On the Good of the Bad: What We Can Learn From Bad Breakups

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photo credit: idea go, freedigitalphotos.netI’ve had my heart broken before. Hurts real bad. Like, real bad. But looking back, I’m thankful. No matter how hard we try, we can’t prevent all of the bad things that will happen in our lives. They come  along with the territory, and it’s our job to learn from these experiences we so wish we could erase.

So, back to my heartache. At the time, I was just so upset. I couldn’t understand how someone I wanted to be with so badly didn’t want to be with me. It blew my mind. I was so wrapped up in that pain that I wasn’t even myself anymore. Y’all know me. I like to laugh, be silly, crack jokes, have fun and just take a “hakuna matata” approach to things. That’s how I usually am, but that Nadirah back them was different.  You know how on some TV shows everything turns black and white when someone is sad? That’s how I felt. All my color was gone.

I don’t know what changed or when it changed, but at some point, I realized I needed my color back… real bad.  As angry/ready to burn something/upset/hurt/enraged/disgusted  as I was, all that energy was doing nothing to make me feel better and nothing to the person I thought I was directing it at.

And with that realization, I let it go. Just like that. I told myself, “I wish this hadn’t happened, but it has and I can’t let it stop me from being happy.” I wanted my color back, and that statement helped me get it.  It didn’t come flooding back, but it came. I got a little blue, a little red, then some purple, yellow and green. It was a process.

With all my color back, I was able to move on, get married and have some freakin’ awesome kids, but I still wondered in the back of my mind, “Dag, did it have to go down like that? I mean, couldn’t it have been a cool, amicable separation? Did I have to be all devastated and such?”  I wondered that every now and then and never came to any conclusion. Then one day, when it wasn’t even on my mind, the answer fell out of the sky.

“Yes, it did have to go down like that. Now, shut up and accept your life lessons!” Ok, I added that last part. Sorry for lying ;)

I realized then that, had it been a peaceful breakup, I wouldn’t have come out the person I am today. I feel so at ease and balanced in my current relationship, but I am only able to feel that way because I was so over-the-top and out of balance in my last. I had poured myself so deeply into that relationship that I hadn’t left much for myself. That’s why I felt so hurt and empty when it ended. I literally was empty. I had given myself away.

I came into this relationship differently. Sure, I still love hard, but not so hard that I lose myself. Not so hard that I feel like I can’t exist without him, because the truth is that I can exist without him. Of course I don’t want to, but I can and would if I had to.  The same goes for him. Until God says otherwise, life always goes on, so I always have to remember that “going on” is actually possible.

That’s what I got out of my bad breakup, and that’s what has given my marriage the beautiful hue it has today. I don’t think I would have learned that any other way. So, for all the tears and heartache, I am thankful.

~Nadirah Angail

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On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Boys

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*This is the fourth and final installment in the What They Should Know series.  Click here to read the third installment.*

image credit: hinnamsaisuyBoys, boys, boys,

You little guys sure do keep us parents on our toes. You’ve got the type of energy companies wish they could bottle and sell. Shoot, I wish I could bottle and sell it! That would be a money maker for sure.

I have to apologize for some of the things you’ve been told.  You’ve probably already heard the sayings, ” Stop crying. Be a man” and “Stop being a girl.” They give the impression that in order to be accepted and liked, in order to be a real man, you have to be hard and without emotion, and  you absolutely CANNOT–under any circumstances– be a girl (i.e. weak).

Well, take it from me, girls are not weak and neither are you. It is literally in your DNA to be strong. That’s not a metaphor. I’m being serious here. I’m talking straight up fact. As you get older and develop, you’ll see just what I mean, but for now you’ll just have to trust me.

The common representation of masculinity (look it up if you don’t understand that word) is all wrong. It focuses on the look of manliness. It tells you to be big, bad and rough, just to make sure there’s no confusion. That’s not what it means to be a man. Real men don’t use their strength to hurt others, they use it to protect. And real men understand that taking the time to build their mental muscles is just as important as building their physical ones.

