Tag Archives: Advice

Reader Reach Out| Should I Marry a Man with a Crazy Baby’s Mama?

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Dear nadAnonymous writes: I am engaged to be married to a great man, but his children’s mother is crazy!  I try to make the best of the situation but she makes it so hard. Sometimes I’ll text her to set up arrangements for when the children will come to our house, but she is always disrespectful. Shell text things like “Don’t worry about it, ho! He still wants me!” I show these to my fiancé and he says he’s talked to her about it but she wont stop. The other day, one of the kids asked me where my broom was.  I know he knows where the broom is. I told him its in the kitchen where it always is, but he said “no, your riding broom. Mommy said your a witch.” I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes I think we should call the wedding off. We don’t have a date set yet.

What do you think?

Response: Hello reader,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine how stressful it is. I’m assuming you have no kids together since you made no mention of any. That matters a lot.

I know he told you he talked to their mother, but did he tell you exactly what he has said? As frustrating as this is now, it will be MUCH WORSE when you are actually married. It sounds like the ex is bitter, so you guys getting married will only increase her bitterness (read: she’s probably going to up her antics into high gear).

This is not how you want to start off your marriage and its not how you want to live your married life. Whatever he’s done, he needs to do more. Maybe have a sit-down with both of you where he makes it exceedingly clear that

1.) has no interest in her romantically

2.) he demands respect for you as his soon-to-be wife,

3.) he doesn’t want her saying disrespectful things to the children about you

Since she’s proven she’s too immature to have your number, she shouldn’t have it anymore. You need to get a new number and (until things are settled and she has calmed down) he should be making all the arrangements for the children’s visits, or maybe you guys should come up with a standing arrangement that everyone can agree to. That will lessen the need for contact. If necessary, you all can meet out at a neutral/public place to drop off and pick up the kids.

Two things are for sure: He needs to see his kids (regularly) and they need to be spared from all this adult drama. As a man, it’s his job to make sure that happens.

A lot of times, bitter exs are still hurt because of whatever happened in the relationship. Maybe he needs offer a sincere apology (if he did something wrong) or at least let her know that he appreciates her giving him some beautiful children and that he will always respect her for that. However, he also should add on the he needs respect back, for him, for you, and for his choices.

As for you, I think you should kill her with kindness. I know, that’s hard to do when someone is acting as crazy as she is, but I bet it will throw a huge monkey wrench in her plans. She wants to get under your skin, wants to make you upset. If you respond in kind, she’s getting what she wants. Instead, ignore the foolishness (as hard as that is) and say nothing but kind words. If you can’t do that, say nothing at all. And you really want to be nice if you are ever together in person, especially in front of the kids and your fiance. You want everyone to see it isn’t you who is starting this mess.

Since you don’t have a date set, you’ve got time. If he is really a good man, I wouldn’t call off the wedding just yet, but I would put some big time pressure on him protect you more from her misplaced anger.

Hope this helps,

~Nadirah Angail

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Reader Reach Out| Boyfriend Makes Hurtful Comments About Weight

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Dear nadAnonymous writes: Hello, I have a boyfriend that I love very much. In the last two years Ive gain a lot of weight (45lbs). I know its just stress because my job is crazy and I’m financially strained. I lost my other job and this one pays less. He is not considerate at all. He calls me things like “fat ass” and “wide load.” I told him that doesn’t help me at all and he did apologize, but he always says it again if we get in a fight or if he sees me eating a lot. In general he is a good guy but this issue is really hurting me. I do want to lose weight, but he just stresses me more then I eat more.

Please help.

Response: Hello, Thanks for reaching out. A lot of us know what it is like to watch our weights fluctuate as stress mounts. It’s not fun. It’s especially not fun when the ones we love are not supportive.

Is this name calling something he’s been doing the the whole 2 years, or has it recently started? If it’s recent, could it be that he’s experiencing something stressful himself and he’s taking it out on you? Of course this doesn’t justify his behavior, but I’m trying to see if its been a consistent problem or something new, brought on by a particular event. Perhaps he is stressed out and this behavior is his reaction to that stress. If that’s the case, though, he needs to find more appropriate strategies for handling that stress. You can even help him with that if you like. Or maybe he’s just a flat out jerk. (Sorry, I had to say it.) Either way, you have to have a serious talk with him about what you will and won’t accept in the relationship.

