Category Archives: Sex

On Saying No to Nookie: A Dating Girl’s Guide to Abstinence

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Introduce abstinence into your relationship and see how it changes things.

I know it’s 2011. I know shows like Sex and the City have “liberated” women and made casual sex cool, a woman’s right.  Still, I’m writing this. If you’ve read my last post on abstaining while dating, then you know I’m not coming to you from the pulpit. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re being preached to. This is about taking certain steps to ensure you have a happy, healthy relationship. Some women have no interest in abstaining. They’re perfectly happy having sex with the men they date and do not want to stop. This isn’t for them. This is for the women who have noticed patterns of hurt and dysfunction in their past relationships that involved premature sex and the many complications it brings with it.

We all know how abstinence is promoted: “You should do it, but everyone knows you won’t.” It’s treated like a lofty, untouchable goal that “good girls” should say they have, but put no real effort into attaining. Therein lies the problem. No one sees it as reasonable and possible. No one is taught how to conduct themselves in order to make it a serious goal. The result is a bunch of sexed up people  who can’t figure out why things keep going  awry.

If you’d like to take abstinence out of the sky and make it real and tangible, follow these rules and see how your relationships change.

  • Have a strong reason for doing it (or should I say “not doing it”)- People that are successful in abstinence often have a deep connection to the decision. Do you want to do it for religious reasons or do you just believe it will honestly help and de-complicate your relationships? Either way, you need to know why you’ve made this decision.
  • See it as a lifestyle change, not simply avoiding sex- This is where many people fail. They tell themselves they won’t have sex, but continue to be as flirty, lovey-dovey, and touchy as they’ve always been. Human nautre being what it is, it doesn’t take long for old habits to take over. In order to be successful, you have to change your behavior.  It’s not just about cutting out sex. It’s about eliminating (or at least significantly reducing) sexual behavior. Don’t sit on his lap. Don’t invite him over late at night to “just chill.”  Don’t wear your “freakum dress” around him. Don’t plan to make-out all night, thinking you’ll just stop before things go to far. Let’s be real. You’ve been there. You’ve done that. We both know what happened.
  • Show him before you tell him- No one starts a conversation by saying, “Hi, I’m Nad, and I will NOT be having sex with you.” That’s a surefire way to weird him out. In the beginning, who you will or won’t be having sex with is none of his business, but your behavior should give him a clue as to what he’s dealing with.  If you’re very “friendly” from jump, he’s going to get the idea that sex is most definitely on the horizon, but if you set clear boundaries and let him know he’s going to have to put in some work, he’ll know you’re the real deal when you do start to discuss sex.  Ask a man. He’ll tell you about all the women that said they were celibate, but quickly proved themselves wrong. Don’t be that woman.
  • Don’t be scared that abstinence will be a turn-off for him- Some women have sex just to keep him interested. “Girl, he’s too cute to let go. If he’s not getting it from me, I know he’ll just go get it somewhere else.”  Believe it or not, there are men that will respect your decision (and even prefer) to wait.  If a man becomes upset or tries to give you an ultimatum, what he’s really saying is, “I’m not the one for you.”

Are you abstinent? Has it improved your relationships? What tactics have you used to stick to your decision?

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~Nadirah Angail

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On Beautiful Sexless Relationships

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Usually, when you read articles about couples that aren’t having sex, it’s far from beautiful. You usually get sobering stats on the percent of undersexed couples followed by a list of relationship-destroying effects. Lastly (to reinstate some hope and lure the reader back from the edge) the writer finishes up with some fun tips on how to get things steamy again. I’m not knocking these articles. I believe and support them, so much so that I’ve already written something similar about the  importance of sex. This article, however, takes a different stance.

You may be wondering what kind of benefit could come from not having sex. Well, tons if you’re not married. Sex, as wonderful as it is, can actually be a detriment to the relationships of unmarried couples. Before you roll your eyes and exit out of this screen, give me a chance. I have no intention of approaching this from a religious standpoint. I’m certain you’ve heard that speech and have already made your mind up one way or the other. My approach is practical and deals specifically with the current-life effects sex can have on unmarried couples.

Most of us aren’t aware of it, but the process of falling in love has a lot to do with brain stimulation and hormones. When you first meet a new love interest, neurochemicals like adrenaline, serotonin and dopamine are released in the brains. They are the reason you get so excited when you see that certain someone and can’t stop thinking about them. You know that fluttery feeling you get in your belly just from seeing your new boo? Those are neurochemicals at work. They make us feel like this person is the coolest, sexiest thing on earth, capable of no wrong. Basically, these chemicals intoxicate us with what I like to call “beginner’s love” and cause us to view our new mates with rose-colored glasses. And all this happens before the sex.

Introduce sex into the picture and you get a whole new ball game. Enter the powerful hormone oxytocin. This little guy is nature’s own “feel good” drug, and it creates the type of rush cocaine addicts feign for. It’s released during breastfeeding (which explains why breastfeeding babies seem so content while latched on) and during and after childbirth to help the mother recover from the pain and bond with the child. It’s also released during sex, if you hadn’t guessed already. This powerful cocktail of brain activity can lead us to think even the biggest loser in town is the our Mr./Mrs. Right.