Your going to come across a lot of ideas in your life, and many of them will be silly, dangerous and flat-out wrong. You’ll need to be intelligent enough to avoid those. So many young boys get off to a bad start because they follow in the footsteps of men who never fully developed. Sure, they may look like adults, but on the inside they’re no wiser than you. Is that what you want, to grow up and still have the mind of a child? Of course you don’t, and you won’t. You know better.

There may be some boys at your school who say doing your work and being smart isn’t cool. Those boys are wrong. Like, really, really wrong. If I had to take a guess, I’d say those boys don’t feel smart themselves, and so they’re trying to make you feel as badly as they do. Don’t fall for it, because in the real world, the so-called nerds are the ones making all the moves (and money).

So keep getting those A’s and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. The adult you will be so much better off because of it. But for now, you’re a little boy. You probably like worms and race cars , and you might think girls are a little… weird. That’s fine, as long as you know they’re not weak and neither are you.

~Nadirah Angail

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On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Men

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*This is the third installment in the What They Should Know series.  Come back next Tuesday for the final installment, On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Boys. Click here to read the second installment.*

photo credit: photostockYou thought I forgot about you, didn’t you? You saw all the writing I do for and about women and figured I must not have much to say to you. WRONG. Come on over here. Let’s chat a while.

I know there are challenges to being a young man. You get contradictory messages that encourage you to be one way and then punish you for following instructions. You’re told, on one hand, “Hey, you’re young and you’re a guy. You’re SUPPOSED to be immature, irresponsible and oversexed. Anything less would be uncivilized.” On the other hand, you’re called a deadbeat and a loser when you walk in the shoes that have been laid out for you. It’s no secret; you’ve been set up to fail.

That’s why you’ve got to think for yourself and be the amazing man God made you to be, not the distraction you can so easily become. You see, when a man isn’t good to himself, he is distracted from developing his mind, his talents and abilities. When he isn’t good to his wife, he distracts her from carrying happiness in her heart and sharing that happiness with others. When he isn’t good to his children, he distracts them from being confident and aware of the potential they possess. I’ll admit, there is a lot of responsibility laid on your back, but that’s what you’ve got those big, broad shoulders for.

I hate (and I mean truly hate) to see young men wasting their lives on partying and girl chasing. When I see it, it bothers me–to the point where I want to shake you! Not a cute, loving little shake, but the strongest, head-bobbling shake my weak little arms can muster. And while I’m shaking, I want to yell, “Do you know what you’re capable of? Don’t you know you could be an attentive husband, an involved father, a generous boss or a promising employee? Don’t you know you’re so much better than this?” Obviously, women aren’t the only ones who can waste their treasures.

People seem to have such high expectations for women,  but men are allowed to do and be whatever. Sorry, buddy, but I can’t accept that, especially now that I have a son. I’ll hold him to the same high standard I hold you to, and I’ll remind him of the strength that he possesses. Not the physical strength (though there is importance there too) but the mental and spiritual strength that allows you all to be natural leaders. But really, my standards don’t matter much. It’s your own that make all the difference.

My father set the bar high, so I never fell for that “men ain’t sh_t” mess.  It just doesn’t fit in my world. I pray it doesn’t fit in yours either.

~Nadirah Angail

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On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Girls

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*This is the second installment in the What They Should Know series.  Come back next Tuesday for the third installment, On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Men. Click here to read the first installment.*

photo credit: Rosen GeorgievHey beautiful babies,

I want you to know that it’s okay to live your life in “play.” No need to press fast-forward. When you get older, you’ll discover that there is no rewind button, so don’t rush.  Ask an adult. They’ll tell you how much they wish they could go back to your age, back when they had no worries, no bills and no job to report to.  Childhood is a vacation that gets your ready for adulthood. Enjoy it.

Don’t look to the shows on Nickelodeon, and Disney Channel (and TV in general)  to understand who and how you should be. Look to the people that love you most: your parents and family. They are the ones that know you are absolutely enough just as you are–without the makeup, without the grown hair styles, without the high heels and skinny jeans and, most definitely, without the  padded bikinis.

