Category Archives: Communication

On the Two Faces of Truth| How to Effectively Communicate When You Don’t Agree

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Image credit: nuttakit

You already know the problem: He doesn’t listen. He may look like he’s  listening, but he can’t be. The things he does and says indicate otherwise. That’s that problem, and he needs to fix it if he wants this thing to work.

Sound familiar? It’s natural to take your own truth as gospel, but that sort of rigid thinking just doesn’t work in relationships. (Yes, I have tried.) It’s perfectly fine if you’re helping your kids with their multiplication tables –9×9 is 81 and there’s no getting around that– but relationship truth is a whole different breed.

When you’re dealing with emotions, personal histories and relationship legacies, all that once was deep black and stark white becomes a murky shade of gray. Enter confusion and mayhem.

Well, not necessarily. There is a way to navigate the gray, shadowy waters of relationship communication without completely (or even nearly) drowning. It just takes understanding and practice.

Understand

Know that reality, as fixed and finite as it may seem, is all about perception. In your mind, what you think is going on is really what’s going on. It doesn’t matter if no one else agrees. In your mind, it’s real. That makes it real in your world. Let’s consider an example. Imagine if, out of the blue, you were suddenly attacked by ferocious, flesh-eating ants. You run to your mate and yell, “Help, get them off!” but he looks at you like you’re crazy.

“Get what off?” he asks, confused. “I see you’re in a silly mood today.” He gives you a quick smile and goes off about his business, leaving you and the ants to battle for your life. Would the fact that he couldn’t see the ants make them any less real? Would it make you any less scared? Of course not.

That is the basis of understanding the tricky truth of relationships. You don’t have to see his point, but you do have to realize that it is real to him and, therefore, valid. What he’s saying may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. It may sound like a bunch of nonsense, but you have to respect it as his truth, his experience.

And to bring balance to the system, he must do the same for you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re being dramatic, overly emotional, too sensitive, or any of the other common dispositions women are accused of having. It only matters that he gives you a safe and secure space to express your perception.

Much of the “fight” in couples’ communication comes from the insistence of each party that he/she is right and the other is absolutely, unequivocally wrong (and a stupid jerk face). Once you understand that there is no definite right or wrong and that you both have the right to feel however it is you’re feeling, things begin to change.

Practice

If only understanding were enough. It takes practice to break the habit of declaring yourself the arbiter of truth. Despite your new understanding, you will want to go back to your black and white view of things. That’s a promise and a guarantee. We are hard-wired to want to stick to what is familiar and comfortable, so this necessary change won’t come easily.

When in an argument, keep the focus of your statements on you. Talk about how you feel and what you think, even if its regarding how he feels and what he thinks. Statements like, “You don’t think I’m smart enough to a make an important decision,” make assumptions about his thinking. You are not in his head. You can’t say what he thinks. But what you can say, with absolute certainty, is what you think he thinks and how your interpretation of his thoughts makes you feel.

So, what would that look like? Let’s start with an example of what it would not look like:

“You like to start fights with me. That’s why you act like this. You know it gets under my skin. I can’t stand you or your mind games!”

This is a perfect way to rev up an argument. It attempts to force him to take ownership of statements he may not want to make.

Here’s another way it could go:

“I feel like you start fights with me on purpose, just to get under my skin. Is that true?”

This statement doesn’t force him to own anything. It only explains your interpretation of his behavior and then gives him a chance to clear up any confusion. Both statements explain how you feel, but the latter doesn’t back him into a corner. It also doesn’t add fuel to the fire.

~Nadirah Angail

On Conflict Resolution | A Fighting Fair How-to Guide for Couples

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happy couple with boxing glovesHere’s the thing: He doesn’t have to stay. Neither do you. No one does. Relationships are always voluntary, and people tend to stop volunteering when it gets too hard, too complicated, too full of tension and anger. That’s why conflict resolution and  fighting fair are so important. You can’t completely get rid of the problems that arise, but you can handle them in such a way that you don’t end your marriage.

#1. Resolve Conflict by Ditching Entitlement

At work, do you say and do whatever pops into your mind? Probably not, because you want to keep your job and know that saying or doing the wrong thing could result in your being fired. You know your boss doesn’t owe you a position. You have to earn it. Couples should think in the same way. Just because your husband loves you doesn’t mean he should have to put up with your verbal attacks. Just because your wife loves you doesn’t mean she should have to look past your outright disrespect.

