On Your Stuff: Saving Your Marriage From Your Emotional Issues Pt. 2

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This is part 2 of a 2-part feature on emotional issues. These articles are meant to be a stepping stone to healing, but are by no means a cure-all. It is best to seek professional help to guide you on your journey.

In the first installment, we talked in general terms about becoming aware of emotional issues/themes and how they can negatively affect our thoughts and behaviors. Now it’s time to put a face and name on those themes.

A theme is a unifying or dominant idea, an overarching concept that connects and defines items in a group. In this case, the group is comprised of life events, specifically those that have greatly impacted you and shaped your worldview.

There is no finite list of emotional themes, but there are certain ones that show up frequently. Let’s examine them, shall we?

Common Emotional Themes

  • Abandonment: Perhaps the most talked about of all emotional themes, abandonment is the feeling of being unfairly left behind or discarded. This theme can be rooted in a physical abandonment (an absent parent), but it can also refer to perceived abandonment that may have nothing to do with physical absence. If this is one of your primary themes, you may find that you rush into relationships or expect too much too fast (or just too much in general), which, in turn, may run the person off. Your feeling of abandonment is then intensified and the cycle continues.
  • Loss: Loss may seem very similar to abandonment, but the main difference is that loss doesn’t involve something being withheld intentionally. It comes from complications with dealing with someone or something being taken away unexpectedly (ie death, natural disaster, house fire, etc.). If loss is one of your primary themes, you may have trouble forming secure and comfortable attachments with people because, in the back of your mind, you suspect that they may be taken away too. Others may describe you as “distant,” “aloof” or “detached.” You may find that others doubt your commitment in relationships, which causes them to dissolve. People who have a theme of loss may also have trouble progressing in their careers.
  • Over Responsibility: If this is your theme, you probably feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. People with this theme often come to believe at a young age that the outcomes of those around them are dependent on them. (What a burden!) These people are often quite dependable and can usually be described as “fixers.” In relationships, though, they seem to gravitate towards those who need fixing (people with problems, be they financial, emotional or physical). These relationships can be very taxing because of the fixer’s efforts to fix something that truly is not their issue.
  • Inferiority: This theme presents in a myriad of ways, but it boils down to feeling that you are not as valuable or as deserving as others. People with this theme may give themselves an artificial confidence boost by dating/marrying people they feel are even less deserving than they are. If you feel you have a penchant for absolute losers, inferiority may be your primary theme. This theme can also encourage people to sabotage perfectly healthy relationships because they don’t feel deserving of or comfortable with a good relationship.
  • Violation: To be violated is to be acted up against your will, to have your rights stolen and disrespected. This theme is often found in people who have suffered physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. People dealing with a theme of violation may be easily angered and may also become violators in their own right. (Note: This violation may not always match the type of violation the person experienced at the hands of another.) Control is often a big issue for those with a theme of violation. They may (but not necessarily) find it easiest to regain their control by giving it away before someone else can take it.
  • Injustice/Unfairness: When one feels they’ve been treated unfairly on a grand scale, that feeling of injustice can develop into their primary theme. If you’re dealing with this feeling, you may be hypersensitive to issues of fairness. You may feel like you’re constantly getting “the short end of the stick” and that others aren’t giving you your fair share. Others may find it hard to please you or understand your frustrations with them.
  • Anger: It is important to note that anger is NOT an emotional theme. It is a common emotion that is expressed as a result of the feeling associated with emotional themes. Most often, anger is a cover-up emotion that masks the true, more vulnerable, emotion underneath. For example, when people display anger, they may actually be feeling sadness, anxiety, confusion, shame, etc.

Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and themes can and do overlap, but hopefully this helps to put a face on some of the issues you might not have even known you were dealing with. Whether or not someone can completely eliminate these issues is debatable, but it is possible to get them under control by recognizing and interrupting your disruptive patterns.

Many of us go through life simply reacting, allowing our knee-jerk reactions and emotions to guide our thoughts and behaviors. That’s how these themes thrive and grow. Instead of simply reacting, we should thoughtfully respond. Take a step back and question ourselves about our feelings, particularly those that are very strong. Did a person just make you extremely angry? Did a new guy completely sweep you off your feet? Don’t just go along with it. Pause and ask yourself why you’re so upset, why he seems so wonderful. You may find that the only thing the other person did wrong is inadvertently activate one of your themes. And the guy may be appealing for that same reason.

Confronting emotional themes is definitely easier said than done, but it can be done. It takes patience and a willingness to get really uncomfortable with yourself. Not everyone is ready to take this step. Perhaps you aren’t, but if you are, I pray this information has been useful.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Your Stuff: Saving Your Marriage From Your Emotional Issues Pt. 1

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This is part 1 of a 2-part feature on emotional issues. These articles are meant to be a stepping stone to healing, but are by no means a cure-all. It is best to seek professional help to guide you on your journey.