Right now, you’re a little girl, probably with missing teeth, chubby cheeks and a messy ponytail that you hate to get combed. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s more that  okay. It’s what you are supposed to be. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

It is NOT  your job to try to look older, or to get boys to like you, or to fit in with the mean girls at school. Your job is to LEARN as much as you can so you can grow up to be  smart, well-rounded and cool. Yes, I said cool. That’s important too, you know. Not because you’ll need to try to impress other people, but because you’ll be a woman–the coolest creature on earth!

I must warn you though. You’ll probably come across some people who will try to convince you that women and girls aren’t super cool. They’ll try to make you believe that your only purpose is to be pretty. They’ll tell you you’re not intelligent, that your opinion doesn’t matter and that you better do everything you can think of to make men like you. Can you believe that foolishness? I sure can’t.

Good thing you know better. You know that girls are just as smart as boys and that your cute little face is not your most important feature. What is your most important feature, you ask? Well, duhhh! It’s that kind heart and sharp mind of yours. That’s what really matters, far more that lip gloss and nail polish (even though those are fun too).

You see, when a girl is smart, she’ll be a smart woman. When is woman is smart, she’ll have smart children. When children are smart, they’ll grow into smart adults. And those smart adults will go on to have more smart children… It creates a wonderful cycle. So you, my dear, contribute to the education of the entire world. Cool, huh?

Oh, and as far as men liking you when you get older, the good ones will like you automatically, just because you are you. But no need to worry about any of that now. For now, you’re your mother’s inspiration, your father’s joy, and you are absolutely awesome just the way you are!

~Nadirah Angail

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On Staying: 5 Questions to Consider That May Convince You To Stay Together

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winnondSometimes, it just feels broken. Not “the screw came out and I need to put it back in” broken, but “someone stood on the roof and dropped it off” broken. That’s what your marriage can feel like when it’s gone too far down the road of dis-ease. For some, the “D” word pops into mind. That is an option–the best one at times– but not always.

Whatever you end up deciding to do, be sure the decision is well thought out. Otherwise, you may find that the good decision you thought you made was actually a horrible mistake.

Consider the following before deciding to sign those papers:

  1. What are you really displeased with, the marriage or yourself? Sometimes people assume their personal dissatisfaction is the result of their marriage when it is actually a result of internal conflict. Are you happy with yourself? Do you like the person you’ve become? Are you using the marriage as a distraction from and scapegoat for your personal issues you haven’t dealt with?
  2. What have you done differently to improve your situation? It is so easy to complain about what the other is doing, but did you ever consider that they might change their behavior if you change yours? Imagine how drastically things could improve if BOTH partners took this approach. (Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss this article together.)
  3. Is your spouse “a lost cause”? Some people have  proven track records for being set in their dysfunctional ways, but if this isn’t the case, it could be worth it to have faith. Think about it. Even though you’re spent and feel like taking a midnight train going annnyyyywwhhhheerrree (shout out to Journey!), the fact that you took the time to read this suggests that there’s still some love there. There’s still some hope there. Your spouse may feel the same way.
  4. Is your spouse the devil? Okay, maybe I should have said “a devil.” I’m pretty sure you didn’t marry the devil, but what I was getting at is whether or not your spouse is a good person with a good heart. Despite all the things that make your blood boil, does he/she try to make you happy? Does he/she have good intentions? If you’ve got a good person, chances are they don’t mean to make you feel like you do. It’s hard to find a good, honest, kind mate. If you’ve got one, don’t be so quick to give them up.
  5. Is it impossible to have the type of life you want while staying together? Picture your ideal life, the way you would have it if you were in complete control. Could you see you and your spouse living that life together? Is it possible? (Here’s an example: If you desperately want kids and the other is completely against it.)

The answers to these questions should give you an idea of whether or not you two can happily stay together.

~Nadirah Angail

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