Sometimes, we women can overstep our boundaries. We think we have the right to have big attitudes because, “He’s a man.  He can take it.” You’re right. He can take it, but why should he? And who wants to live like that? Wouldn’t it make sense to find someone who wasn’t going to make his life miserable just because she thinks she has the right to? Men, too, can overstep boundaries. They get comfortable and think, “She ain’t going nowhere.” Well, if she’s smart. she will go somewhere. She’s find a man who appreciates her and shows her just how much he does. If you know you’ve got a good mate, treat them like you want to keep them.

#2. Resolve Conflict by Being Aware of Your Feelings

The key to fighting fair is avoiding “low blows”. The only way to do that is to have a heightened sense of awareness during an argument. Many people do the opposite. They allow their anger to send them into a blind rage. You never know what’s going to come out then. There is no filter,  no awareness. Just pure, unstable emotion. That’s why you said that hurtful comment you now regret. That’s why the situation never seems to improve no matter how many times you fight over it.

When you’re aware of exactly how upset you are and how it can affect you, it’s easier the pull yourself back from the edge.  Take a deep breath. Sit down. Tell your mate you need some time to calm down. Whatever it takes to keep that filter from flying off and crashing up against the wall. If you are used to letting your anger choose your words, increasing your self-awareness will be hard. It will feel unnatural and forced, but the result it will have on your relationship is worth the effort.

#3. Resolve Conflict by Focusing on the Final Goal

At the moment, your goal is to find a resolution to the problem at hand (or maybe it is to get your holes filled), but what is the ultimate goal, the one that matters above all else? Hopefully you answered, “to be happily married.” Isn’t that what we all want, to be able to look at the person we’ve chosen and be happy with that choice?  That goal should dictate the way you argue. Are you working toward peace and happiness or toward more tension and anger? Look back on how you’ve handled yourself in past arguments to find the answer to that question.

“But I’m just so angry. He’s not listening to me. He never does!” you yell at the computer screen. Ok, that’s a problem, a considerable one, but remember your goal. Even if you are unsure about if you want to stay married, assume that you do for the moment. (That’s not the type of decision you want to make based on emotion.) Tell him you feel he doesn’t take your wishes and concerns seriously, and tell him what you’d like him to do about it. You’re guaranteed to get better results than if you just yell at him and storm out of the room.

Here are some examples of what you should and shouldn’t say. (Yes, I’m giving you a script. I want this to be as easy as possible.)

  • You shouldn’t say something like, “You never listen to me. It’s like you don’t even love me! I don’t need this @%$#!” That’s too vague (and dramatic) and it offers no solution.
  • You should say something like, “When you (________), it makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me and it upsets me. I’d really appreciate it if you (_________).” That is to the point and it makes it very clear what the problem is and how it can be fixed.

#4. Loosen the Heck Up!

Sometimes when things are rocky, you get in such a funk that you become determined to be upset and grumpy. It’s like you write it down on a subconscious agenda. In these cases, it doesn’t take much to  get you going. Your mate can do one small thing and you’re ready to break out the claws. Chill out. It’s not that serious, I promise. The happiest couples are ones who are able to handle their issues effectively. No grudges. No drama.  This has been proven time and time again.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the 4 of Us: Me, My Husband, His Girlfriend and My Boyfriend

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Is 4 a crowd?Stop that! You’re judging me. I can feel it. You took one look at that title and now you think I’m into some freaky stuff. Well, the truth is, I’m not even talking about myself. I’m talking about Towanda. You know Towanda, right? She’s one of singer Toni Braxton’s sisters and 1/5th of the cast of the new reality show Braxton Family Values.   She admitted on the premiere episode that she and her husband date outside of their marriage.

She also said they sleep in separate beds and keep their extramarital activity from their children, so it sounds like the marriage has run its course as far as they’re concerned. Their only reason for staying together is to save the children the emotional stress of a divorce. Considering that divorce is known for having devastating effects on children that last well into adulthood, is there something to be said of a couple who is trying –granted, in a rather non-traditional way–to avoid such a fate?

