Tag Archives: Divorce

On the Good of the Bad: What We Can Learn From Bad Breakups

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photo credit: idea go, freedigitalphotos.netI’ve had my heart broken before. Hurts real bad. Like, real bad. But looking back, I’m thankful. No matter how hard we try, we can’t prevent all of the bad things that will happen in our lives. They come  along with the territory, and it’s our job to learn from these experiences we so wish we could erase.

So, back to my heartache. At the time, I was just so upset. I couldn’t understand how someone I wanted to be with so badly didn’t want to be with me. It blew my mind. I was so wrapped up in that pain that I wasn’t even myself anymore. Y’all know me. I like to laugh, be silly, crack jokes, have fun and just take a “hakuna matata” approach to things. That’s how I usually am, but that Nadirah back them was different.  You know how on some TV shows everything turns black and white when someone is sad? That’s how I felt. All my color was gone.

I don’t know what changed or when it changed, but at some point, I realized I needed my color back… real bad.  As angry/ready to burn something/upset/hurt/enraged/disgusted  as I was, all that energy was doing nothing to make me feel better and nothing to the person I thought I was directing it at.

And with that realization, I let it go. Just like that. I told myself, “I wish this hadn’t happened, but it has and I can’t let it stop me from being happy.” I wanted my color back, and that statement helped me get it.  It didn’t come flooding back, but it came. I got a little blue, a little red, then some purple, yellow and green. It was a process.

With all my color back, I was able to move on, get married and have some freakin’ awesome kids, but I still wondered in the back of my mind, “Dag, did it have to go down like that? I mean, couldn’t it have been a cool, amicable separation? Did I have to be all devastated and such?”  I wondered that every now and then and never came to any conclusion. Then one day, when it wasn’t even on my mind, the answer fell out of the sky.

“Yes, it did have to go down like that. Now, shut up and accept your life lessons!” Ok, I added that last part. Sorry for lying ;)

I realized then that, had it been a peaceful breakup, I wouldn’t have come out the person I am today. I feel so at ease and balanced in my current relationship, but I am only able to feel that way because I was so over-the-top and out of balance in my last. I had poured myself so deeply into that relationship that I hadn’t left much for myself. That’s why I felt so hurt and empty when it ended. I literally was empty. I had given myself away.

I came into this relationship differently. Sure, I still love hard, but not so hard that I lose myself. Not so hard that I feel like I can’t exist without him, because the truth is that I can exist without him. Of course I don’t want to, but I can and would if I had to.  The same goes for him. Until God says otherwise, life always goes on, so I always have to remember that “going on” is actually possible.

That’s what I got out of my bad breakup, and that’s what has given my marriage the beautiful hue it has today. I don’t think I would have learned that any other way. So, for all the tears and heartache, I am thankful.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Staying: 5 Questions to Consider That May Convince You To Stay Together

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winnondSometimes, it just feels broken. Not “the screw came out and I need to put it back in” broken, but “someone stood on the roof and dropped it off” broken. That’s what your marriage can feel like when it’s gone too far down the road of dis-ease. For some, the “D” word pops into mind. That is an option–the best one at times– but not always.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, be sure the decision is well thought out. Otherwise, you may find that the good decision you thought you made was actually a horrible mistake.

Consider the following before deciding to sign those papers:

  1. What are you really displeased with, the marriage or yourself? Sometimes people assume their personal dissatisfaction is the result of their marriage when it is actually a result of internal conflict. Are you happy with yourself? Do you like the person you’ve become? Are you using the marriage as a distraction from and scapegoat for your personal issues you haven’t dealt with?
  2. What have you done differently to improve your situation? It is so easy to complain about what the other is doing, but did you ever consider that they might change their behavior if you change yours? Imagine how drastically things could improve if BOTH partners took this approach. (Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss this article together.)
  3. Is your spouse “a lost cause”? Some people have  proven track records for being set in their dysfunctional ways, but if this isn’t the case, it could be worth it to have faith. Think about it. Even though you’re spent and feel like taking a midnight train going annnyyyywwhhhheerrree (shout out to Journey!), the fact that you took the time to read this suggests that there’s still some love there. There’s still some hope there. Your spouse may feel the same way.
  4. Is your spouse the devil? Okay, maybe I should have said “a devil.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t marry the devil, but what I was getting at is whether or not your spouse is a good person with a good heart. Despite all the things that make your blood boil, does he/she try to make you happy? Does he/she have good intentions? If you’ve got a good person, chances are they don’t mean to make you feel like you do. It’s hard to find a good, honest, kind mate. If you’ve got one, don’t be so quick to give them up.
  5. Is it impossible to have the type of life you want while staying together? Picture your ideal life, the way you would have it if you were in complete control. Could you see you and your spouse living that life together? Is it possible? (Here’s an example: If you desperately want kids and the other is completely against it.)

