Tag Archives: dating

Sunday Switcheroo Presents: Who Will Help You With Your Coat On?

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger discusses the pressure on women to get married.

By: Mohanalakshmi Rajakumar

For a long time, I faced this question myself: should I settle for the nearest man in my life or should I pursue my dreams? Being a South Asian, the customary reaction from friends and family was a sidelong glance any time I came home announcing my latest plans. A look that said, “Okay, but then what?”

I thought ethnic women were the only ones to succumb to this pressure or to be constantly inundated by it, but it turns that Western women are no less liberated. In fact, in some ways, the lack of frank discussion about the pressure for white women to marry and live the fairy tale of happily ever after makes it harder on them than the ethnic philosophy of “marry and the love will come.”

Two conversations last week brought this to the light.

A friend, a good, dear friend, in a relationship that she herself confesses not to have the ultimate confidence in, said “And if I want to have kids, I don’t have much longer.” This out of the mouth of a 31 one year old.

Implied lesson: I’m not going to get what I want so let me get on with the kids and family bit.

Then on the flight from Qatar to the U.S. I (admittedly observed on television) heard a similar refrain watching the British mini series, LOST IN AUSTEN. The main character says to her mom, “I have standards.”

And the mother, achingly replies, “Standards are good, sweetie, but who will help you with your coat on when you are seventy?”

That is the question, I suppose, for all women, white, black, brown or otherwise.

But, as I challenged 10 American college age women during a visit to my house over pizza, what does being alone really mean? Are we alone because there is not a man in our lives? 

Even on 30 Rock, Tina Fey’s character, Liz Lemon, goes on a date set up by her boss because one night she almost chokes to death while eating a T.V. dinner. So men not only help you in life, their mere existence can help prevent your demise?

I’m not a misanthrope. I am happily married to a nurturing husband and the proud sister of a brilliant young business man.

In general though all cultures still seem to be promoting the sexist male privilege. A man at any age is able to father children and get married. So women of the world unite. We can help each other with our coats while on our various journeys.  Perhaps with a little less pressure we’ll be able to make the choices to be in the places where we will meet Mr. Right.

A Few Words About the Author
Mohanalakshmi Rajakumar is a writer and educator who currently works and lives with her husband in Doha, Qatar. A scholar of literature, she has a PhD from the University of Florida with a focus on gender and postcolonial theory. She has published short stories, academic articles, and travel essays in a variety of journals and literary magazines. Mohana also reviews audio books for Audiofile magazine and regularly contributes to Woman Today. Currently she is working on a collection of essays related to her experiences as a female South Asian American living in the Arabian Gulf. She believes words can help us understand ourselves and others. Follow her on Twitter: @mohanalakshmi

On Relationship-Killing Friends

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You’ve heard the saying “birds of a feather flock together,” right? Well, it’s not always true. Sometimes, we find ourselves flocking to bird whose feathers are nothing like our own. See, you want to be in a happy, peaceful, lasting relationship, but your friends? It’s hard to tell what they want. Some of them seem to want a relationship, because they keep men around, but the quality of those men is… shall we say… questionable. (And they have the nerve to try to introduce you to one of his friends.) Your other friends seem not to want a man, because they love to get their male bash on, but it’s obvious they’re lonely, because they’re calling you every night.

A time or two, the thought did run through your mind that some of your girls are relationship killers, but you quickly dismissed it because you know they’re only looking out for you. Your male friends have requested that you stop taking their poisonous advice, but you told them to ease up. They don’t know them like you do. Meanwhile, your last relationship was over a year ago, and the only people that are happy about that fact are your friends. “Don’t worry, girl. Single is the new married! And you don’t have to worry about no man trying to tell you what to do.”

That’s true. You don’t have to worry about a man telling you what to do. You also don’t have to worry about him rubbing your back, massaging your feet, leaving you sweet voice mails with that smooth voice of his, or helping you carry groceries into the house. Anytime one of your single friends claims men only want to tell you what to do, know that she’s a relationship killer, and know that she’ll do her best to get you to ditch any man you do find.