Face it: We’ve all got stuff– emotional hangups, unresolved traumas, complicated grief. It’s all there. It starts accumulating when we’re young and it builds as we age. Some of us have a lot, others have a little, but we’ve all got it. And if we’re not careful, it will destroy our lives! *Cue thunder and lightening strike and evil diabolical laugh*.  Okay, I admit that was dramatic, but so are you when you let your stuff cloud your thoughts and actions.

Stuff Awareness

We’ve all met people who say things like, “I can’t help it. I’ve got issues, okay?” or, “Sure, I could use a therapist or three.” These comments are usually made in jest, but behind them is an awareness that 1.) they’ve got stuff and 2.) there is enough of it that it causes problems in their everyday lives.  This realization is wonderful if it is followed by action (an attempt to examine and manage the stuff), but it usually isn’t. Most people stop at the realization, assuming that merely knowing somehow makes it okay, or at least less impactful.

Not true. Knowing is just that: knowing. It is the first step in “stuff recovery,” but it is powerless by itself. In fact, when unaided by action, knowing can actually make things worse because it encourages you to feel entitled to and justified in your skewed thoughts and actions.  ”Yea, I poured bleach all over his clothes! So what! I got anger issues!”

And that’s one way our stuff takes over our lives. It convinces us that we’re supposed to be thinking and behaving that way. Because we were hurt, shamed, abandoned,  discarded, angered, mistreated, and/or lied to, we now have the irrevocable right to behave this way, and anything less would be uncivilized (said in a most proper British accent).

Well, you got me. You definitely do have the right to your thoughts and behaviors (as long as they don’t break the law), but you also have the right to happiness and healthy relationships. You have the right to break old patterns and to step into a new light. You’re not going to do that if you stay where you are. To experience something different (and better), you must do something different. Take it or leave it. No way around it.

Stuff Unawareness

If you’re the type that’s good (like, really good) at picking up on other people’s issues, but never has a word to say about your own, you’re probably unaware of your stuff. People who are unaware usually have an “other” focus. They see the problems in their lives through a lens of finger pointing and blame.  ”He did it.” “It’s his fault.” “He’s the crazy one (not me).”

People who are unaware often think quite highly of themselves but can’t figure out why everyone they get in a relationship with turns out to be so WRONG. If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. If I had to choose, I’d say there are far more people in the unaware group than the aware group. Then there are those floaters, the people who are aware of certain issues and unaware of others.  Truth moment? I think I fit in there. I admit that  for two reasons:

1.)I want be real and relatable. (Aint no Photoshopping and airbrushing up in here!) and

2.)It is important to note that there is always work to be done, even if you’ve already done a lot.

Stuff Work

So, how can you go from not knowing to knowing? And if you’ve already done that, how can you move on? First, you’ve got to uncover what your issues are.  Look back over your life (your childhood, relationship with your parents and other important figures, insecurities, romantic involvements etc.) and look for overarching themes. You shouldn’t be too concerned with actual events. It’s more about the themes those events represent. You may have many different themes, but the ones that are most prevalent should be your primary focus. Most likely, these are the ones interfering with your interactions and thinking.

In the next installment, we’ll discuss common themes and what they mean.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Love vs. Finance: Which is More Important in Marriage?

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If my memory serves me correctly, the popular childhood refrain explains it all: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That’s how it works, right? (Well, minus that baby carriage part. These days, babies show up wheneva, but that’s another topic.) It seems most people would agree that love is a prerequisite for marriage, but that hasn’t always been the case.

Historically, love was not that big of a deal. Often times it grew out of marriage, but wasn’t necessarily there before. Why is that? It’s simple, really. Marriage wasn’t about being with the one you love. It was about creating stable families and communities. Marriage was about protecting the collective, safeguarding the whole. They wanted to make sure the two would produce children and raise them to be productive citizens, thereby ensuring the future of society.  Was it romantic? Not really. But did it work? Yep.

These days, things work pretty differently. The old, business-like model has given way to a heart-ruled approach that gives love and emotional connection top billing. Suddenly, marriage was exciting. It was more than just a fact of life. It was something we looked forward to, yearned for. The heart was running the show, and along with that came the poorly thought out decisions our hearts sometimes coax us into making.

Does that mean marrying for love is a bad idea? Of course not.  I was thoroughly in love with my husband when we married, so I’d be a hypocrite if I said otherwise, but I also knew that love alone (as strong as it is) would not be enough to make our marriage successful. Love can make you better, but it can also make you foolish.

Love can make an honest and faithful person stay with a cheater. Love can make a kind-hearted man stay with a woman who is emotionally unstable. Love can make a woman repeatedly get pregnant by a lazy, jobless man.  Love is just love. Like an immature child, it’s self centered and only considers itself. That’s why it feels so good, and that’s also why it can be so unstable.