I’m sure you or someone you know has uttered the following words: “I’d leave but the sex is just so good.” Sex can cloud our thinking and make us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do. We get so wrapped up in that great feeling that we’re willing to put up with his consistent joblessness or  her cheating ways.  Or maybe it’s not that bad. Perhaps your mate does have a job and doesn’t cheat (congrats on that), but you still just don’t get along that well. You argue all the time and have little in common. Without the physical aspect of the relationship, it become obvious you two should part ways, but with it, things get difficult. When couples decide to hold off on sex, they have no choice but to focus on the more important aspects of compatibility and life style. It may sound hard to do (or even impossible to some) but the benefits are worth the sacrifice.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Spontaneously Generating, Asexual Muslims

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sexAre non married Muslims allowed to have sex? “No,” yells the incensed reader, outraged that I would ask such an obvious question. Ok, I guess that was a pretty pointless question, but here’s another. Are married Muslims allowed to have sex? On the surface the answer seems just as easy as the first, but sometimes I’m not so sure. I know that Muslim couples are always having children and that the news of a new baby is always uplifting for the community, but to consider the extreme way we avoid the topic of—dare I say it—sex (gasp!), it wouldn’t be hard to conclude that Muslims are spontaneously generating, asexual beings.

            Actually, now that I think of it, we don’t avoid the topic that much. Muslims are quick to tell you all the haraam aspects of sex: who shouldn’t be doing it, what should be done to those who are doing it, what to do to prevent yourself from doing it, etc. We’ll talk about that all day with the type of fiery passion that you only see in a worked up Muslim. And alhamdulliah for that. It’s important to know these things to protect us from Shaitan’s seductive call, but is that all we need to know? Is there no other side to this sex coin?

Lucky for all of us, there is another side.  Just as sex outside of marriage is a sin, sex within marriage is a blessing, and what a necessary and wondrous blessing it is. Many wedding invitations and matrimony websites are decorated with this popular ayat: “It is He who created you from a single soul, And made its mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love”(7:189). Sex is a big part of creating and maintaining that love. More than just some mechanical task that couples engage in solely to procreate, sex is (or at least should be) a highly-enjoyable, bonding activity that relieves stress and tension, builds emotional connections, strengthen romantic love, encourages trust and heightens overall marital enjoyment. More simply put, it just makes ya feel good, and we shouldn’t feel bad about that.

            Though you wouldn’t know it from talking to some Muslims or reading some Islamic books, there are various sayings of Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) regarding the importance of foreplay and sexual intimacy. For example:

Sa’id ibn al-Musayyib (RA) is said to report the Blessed Prophet’s opinion of a loving sexual relationship are as follows. “When a Muslim man intends to come to his wife, God writes for him 20 good deeds and erases from him 20 evil deeds. When he takes her by the hand, God writes for him 40 good deeds and erases from him 40 evil deeds. When he kisses her, God writes for him 60 good deeds and erases from him 60 evil deeds. When he comes into her, God writes for him 120 good deeds. When he stands up to make the ablution, God boasts of him to the angels and says: ”Look at My servant! He stands up on a cold night to wash himself of impurity (janaba) seeking the good pleasure of his Lord. I bear witness to you that I have forgiven him his sins.”

This is only one of many beautiful sayings regarding the benefits and, in my opinion, art of sexual intimacy. This is invaluable information that young Muslim couples should be learning. And some of them are, but not enough. Unfortunately, some books on Muslim marriage merely gloss over this topic with a vague and fleeting entry or, even worse, ignore it all together. I’ve even read marriage books that said nothing more than “Recite the following duas before intercourse,” or “Wives should be sure never to deny their husbands.” So, did someone rip out some pages or is that really all you got? Anxious and excited young believers turn to these books for guidance and reassurance and all they get is a sentence or two?  No wonder so many women, Muslim and non-Muslim alike, have problems with sexual intimacy.

            Allah has blessed women with quite intricate reproductive systems. Aside from all the equipment necessary for child birth and other feminine functions, there is another organ (the clitoris) whose sole purpose is to provide sexual pleasure. I’m not saying this to be graphic, but to illustrate Allah’s mercy and plan for us. We are made to enjoy our sexual experiences. With that said, it comes as a shock that, according to WebMD, anywhere from 33 to 50% of women have trouble achieving orgasm. And while some of these women’s problems are organic in nature, most of them are psychological.

            It makes sense. Our society floods us with sexual images of women that, 99.9% of the time, are degrading, not to mention inaccurate. Female sexuality is often reduced to nothing more than fodder for men’s unchecked lust and desires. Add to that an unfortunate lack of balanced information about sex from a religious stand point. The ugly result is a mass of sexually repressed women that feel ashamed of sex, even within the protective confines of marriage. I’m not advocating that Muslims become as foot loose and fancy feel with sexuality as the rest of the world, because I think our modesty is beautiful and absolutely necessary. I just wish that we could become more balanced and inclusive in our explanations of sex and all that it entails.

Nadirah Angail