I usually have definite positions on issues, but I’m not so sure here. On one hand, I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and think dating (other people, that is) should be left to those who haven’t made a serious commitment to God and each other. On the other, I have to applaud them on at least recognizing and considering their children’s feelings and not rushing into something that has such dreaded potential.  I disagree with what they’re doing, but understand why they’re doing it.

Still, though, I can’t help but wonder how it’s all going to turn out. I don’t know how old their children are, but if they’re over the age of 2, they probably already know their parents are sleeping in separate beds. Children are far more perceptive than adults usually realize. And these dates they’re going on, what could possibly come of those relationships? If either of them meets someone they really like, what’s the next step, to continue to date in secret forever? I’m just having trouble seeing how this type of setup would work out in the long run. There’s got to be another option, but what is it?

Should they continue what they’ve been doing, stop dating and stay unhappily married, or divorce and risk hurting the children? None of these options sound all that appealing, but more and more couples are finding themselves facing this crossroads. We can all probably think of at least one person who has stayed married only to keep the children happy.  It may be a good friend or it may be you. This sounds good in theory (because it ensures that children don’t have to grieve the “loss” of a parent or their family) but it doesn’t take into account the fact that simply having both parents in the same house isn’t enough to afford children emotional stability.

One of the best things parents can give their children is a good relationship with the other parent. Not only does this give them a blueprint for how to treat their future spouses, but it also helps build a strong sense of self. When children see mommy and daddy getting along and treating each other with respect, they instinctively know that they deserve the same treatment. When children see that their parents obviously love each other, its so much easier for them to love themselves.

This brings me back to Towanda’s children. What are they seeing? Obviously not the infidelity (thank God), but what? Do they see happy parents, parents that are kind to each other, parents that at least pretend to love each other, or do they see disengaged parents who merely exist in the same space? I don’t know the atmosphere in their home, so I’m not making any assumptions or conclusions. I’m just questioning the environment they’ve created.

What do you think about this situation? Yay or nay? Thoughts, questions, opinions?

~Nadirah Angail

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Sunday Switcheroo Presents: Top 10 Ways to Stay Married for Life

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Every Sunday (as long as there is submitted content) I’ll be featuring a post from another cool blogger. Let me know if you’re interested in participating.

Today, our guest blogger offers up some much needed tips on staying married.

By: Meagan Frank

This list is not the golden ticket to a thrilling and unbelievable marriage.  That is up to you and your spouse.  What this is, rather, is a condensed list of the practical and common sense things that propelled my marriage from the brink of disaster to more solid ground.  There is wisdom to be had, and practical principles to adopt, but you have to want to make the changes. You have to be open to self-analysis, and if you are, truly great things can happen for your marriage.

It is not new, or fantastic or mind-blowing, but what I found, after 8 years of interviewing, reading, questioning and working is that there are a few things that seem to be most important to the success of a lifelong marriage.

Starting with number ten and working to the number one thing you need to do to stay in a marriage for life:

Number 10-Take Care of Yourself- it is no one’s responsibility but your own.

As nice as it is to have a partner wholly devoted to your every need, it is not usually realistic and I could argue it is not all that healthy.  A partnership is a shared commitment of caring, but it is not a commitment to full responsibility.  If you are unhappy, it is not fair to expect anyone else to be in charge of your happiness.  After marriage, you are part of a couple, but that doesn’t make you any less responsible for yourself.  You need to be a whole person in your marriage…not someone’s other half.

Number 9- Learn to Fight Fair- don’t avoid the fights just avoid the nastiness.

When you are in for the long haul of a marriage, expect that you will have arguments, disagreements, discomfort and miscommunications.  That is the unfortunate reality of being in a human relationship. Because you may not be able to control the discord, it is imperative you learn to control the discourse.

Only use “I” statements when talking with your spouse about your feelings.

Validate the other person’s feelings and respect him/her enough to listen.

Walk away when it gets too heated, and come back when your heart rate has calmed.

It is okay to agree to disagree, and you do not always have to be right.

Learning the fighting strategies of your spouse is important, not so you can change his/her approach, but just so you can put effective energy into having your opinion heard.

Number 8- Pay Attention to Life’s Stressors- awareness of what stresses you out is half the battle.