There has to be something more. Couples have to know that even when they’re trapped in discontent, cut off from the peace and solace love usually provides, the marriage can still survive. There should be a deeper commitment, a bridge that carries you back to ease. Is a healthy bank statement enough to be that bridge? Probably not (rich people break up every day), but it is a huge help to at least know that the bills are paid and your belly is full, especially when you have children.

In regards to the question, “Which is more important?”  I can’t give a straight forward answer. You could marry a wealthy jerk and end up divorced just as quickly as anyone else, but I will suggest that women in particular need to pay more attention to finances and not feel guilty because of it. No woman wants to be perceives as a gold digger, but often times this fear prevents us from asking the important questions that need to be addressed. In the same way that our debt and financial history is relevant, so is his. Does he have a savings account? Is there anything in it? Does he have any debt? If so, what kind? Does he have a 5-year financial plan? These are the types of questions a woman should be comfortable asking a man before marriage.

It’s not about finding the richest guy possible. It’s about making a thorough assessment of compatibility, one that does more than simply consider how in love you may be with a person. As women, we must constantly be aware of our wombs – that empty, life-giving space that we could soon find occupied, thanks to the men we let into our lives. And that occupant (God willing) will grow into a small person who will require lots of attention and resources. That’s money. That’s time. That’s attention, energy and love. We owe it to ourselves and our little future occupants to know there’s more to marriage than just love.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Double Consciousness of American Muslims

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“It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his two-ness,—an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder (Du Bois, 1903).”

When WEB Du Bois pinned this telling quote, I don’t think he was talking about Muslims. In fact, I know with absolute certainty he wasn’t, but you could easily replace “Negro” with “Muslim” and it wouldn’t lose a bit of meaning.  These words, written over a century ago, are still wet with truth and illustration. They’re still authentic, not just for “Negros” and Muslims, but for all hyphenated Americans, for everyone who has had to cram their twoness into a space made for one. And for Muslims, this double consciousness was never more obvious than it is now in this post 9-11 era, on the heels of Egyptian protests and anti-Islam films.

What started as a simple understanding, “I am different,” became a pounding and sometimes frightening awareness,”I am different, misrepresented and hated.”

It’s always there, but with an ebb and flow that makes it hard, if not impossible, to ever really get comfortable. Sometimes, the awareness is low, and life is pretty close to normal. Other times, it’s high, and our brains sweat from the work of trying to be authentic and loyal in both arenas. This is one of those high times.

The recent protests in Egypt and the agenda-ed media coverage around it has thrust our twoness so far forward that, for some of us, its leaking from our eyes.

The talk of what “we” need to do to “them” and how “they” are so far beneath “us” attempts to severe us American Muslims in two, despite our continued efforts to remain intact.

Both/And, not Either/Or

I was born in America, the center of the country to be exact (and I’ve got the birth certificate for anyone who wants to act funny), but and I was also born Muslim. I didn’t convert when I met my husband. I came out the womb with La ilaha ilallah on my heart and in my ear. I know Elvis, James Brown and Christopher Columbus (with non-navigating self). I know Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), the sahabah, and Imam Bukhari. I eat chicken and lamb, raisins and dates, burgers and samosas. I grew up watching Sesame Street and Adam’s World, saying “hello” and as salaam alaikum. I am as Muslim and as American as I can get. I cannot and will not choose.

Me, Nadirah Angail, a Muslim, an American

It’s that simple in my mind–two notes creating harmony in one beautiful song–but the rest of the world doesn’t see that. It can’t see that. People are best hated when they are marginalized, seen as “other,” other than you. God forbid we take the time to get to know someone, to discover all the commonalities. Then, they’d be harder to hate. Then, we’d be harder to sway.The status quo thrives on division. It needs constant chaos and quarreling so the masses don’t unite and evolve…

I’ll leave that there. I don’t want to get too radical and scare you off with my inner conspiracy theorist. Stay with me.

This melting pot of a country makes it challenging for American Muslims to truly melt together our twoness. That’s why we are doubly conscious.  Conscious that our mosques may be vandalized in the night. Conscious that we may be deemed suspicious just for being ourselves. Conscious that we may have coworkers and even friends who say one thing to our faces and another behind our backs. Conscious. Doubly Conscious.

Conscious that we pay taxes. Conscious that we were born here. Conscious that we have loved ones in Iraq, just like everyone else. Conscious. Doubly conscious.

Vandalized mosque in Virginia, 9-2012
Image credit: salem-news.com

A Brighter Side to Double Consciousness

It takes work to meld two halves that others don’t even want linked, but once you do it, you’re one bad mofo!  I think everyone (Muslim and otherwise) who has come to terms with their twoness has a strong sense of identity. You have to. I mean, think about it, you’re telling the world, “No, I won’t check just one box, ‘cuz I see a couple I like and I’m about to check all them bad boys!” It’s a self-affirming statement that says no one–and I mean no one– has the right to define you but you.

