Tag Archives: infidelity

On the 4 of Us: Me, My Husband, His Girlfriend and My Boyfriend

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Is 4 a crowd?Stop that! You’re judging me. I can feel it. You took one look at that title and now you think I’m into some freaky stuff. Well, the truth is, I’m not even talking about myself. I’m talking about Towanda. You know Towanda, right? She’s one of singer Toni Braxton’s sisters and 1/5th of the cast of the new reality show Braxton Family Values.   She admitted on the premiere episode that she and her husband date outside of their marriage.

She also said they sleep in separate beds and keep their extramarital activity from their children, so it sounds like the marriage has run its course as far as they’re concerned. Their only reason for staying together is to save the children the emotional stress of a divorce. Considering that divorce is known for having devastating effects on children that last well into adulthood, is there something to be said of a couple who is trying –granted, in a rather non-traditional way–to avoid such a fate?

I usually have definite positions on issues, but I’m not so sure here. On one hand, I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and think dating (other people, that is) should be left to those who haven’t made a serious commitment to God and each other. On the other, I have to applaud them on at least recognizing and considering their children’s feelings and not rushing into something that has such dreaded potential.  I disagree with what they’re doing, but understand why they’re doing it.

Still, though, I can’t help but wonder how it’s all going to turn out. I don’t know how old their children are, but if they’re over the age of 2, they probably already know their parents are sleeping in separate beds. Children are far more perceptive than adults usually realize. And these dates they’re going on, what could possibly come of those relationships? If either of them meets someone they really like, what’s the next step, to continue to date in secret forever? I’m just having trouble seeing how this type of setup would work out in the long run. There’s got to be another option, but what is it?

Should they continue what they’ve been doing, stop dating and stay unhappily married, or divorce and risk hurting the children? None of these options sound all that appealing, but more and more couples are finding themselves facing this crossroads. We can all probably think of at least one person who has stayed married only to keep the children happy.  It may be a good friend or it may be you. This sounds good in theory (because it ensures that children don’t have to grieve the “loss” of a parent or their family) but it doesn’t take into account the fact that simply having both parents in the same house isn’t enough to afford children emotional stability.

One of the best things parents can give their children is a good relationship with the other parent. Not only does this give them a blueprint for how to treat their future spouses, but it also helps build a strong sense of self. When children see mommy and daddy getting along and treating each other with respect, they instinctively know that they deserve the same treatment. When children see that their parents obviously love each other, its so much easier for them to love themselves.

This brings me back to Towanda’s children. What are they seeing? Obviously not the infidelity (thank God), but what? Do they see happy parents, parents that are kind to each other, parents that at least pretend to love each other, or do they see disengaged parents who merely exist in the same space? I don’t know the atmosphere in their home, so I’m not making any assumptions or conclusions. I’m just questioning the environment they’ve created.

What do you think about this situation? Yay or nay? Thoughts, questions, opinions?

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Coolest Thing Ever: Cheating

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So, there I was, sitting on the sofa, thinking, What am I going to write about today? Maybe “cheating.” That’s always a popular topic. Just as I finished my thought, a character on whatever random TV show that happened to be on said, “Come on, everybody cheats. It’s no big deal,” or something like that. I wasn’t really watching the show, so I may have mixed up his quote a bit, but I think I’m pretty close. Though the TV guy was actually talking about cheating on a test, I felt it was a sign.  He was trying to tell me something. Behind his words was a secret message: “You’ve got to address this, Nad. It’s out of control! Someone has to say something, and I think it should be you.” Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, TV guy. I never knew you believed in me *tear*.

Okay, so maybe the TV guy wasn’t really sending me a secret message. Most likely, all he was doing was delivering his lines, but I still want to address this topic. I was at a viewing of  the black marriage documentary You Saved Me, and we began to discuss why so many relationships are falling apart. “Because everyone is cheating. Everyone I know in a relationship is either cheating or being cheated on. It’s crazy!” a woman in the audience said. Sounds like she’s been talking to TV guy, or maybe she’s just aware of the reality. Stats on the issue can only give us a partial view of the problem, because it’s hard to get people to be honest about their “extracurricular activities.” Accepted percentages range anywhere from 30 to 60%, with various factors affecting those numbers (Buss and Shackelford, 1997). Whichever number you choose to believe, go ahead and add another 10% to that to account for all the people that lied and said they didn’t when they did.

