Tag Archives: failure

On Monsters Under the Bed: How Fear Inhibits our Success

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Monster under the bed

Leah Warkentin

You know how some people are really wild sleepers, limbs hanging all off the bed and whatnot? I’m not like that. Never have been.  I always make sure everything is safe and sound within the confines of my Sealy Posturpedic. When I was young (around 7 or 8), I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something lurking under that bed that wouldn’t hesitate to snap off any stray fingers or toes that tempted it. I wasn’t sure what, but in my mind it resembled an alligator. It’ s not that I actually believed anything was under there–I already knew the real deal on monsters, the Boogie Man, the Tooth Fairy and all them–but still, the feeling was there.

Even now as an adult, I can still relate to that uneasy feelings, and in more ways than the obvious. Sure, I still keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, but (on a deeper level) I also play it safe when it comes to pursuing new and important things. I think we all do. Well, not all of us. There are those fearless few who go for it and continue to go for it–despite temporary defeat– until their dreamed success becomes real (think P. Diddy, Donald Trump, Tyler Perry, Steve Jobs) but many of us remain frozen, trapped on that bed, scared to even expose a toe.

There are so many of us with ideas we’d like to enact, but you’d never know it. We keep it to ourselves, perhaps mention it as a joke here and there, and then let it whither and die. Langston Hughes already posed the question about a dream deferred, but we still seem eager to find out for ourselves. In the (modified) words of Rick James, “Fear is a hell of a drug.” And it’s not so much the fear of failure itself. It’s the fear of failing in front of THEM. “Who is ‘them’?” you ask. Them is everyone. It’s your parents, your siblings, your friends, your enemies, your Facebook fam, your Twitter followers, your husband, your wife, your boo,  your neighbors, your kids, your mailman, your neighborhood grocery store bag boy… It’s everyone that isn’t you.

If we could attempt our dreams in secret and let no one be the wiser, many of us would. That way, if and when we fail, there’d be no eyes watching, no record of it ever happening. But, as we all know, that’s not how it works. When you go after something you want, and I mean truly go after it with intensity and intent, you have no choice but to step off the bed. You have to put yourself out there, taking the chance that everyone may see you crash and burn.

And why is that such a bad thing? Sure, its embarrassing, but it’s a part of life and a learning experience. In the (unmodified) words of Albert Einstein, “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” So, so what if they watch you fail. Hopefully, they’ve watched themselves fail, too. If not, they’re clearly not the type of people you want to concern yourself with. “Those who spend their time laughing at and criticizing others invest little time in themselves.” I came up with that one myself, but it’s just as true.

The best of those around you will encourage you to get up and keep going. They’ll encourage you to be like van Gogh. Most everyone has seen his famed Starry Night. (We used to have a printing of it in our living room.) But, most people don’t know that of all the paintings van Gogh completed, he only sold one in his lifetime, and it wasn’t even Starry Night. Sadly, it wasn’t until after his death that he gained his current fame.  I don’t tell this story to be depressing, but to exemplify true dedication. He didn’t let his many unsold paintings keep him from painting another. He didn’t let the discouraging words he undoubtedly received stop him from doing what he loved. He had a deep passion for painting, and so he did that. For this, the art world is eternally grateful. I need to have that van Gogh dedication. You need to have that van Gogh dedication. We all need it. It’s the only way to get where we want to be.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Failure rate of Therapy

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therapyI’ve been back and forth about whether or not I want to continue in the marriage and family therapy field. It can be rewarding sometimes when I see families or couples changing in front of my eyes, but a lot of times, I see them leaving the room no different that when they came in. That’s when my self-doubt and insecurity speak up. “You’re obviously a bad therapist.” “You haven’t done anything to help these people.” “Everyone would be better off if you just quit.”

These types of thoughts take a toll on you, no matter how confident you may have been at the start.  It wasn’t long before I found myself desperately searching for another job, one that had nothing to do with therapy. Now, over three months removed, I’m able to see the situation a little differently. I know that, for a lot of those clients, the lack of movement had little, if anything, to do with me.  I was trained as a therapist, not a magician. There’s no magic wand I can wave to make everything perfect. A lot of the work has to be done by those seeking help, not the helper. And if they’re not prepared to do that, therapeutic success is virtually impossible.  

When someone needs help, they need it sooner rather than later, and in most cases, we understand this concept. If we’re carrying a big load, we ask for help before we drop it. If our houses catch fire, we call the fire fighters before it burns down. But when it comes to our most important personal relationships, our minds seem to go blank. We forget that sooner is better than later. We wait until we’re at our wits end and can’t stand the sight of the other person to seek help. At that point, there’s little that can be done. The window of opportunity is nearly closed.

Other times, people try therapy just for the look, not for the benefit. People in this category already know they want to end the relationship, but agree to therapy just to say they tried. In a case like this, no amount of work done by the therapist or other party can fix the problem. Therapy turns out to be nothing more than a cover up and a set up.  Without truly motivated participants, there is no room for positive change to enter the relationship. This rule applies inside and outside of the therapy room.  No one person can save a relationship, no matter how determined. This can be a hard pill to swallow for gung-ho types that see ending the relationship as a non-option. They, like me, may see the end of the relationship as a failure on their part, a definitive flaw in their being.  

We are so used to being defined by what we can do, that our self esteem often takes a serious hit when we come across something we can’t do, regardless of the fact that relationships are interpersonal and cannot, in any way, be created, maintained or improved by one party alone. Perhaps when we destigmatize the idea of therapy (which doesn’t have to be administered in an office setting) people will be encouraged to act sooner rather than later.

When things are going well, couples tend to be more social, making their easy love visible, but when things get hard, the barriers go up. They disappear into seclusion, shielding themselves during the most vulnerable and fragile time. That is when we should be reaching out the most, when we’re frustrated, angry, hurt and confused. That is when we should be taking advantage of the rich resources we can find within our parents, close friends, therapeutic professionals and religious leaders. But, because of the shame that our egos make us feel, we deny ourselves the very things we need the most. It’s ok not to have all the answers. It’s ok to love someone, but not know how to make it work. You don’t have to do it alone. It doesn’t have to fail.

 ~Nadirah Angail
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