Tag Archives: how to revive a marriage

On Staying: 5 Questions to Consider That May Convince You To Stay Together

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winnondSometimes, it just feels broken. Not “the screw came out and I need to put it back in” broken, but “someone stood on the roof and dropped it off” broken. That’s what your marriage can feel like when it’s gone too far down the road of dis-ease. For some, the “D” word pops into mind. That is an option–the best one at times– but not always.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, be sure the decision is well thought out. Otherwise, you may find that the good decision you thought you made was actually a horrible mistake.

Consider the following before deciding to sign those papers:

  1. What are you really displeased with, the marriage or yourself? Sometimes people assume their personal dissatisfaction is the result of their marriage when it is actually a result of internal conflict. Are you happy with yourself? Do you like the person you’ve become? Are you using the marriage as a distraction from and scapegoat for your personal issues you haven’t dealt with?
  2. What have you done differently to improve your situation? It is so easy to complain about what the other is doing, but did you ever consider that they might change their behavior if you change yours? Imagine how drastically things could improve if BOTH partners took this approach. (Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss this article together.)
  3. Is your spouse “a lost cause”? Some people have  proven track records for being set in their dysfunctional ways, but if this isn’t the case, it could be worth it to have faith. Think about it. Even though you’re spent and feel like taking a midnight train going annnyyyywwhhhheerrree (shout out to Journey!), the fact that you took the time to read this suggests that there’s still some love there. There’s still some hope there. Your spouse may feel the same way.
  4. Is your spouse the devil? Okay, maybe I should have said “a devil.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t marry the devil, but what I was getting at is whether or not your spouse is a good person with a good heart. Despite all the things that make your blood boil, does he/she try to make you happy? Does he/she have good intentions? If you’ve got a good person, chances are they don’t mean to make you feel like you do. It’s hard to find a good, honest, kind mate. If you’ve got one, don’t be so quick to give them up.
  5. Is it impossible to have the type of life you want while staying together? Picture your ideal life, the way you would have it if you were in complete control. Could you see you and your spouse living that life together? Is it possible? (Here’s an example: If you desperately want kids and the other is completely against it.)

The answers to these questions should give you an idea of whether or not you two can happily stay together.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Happily Being Unhappily Married

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Unhappily married sign It’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. It’s just not. But, who am I telling? You already know that, I’m sure. If you’ve been married more than 10 day, you’ve already experienced that. I’m sure. Marriage is work, so much work that sometimes it seems it would be better to just quit. That’s the quickest and easiest option, but is it the best? According to an article entitled Marriage Crossroads: Why Divorce Is Often Not the Best Option, anywhere from 1/3 to 2/3 of divorced couples (depending on circumstances and location) regret ending their marriages (Barlow, 2003). Considering this information, it may just be better to learn how to happily be unhappy.

I know what it sounds like. I know the phrase itself makes you uneasy. It should because, at first glance, it sounds like I’m saying, “Stay in your marriage no matter how unhappy you are, just to preserve the marriage.” I assure you, that is not the message I intend to send. Though I do consider myself a marriage advocate, I do not support maintaining dysfunction simply to preserve the family. I’m more about ending the dysfunction to reinstate the happiness (and preserve the family).

A wonderful friend of mine (check out her site) told me her mother once said, “Sometimes, you have to learn how to be divorced within your marriage.” My own mother has made similar statements. Thank God for the sage wisdom of mothers, because they really have a good point here. Again, this isn’t about accepting the unhappiness and letting it grow and fester. It’s about understanding the pendulum of marriage health. The condition of a marriage is not static. It changes, swinging back and forth between elation and extreme frustration. This is no different than the many other challenging duties we accept as part of our lives. For example, even the most successful entrepreneurs have days—or months even—where they’d rather just throw in the towel. And even the most doting parents reach that “I’m about to go crazy” point now and again. As my favorite lion king, Mufasa, pointed out, “It’s all a part of the circle of life.”

So, where does that leave unhappily married couples who can’t even stand to be around each other? It leaves them in great company. Practically all couples go through rough patches where they seriously rethink the day they said, “I do.” But, that doesn’t mean they should call it quits. Sure, divorce is warranted at times—certain things just aren’t worth saving—but many, many, many marriages are. Have you ever been so angry about something, only to look back on it later and laugh at how big of a deal it seemed at the time? Couples who “stick it out” can often relate to this feeling. They may not be laughing at the situation, but they’re grateful they didn’t draw up any paperwork.

The book The Case For Marriage reports that “77 percent of the stably married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy (a one on a scale of one to seven) in the late eighties said that the same marriage was either ‘very happy’ or ‘quite happy’ five years later” (Waite and Gallagher, p. 148-149, 2000). If a couple who rated their marriage a 1 out of 7 can turn things around, so can you. The question isn’t, “Is it possible?” The question is, “How?”

Steps to Rebuilding Happiness in Your Marriage

1.) Don’t freak out or draw conclusions. Things aren’t going well now, but it’s not necessarily the end of the world. If your spouse isn’t severely mentally ill, abusive, a drug addict, harmful to the children, a serial cheater, a serial killer, or just a plain old heartless monster, the odds are already in your favor!

2.) Make a commitment to get through this hump. When couples make it to the other side of unhappiness, it’s because they made it a point to do so. Things won’t just magically get better. It’ll take time. Give the marriage that time.

3.) Change your behavior. Before you present your list of complaints about what the other is doing wrong, make a list of the things you can improve and start improving them. You’d be surprised at how big of a difference you’ll notice in the other person after you decide to change yourself.

4.) Get your argument tactics together. Some of the sweetest, coolest people think it’s okay to fly off the handle when they’re in a fight. Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you can say and do anything you want. Consider what John Gottman calls the Headless Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. (Find out more about these here.)

5.) Celebrate the positive changes, regardless of how small they may be. The change won’t be overnight, but you should notice things slowly getting better. Even if it’s something teeny weeny, it’s a step in the right direction. Don’t ignore it.

Resources

Barlow, B. (2003). Marriage crossroads: why divorce is not the best option . Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

Waite, L. and Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. New York, NY: Doubleday.

~Nadirah Angail

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