Category Archives: Love Mate

Reader Reach Out| Should I Marry a Man with a Crazy Baby’s Mama?

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Dear nadAnonymous writes: I am engaged to be married to a great man, but his children’s mother is crazy!  I try to make the best of the situation but she makes it so hard. Sometimes I’ll text her to set up arrangements for when the children will come to our house, but she is always disrespectful. Shell text things like “Don’t worry about it, ho! He still wants me!” I show these to my fiancé and he says he’s talked to her about it but she wont stop. The other day, one of the kids asked me where my broom was.  I know he knows where the broom is. I told him its in the kitchen where it always is, but he said “no, your riding broom. Mommy said your a witch.” I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes I think we should call the wedding off. We don’t have a date set yet.

What do you think?

Response: Hello reader,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine how stressful it is. I’m assuming you have no kids together since you made no mention of any. That matters a lot.

I know he told you he talked to their mother, but did he tell you exactly what he has said? As frustrating as this is now, it will be MUCH WORSE when you are actually married. It sounds like the ex is bitter, so you guys getting married will only increase her bitterness (read: she’s probably going to up her antics into high gear).

This is not how you want to start off your marriage and its not how you want to live your married life. Whatever he’s done, he needs to do more. Maybe have a sit-down with both of you where he makes it exceedingly clear that

1.) has no interest in her romantically

2.) he demands respect for you as his soon-to-be wife,

3.) he doesn’t want her saying disrespectful things to the children about you

Since she’s proven she’s too immature to have your number, she shouldn’t have it anymore. You need to get a new number and (until things are settled and she has calmed down) he should be making all the arrangements for the children’s visits, or maybe you guys should come up with a standing arrangement that everyone can agree to. That will lessen the need for contact. If necessary, you all can meet out at a neutral/public place to drop off and pick up the kids.

Two things are for sure: He needs to see his kids (regularly) and they need to be spared from all this adult drama. As a man, it’s his job to make sure that happens.

A lot of times, bitter exs are still hurt because of whatever happened in the relationship. Maybe he needs offer a sincere apology (if he did something wrong) or at least let her know that he appreciates her giving him some beautiful children and that he will always respect her for that. However, he also should add on the he needs respect back, for him, for you, and for his choices.

As for you, I think you should kill her with kindness. I know, that’s hard to do when someone is acting as crazy as she is, but I bet it will throw a huge monkey wrench in her plans. She wants to get under your skin, wants to make you upset. If you respond in kind, she’s getting what she wants. Instead, ignore the foolishness (as hard as that is) and say nothing but kind words. If you can’t do that, say nothing at all. And you really want to be nice if you are ever together in person, especially in front of the kids and your fiance. You want everyone to see it isn’t you who is starting this mess.

Since you don’t have a date set, you’ve got time. If he is really a good man, I wouldn’t call off the wedding just yet, but I would put some big time pressure on him protect you more from her misplaced anger.

Hope this helps,

~Nadirah Angail

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Reader Reach Out| Boyfriend Makes Hurtful Comments About Weight

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Dear nadAnonymous writes: Hello, I have a boyfriend that I love very much. In the last two years Ive gain a lot of weight (45lbs). I know its just stress because my job is crazy and I’m financially strained. I lost my other job and this one pays less. He is not considerate at all. He calls me things like “fat ass” and “wide load.” I told him that doesn’t help me at all and he did apologize, but he always says it again if we get in a fight or if he sees me eating a lot. In general he is a good guy but this issue is really hurting me. I do want to lose weight, but he just stresses me more then I eat more.

Please help.

Response: Hello, Thanks for reaching out. A lot of us know what it is like to watch our weights fluctuate as stress mounts. It’s not fun. It’s especially not fun when the ones we love are not supportive.

Is this name calling something he’s been doing the the whole 2 years, or has it recently started? If it’s recent, could it be that he’s experiencing something stressful himself and he’s taking it out on you? Of course this doesn’t justify his behavior, but I’m trying to see if its been a consistent problem or something new, brought on by a particular event. Perhaps he is stressed out and this behavior is his reaction to that stress. If that’s the case, though, he needs to find more appropriate strategies for handling that stress. You can even help him with that if you like. Or maybe he’s just a flat out jerk. (Sorry, I had to say it.) Either way, you have to have a serious talk with him about what you will and won’t accept in the relationship.

