Tag Archives: abstinence

On Raising Abstinent Children | 4 Steps to Make Waiting Realistic

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Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono

Abstinence seems to be one of those topics everyone has a definite opinion on. To this day, I have yet to find anyone who has been on the fence. It’s always “Wait until you’re married,” or “You don’t have to wait til marriage, but you better use a condom!” Regardless of which of these statements rings true, we can all agree that they’re both better than not saying anything, can’t we? (Waiting for you to nod your head.)

Yes, I know this is the new millennium and we have a black, Al Green-singing president, but there are still those who believe in good old fashioned abstinence. In fact, there are a lot more than you would guess, but many shy away from taking that route for fear of setting their children up for failure.

You’ve heard the argument: Abstinence doesn’t work.  ”While you’re out here selling abstinence and promise rings, kids are busy getting pregnant and contracting diseases.”  That’s what many say–and there is some definite truth to that statement–but that doesn’t make the message of abstinence ineffective. It makes the delivery method ineffective. And that’s why I’m here, to offer a method that goes far beyond repeating “Wait til you get married!”

1.) Make it seem realistic- Talk about setting your kids up for failure. Many parents do just that by saying things like, “Well, you know you should wait until you’re married, but that isn’t exactly realistic, so I just want you to be smart and make good decisions.” You might as well say, “Abstinence sounds cool, but ain’t nobody doing that mess. You feel me!” (High-fives exchanged.) Ok, so you probably wouldn’t high-five, but you get my point.

Your children need to know that, regardless of what everyone else is saying and doing, they CAN abstain, and it doesn’t even have to be that hard. If you waited, share that with them. Even if you didn’t, let them know that there are many people who are. Don’t focus on how hard it is (because that sets it up in there mind as unrealistic). Instead, focus on how doable it is.

2.) Monitor their exposure- These days, sexual images are everywhere (and I mean everywhere). It makes it hard for you to talk to your children about abstinence when everything else around them is pushing “sex, sex, sex!” Turn the TV off, turn the radio off, and be aware of who is around your children and what they’re talking about. Of course, you can’t raise your children in a bubble. They’re going to be exposed to and influenced by others, but you have to do your best to control the images and ideas they get about sex because they will definitely influence future behavior.

3.) Don’t make sex the enemy- Sometimes, in an attempt to steer their children away from premarital sex, parents make it seem like it is the worst things on earth. (“Sex is a big sin you will be punished for… PUNISHED, I say! PUNISHED!”) This will only do one of two things:

-create an unhealthy complex about sex that can last well into their adult, married life

-make them uncomfortable about topic, which means they won’t talk to you about it at all.

Give them the real deal. Let them know sex is wonderful, but that it is a big responsibility that should only be done under certain circumstances. The more comfortable you are talking about it, the more comfortable they will be coming to you with any questions they may have (and that’s what we want, isn’t it? For our kids to come to us about sex instead of the girl that sits next to them in math class.)

4.) Give them the HOW- This is a biggie. If you do all the other steps wonderfully but skip this one, you probably won’t be successful. Saying “don’t have sex” does not teach them how not to. If you are serious about what you’re saying, you will have to let them know how to behave. No, they can’t listen to the same songs as everyone else. No, they can’t watch the same movies and shows as everyone else. No, they can’t date. (Yea, I said it.) A main reason this approach doesn’t work is because even though the message is being sent, the children (teens) are still allowed to engage in behaviors that encourage sexual activity. You can’t tell your son, “Sure, you can kiss that girl, but that’s it. Don’t you do a thing else, and I mean it!”  Come on, now. Who ever stopped at just kissing, and if you did, how easy was it? Let’s be real. Kissing ain’t nothing but foreplay.

I am a firm believer in the necessity of balance, so I wouldn’t be here suggesting you tell your kids no to so many things without suggesting you say yes to something else. People thrive best when they have options, so that’s what I’m about. While I won’t allow my children to listen to most music or watch most shows, I will go out of my way to find music and shows that I feel are appropriate.  While I won’t let them date, I will make sure they are able to socially engage other people in their age group, both male and female. I would hate for them to grow up feeling deprived. Those are often the feelings of sheltered kids who hit college and go crazy. I’d rather they grow up feeling informed and guided.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Saying No to Nookie: A Dating Girl’s Guide to Abstinence

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Introduce abstinence into your relationship and see how it changes things.

I know it’s 2011. I know shows like Sex and the City have “liberated” women and made casual sex cool, a woman’s right.  Still, I’m writing this. If you’ve read my last post on abstaining while dating, then you know I’m not coming to you from the pulpit. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re being preached to. This is about taking certain steps to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship. Some women have no interest in abstaining. They’re perfectly happy having sex with the men they date and do not want to stop. This isn’t for them. This is for the women who have noticed patterns of hurt and dysfunction in their past relationships that involved premature sex and the many complications it brings with it.

