Tag Archives: happiness

On Staying: 5 Questions to Consider That May Convince You To Stay Together

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winnondSometimes, it just feels broken. Not “the screw came out and I need to put it back in” broken, but “someone stood on the roof and dropped it off” broken. That’s what your marriage can feel like when it’s gone too far down the road of dis-ease. For some, the “D” word pops into mind. That is an option–the best one at times– but not always.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, be sure the decision is well thought out. Otherwise, you may find that the good decision you thought you made was actually a horrible mistake.

Consider the following before deciding to sign those papers:

  1. What are you really displeased with, the marriage or yourself? Sometimes people assume their personal dissatisfaction is the result of their marriage when it is actually a result of internal conflict. Are you happy with yourself? Do you like the person you’ve become? Are you using the marriage as a distraction from and scapegoat for your personal issues you haven’t dealt with?
  2. What have you done differently to improve your situation? It is so easy to complain about what the other is doing, but did you ever consider that they might change their behavior if you change yours? Imagine how drastically things could improve if BOTH partners took this approach. (Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss this article together.)
  3. Is your spouse “a lost cause”? Some people have  proven track records for being set in their dysfunctional ways, but if this isn’t the case, it could be worth it to have faith. Think about it. Even though you’re spent and feel like taking a midnight train going annnyyyywwhhhheerrree (shout out to Journey!), the fact that you took the time to read this suggests that there’s still some love there. There’s still some hope there. Your spouse may feel the same way.
  4. Is your spouse the devil? Okay, maybe I should have said “a devil.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t marry the devil, but what I was getting at is whether or not your spouse is a good person with a good heart. Despite all the things that make your blood boil, does he/she try to make you happy? Does he/she have good intentions? If you’ve got a good person, chances are they don’t mean to make you feel like you do. It’s hard to find a good, honest, kind mate. If you’ve got one, don’t be so quick to give them up.
  5. Is it impossible to have the type of life you want while staying together? Picture your ideal life, the way you would have it if you were in complete control. Could you see you and your spouse living that life together? Is it possible? (Here’s an example: If you desperately want kids and the other is completely against it.)

The answers to these questions should give you an idea of whether or not you two can happily stay together.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Monsters Under the Bed: How Fear Inhibits our Success

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Monster under the bed

Leah Warkentin

You know how some people are really wild sleepers, limbs hanging all off the bed and whatnot? I’m not like that. Never have been.  I always make sure everything is safe and sound within the confines of my Sealy Posturpedic. When I was young (around 7 or 8), I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something lurking under that bed that wouldn’t hesitate to snap off any stray fingers or toes that tempted it. I wasn’t sure what, but in my mind it resembled an alligator. It’ s not that I actually believed anything was under there–I already knew the real deal on monsters, the Boogie Man, the Tooth Fairy and all them–but still, the feeling was there.

Even now as an adult, I can still relate to that uneasy feelings, and in more ways than the obvious. Sure, I still keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, but (on a deeper level) I also play it safe when it comes to pursuing new and important things. I think we all do. Well, not all of us. There are those fearless few who go for it and continue to go for it–despite temporary defeat– until their dreamed success becomes real (think P. Diddy, Donald Trump, Tyler Perry, Steve Jobs) but many of us remain frozen, trapped on that bed, scared to even expose a toe.

There are so many of us with ideas we’d like to enact, but you’d never know it. We keep it to ourselves, perhaps mention it as a joke here and there, and then let it whither and die. Langston Hughes already posed the question about a dream deferred, but we still seem eager to find out for ourselves. In the (modified) words of Rick James, “Fear is a hell of a drug.” And it’s not so much the fear of failure itself. It’s the fear of failing in front of THEM. “Who is ‘them’?” you ask. Them is everyone. It’s your parents, your siblings, your friends, your enemies, your Facebook fam, your Twitter followers, your husband, your wife, your boo,  your neighbors, your kids, your mailman, your neighborhood grocery store bag boy… It’s everyone that isn’t you.

If we could attempt our dreams in secret and let no one be the wiser, many of us would. That way, if and when we fail, there’d be no eyes watching, no record of it ever happening. But, as we all know, that’s not how it works. When you go after something you want, and I mean truly go after it with intensity and intent, you have no choice but to step off the bed. You have to put yourself out there, taking the chance that everyone may see you crash and burn.

And why is that such a bad thing? Sure, its embarrassing, but it’s a part of life and a learning experience. In the (unmodified) words of Albert Einstein, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” So, so what if they watch you fail. Hopefully, they’ve watched themselves fail, too. If not, they’re clearly not the type of people you want to concern yourself with. “Those who spend their time laughing at and criticizing others invest little time in themselves.” I came up with that one myself, but it’s just as true.

The best of those around you will encourage you to get up and keep going. They’ll encourage you to be like van Gogh. Most everyone has seen his famed Starry Night. (We used to have a printing of it in our living room.) But, most people don’t know that of all the paintings van Gogh completed, he only sold one in his lifetime, and it wasn’t even Starry Night. Sadly, it wasn’t until after his death that he gained his current fame.  I don’t tell this story to be depressing, but to exemplify true dedication. He didn’t let his many unsold paintings keep him from painting another. He didn’t let the discouraging words he undoubtedly received stop him from doing what he loved. He had a deep passion for painting, and so he did that. For this, the art world is eternally grateful. I need to have that van Gogh dedication. You need to have that van Gogh dedication. We all need it. It’s the only way to get where we want to be.

~Nadirah Angail

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