Yes, you’ve gained weight. Yes, you realize it is a problem (because it’s a health concern, not simply because he doesn’t like it). No, you should not accept his rude comments, which only make the situation worse. Let him know you’d appreciate his support and gentle constructive criticism (meaning loving suggestions on what you could do differently) , but have no use or need for his insults and disrespectful comments. As your boyfriend, he should be the one that supports you the most. He’s not doing that, so it is up to you to decide how much longer you’ll allow him to behave this way. I won’t say break up, because I know things aren’t always black and white, but I will say assert yourself as a person who deserves  must have respect at all times. If he’s not prepared to give that. I’d say he’s not prepared to be with you.

Hope this helps,

~Nadirah Angail

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On Django Unchained: 4 Marriage Lessons We Can Learn From A Fictitious Bounty Hunter

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Django and Broomhilda, husband and wife

photo credit: imdb.com

Let’s suspend the politics and cultural implications of the movie. For the moment, let’s don our blinders and focus exclusively on Django the husband. He’s one bad mofo, wouldn’t you say? Braving the elements for miles and miles, slaying (in a most gruesome fashion)  anyone who gets in his way, all in the name of love for his dear wife.

Of course it’s just a movie, full of exaggeration and inaccuracy, but the message here is powerful: This man, this black man, loves his wife, and he isn’t going to let distance, danger or even the evil institution of slavery keep him from her. Put that in your bullhorn and blast it.

Following are 4 lessons we could all learn to strengthen our precious marriages:

Django wise

While speaking with his enlightened German business partner, Django explains that he and his wife believe in marriage, despite the fact that his slave owner didn’t. He is wise enough to understand the value of marriage, the significance of commitment. He doesn’t concern himself with the polluted thoughts of those who don’t acknowledge his marriage. To him, it is sacred and must be protected.

Now, why can’t we real-life people hold marriage in such esteem? Instead of divorcing at the drop of a dime and airing our dirty laundry on Facebook and Twitter, we should remind ourselves of the sanctity of marriage. It’s kind of a big deal.

Django determined

Django begins the movie as a slave who has been separated from his wife. It doesn’t look good. No one would blame him if he just decided to give up and move on, but he doesn’t.  He takes advantage of the opportunity to be reunited with his love–even though it’s hard, even though it’s unlikely, even though it takes a soul-shaking amount of dedication that few can muster. That’s how determined he is to save his wife and his marriage. This is the type of determination all married couples need. We must journey toward each other like magnets, unable to escape the pull.

Django faithful

How easy is it to cheat when your wife is gone and probably never coming back? Too easy. Most people wouldn’t even see it as cheating, but Django isn’t most people.  He’s a yearning husband who wants nothing and no one other than his wife. There is a scene where he is left alone with a female slave. He grabs her and pushes her up against a tree, not to make sexual advances, but to talk to her about the men he’s seeking out. The fact that he’s separated from his wife is immaterial. He’s married. He’s committed. Point blank, period.

Django emotionally stable

There are a few scenes where Django feels his wife is in danger. He wants, with every fiber of his being, to grab her and whisk her to safety, but he knows that would blow his disguise and ruin any chance of them being together. So, instead, he plays it cool and further assesses the situation.

This is major. The ability to control your emotions and voluntarily respond rather than involuntarily react is a crucial asset in any marriage. It makes all the difference in your interactions, especially the difficult ones. So many people have a tendency to lose their filters when emotions are high. It’s as if the feeling of anger gives you licence to, well, flip out. NOT the case.

Tap into your inner Django and preserve your marriage.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Girlfriend Zone | 5 Things You’re Doing That Keep Him From Proposing

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girlfriend zoneWe’ve all heard of the dreaded “friend zone,” but what about the “girlfriend zone”? That’s when you meet a nice guy and you become his girlfriend–and then you stay his girlfriend, for years on end. No progress, no plans, no growth. Just straight up, plateaued consistency (which, in this case, is SO not what you’re going for). So, what went wrong? You’re faithful. You don’t nag (or do you?) You treat him better than any other woman ever could.  And, the piece de resistance, you keep it cute and classy. So, really, what is his deal?

*takes a deep breath and clears throat*

Okay, how can I say this as tactfully and gingerly as possible? Guess I’ll just come out and say it: It’s YOU, baby child! You are the reason your longtime boyfriend hasn’t taken a knee.

Before you curse me out and storm off this page, hear me out. I know it sounds harsh, but I promise I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t want to help. When a man stays in a relationship for an extended period of time and doesn’t propose, it’s because he doesn’t have to. That’s not to say that men who do propose  only do it because they “have to” as in “are forced to do,” but it is to say that they’ve reached a point where NOT being your husband is no longer acceptable. They see that as wonderful as you are as a girlfriend, it’s no comparison to the way he’ll experience you as his wife. It is this added value that encourages men to propose. That leads me to the first thing women do to keep men from proposing.