I know, I know. That’s your girl, and “relationship killer” is such a harsh term. You don’t want to go throwing it around all willy nilly, but ask yourself a few questions.

  • If she introduces you to a guy, is he the type of guy you like (mature, kind, intelligent) or the type of guy she likes (smooth-talking, partying, overly-flirtatious)?
  • When you tell her about a new prospect, is she quick to disapprove before giving him a chance?
  • If you call her during a frustrating time to talk about the argument you just had, is she quick to jump to conclusions and encourage you to end it?
  • Does she seem to assume that all the men you’re interested in are just like the losers she’s dated in the past?

If you answered “yes” to any of these, face it, your girl is a killer and needs to be locked up. Okay, maybe she doesn’t need to be locked up, but you definitely need to put some distance between the two of you. Just because a person wants to be your friend doesn’t mean they know how to be your friend. We all have needs, and one of yours is a set of friends that will support your goal of finding a good man. You need friends who will steer you toward the good men and away from the jerks. These are the people that will prove to be an asset in your life.

My friends are supportive of my relationship. I can rest assured that if I called one of them up screaming “I’m out of this marriage,” they’d talk me off the ledge and do their best to help, instead of quickly offering to come over and help me move.  A relationship is between two people, but it is affected by all the people around it. Don’t think for a second that your friends have nothing to do with your love life (or lack thereof). So, take the time to ask yourself, “What kind of people do you have around your relationship?”

~Nadirah Angail

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On Saying No to Nookie: A Dating Girl’s Guide to Abstinence

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Introduce abstinence into your relationship and see how it changes things.

I know it’s 2011. I know shows like Sex and the City have “liberated” women and made casual sex cool, a woman’s right.  Still, I’m writing this. If you’ve read my last post on abstaining while dating, then you know I’m not coming to you from the pulpit. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re being preached to. This is about taking certain steps to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship. Some women have no interest in abstaining. They’re perfectly happy having sex with the men they date and do not want to stop. This isn’t for them. This is for the women who have noticed patterns of hurt and dysfunction in their past relationships that involved premature sex and the many complications it brings with it.

We all know how abstinence is promoted: “You should do it, but everyone knows you won’t.” It’s treated like a lofty, untouchable goal that “good girls” should say they have, but put no real effort into attaining. Therein lies the problem. No one sees it as reasonable and possible. No one is taught how to conduct themselves in order to make it a serious goal. The result is a bunch of sexed up people  who can’t figure out why things keep going  awry.

If you’d like to take abstinence out of the sky and make it real and tangible, follow these rules and see how your relationships change.

  • Have a strong reason for doing it (or should I say “not doing it”)- People that are successful in abstinence often have a deep connection to the decision. Do you want to do it for religious reasons or do you just believe it will honestly help and de-complicate your relationships? Either way, you need to know why you’ve made this decision.
  • See it as a lifestyle change, not simply avoiding sex- This is where many people fail. They tell themselves they won’t have sex, but continue to be as flirty, lovey-dovey, and touchy as they’ve always been. Human nautre being what it is, it doesn’t take long for old habits to take over. In order to be successful, you have to change your behavior.  It’s not just about cutting out sex. It’s about eliminating (or at least significantly reducing) sexual behavior. Don’t sit on his lap. Don’t invite him over late at night to “just chill.”  Don’t wear your “freakum dress” around him. Don’t plan to make-out all night, thinking you’ll just stop before things go to far. Let’s be real. You’ve been there. You’ve done that. We both know what happened.
  • Show him before you tell him- No one starts a conversation by saying, “Hi, I’m Nad, and I will NOT be having sex with you.” That’s a surefire way to weird him out. In the beginning, who you will or won’t be having sex with is none of his business, but your behavior should give him a clue as to what he’s dealing with.  If you’re very “friendly” from jump, he’s going to get the idea that sex is most definitely on the horizon, but if you set clear boundaries and let him know he’s going to have to put in some work, he’ll know you’re the real deal when you do start to discuss sex.  Ask a man. He’ll tell you about all the women that said they were celibate, but quickly proved themselves wrong. Don’t be that woman.
  • Don’t be scared that abstinence will be a turn-off for him- Some women have sex just to keep him interested. “Girl, he’s too cute to let go. If he’s not getting it from me, I know he’ll just go get it somewhere else.”  Believe it or not, there are men that will respect your decision (and even prefer) to wait.  If a man becomes upset or tries to give you an ultimatum, what he’s really saying is, “I’m not the one for you.”