The answers to these questions should give you an idea of whether or not you two can happily stay together.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the 4 of Us: Me, My Husband, His Girlfriend and My Boyfriend

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Is 4 a crowd?Stop that! You’re judging me. I can feel it. You took one look at that title and now you think I’m into some freaky stuff. Well, the truth is, I’m not even talking about myself. I’m talking about Towanda. You know Towanda, right? She’s one of singer Toni Braxton’s sisters and 1/5th of the cast of the new reality show Braxton Family Values.   She admitted on the premiere episode that she and her husband date outside of their marriage.

She also said they sleep in separate beds and keep their extramarital activity from their children, so it sounds like the marriage has run its course as far as they’re concerned. Their only reason for staying together is to save the children the emotional stress of a divorce. Considering that divorce is known for having devastating effects on children that last well into adulthood, is there something to be said of a couple who is trying –granted, in a rather non-traditional way–to avoid such a fate?

I usually have definite positions on issues, but I’m not so sure here. On one hand, I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and think dating (other people, that is) should be left to those who haven’t made a serious commitment to God and each other. On the other, I have to applaud them on at least recognizing and considering their children’s feelings and not rushing into something that has such dreaded potential.  I disagree with what they’re doing, but understand why they’re doing it.

Still, though, I can’t help but wonder how it’s all going to turn out. I don’t know how old their children are, but if they’re over the age of 2, they probably already know their parents are sleeping in separate beds. Children are far more perceptive than adults usually realize. And these dates they’re going on, what could possibly come of those relationships? If either of them meets someone they really like, what’s the next step, to continue to date in secret forever? I’m just having trouble seeing how this type of setup would work out in the long run. There’s got to be another option, but what is it?

Should they continue what they’ve been doing, stop dating and stay unhappily married, or divorce and risk hurting the children? None of these options sound all that appealing, but more and more couples are finding themselves facing this crossroads. We can all probably think of at least one person who has stayed married only to keep the children happy.  It may be a good friend or it may be you. This sounds good in theory (because it ensures that children don’t have to grieve the “loss” of a parent or their family) but it doesn’t take into account the fact that simply having both parents in the same house isn’t enough to afford children emotional stability.

One of the best things parents can give their children is a good relationship with the other parent. Not only does this give them a blueprint for how to treat their future spouses, but it also helps build a strong sense of self. When children see mommy and daddy getting along and treating each other with respect, they instinctively know that they deserve the same treatment. When children see that their parents obviously love each other, its so much easier for them to love themselves.

This brings me back to Towanda’s children. What are they seeing? Obviously not the infidelity (thank God), but what? Do they see happy parents, parents that are kind to each other, parents that at least pretend to love each other, or do they see disengaged parents who merely exist in the same space? I don’t know the atmosphere in their home, so I’m not making any assumptions or conclusions. I’m just questioning the environment they’ve created.

What do you think about this situation? Yay or nay? Thoughts, questions, opinions?

~Nadirah Angail

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On Why Your Marriage is So Hard: The Swiss Cheese Metaphor

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Why is marriage so hard? It’s a question all married people have asked themselves. Even single people take a stab at this enigma when they hear about what some married couples (or soon-to-be divorced couples) go through. Relationships in general can be trying; ask anyone with a parent or a sibling. They’ll tell you (like you don’t already know for yourself) about the difficulties of being in relation to others. But, still, there is something different about romantic relationships. They often reach a level of difficulty that other relationships don’t even come close to.

I have a thing for metaphors. I think they have a special way of driving home a point and making it palatable in a way that plain word cannot, so I came up with one: marriage is hard because you are like a piece of Swiss cheese. See, now doesn’t that make everything crystal clear? Can’t you see a bright light and hear peaceful harps playing? What? You don’t? Fine, I’ll explain more.

You are like a piece of Swiss cheese. We all are. For the most part, we’re pretty solid, but we’ve all got little holes in us that are the result of insecurities, perceived deficiencies, unresolved traumas and emotional hang-ups. Despite these holes, most of us get along in life pretty well. We’re able to hide them, compensate for them, camouflage them. Whatever it takes to make it through the day. That becomes our normal routine, until that magical day when we meet “the One.” Fireworks explode, dramatic music plays and a group of doves fly across the sky. You’re in love!

“Finally,” you say to your new love, “I’ve found someone that will complete me by filling my many holes. Thanks to you, my life will now be perfect and hole-free!” And for a short while (a time referred to as the honeymoon phase) it is. You actually feel like a complete piece of cheese. You continue to feel this way until one day when you happen to pass by a mirror and notice that (gasp) your holes are still there! “I’ve been tricked, hoodwinked, bamboozled,” you exclaim.

After the initial shock fades, you calm down. “He didn’t fill my holes, but he will,” you say, rubbing your hands together and letting out one of those creepy mad scientist laughs. You decide that all your spouse needs is a little help. That’s when you set out to change him–either through covert manipulation or outright coercion–into the hole-filler you want him to be. That’s when things get hard.

We all have certain expectations that we put on our mates. Many of these expectations (though we don’t even realize it) are intended to fill our holes. For example, a person with self esteem issues may expect their spouse to constantly feed their ego and always make them feel like the king of the world. They don’t realize they’re trying to get a hole filled. They simply think they’re expecting the spouse to be supportive. Another person with abandonment issues may expect their spouse to be extremely attentive–to the point of clinginess. This person also doesn’t realize their hole-filling agenda. They just think they’re expecting the spouse to be caring and considerate.