1. Giving him too many benefits

If you two have been together for many years, chances are you’re already acting like a married couple. You may be washing his dirty clothes, dropping off  his dry cleaning, balancing his checkbook, checking in on his errant younger sister (whom you’ve grown rather close to over the years) and giving him free and clear access to your body. You’ve given him so many perks in the trial version that he has no reason to want to upgrade.

Some women (many women, actually) fear that if they don’t take on this wifey position, he’ll move on to someone else who will. To those women, I say this: An interested man is hard to deter. If he’s truly into you–and I’m praying you know how to tell if that’s the case– he’ll stick around as long as he sees value. And if he does decide to leave because you’re not making it easy on him, all that means is that he wasn’t that into you in the first place (so go ahead and give him a hi-five for not wasting your time any longer).

2. Not setting clear boundaries 

I don’t know what it is about a charming man that causes us to lose our minds, but that’s often what happens. It’s like the moment he says something sweet, we’re putty in his hands (and that’s why more women need to have their fathers involved in their mate selections). We all of a sudden become willing to go along for the ride while he takes the relationship wherever he sees fit. So even though you had no intention of becoming just another girlfriend, that’s exactly what happened. And even though you had no intentions of having sex, that’s exactly what happened.

For fear of coming off as controlling or manipulative, we allow ourselves to become mere passengers in our own relationships, forgetting the fact that we owe it to ourselves to look out for our best interests. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about controlling him. It’s about protecting you, ensuring you don’t open yourself up (literally and figuratively) to someone who does not deserve that privilege.

3. Allowing him to be immature

Ok, so technically you can’t “allow” him to be anything, but you can behave in a way that makes it easy for him to be comfortable in his immaturity. For example, if he is lazy, unreliable and quick to put a bill off on you, you allow it every time you go along with it. Every time you make excuses for him or laugh it off as him just being his “crazy self,” you communicate that you’re fine with this behavior.

If nothing else, a man should be reliable and hardworking. When he doesn’t display these qualities, he might as well be wearing a flashing neon sign that says, “Not ready for marriage!” Few of us realize how driven our male counterparts can be, especially when it comes to us ladies. We get scared that if we hold him accountable, if we expect too much of him, he’ll disappear. When you’re dealing with a high quality man, that’s simply not the case. If he wants you bad enough and realizes just how valuable you are, his need for a good woman will force him to mature.

4. Letting your love be a weakness

We all know how wonderful it feels to be in love, but don’t let your love for a man force  you into staying in a stagnant relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean you should leave, but it does mean you should take a good sober look at where your relationship is and where you want it to be.

Sometimes, “because I love him,” isn’t enough. Sometimes, “because I love him,”  is the exact reason your relationship isn’t progressing. If when you broach the topic of marriage, he is able to distract you with a, “You know I love you, baby. *soft kiss* I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that,” then he’s taking advantage of your weakness. He knows all he has to do is say the right thing, in the right tone of voice, with the right look in his eye and you’re rendered defenseless.

Set your love aside for a second and assess the true value of the relationship. Does it have staying power? Is it healthy? Do the two of you respect each other? Do you consider each other’s feelings? Do you guard each other’s reputations, even when the other is absent? These are attributes of a good relationship. These are the things you should be able to discuss without being sidetracked.

5. Trying to force marriage

Men do not like to feel like they’re being controlled. I repeat, men do not like to feel like they’re being controlled. So if you constantly harp on how much you want him to marry you, he’s likely to rebel just to show that he won’t be forced into anything. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but don’t make it about him. Make it about you. Here’s an example.

What NOT to say: You know, it’s 2013 and you still haven’t proposed. Is it coming any time this year? I just don’t know why you won’t marry me. You act like I’m not a good woman. You act like you don’t even know what a good woman is…

What to say: We just entered a new year and I’ve been doing some serious thinking about my life and where it’s going. I’ve reached a point where marriage has grown in its importance to me, and I’d like to see myself married at some point within the next year(s). I’m not saying this to pressure you, but I do want to check and see if we’re on the same page because this is very important to me.

Do you see the difference? The first one is all about forcing him into marriage. The second focuses on sharing your feelings about your life’s path. It actually has very little to do with him.

Once you’ve fallen into the girlfriend zone, it can be hard to get out. Men get comfortable and aren’t always ready to pick up and move, but they will if they really want you.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Your Stuff: Saving Your Marriage From Your Emotional Issues Pt. 2

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This is part 2 of a 2-part feature on emotional issues. These articles are meant to be a stepping stone to healing, but are by no means a cure-all. It is best to seek professional help to guide you on your journey.

