sex + cameras to record what happens = reality show hit. Unlike many other stars with shows, she doesn’t seem to be merely looking for some fun. She genuinely seems interested in finding a real mate, and while I don’t know why she would take the reality show route (I mean, just look at their track record) I can appreciate that she’s not just another person on TV looking to have televised sex.

She’s made it clear that she wants to find a husband and have another child. Good for her, but with all due respect, Chilli boo, what the hell are you doing? I see that you like Floyd. I see that he’s spontaneous and fun to be with, and the sexual chemistry between you two is blindingly obvious. However, I also see that he is in no way interested in marrying you.

My heart goes out to you, because I know you (and many other women like you) are holding out for the chance that he’ll come around and somehow morph into the man you wish he was. But, let me tell you a little secret: A man that wants to marry you will not behave the way Floyd does. When a man wants to marry you, you’ll know it. He won’t give vague answers to your straightforward questions. He won’t get antsy and avoidant when you bring up the topic of serious relationships, and he won’t leave you feeling confused and frustrated about where your relationship is going.

I can see you have an uneasy feeling about him.You sense his “hesitation” (which is really just a lack of serious interest) and it worries you. Go with that feelings. It’s right on. You shouldn’t have to ask a man 100 times if you two will ever be in a serious relationship. If he avoids the question, don’t say, “Why won’t you answer me? You always do this.” Instead, say, ” Thanks for the answer. Have a nice life.” Then, get up, walk off, and go find you the man you’re really looking for. So many women allow themselves to be stressed by men who have no interest in becoming their husbands. We always talk about how there is a shortage of good men. Maybe that’s true, but even if it is, I guarantee they aren’t so scarce that you have to  resort to begging men who don’t want you.

As marriage-seeking women, we have to understand that not every man is going to accept the terms we set forth, and that’s okay. After all, our bars are pretty high and not every man can clear them. That’s their fault, not ours.  We live in a society where, more and more, marriage is being considered an antiquated waste of time.  Because of the many messy divorces and how extremely accessible casual sex is, many men just aren’t willing to make that permanent commitment. To each his own. I’m not here to try to force anyone who doesn’t want to get married to do so (I’ve got better ways to spend my time), but I am here to encourage women who are seeking marriage to only concern themselves with like-minded men. Your time is too valuable and your body is too precious for you to be wasting them on men who have a zero percent chance of becoming your husband.  Set your standards and stick to them. Period. End of story. Fat lady has finished singing. The curtains have closed.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Ridiculous Twilight Craze

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I wasn’t excited by the magical wizard boy either. I’m just not into fantasy. I prefer things that could really happen. I don’t care if it’s far fetched and extremely unlikely, as long as there is a chance–at least the tiniest possibility–that this could actually happen somewhere to somebody. So when a book-turned-movie about a love triangle between a girl, a vampire and a werewolf hit the scene, I was SO not interested.

After the millionth “OMG. Twilight is my life!” Facebook update, I caved. My dad (also pulled in by all the hype) had rented the movie, so I decided to pop it in. I tried to like it, guys. I really did. I set all my skepticism on the back shelf and tried to enjoy and be captivated like everyone else.

It didn’t work.

In defense of the movie, I will say that I only saw the second one, so that could have something to do with it, but I doubt it. Even without seeing the first one, I was able to follow the storyline pretty well. They did a good job of including enough back story to make the second one relevant to anyone who hasn’t seen the first. It was that whole Bella-Edward dynamic (Is that even his name? I get those guys mixed up?) that bothered me.

I get that she’s young and inexperienced. I get that she’s kind of awkward and doesn’t feel like she really fits in. I get that she sees him as her “vampire in shining armor”, but their relationship is all kinds of unhealthy. I think teens crave the drama of it all. “He’s so hot. She loves him SOOOOOO much. What a dream! I wish I was Bella!”  It seems every questioning, insecure young girl can identify with this character, and her intense love for the “hot” vampire represents that over-the-top romanticized love we’re all fed from birth on. (I put “hot” in quotes because, as hard as I try, I just can’t jump on the “corpse-white, slight-attitude-having vampire” bandwagon.)

You guys know me by now. I’m all about healthy, realistic messages of love. I’m not entertained by scenes of a young girl literally willing to give up her life and soul (her words, not mine) to be with someone who isn’t even of the same species. I’m all for deep, fervent love, but this is crazy. It seems girls are encouraged to lose themselves in love. From the fairytale movies of our childhood, to the pop culture images of our teen years, we are programmed to seek a type of volatile, obsessive love that cannot be managed or contained. This is a serious problem. They start off as harmless teen crushes that usually fade away, but they grow into the troubled relationships that seem to mar the lives of so many women. We grow so dependent on the love (read: validation) of a man that all of our normally-functioning faculties seem to go on vacation.

As Beyonce sings about being “Crazy in love,” quite literally, we experience it. When things are going well, life is grand and we feel like we’re on Cloud 9. Once they go bad, we spiral into a “can’t eat/can’t do anything but eat, can’t sleep/can’t do anything but sleep” type depression that puts a huge rain cloud over our entire lives. Am I exaggerating? You know I’m not. You’ve been through it. I’ve been through it. We all have, but never again.  We must all remember that, until God says otherwise, life goes on, and it is our job to make it the best, most fulfilling life possible.

~Nadirah Angail
nadirahangail.com

On a Super Man, My Husband

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My husband pointed out that our daughter has only been around for 2 months and I’ve dedicated a whole blog to her, but we’ve been married over 2 years and haven’t written anything about him. I told him that I have written about him, just in a more indirect way. He wasn’t convinced. So, here’s to you, dear husband of mine.

It’s nothing short of a blessing to have a good spouse. Considering all the crazy, disrespectful people that seem to dominate popular media, it’s amazing to have someone that is sane (got to have that) kind and generous. Regardless of if we’re all willing to admit it, everyone wants to be loved and accepted. Everyone wants to do good things, and get recognition for it. Everyone wants to speak kind words and hear them returned. Everyone wants to give out love and receive it back. It’s our hearts’ natural inclination to do so. We may try to cover it up with baser things, but sooner or later, needs must be met.

I gladly confess that you have helped me to meet those needs. I consider myself equal to those that balance the emission and consumption of love like the scales of justice. They’ve found their comfort. I’ve found mine.  And though this comfort is not always comfortable, it is sturdy and safe. I pray we enrich each other like the fruit and the soil, each giving of itself so the other can thrive.

And then there’s Zara. No transition needed. She’s that sweet little chocolate drop we call our daughter. We’ve been entrusted to raise her right, and I do believe I’ve been wise in my choosing. She looks like you and laughs like me so she’s already showing us how we affect her. She’s already producing the  familiar energy that we gifted her in the womb.  I love her because I love you. I love you because I love her.  The cycle is mesmerizing.

I say it a lot so you won’t forget. I say it a lot so I won’t neglect. I love you. I love you. I love you.

wed

~Nadirah Angail

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