Tag Archives: how to find a husband

On 20 Signs That They Really Are Into You

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This is a follow up to the “He’s Just Not That Into You” post. Yes, you should know when he isn’t really interested, but you should also know when he is sincerely interested. You may be thinking, “That’s easy,” but not for all women. Sometimes, we get so used to dealing with minimally-interested men that we don’t even understand the words and actions of men who are more serious.

If your significant other…

  • wants to be around you and finds ways to work you into his schedule no matter how busy
  • calls you for reasons other than, “Hey, can I…uh…come over?” (hint, hint)
  • seems like he really wants to take care of you, not in a “sugar daddy” kind of way, but in a “I really care about you and want to make sure you’re okay” kind of way
  • makes it clear that he’s not just after you body
  • wants to introduce you to his friends and family
  • want to do things that you want to do, just to be around you. “You want to watch a marathon of “The Game?” Ok, boo, but only because it’s you.”
  • talks to you about what’s going on in his life
  • puts distance between himself and his ex’s and makes sure they know it is so over and that he has moved on
  • always lets you know where he is and always takes your calls. If he misses your call, he’ll let you know why and it will be a legitimate reason
  • doesn’t use the fact that he’s mad at you as an excuse to speak to you disrespectfully or to “revisit” old flames.
  • holds you accountable when you’re wrong, not because he wants to start a fight, but because he wants to help you improve your flaws (and vise versa)
  • takes an interest in you life (family, friends, career, hobbies)
  • doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable when around other women when you’re out in public
  • doesn’t let his friends talk about you in a disrespectful way
  • always acts like he’s in a committed relationship, even when you aren’t around
  • is always upfront about his past, so you never have to hear anything on the street
  • never involves you in drama (ex. has random women calling your phone)
  • never makes you wonder about what you mean to him and where he wants the relationship to go
  • is supportive of your goals
  • never criticizes your body  (and hates if you do)

… then he really is into you. This guy may seem weird if you’re not used to this kind of man, but in this case, weird is good. This is the type of normal you should get used to.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Moving Past the Hurt and Opening Your Heart to a Good Man

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I was talking to a friend today about a new guy in her life.  She was telling me how he’d made it past the 14-day trial period. Usually when she meets a guy, she’s lost interest by the end of two weeks. That’s about how long it takes most guys to prove they are NOT for her. This new guy, though, has been holding strong for about a month, and she’s a little scared. This is new territory here.

You know how you get calls from telemarketers, whose calls you usually try to avoid, and they’re putting on this big show about whatever product or service they’re selling and how you can’t live without it? They have all these positive things to say about it and, honestly, it’s sounding a little bit interesting (though you’d never let them know that).  Still, as you’re listening to the spiel, you’re thinking, “Yea, okay, what’s the catch?” You just know this has to be too good to be true. Finally, at the end, the callers says something like, “And it can all be yours for the low price of $99.99/month.”

CLICK. You hang up the phone. There’s your catch.

Well, anyway, I think that’s how my friend is feelings. She (like many of us women) has dealt with enough men to know that the wonderfully-charming man you meet at first isn’t always the same guy you end up investing your time and energy in. So–understandably–she’s hesitant. She’s been hurt by other guys and does not want to go through that again. I could definitely relate. Many of us can.

It seems many woman have at least one horror story about a man that hurt her in unspeakable ways. We carry this pain with us in our bodies and let it direct our speech and actions when it comes to potential mates. Sometimes, this is helpful, because it keeps us from getting involved with the same type of man. Other times, it actually does more harm than good. At what point do we stop being afraid and finally let down our guard just enough for a new man to squeeze through?

It is completely normal and in our best interest to learn from our past experiences, so it makes sense that one hurtful man makes the road harder for the next, but we have to be careful that the road doesn’t become impassible. If you’re content with the idea of being alone forever, then go ahead and keep stacking those bricks around your heart, but if you’d like to move past this and start fresh, you may want to stop stacking.

Well, wait. Don’t stop stacking just yet. First, you need to make sure this new guy is worth your time and not a repeat of the man that made you start stacking in the first place. Following are some tips on how to gauge when is the right time to create some space for new love.