We all have holes that can lead us to hold our spouses to unrealistic expectations, and until we realize this, we will constantly be dissatisfied with our spouses’ abilities to satisfy us. We will constantly look to them to give us something they don’t possess: our happiness. As wonderful as your spouse is, he can’t be your everything. I don’t care how many sappy love songs use that exact lyric (“You are my everything,”) it’s just not true. If everything you have and are comes from this other person, what are you adding to the relationship? And what happens to you if that person leaves? What are you left with? You should have your own happiness that you willingly share with your spouse. That way, during those moments when they upset you, you’ll have your own happiness to rest in. During those moments when they can’t understand or relate to you, you’ll have your own peace to retreat to. During those moments when they can’t stand you, you’ll have your own sense of worth to lean on. Understanding this won’t make marriage a breeze, but it makes it a lot easier.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Happily Being Unhappily Married

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Unhappily married sign It’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. It’s just not. But, who am I telling? You already know that, I’m sure. If you’ve been married more than 10 day, you’ve already experienced that. I’m sure. Marriage is work, so much work that sometimes it seems it would be better to just quit. That’s the quickest and easiest option, but is it the best? According to an article entitled Marriage Crossroads: Why Divorce Is Often Not the Best Option, anywhere from 1/3 to 2/3 of divorced couples (depending on circumstances and location) regret ending their marriages (Barlow, 2003). Considering this information, it may just be better to learn how to happily be unhappy.

I know what it sounds like. I know the phrase itself makes you uneasy. It should because, at first glance, it sounds like I’m saying, “Stay in your marriage no matter how unhappy you are, just to preserve the marriage.” I assure you, that is not the message I intend to send. Though I do consider myself a marriage advocate, I do not support maintaining dysfunction simply to preserve the family. I’m more about ending the dysfunction to reinstate the happiness (and preserve the family).

A wonderful friend of mine (check out her site) told me her mother once said, “Sometimes, you have to learn how to be divorced within your marriage.” My own mother has made similar statements. Thank God for the sage wisdom of mothers, because they really have a good point here. Again, this isn’t about accepting the unhappiness and letting it grow and fester. It’s about understanding the pendulum of marriage health. The condition of a marriage is not static. It changes, swinging back and forth between elation and extreme frustration. This is no different than the many other challenging duties we accept as part of our lives. For example, even the most successful entrepreneurs have days—or months even—where they’d rather just throw in the towel. And even the most doting parents reach that “I’m about to go crazy” point now and again. As my favorite lion king, Mufasa, pointed out, “It’s all a part of the circle of life.”

So, where does that leave unhappily married couples who can’t even stand to be around each other? It leaves them in great company. Practically all couples go through rough patches where they seriously rethink the day they said, “I do.” But, that doesn’t mean they should call it quits. Sure, divorce is warranted at times—certain things just aren’t worth saving—but many, many, many marriages are. Have you ever been so angry about something, only to look back on it later and laugh at how big of a deal it seemed at the time? Couples who “stick it out” can often relate to this feeling. They may not be laughing at the situation, but they’re grateful they didn’t draw up any paperwork.

The book The Case For Marriage reports that “77 percent of the stably married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy (a one on a scale of one to seven) in the late eighties said that the same marriage was either ‘very happy’ or ‘quite happy’ five years later” (Waite and Gallagher, p. 148-149, 2000). If a couple who rated their marriage a 1 out of 7 can turn things around, so can you. The question isn’t, “Is it possible?” The question is, “How?”

Steps to Rebuilding Happiness in Your Marriage

1.) Don’t freak out or draw conclusions. Things aren’t going well now, but it’s not necessarily the end of the world. If your spouse isn’t severely mentally ill, abusive, a drug addict, harmful to the children, a serial cheater, a serial killer, or just a plain old heartless monster, the odds are already in your favor!

2.) Make a commitment to get through this hump. When couples make it to the other side of unhappiness, it’s because they made it a point to do so. Things won’t just magically get better. It’ll take time. Give the marriage that time.

3.) Change your behavior. Before you present your list of complaints about what the other is doing wrong, make a list of the things you can improve and start improving them. You’d be surprised at how big of a difference you’ll notice in the other person after you decide to change yourself.

4.) Get your argument tactics together. Some of the sweetest, coolest people think it’s okay to fly off the handle when they’re in a fight. Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you can say and do anything you want. Consider what John Gottman calls the Headless Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. (Find out more about these here.)

5.) Celebrate the positive changes, regardless of how small they may be. The change won’t be overnight, but you should notice things slowly getting better. Even if it’s something teeny weeny, it’s a step in the right direction. Don’t ignore it.

Resources

Barlow, B. (2003). Marriage crossroads: why divorce is not the best option . Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.

Waite, L. and Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. New York, NY: Doubleday.

~Nadirah Angail

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