We will not choose. Don’t want to and don’t have to.

I will never take the side of “us” or “them,” because I am both. And I will never let the fact that I am both keep me from confronting or confirming either side. Disrespecting Islam, or any religion, is wrong. Responding to disrespect with violence is wrong. Misrepresenting a series of events and making them look as if though they aren’t as complicated and varied as they truly are is wrong. Justifying unjustifiable behavior by twisting your own religious teaching is wrong. Portraying people of the Middle East and the “Muslim World” in a way that denies their humanity and vilifies them is wrong. I could go on.

If nothing else, know I’m just as aware of my twoness as those who try to strip it from me. Know the us/them conversation invalidates the both/and space I occupy.

Know I’m American.

Know I’m Muslim.

Know I will never cease to be either.

~Nadirah Angail

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Islamic Terms

La ilaha ilallah- There is no God, but The God (Allah)

pbuh- stands for “peace be upon him,” a sign of respect when mentioning the names of prophets

As salaam alaikum- “peace be unto you”

Sahabah- Companions of Prophet Muhammed (pbuh)

On Why You Shouldn’t Force Him into Marriage

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Let me tell you what you need in a husband: a man who wants to be one. Marriage can be trying enough on its own, but try it with a man who doesn’t even want to be there and you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Don’t get me wrong. I respect your hustle. After all, you’re just trying to let him know, “Hey, now, we not gon’ do this forever . Can I get some stated intentions and security up in this piece?” You want him to know you’re a marriage-minded woman who doesn’t intend to spend her days and nights as a mere girlfriend. You’re not a girl and the two of you are more than friends, so I completely understand your frustration.

But, still, don’t force it. His proposal should come from within. He needs to have a longing, a deep desire to be your husband, not necessarily in a hyper-romantic, you-make-my-heart-beat sort of way (because that usually leads to let downs and unrealistic expectations), but in a I-have-a-responsibility-to-myself-and-her sort of way. And, of course, he should want to make sure no one else moves in on his lady.

So What’s His Deal? Why Won’t He Propose?

The answer to this question depends on the things you’ve observed in him. Is he a committed and faithful man who seems to be scared of the “m word”? Or is he an off-and-on, only-nice-when-he-wants-to-be, rarely-answers-his-cell-phone kind of guy? There is an expansive chasm that describes the difference between these two types of guys. The first one has wonderful husband potential. The other is clearly playing you. If you’ve got yourself a #2 kind of guy, begging him to propose is the worst thing you can do for yourself. You might as well let that go and find someone else who will be worth your time.

He won’t propose because he’s just not that into you

I know, I know, that’s hard to hear. Even a relationship full of  ups and downs can be hard to let go when you feel like its all you have. Sometimes we cling to immature, unfaithful men because even that feels better than nothing, but the truth is that “nothing” is often what we need to help us start fresh and new. That nothingness can help you discover what made you stay in a bad relationship in the first place. That nothingness can help you discover who you are as an unattached individual, one who doesn’t look to a man for happiness. Remember, you don’t just want to be married. You want a happy, fulfilling marriage. You’re probably not going to get that from this guy.

He won’t propose because he’s scared/doesn’t feel ready

Let’s get back to guy #1, the fearful one. He’s a different case. You don’t have to leave him, but you should have a real conversation about his hesitation. Rather than make assumptions and putting words in his mouth, ask an open ended question like, “I’d like to be married within the next _______. How does that sound to you?” Notice what he says and how he says it. Does the question make him uncomfortable? Does he seem caught off guard, like he never expected this topic to come up, or does he seem genuinely interested, but hesitant?And if the latter is true, ask him about the hesitation. Maybe he thinks he’s not financially ready. Maybe he thinks marriage is a curse that ruins otherwise healthy relationships. Maybe he thinks getting married will cause aliens to descend upon earth and carry him away in their technologically advanced spaceship. Who knows what’s going on in his mind! But you never will until you ask. Something as simple as, “I sense some hesitation. What’s that about?” can open the door to the type of conversation you want to have.

Be sure to play it cool. You cannot, I repeat CANNOT, come off as needy. Nothing like, “Baaaabbbbbyyyy, when are you going to propose?  I NEED to be married to you!” (said in a whiny voice). All that’s going to do is make him feel pressured to give you the answer you want, and then you’ll end up hurt when he backs out of it later. Be calm and straight forward. Your tone should say, “I’m serious, but I’m also strong enough to accept whatever answer you have. I just want truth and clarity.” That way, if he does end up proposing, you’ll know it’s real, and that’s the only way you should want it.

~Nadirah Angail

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