Acknowledge when you, your spouse, or your marriage may be under attack by one of the big stressors of life.  Getting married, the birth of a child, the death of a loved one, a job change, a house move, chronic illness, and financial burdens can all put significant strain on a marriage. It is not easy, but necessary, to recognize when the family unit may be experiencing this kind of stress.  Buckling down and fortifying against these stressors does not make the problem go away, but it does make the going a little easier.

Number 7- Lower your Expectations- Give more than you get. Have a heart of gratitude and generosity instead of a heart of greed.

“Ask not what your marriage can do for you…ask what you can do for your marriage.”

In a culture where immediate gratification comes before almost anything else, it is hard to get out of the mindset of expectation.  We are taught to believe we deserve the best of everything and we are shocked and disappointed when the people around us are not living up to our expectations.

Marriage is more work than anyone wants to acknowledge, and when we lower our expectations to reflect reality instead of fantasy, we are less disappointed and more able to offer the best of ourselves to one another.

Number 6- Ask for What You Need- There are times when your needs are significant enough, then it is extremely important to communicate those needs, lovingly.

Lowering expectations to reflect reality allows for better connection with our spouses, but there are times when we have to stand up and say that even our realistic expectations are not being met.  When you know your spouses communication techniques you can approach at the right time and with the right language to ask for what you need.  Practice the techniques of gentle persuasion, lively debate, formal meeting or written request.  Find the mode of communication that works best for you and your partner, and use it often.

Number 5- Surround Yourself with Supportive Friends and Couples-  No one person can fulfill your emotional needs and the more healthy people you can have in your life, the better off your marriage will be.

Marriage works best with support from family and friends.  When there is an entire network of healthy people to bolster your relationship, you have the support you need when the marriage may be strained.  Your spouse may be the best spouse in the world, but humans are social creatures and we crave fulfilling relationships in all aspects of our lives.  It is silly to assume that one person can fulfill all of our relationship needs.

Number 4- Do Something Gratifying Every Day- What is your passion? Your inspiration? What may be hard to start but makes you feel fantastic when you are done?

Positive psychologist Martin Seligman argues that gratifying experiences (an arduous workout regimen, reading a difficult book, practicing an instrument, volunteering to help others) are the key to lifelong happiness.  When you invest in these activities for yourself (or with your spouse) you are more fulfilled and able to offer more to every relationship in your life, and especially your marriage.

Number 3- Change Your Internal Dialogue- Think about the words you use to talk about your spouse, your marriage, your day-to-day life.  If they are not full of positive energy, they need to be.

How we talk about ourselves, our spouse, our marriage and our day all become a part of who we are.  If we sound more bitter and annoyed than satisfied and excited, that is the feeling we take to the next day.  I tell myself, “My husband is awesome…my husband is awesome…my husband is awesome,” and then I spend some time looking for reasons to defend that.  You find what you are looking for in someone, and that does not preclude your spouse.  Make the effort to change the way you think and talk about your spouse.  Your feelings will follow, and when you share your feelings with your spouse, all of a sudden he/she lives up to your description.

Number 2- Choose the Right Person- It is so important to choose a mate for character above ANYTHING else.

This advice is obviously for the soon-to-be-married or the seriously contemplating among us.  It matters quite a lot that you choose someone who will be able to weather life with you.  Looks are great, muscles are awesome and money doesn’t hurt, but if the person with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life is void of character, your marriage will struggle significantly.  Integrity, honesty, trustworthiness, loyalty, work ethic, humility and kindness are all great words to describe the kind of character in a partner that makes a lifelong marriage possible.

Number 1- DECIDE YOU WILL BE MARRIED FOR LIFE- The number one thing a couple must do to ensure they will survive the battlefield of a lifelong marriage is to simply decide it will be so.

Survival experts, the kind who deal with life-and-death survival, will tell you that the number one thing that determines whether someone will survive a traumatic event is their state of mind about the situation.  Simply deciding that they are survivors is the first and most important step to making it through a disaster.

Lifelong marriage is no different. A couple eventually has to come to a point when they decide that “Yes! We are going to be married for life!” Hemming and hawing, questioning and doubting are not all bad for the growth of a marriage, but in order to make it last, a final decision must be made.