Are you abstinent? Has it improved your relationships? What tactics have you used to stick to your decision?

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~Nadirah Angail

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Sunday Switcheroo Presents:X Then Y-Resolving Relationship Conflict

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger broaches a topic we’re very familiar with here: relationship conflict.

By: Vicki Hudson

Recently while sharing a meal with complete strangers at the San Francisco Writers Conference, the conversation wandered away from writing to life in general and relationships. My track record of ten years and counting resulted in a query about how did we get so far in this day and age of plug, play, and discard relationships? Good boundaries was my response and we know when not to be right. There was laughter at the first half and confusion at the second part of my response. What the heck did “know when not to be right” mean? This is important since most people know how to stick to their guns, stand up for themselves if it is really important but how many know when giving up is the better option in inter-personal conflicts? I really believe though that knowing when to concede is the key to sustainable relationship as our culture moves deeper and deeper in the forest of disposable relationships.

The bottom line – be more committed to the relationship than to being right. Fundamental to this concept working is a strong foundation in mutual respect as equals. But let’s get to the good part – conflict resolution. Every relationship has conflict over issues large and small. Squeezing the toothpaste tube in the wrong places gets both of us. The correct location for the squeeze is one of perspective. Is this worth an argument or stuffed feelings of aggravation that slip out when triggered by some other disagreement or perspective on something? And there are hundreds of little day to day issues similar to the toothpaste tube that exist when in a relationship. The solution? If the premise is one of mutual respect then both players in this game of life long relationship have a valid claim on being right. If this assertion is accepted then the solution must support both. Easy. Get two tubes of toothpaste. If only one half of the equation cares about the squeeze, then give in if on the other side. Is the toothpaste tube more important than the relationship? No brainer.

The key is recognizing when being right does not matter in the big picture. The internal conversation would go something like this:

“I’m right.”

“Yea, so?”

“No really, I’m right.”

“And that is important why?”

Ahhh, the if/then point of the diagram.

If “why” has anything to do with “because I deserve to be right, or want to be right, or am so invested in my own sense of self worth I can’t ever be wrong” then sinking teeth into the argument until you win is more about you then about what is best for the relationship and by default is good reason to NOT win the fight.

If “why” has its foundation along the lines of “this is what I fundamentally believe is the best choice for our family, or future, or child or life” then by default is good reason to WIN the fight.

Recognize the difference! Internal, all about me verses external all about us.

Okay, so occasionally both sides are on the higher ground. What happens then? Love wins out. The internal conversation is something like this:

“I really want this.”

“Yeah, but do I really need to win this one?”

“But I’m right.”

“Am I so right that I can’t let her/him be right this time instead? Can I live with not being right? Will more harm come from my winning this fight than from giving in?”

Love is able to back down. This is best accompanied by dialogue with one’s partner that explores what the focal important aspect of “being right” is about. Sometimes, just by getting to the emotion beneath the energy pushing one towards pursuit of “winning” the fight, the conflict resolution can be found. Again, this assumes respect between equals who are able to hear, not just listen but really hear what the other says even when tensions are high. This works because even when furious, language is held in check. That which would be instantly regretted is not ever allowed beyond the brain let alone out from the mouth. Violence either physical, emotional, or verbal is never perpetrated. Walking away when needed is respected and asked for when called for. Time to settle hurt or confused feelings is taken, enough to get to saying “that hurt my feelings, this is why…”

Laughter is also important. Locked in conflict yet feel the urge to laugh? Likely that is part of your consciousness telling you that whatever the subject of the fight, it is clearly not worth fighting about because some part of you is finding the process ludicrous. Listen to that.