We all know how abstinence is promoted: “You should do it, but everyone knows you won’t.” It’s treated like a lofty, untouchable goal that “good girls” should say they have, but put no real effort into attaining. Therein lies the problem. No one sees it as reasonable and possible. No one is taught how to conduct themselves in order to make it a serious goal. The result is a bunch of sexed up people  who can’t figure out why things keep going  awry.

If you’d like to take abstinence out of the sky and make it real and tangible, follow these rules and see how your relationships change.

  • Have a strong reason for doing it (or should I say “not doing it”)- People that are successful in abstinence often have a deep connection to the decision. Do you want to do it for religious reasons or do you just believe it will honestly help and de-complicate your relationships? Either way, you need to know why you’ve made this decision.
  • See it as a lifestyle change, not simply avoiding sex- This is where many people fail. They tell themselves they won’t have sex, but continue to be as flirty, lovey-dovey, and touchy as they’ve always been. Human nautre being what it is, it doesn’t take long for old habits to take over. In order to be successful, you have to change your behavior.  It’s not just about cutting out sex. It’s about eliminating (or at least significantly reducing) sexual behavior. Don’t sit on his lap. Don’t invite him over late at night to “just chill.”  Don’t wear your “freakum dress” around him. Don’t plan to make-out all night, thinking you’ll just stop before things go to far. Let’s be real. You’ve been there. You’ve done that. We both know what happened.
  • Show him before you tell him- No one starts a conversation by saying, “Hi, I’m Nad, and I will NOT be having sex with you.” That’s a surefire way to weird him out. In the beginning, who you will or won’t be having sex with is none of his business, but your behavior should give him a clue as to what he’s dealing with.  If you’re very “friendly” from jump, he’s going to get the idea that sex is most definitely on the horizon, but if you set clear boundaries and let him know he’s going to have to put in some work, he’ll know you’re the real deal when you do start to discuss sex.  Ask a man. He’ll tell you about all the women that said they were celibate, but quickly proved themselves wrong. Don’t be that woman.
  • Don’t be scared that abstinence will be a turn-off for him- Some women have sex just to keep him interested. “Girl, he’s too cute to let go. If he’s not getting it from me, I know he’ll just go get it somewhere else.”  Believe it or not, there are men that will respect your decision (and even prefer) to wait.  If a man becomes upset or tries to give you an ultimatum, what he’s really saying is, “I’m not the one for you.”

Are you abstinent? Has it improved your relationships? What tactics have you used to stick to your decision?

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~Nadirah Angail

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On Beautiful Sexless Relationships

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Usually, when you read articles about couples that aren’t having sex, it’s far from beautiful. You usually get sobering stats on the percent of undersexed couples followed by a list of relationship-destroying effects. Lastly (to reinstate some hope and lure the reader back from the edge) the writer finishes up with some fun tips on how to get things steamy again. I’m not knocking these articles. I believe and support them, so much so that I’ve already written something similar about the  importance of sex. This article, however, takes a different stance.

You may be wondering what kind of benefit could come from not having sex. Well, tons if you’re not married. Sex, as wonderful as it is, can actually be a detriment to the relationships of unmarried couples. Before you roll your eyes and exit out of this screen, give me a chance. I have no intention of approaching this from a religious standpoint. I’m certain you’ve heard that speech and have already made your mind up one way or the other. My approach is practical and deals specifically with the current-life effects sex can have on unmarried couples.

Most of us aren’t aware of it, but the process of falling in love has a lot to do with brain stimulation and hormones. When you first meet a new love interest, neurochemicals like adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine are released in the brains. They are the reason you get so excited when you see that certain someone and can’t stop thinking about them. You know that fluttery feeling you get in your belly just from seeing your new boo? Those are neurochemicals at work. They make us feel like this person is the coolest, sexiest thing on earth, capable of no wrong. Basically, these chemicals intoxicate us with what I like to call “beginner’s love” and cause us to view our new mates with rose-colored glasses. And all this happens before the sex.

Introduce sex into the picture and you get a whole new ball game. Enter the powerful hormone oxytocin. This little guy is nature’s own “feel good” drug, and it creates the type of rush cocaine addicts feign for. It’s released during breastfeeding (which explains why breastfeeding babies seem so content while latched on) and during and after childbirth to help the mother recover from the pain and bond with the child. It’s also released during sex, if you hadn’t guessed already. This powerful cocktail of brain activity can lead us to think even the biggest loser in town is the our Mr./Mrs. Right.

I’m sure you or someone you know has uttered the following words: “I’d leave but the sex is just so good.” Sex can cloud our thinking and make us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do. We get so wrapped up in that great feeling that we’re willing to put up with his consistent joblessness or  her cheating ways.  Or maybe it’s not that bad. Perhaps your mate does have a job and doesn’t cheat (congrats on that), but you still just don’t get along that well. You argue all the time and have little in common. Without the physical aspect of the relationship, it become obvious you two should part ways, but with it, things get difficult. When couples decide to hold off on sex, they have no choice but to focus on the more important aspects of compatibility and life style. It may sound hard to do (or even impossible to some) but the benefits are worth the sacrifice.

~Nadirah Angail

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