Yes, you’ve gained weight. Yes, you realize it is a problem (because it’s a health concern, not simply because he doesn’t like it). No, you should not accept his rude comments, which only make the situation worse. Let him know you’d appreciate his support and gentle constructive criticism (meaning loving suggestions on what you could do differently) , but have no use or need for his insults and disrespectful comments. As your boyfriend, he should be the one that supports you the most. He’s not doing that, so it is up to you to decide how much longer you’ll allow him to behave this way. I won’t say break up, because I know things aren’t always black and white, but I will say assert yourself as a person who deserves  must have respect at all times. If he’s not prepared to give that. I’d say he’s not prepared to be with you.

Hope this helps,

~Nadirah Angail

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Sunday Switcheroo Presents: Top 10 Ways to Stay Married for Life

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger offers up some much needed tips on staying married.

By: Meagan Frank

This list is not the golden ticket to a thrilling and unbelievable marriage.  That is up to you and your spouse.  What this is, rather, is a condensed list of the practical and common sense things that propelled my marriage from the brink of disaster to more solid ground.  There is wisdom to be had, and practical principles to adopt, but you have to want to make the changes. You have to be open to self-analysis, and if you are, truly great things can happen for your marriage.

It is not new, or fantastic or mind-blowing, but what I found, after 8 years of interviewing, reading, questioning and working is that there are a few things that seem to be most important to the success of a lifelong marriage.

Starting with number ten and working to the number one thing you need to do to stay in a marriage for life:

Number 10-Take Care of Yourself- it is no one’s responsibility but your own.

As nice as it is to have a partner wholly devoted to your every need, it is not usually realistic and I could argue it is not all that healthy.  A partnership is a shared commitment of caring, but it is not a commitment to full responsibility.  If you are unhappy, it is not fair to expect anyone else to be in charge of your happiness.  After marriage, you are part of a couple, but that doesn’t make you any less responsible for yourself.  You need to be a whole person in your marriage…not someone’s other half.

Number 9- Learn to Fight Fair- don’t avoid the fights just avoid the nastiness.

When you are in for the long haul of a marriage, expect that you will have arguments, disagreements, discomfort and miscommunications.  That is the unfortunate reality of being in a human relationship. Because you may not be able to control the discord, it is imperative you learn to control the discourse.

Only use “I” statements when talking with your spouse about your feelings.

Validate the other person’s feelings and respect him/her enough to listen.

Walk away when it gets too heated, and come back when your heart rate has calmed.

It is okay to agree to disagree, and you do not always have to be right.

Learning the fighting strategies of your spouse is important, not so you can change his/her approach, but just so you can put effective energy into having your opinion heard.

Number 8- Pay Attention to Life’s Stressors- awareness of what stresses you out is half the battle.

Acknowledge when you, your spouse, or your marriage may be under attack by one of the big stressors of life.  Getting married, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, a job change, a house move, chronic illness, and financial burdens can all put significant strain on a marriage. It is not easy, but necessary, to recognize when the family unit may be experiencing this kind of stress.  Buckling down and fortifying against these stressors does not make the problem go away, but it does make the going a little easier.

Number 7- Lower your Expectations- Give more than you get. Have a heart of gratitude and generosity instead of a heart of greed.

“Ask not what your marriage can do for you…ask what you can do for your marriage.”

In a culture where immediate gratification comes before almost anything else, it is hard to get out of the mindset of expectation.  We are taught to believe we deserve the best of everything and we are shocked and disappointed when the people around us are not living up to our expectations.

Marriage is more work than anyone wants to acknowledge, and when we lower our expectations to reflect reality instead of fantasy, we are less disappointed and more able to offer the best of ourselves to one another.

Number 6- Ask for What You Need- There are times when your needs are significant enough, then it is extremely important to communicate those needs, lovingly.

Lowering expectations to reflect reality allows for better connection with our spouses, but there are times when we have to stand up and say that even our realistic expectations are not being met.  When you know your spouses communication techniques you can approach at the right time and with the right language to ask for what you need.  Practice the techniques of gentle persuasion, lively debate, formal meeting or written request.  Find the mode of communication that works best for you and your partner, and use it often.

Number 5- Surround Yourself with Supportive Friends and Couples-  No one person can fulfill your emotional needs and the more healthy people you can have in your life, the better off your marriage will be.

Marriage works best with support from family and friends.  When there is an entire network of healthy people to bolster your relationship, you have the support you need when the marriage may be strained.  Your spouse may be the best spouse in the world, but humans are social creatures and we crave fulfilling relationships in all aspects of our lives.  It is silly to assume that one person can fulfill all of our relationship needs.