Despite the elusiveness of concrete, reportable numbers, one thing is clear: Cheating is must more accepted these days. Many people, married and dating, have come to accept cheating a normal part of life. Some cite the human being’s–particularly the male’s–propensity toward multiple partners over a lifetime. Others view love and relationships as temporary and not all that serious. They see cheating as a minor infraction, something they probably shouldn’t do, but “oh well” if they do, just like littering. Everyone knows littering is wrong, but many people do it anyway and don’t feel bad in the least.

Reasons for Cheating (according to me. Completely opinion based.)

  • Because of the Ego Boost-For some, usually those that have boyfriends or girlfriends and not spouses, cheating is actually cool. It shows how desirable they are. They like the fact that they can attract not only one mate, but several. It’s like a 5-Hour Energy shot to the ego. That’s why it’s so exciting when a person who is already in a relationship meets someone new.  It reminds them that, “Hey, you’re one sexy mutha… (Shut yo’ mouth!)” Among most married people, who have more to lose, cheating isn’t quite as cool, but it still delivers the same ego boost. Sometimes, married people feel like they’ve gotten stale, like they’ve lost touch with their inner “go getter.” Cheating offers a comforting reminder that they’ve still got it.
  • Because you can- This one is pretty simple. As more opportunities for cheating present themselves and fewer consequences threaten to punish the behavior, more people are willing to do it.  Let’s take women, for example. Back before women joined the workforce and started generating their own income, women were a lot less likely to cheat. They couldn’t. They had too much too lose. If they got caught and their husbands left them, where would they go? Who would provide for them and their children? Now, women are making their own money and don’t necessarily need their husbands for financial stability. That makes it easier for them to take the risk of cheating.  (Note of clarification: I am not saying that the remedy to cheating is for women to stop working. So, please, no angry comments suggesting I’m anti-women.) Let’s look at young, unmarried men (16-25). For a lot of them, there is almost no reason not to cheat. There are many young, naive, needy women willing to put up with the behavior and  many young, troubled home-wreckers-in-training willing to engage in the behavior. That’s a recipe for disaster.
  • Because the more sex you have, the cooler you are to your friends- There is a double standard here when it comes to sexual promiscuity in men and women. Women are expected not to jump in the bed with every guy they meet, but men, on the other hand, are praised for the exact same behavior. Men like Bishop Don “Magic” Juan (an actual pimp) and Hue Hefner (a de facto pimp) are considered cool, and many young men rush out to imitate their behavior.
  • Because hedonism is our way of life- In our society, there is rarely a need to deny yourself anything. If you want it, you should have it (especially when you’re young.) That’s why so many Americans are overwrought with debt, and that’s why cheating is so accepted. If you find yourself interested in another person, dog-gonit, you should go for it! Never mind the relationship you’re already in. What matters now is that you see something pretty and shiny, and you deserve to have it.
  • Because we don’t know how to properly deal with relationship/emotional problems- Cheating isn’t always about how sexually irresistible the other person is. Sometimes, it’s about what’s going on inside the relationship and inside the individual. When things get tricky and we find ourselves in unhappy relationships, the easiest remedy is to escape (ie cheat). Cheating can also feed emotional issues that cause us to self-sabotage and avoid true intimacy.

There are probably many other reasons I could have included on this list, but I think I’ve created a strong enough case for the sexiness of cheating. In my opinion, cheating is not sexy or cool or normal. It is a choice. It is not something that just happens (as if our hands are tied), and it is not inevitable. It is a relationship destroyer that is bound to complicate your life and hurt the person you love. Being in a committed relationship is hard enough. There are issues of finances, lifestyle, parenting, sex, etc. that are bound to come up, even in the best of relationships. These four things are enough to keep you on your toes for a lifetime. There is no need to add in something else. If you’d like to have many sexual partners, you have the right to do that as a single person, but once you get married or get in a committed relationship, you forfeit that right in exchange for something beautiful and secure.

~Nadirah Angail

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Resources

Buss, D. M., & Shackelford, T. K. (1997). Susceptibility to infidelity in the first year of marriage. Journal of Research in Personality, 31, 193-221.