A Few Words About the Author

A 1997 graduate of Colorado College, Meagan was a high school English teacher for three years. She married her husband Paul in August of 1998.  Their son, Nate, was born in 2000, their first daughter, Haley,  in 2002, and their second daughter, Kiana, in 2005.  In those five child-bearing years, she was a stay-at-home mom who wrote random musings and convinced one magazine to publish an article of hers.  In fall of 2003, she started research for Choosing to Grow Through Marriage. In the fall of 2005, she was hired as a reporter for The Dunn County News in Menomonie, Wisconsin and for five months she did a variety of writing projects for the paper.  Meagan wrote features, opinion pieces and news articles.  She generally lives in Woodbury, Minnesota, but you can also find her at the family cabin in Wisconsin or at one of her favorite summer vacation spots near Castle Rock, Colorado.

Her book Choosing to Grow: Through Marriage will be released by TreasureLine Books in March 2011.

You can find her author page on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Meagan-Frank/107752912591410

Or you can read her blog: www.meaganfrank.wordpress.com

 

On Why Your Marriage is So Hard: The Swiss Cheese Metaphor

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Why is marriage so hard? It’s a question all married people have asked themselves. Even single people take a stab at this enigma when they hear about what some married couples (or soon-to-be divorced couples) go through. Relationships in general can be trying; ask anyone with a parent or a sibling. They’ll tell you (like you don’t already know for yourself) about the difficulties of being in relation to others. But, still, there is something different about romantic relationships. They often reach a level of difficulty that other relationships don’t even come close to.

I have a thing for metaphors. I think they have a special way of driving home a point and making it palatable in a way that plain word cannot, so I came up with one: marriage is hard because you are like a piece of Swiss cheese. See, now doesn’t that make everything crystal clear? Can’t you see a bright light and hear peaceful harps playing? What? You don’t? Fine, I’ll explain more.

You are like a piece of Swiss cheese. We all are. For the most part, we’re pretty solid, but we’ve all got little holes in us that are the result of insecurities, perceived deficiencies, unresolved traumas and emotional hang-ups. Despite these holes, most of us get along in life pretty well. We’re able to hide them, compensate for them, camouflage them. Whatever it takes to make it through the day. That becomes our normal routine, until that magical day when we meet “the One.” Fireworks explode, dramatic music plays and a group of doves fly across the sky. You’re in love!

“Finally,” you say to your new love, “I’ve found someone that will complete me by filling my many holes. Thanks to you, my life will now be perfect and hole-free!” And for a short while (a time referred to as the honeymoon phase) it is. You actually feel like a complete piece of cheese. You continue to feel this way until one day when you happen to pass by a mirror and notice that (gasp) your holes are still there! “I’ve been tricked, hoodwinked, bamboozled,” you exclaim.

After the initial shock fades, you calm down. “He didn’t fill my holes, but he will,” you say, rubbing your hands together and letting out one of those creepy mad scientist laughs. You decide that all your spouse needs is a little help. That’s when you set out to change him–either through covert manipulation or outright coercion–into the hole-filler you want him to be. That’s when things get hard.

We all have certain expectations that we put on our mates. Many of these expectations (though we don’t even realize it) are intended to fill our holes. For example, a person with self esteem issues may expect their spouse to constantly feed their ego and always make them feel like the king of the world. They don’t realize they’re trying to get a hole filled. They simply think they’re expecting the spouse to be supportive. Another person with abandonment issues may expect their spouse to be extremely attentive–to the point of clinginess. This person also doesn’t realize their hole-filling agenda. They just think they’re expecting the spouse to be caring and considerate.

We all have holes that can lead us to hold our spouses to unrealistic expectations, and until we realize this, we will constantly be dissatisfied with our spouses’ abilities to satisfy us. We will constantly look to them to give us something they don’t possess: our happiness. As wonderful as your spouse is, he can’t be your everything. I don’t care how many sappy love songs use that exact lyric (“You are my everything,”) it’s just not true. If everything you have and are comes from this other person, what are you adding to the relationship? And what happens to you if that person leaves? What are you left with? You should have your own happiness that you willingly share with your spouse. That way, during those moments when they upset you, you’ll have your own happiness to rest in. During those moments when they can’t understand or relate to you, you’ll have your own peace to retreat to. During those moments when they can’t stand you, you’ll have your own sense of worth to lean on. Understanding this won’t make marriage a breeze, but it makes it a lot easier.

~Nadirah Angail

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