  • Watch for the signs you didn’t catch with the other guy – There are always signs, but we don’t always allow ourselves to see them, perhaps because he was so cute or so smooth or seemed so intelligent. We let the butterflies in our bellies talk us out of noticing those things he says or does that are indicative of bigger problems. That’s what happened with the last guy, but not this time. You won’t let it. When you’re together, pay attention to the signs he sends. Is he doing things that lead you to believe he is selfish, immature, needy, cruel, a potential cheater, or unable to communicate effectively? If so, this is not the guy to open your heart to.
  • Keep a wall around the “goodies”- Some women are so scared to let a man into their hearts, but quick to let him into their beds . What kind of sense does that make? Having sex with a man who may be history in a few weeks is only going to create more emotional baggage for you to carry into your next relationship. Let him know upfront that there will be no sex until (you fill in the blank). If he is fine with this, that’s a sign you may have a winner, but if he gets upset and starts delivering ultimatums, this is not the guy to open your heart to.
  • Rate his interest- What is this guy after? Does he seem really interested, as in, “I’m looking for wife material. No games here”? Or is his interest better described as, “You look like a nice way to pass the next few weeks”? It should be pretty easy to tell them apart. A man who just wants fun will be highly physical and to the point. He won’t show much interest in the other parts of you. This is not the guy to open your heart to.
  • Wait to see if he proves himself- If you tell a good man you’ve been hurt and need to take things slowly, he’ll respect that. Instead of harping on the fact that you’re not moving at the pace he would prefer, he’ll busy himself with the job of proving he is different from the previous guy. How will he do this? There are many ways, but it mostly boils down to being patient and present. He will continue to make his interest known (but not in a stalkerish way) and do small deeds to start to fill in the hole the other guy left. (Example: sending you a “just because” text or buying you a package of pens because he noticed you never had anything to write with. At this point, big gifts are a no-no.  If he’s trying to buy your affection, he’s… you guessed it… not the guy to open your heart to.
  • Don’t be scared by the awkward feeling- If your past relationships have been unhealthy, and the new guy seems very different from what you’re used to, don’t freak out. It’s probably a good sign. Marriage-worthy men and those merely looking to party behave differently. If you’ve gotten used to the ways of Mr. Party, Mr. Marriage will seem strange at first. It’s okay. Just go with it. That feeling wears off. You’ve just got to retrain your thinking about what is and isn’t normal and acceptable in a man.

Hopefully, these tips help you ease your way into a new and healthy relationship. Good luck (even though I don’t really believe in luck)!

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Incompatible Match That is Chilli and Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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First off, I’m not dissing Chilli. I like her. She seems cool and sweet, but I think she represents a LOT of women who want serious relationships, but don’t know how to go about finding it. There. Now that that’s said, let’s move on.

Have you seen her show, What Chilli Wants? It follows the typical reality show formula: single pop star + many single people of the opposite sex + cameras to record what happens = reality show hit. Unlike many other stars with shows, she doesn’t seem to be merely looking for some fun. She genuinely seems interested in finding a real mate, and while I don’t know why she would take the reality show route (I mean, just look at their track record) I can appreciate that she’s not just another person on TV looking to have televised sex.

She’s made it clear that she wants to find a husband and have another child. Good for her, but with all due respect, Chilli boo, what the hell are you doing? I see that you like Floyd. I see that he’s spontaneous and fun to be with, and the sexual chemistry between you two is blindingly obvious. However, I also see that he is in no way interested in marrying you.

My heart goes out to you, because I know you (and many other women like you) are holding out for the chance that he’ll come around and somehow morph into the man you wish he was. But, let me tell you a little secret: A man that wants to marry you will not behave the way Floyd does. When a man wants to marry you, you’ll know it. He won’t give vague answers to your straightforward questions. He won’t get antsy and avoidant when you bring up the topic of serious relationships, and he won’t leave you feeling confused and frustrated about where your relationship is going.

I can see you have an uneasy feeling about him.You sense his “hesitation” (which is really just a lack of serious interest) and it worries you. Go with that feelings. It’s right on. You shouldn’t have to ask a man 100 times if you two will ever be in a serious relationship. If he avoids the question, don’t say, “Why won’t you answer me? You always do this.” Instead, say, ” Thanks for the answer. Have a nice life.” Then, get up, walk off, and go find you the man you’re really looking for. So many women allow themselves to be stressed by men who have no interest in becoming their husbands. We always talk about how there is a shortage of good men. Maybe that’s true, but even if it is, I guarantee they aren’t so scarce that you have to  resort to begging men who don’t want you.

As marriage-seeking women, we have to understand that not every man is going to accept the terms we set forth, and that’s okay. After all, our bars are pretty high and not every man can clear them. That’s their fault, not ours.  We live in a society where, more and more, marriage is being considered an antiquated waste of time.  Because of the many messy divorces and how extremely accessible casual sex is, many men just aren’t willing to make that permanent commitment. To each his own. I’m not here to try to force anyone who doesn’t want to get married to do so (I’ve got better ways to spend my time), but I am here to encourage women who are seeking marriage to only concern themselves with like-minded men. Your time is too valuable and your body is too precious for you to be wasting them on men who have a zero percent chance of becoming your husband.  Set your standards and stick to them. Period. End of story. Fat lady has finished singing. The curtains have closed.

~Nadirah Angail

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