Number 4- Do Something Gratifying Every Day- What is your passion? Your inspiration? What may be hard to start but makes you feel fantastic when you are done?

Positive psychologist Martin Seligman argues that gratifying experiences (an arduous workout regimen, reading a difficult book, practicing an instrument, volunteering to help others) are the key to lifelong happiness.  When you invest in these activities for yourself (or with your spouse) you are more fulfilled and able to offer more to every relationship in your life, and especially your marriage.

Number 3- Change Your Internal Dialogue- Think about the words you use to talk about your spouse, your marriage, your day-to-day life.  If they are not full of positive energy, they need to be.

How we talk about ourselves, our spouse, our marriage and our day all become a part of who we are.  If we sound more bitter and annoyed than satisfied and excited, that is the feeling we take to the next day.  I tell myself, “My husband is awesome…my husband is awesome…my husband is awesome,” and then I spend some time looking for reasons to defend that.  You find what you are looking for in someone, and that does not preclude your spouse.  Make the effort to change the way you think and talk about your spouse.  Your feelings will follow, and when you share your feelings with your spouse, all of a sudden he/she lives up to your description.

Number 2- Choose the Right Person- It is so important to choose a mate for character above ANYTHING else.

This advice is obviously for the soon-to-be-married or the seriously contemplating among us.  It matters quite a lot that you choose someone who will be able to weather life with you.  Looks are great, muscles are awesome and money doesn’t hurt, but if the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life is void of character, your marriage will struggle significantly.  Integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, work ethic, humility and kindness are all great words to describe the kind of character in a partner that makes a lifelong marriage possible.

Number 1- DECIDE YOU WILL BE MARRIED FOR LIFE- The number one thing a couple must do to ensure they will survive the battlefield of a lifelong marriage is to simply decide it will be so.

Survival experts, the kind who deal with life-and-death survival, will tell you that the number one thing that determines whether someone will survive a traumatic event is their state of mind about the situation.  Simply deciding that they are survivors is the first and most important step to making it through a disaster.

Lifelong marriage is no different. A couple eventually has to come to a point when they decide that “Yes! We are going to be married for life!” Hemming and hawing, questioning and doubting are not all bad for the growth of a marriage, but in order to make it last, a final decision must be made.

A Few Words About the Author

A 1997 graduate of Colorado College, Meagan was a high school English teacher for three years. She married her husband Paul in August of 1998.  Their son, Nate, was born in 2000, their first daughter, Haley,  in 2002, and their second daughter, Kiana, in 2005.  In those five child-bearing years, she was a stay-at-home mom who wrote random musings and convinced one magazine to publish an article of hers.  In fall of 2003, she started research for Choosing to Grow Through Marriage. In the fall of 2005, she was hired as a reporter for The Dunn County News in Menomonie, Wisconsin and for five months she did a variety of writing projects for the paper.  Meagan wrote features, opinion pieces and news articles.  She generally lives in Woodbury, Minnesota, but you can also find her at the family cabin in Wisconsin or at one of her favorite summer vacation spots near Castle Rock, Colorado.

Her book Choosing to Grow: Through Marriage will be released by TreasureLine Books in March 2011.

You can find her author page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Meagan-Frank/107752912591410

Or you can read her blog: www.meaganfrank.wordpress.com

 

On Saying No to Nookie: A Dating Girl’s Guide to Abstinence

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Introduce abstinence into your relationship and see how it changes things.

I know it’s 2011. I know shows like Sex and the City have “liberated” women and made casual sex cool, a woman’s right.  Still, I’m writing this. If you’ve read my last post on abstaining while dating, then you know I’m not coming to you from the pulpit. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re being preached to. This is about taking certain steps to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship. Some women have no interest in abstaining. They’re perfectly happy having sex with the men they date and do not want to stop. This isn’t for them. This is for the women who have noticed patterns of hurt and dysfunction in their past relationships that involved premature sex and the many complications it brings with it.

We all know how abstinence is promoted: “You should do it, but everyone knows you won’t.” It’s treated like a lofty, untouchable goal that “good girls” should say they have, but put no real effort into attaining. Therein lies the problem. No one sees it as reasonable and possible. No one is taught how to conduct themselves in order to make it a serious goal. The result is a bunch of sexed up people  who can’t figure out why things keep going  awry.

If you’d like to take abstinence out of the sky and make it real and tangible, follow these rules and see how your relationships change.