Finally, occasionally both are locked in the “absolutely right” paradigm. There is a solution but it is a nuclear option best used only rarely of it loses its effectiveness if abused.

Simply, state what you need. “I have to win this one. I have to be right. I have to have this fill in the blank because…” This is the nuclear option in my family because when this card is thrown, all discussion ends. The conflict is over. I give if on the receiving end, I win if my card to throw. No grudge held, no secret seething. It’s done and we move on.

If X then Y. If not more important than the relationship, then do I really need to win? No, I don’t always need to win or always need to be right. If both partners subscribe to this paradigm that includes permission to let go of being right, then conflicts when they do occur will not fester but will be dealt with and resolvable to mutual and balanced satisfaction. Both will get their way some of the time. No one will win all of the time. And when it really double dog down matters, you win. Because I love you is more powerful than I’m right.

A Few Words About the Author

Victoria A. Hudson writes essay and poetry. She occasionally journeys into short story and longer fiction, while pursuing the vocation to create capturing narrative nonfiction. She writes flash for the fun and challenge it provides. Distractions from writing generally involve playing in the dirt, creating culinary concoctions with what came out of the dirt, feral cat control and constant catching up with literary, news, science, geographic, and other such periodicals that arrive in the mail. Her blog Home and Hearth is found at www.throwrockpaperscissors.blogspot.com. Cooking, literary and parenting musings tweet @vickigeist and writing updates @vicki_hudson. She sponsors an emerging writer’s scholarship at the San Francisco Writers Conference annually. Recent credits include inclusion in FLASHBACK 2010 and Powder – Writing by Women in the Ranks, from Vietnam to Iraq.

 

 

On 20 Signs That They Really Are Into You

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This is a follow up to the “He’s Just Not That Into You” post. Yes, you should know when he isn’t really interested, but you should also know when he is sincerely interested. You may be thinking, “That’s easy,” but not for all women. Sometimes, we get so used to dealing with minimally-interested men that we don’t even understand the words and actions of men who are more serious.

If your significant other…

  • wants to be around you and finds ways to work you into his schedule no matter how busy
  • calls you for reasons other than, “Hey, can I…uh…come over?” (hint, hint)
  • seems like he really wants to take care of you, not in a “sugar daddy” kind of way, but in a “I really care about you and want to make sure you’re okay” kind of way
  • makes it clear that he’s not just after you body
  • wants to introduce you to his friends and family
  • want to do things that you want to do, just to be around you. “You want to watch a marathon of “The Game?” Ok, boo, but only because it’s you.”
  • talks to you about what’s going on in his life
  • puts distance between himself and his ex’s and makes sure they know it is so over and that he has moved on
  • always lets you know where he is and always takes your calls. If he misses your call, he’ll let you know why and it will be a legitimate reason
  • doesn’t use the fact that he’s mad at you as an excuse to speak to you disrespectfully or to “revisit” old flames.
  • holds you accountable when you’re wrong, not because he wants to start a fight, but because he wants to help you improve your flaws (and vise versa)
  • takes an interest in you life (family, friends, career, hobbies)
  • doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable when around other women when you’re out in public
  • doesn’t let his friends talk about you in a disrespectful way
  • always acts like he’s in a committed relationship, even when you aren’t around
  • is always upfront about his past, so you never have to hear anything on the street
  • never involves you in drama (ex. has random women calling your phone)
  • never makes you wonder about what you mean to him and where he wants the relationship to go
  • is supportive of your goals
  • never criticizes your body  (and hates if you do)

… then he really is into you. This guy may seem weird if you’re not used to this kind of man, but in this case, weird is good. This is the type of normal you should get used to.

~Nadirah Angail

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