Tag Archives: bad

On the Good of the Bad: What We Can Learn From Bad Breakups

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photo credit: idea go, freedigitalphotos.netI’ve had my heart broken before. Hurts real bad. Like, real bad. But looking back, I’m thankful. No matter how hard we try, we can’t prevent all of the bad things that will happen in our lives. They come  along with the territory, and it’s our job to learn from these experiences we so wish we could erase.

So, back to my heartache. At the time, I was just so upset. I couldn’t understand how someone I wanted to be with so badly didn’t want to be with me. It blew my mind. I was so wrapped up in that pain that I wasn’t even myself anymore. Y’all know me. I like to laugh, be silly, crack jokes, have fun and just take a “hakuna matata” approach to things. That’s how I usually am, but that Nadirah back them was different.  You know how on some TV shows everything turns black and white when someone is sad? That’s how I felt. All my color was gone.

I don’t know what changed or when it changed, but at some point, I realized I needed my color back… real bad.  As angry/ready to burn something/upset/hurt/enraged/disgusted  as I was, all that energy was doing nothing to make me feel better and nothing to the person I thought I was directing it at.

And with that realization, I let it go. Just like that. I told myself, “I wish this hadn’t happened, but it has and I can’t let it stop me from being happy.” I wanted my color back, and that statement helped me get it.  It didn’t come flooding back, but it came. I got a little blue, a little red, then some purple, yellow and green. It was a process.

With all my color back, I was able to move on, get married and have some freakin’ awesome kids, but I still wondered in the back of my mind, “Dag, did it have to go down like that? I mean, couldn’t it have been a cool, amicable separation? Did I have to be all devastated and such?”  I wondered that every now and then and never came to any conclusion. Then one day, when it wasn’t even on my mind, the answer fell out of the sky.

“Yes, it did have to go down like that. Now, shut up and accept your life lessons!” Ok, I added that last part. Sorry for lying ;)

I realized then that, had it been a peaceful breakup, I wouldn’t have come out the person I am today. I feel so at ease and balanced in my current relationship, but I am only able to feel that way because I was so over-the-top and out of balance in my last. I had poured myself so deeply into that relationship that I hadn’t left much for myself. That’s why I felt so hurt and empty when it ended. I literally was empty. I had given myself away.

I came into this relationship differently. Sure, I still love hard, but not so hard that I lose myself. Not so hard that I feel like I can’t exist without him, because the truth is that I can exist without him. Of course I don’t want to, but I can and would if I had to.  The same goes for him. Until God says otherwise, life always goes on, so I always have to remember that “going on” is actually possible.

That’s what I got out of my bad breakup, and that’s what has given my marriage the beautiful hue it has today. I don’t think I would have learned that any other way. So, for all the tears and heartache, I am thankful.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Carefully-Crafted Bad Kids

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bad kidConsidering that I’m not officially a parent yet, part of me feels like I don’t have the right to speak on this topic. The other part of me feels that I’ve been around enough children to know what I’m talking about. I’ll let the latter part be the bigger influence today. Children are a lot of work, period. I doubt many would dispute that statement. Even the best behaved children can make you wish they had an “Off” switch. It’s not their fault. They have to be busy, inquisitive, adventurous, and sometimes rebellious. These are the normal stages they go through so that they can develop into well adjusted adults.    

So, it bothers me to see normal children, doing nothing more than what they’re supposed to at their age, being berated by their parents and called “bad.” When you’re 2 year old won’t sit down and adopts “no!” as his favorite response to anything you say, he’s not being bad. He’s exercising his newfound independence and ability to choose for himself. Of course this is frustrating, but it shouldn’t be characterized as bad. This only agitates the child and harms his budding self esteem.

If children’s behaviors aren’t viewed within the context of their developmental stages, bad behaviors are likely to be inadvertently encouraged and prolonged. Like the 5 year old that reassured me that “I’m is bad,” children begin to internalize the messages that they are exposed to the most. Have you ever met a child that said something about herself that you were certain she didn’t come up with on her own? (“I’m Julie. I’m 4 years old and I’m just destined for success.”) Though she clearly didn’t think this up on her own, she’s likely heard it enough that she now believes it and has no problem delivering the statement believably. The same thing happens with negative statements.  That same girl could have said “I’m Julie. I’m 4 years old and I’m a bad little girl who never listens.” Which one of these seems more likely to have bad behavior?

It is absolutely crucial that children are praised and encouraged as well as disciplined. When we put our children down and only highlight their bad behaviors, the take away message becomes “I am bad. Bad is all I am capable off.”And if this is what they think of themselves, this is what they’ll display. Some children go their entire childhoods without receiving a compliment.  Yet and still, their parents are always shocked at their uncontrollable conduct. They don’t see that these behaviors are the fruits of the seeds they planted and cultivated. Children are smart and very capable, but they aren’t able to form a solid, positive self image if their parents don’t teach them how.

P.S. Want more on parenting? Try my parenting blog www.momaandbaby.blogspot.com

Nadirah Angail
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