  • Have a strong reason for doing it (or should I say “not doing it”)- People that are successful in abstinence often have a deep connection to the decision. Do you want to do it for religious reasons or do you just believe it will honestly help and de-complicate your relationships? Either way, you need to know why you’ve made this decision.
  • See it as a lifestyle change, not simply avoiding sex- This is where many people fail. They tell themselves they won’t have sex, but continue to be as flirty, lovey-dovey, and touchy as they’ve always been. Human nautre being what it is, it doesn’t take long for old habits to take over. In order to be successful, you have to change your behavior.  It’s not just about cutting out sex. It’s about eliminating (or at least significantly reducing) sexual behavior. Don’t sit on his lap. Don’t invite him over late at night to “just chill.”  Don’t wear your “freakum dress” around him. Don’t plan to make-out all night, thinking you’ll just stop before things go to far. Let’s be real. You’ve been there. You’ve done that. We both know what happened.
  • Show him before you tell him- No one starts a conversation by saying, “Hi, I’m Nad, and I will NOT be having sex with you.” That’s a surefire way to weird him out. In the beginning, who you will or won’t be having sex with is none of his business, but your behavior should give him a clue as to what he’s dealing with.  If you’re very “friendly” from jump, he’s going to get the idea that sex is most definitely on the horizon, but if you set clear boundaries and let him know he’s going to have to put in some work, he’ll know you’re the real deal when you do start to discuss sex.  Ask a man. He’ll tell you about all the women that said they were celibate, but quickly proved themselves wrong. Don’t be that woman.
  • Don’t be scared that abstinence will be a turn-off for him- Some women have sex just to keep him interested. “Girl, he’s too cute to let go. If he’s not getting it from me, I know he’ll just go get it somewhere else.”  Believe it or not, there are men that will respect your decision (and even prefer) to wait.  If a man becomes upset or tries to give you an ultimatum, what he’s really saying is, “I’m not the one for you.”

Are you abstinent? Has it improved your relationships? What tactics have you used to stick to your decision?

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~Nadirah Angail

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On Beautiful Sexless Relationships

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Usually, when you read articles about couples that aren’t having sex, it’s far from beautiful. You usually get sobering stats on the percent of undersexed couples followed by a list of relationship-destroying effects. Lastly (to reinstate some hope and lure the reader back from the edge) the writer finishes up with some fun tips on how to get things steamy again. I’m not knocking these articles. I believe and support them, so much so that I’ve already written something similar about the  importance of sex. This article, however, takes a different stance.

You may be wondering what kind of benefit could come from not having sex. Well, tons if you’re not married. Sex, as wonderful as it is, can actually be a detriment to the relationships of unmarried couples. Before you roll your eyes and exit out of this screen, give me a chance. I have no intention of approaching this from a religious standpoint. I’m certain you’ve heard that speech and have already made your mind up one way or the other. My approach is practical and deals specifically with the current-life effects sex can have on unmarried couples.

Most of us aren’t aware of it, but the process of falling in love has a lot to do with brain stimulation and hormones. When you first meet a new love interest, neurochemicals like adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine are released in the brains. They are the reason you get so excited when you see that certain someone and can’t stop thinking about them. You know that fluttery feeling you get in your belly just from seeing your new boo? Those are neurochemicals at work. They make us feel like this person is the coolest, sexiest thing on earth, capable of no wrong. Basically, these chemicals intoxicate us with what I like to call “beginner’s love” and cause us to view our new mates with rose-colored glasses. And all this happens before the sex.

Introduce sex into the picture and you get a whole new ball game. Enter the powerful hormone oxytocin. This little guy is nature’s own “feel good” drug, and it creates the type of rush cocaine addicts feign for. It’s released during breastfeeding (which explains why breastfeeding babies seem so content while latched on) and during and after childbirth to help the mother recover from the pain and bond with the child. It’s also released during sex, if you hadn’t guessed already. This powerful cocktail of brain activity can lead us to think even the biggest loser in town is the our Mr./Mrs. Right.

I’m sure you or someone you know has uttered the following words: “I’d leave but the sex is just so good.” Sex can cloud our thinking and make us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do. We get so wrapped up in that great feeling that we’re willing to put up with his consistent joblessness or  her cheating ways.  Or maybe it’s not that bad. Perhaps your mate does have a job and doesn’t cheat (congrats on that), but you still just don’t get along that well. You argue all the time and have little in common. Without the physical aspect of the relationship, it become obvious you two should part ways, but with it, things get difficult. When couples decide to hold off on sex, they have no choice but to focus on the more important aspects of compatibility and life style. It may sound hard to do (or even impossible to some) but the benefits are worth the sacrifice.

~Nadirah Angail

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