In the first installment, we talked in general terms about becoming aware of emotional issues/themes and how they can negatively affect our thoughts and behaviors. Now it’s time to put a face and name on those themes.

A theme is a unifying or dominant idea, an overarching concept that connects and defines items in a group. In this case, the group is comprised of life events, specifically those that have greatly impacted you and shaped your worldview.

There is no finite list of emotional themes, but there are certain ones that show up frequently. Let’s examine them, shall we?

Common Emotional Themes

  • Abandonment: Perhaps the most talked about of all emotional themes, abandonment is the feeling of being unfairly left behind or discarded. This theme can be rooted in a physical abandonment (an absent parent), but it can also refer to perceived abandonment that may have nothing to do with physical absence. If this is one of your primary themes, you may find that you rush into relationships or expect too much too fast (or just too much in general), which, in turn, may run the person off. Your feeling of abandonment is then intensified and the cycle continues.
  • Loss: Loss may seem very similar to abandonment, but the main difference is that loss doesn’t involve something being withheld intentionally. It comes from complications with dealing with someone or something being taken away unexpectedly (ie death, natural disaster, house fire, etc.). If loss is one of your primary themes, you may have trouble forming secure and comfortable attachments with people because, in the back of your mind, you suspect that they may be taken away too. Others may describe you as “distant,” “aloof” or “detached.” You may find that others doubt your commitment in relationships, which causes them to dissolve. People who have a theme of loss may also have trouble progressing in their careers.
  • Over Responsibility: If this is your theme, you probably feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. People with this theme often come to believe at a young age that the outcomes of those around them are dependent on them. (What a burden!) These people are often quite dependable and can usually be described as “fixers.” In relationships, though, they seem to gravitate towards those who need fixing (people with problems, be they financial, emotional or physical). These relationships can be very taxing because of the fixer’s efforts to fix something that truly is not their issue.
  • Inferiority: This theme presents in a myriad of ways, but it boils down to feeling that you are not as valuable or as deserving as others. People with this theme may give themselves an artificial confidence boost by dating/marrying people they feel are even less deserving than they are. If you feel you have a penchant for absolute losers, inferiority may be your primary theme. This theme can also encourage people to sabotage perfectly healthy relationships because they don’t feel deserving of or comfortable with a good relationship.
  • Violation: To be violated is to be acted up against your will, to have your rights stolen and disrespected. This theme is often found in people who have suffered physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. People dealing with a theme of violation may be easily angered and may also become violators in their own right. (Note: This violation may not always match the type of violation the person experienced at the hands of another.) Control is often a big issue for those with a theme of violation. They may (but not necessarily) find it easiest to regain their control by giving it away before someone else can take it.
  • Injustice/Unfairness: When one feels they’ve been treated unfairly on a grand scale, that feeling of injustice can develop into their primary theme. If you’re dealing with this feeling, you may be hypersensitive to issues of fairness. You may feel like you’re constantly getting “the short end of the stick” and that others aren’t giving you your fair share. Others may find it hard to please you or understand your frustrations with them.
  • Anger: It is important to note that anger is NOT an emotional theme. It is a common emotion that is expressed as a result of the feeling associated with emotional themes. Most often, anger is a cover-up emotion that masks the true, more vulnerable, emotion underneath. For example, when people display anger, they may actually be feeling sadness, anxiety, confusion, shame, etc.

Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and themes can and do overlap, but hopefully this helps to put a face on some of the issues you might not have even known you were dealing with. Whether or not someone can completely eliminate these issues is debatable, but it is possible to get them under control by recognizing and interrupting your disruptive patterns.

Many of us go through life simply reacting, allowing our knee-jerk reactions and emotions to guide our thoughts and behaviors. That’s how these themes thrive and grow. Instead of simply reacting, we should thoughtfully respond. Take a step back and question ourselves about our feelings, particularly those that are very strong. Did a person just make you extremely angry? Did a new guy completely sweep you off your feet? Don’t just go along with it. Pause and ask yourself why you’re so upset, why he seems so wonderful. You may find that the only thing the other person did wrong is inadvertently activate one of your themes. And the guy may be appealing for that same reason.

Confronting emotional themes is definitely easier said than done, but it can be done. It takes patience and a willingness to get really uncomfortable with yourself. Not everyone is ready to take this step. Perhaps you aren’t, but if you are, I pray this information has been useful.

~Nadirah Angail

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