Category Archives: Love Children

Twas the Night Before Eid: A Muslim Children’s Story

Posted on by

6

Image

When I was little, my cousins and I would joke about Eid-i-Claus and how we were going to leave some bean pie and Omar on the Nile (have you heard of that drink?) out for him. Well, I took Eid-i-Claus from our imagination and used him to put a little Muslim flavor on the popular Children’s poem Night Before Christmas. Read it to your youngins. They may get a laugh!

Twas the Night Before Eid

‘Twas the night before Eid, and all through the house,

Not a believer was stirring, not even a mouse.

The bean pie was baked and smelling all good,

In hopes that Eid-i-Claus would roll through our hood.

The children were nestled, all snug in their beds,

While visions of eid gifts danced in their heads.

And mama in her hijab and I in my kufi,

Had just settled down to watch a PBS special on Sufis,

Then, from out on the lawn, we heard such a noise

So I picked up a bat and went to wake my boys.

Over to the window we flew like a flash,

‘Cause it was our holiday and it was NOT about to be crashed.

The crescent moon was a’shining, a sign for all believers.

My youngest son, scared, stood clutching a meat cleaver.

We looked and we looked, until it was all we could handle,

Then, suddenly, from out of nowhere, appeared eight tiny camels!

With a suave and cool driver that we definitely recognized,

So we ran outside and gave him hi-fives.

As he stepped off his flying prayer rug, we gave him applause.

We were no longer fearful. After all, it was Eid-i-Claus!

More rapid than eagles, his camels they came.

And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

“On, Bilal! On, Ali! On, Ibrahim and Riyad!

On, Tarek! On Mikel. On Haleem! and Jihad!

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall!

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”

The children ran into the house to get him a slice of the pie,.

And we could tell that he loved it from the twinkle in his eye.

He ate a whole lot, almost until he was full,

But he left 1/3 space for air, in accordance with the Muslim rule.

Then up to the house top the camels they flew,

With a rug full of toys, and Eid-i-Claus too.

We couldn’t see them anymore, so we went back in,

and waited, eagerly, until we saw Eid-i-Clause again.

We sat quietly in the house and stared at the chimney.

We figured he would come down, all sooty but still friendly.

But, what to our surprise, he came up through the basement.

So we spun around quickly so that we could face him.

We asked him why he hadn’t come as we expected.

He let out a hardy laugh, then spoke in a voice that projected.

He said he heard that some other guy had been using the chimney for over a century,

so he figured he would try something new and different with his entry.

He was dressed in a magnificent jalabia and kufi trimmed with gold.

He said his umi made it for him when he was only three years old.

He had a huge bag that was flung over his back,

When they saw it, the children got so excited they nearly had a heart attack.

Because they knew the big bag was full of goodies and toys,

But they didn’t know that the goodies were for some other girls and boys.

He said, “I’m not here to bring you gifts. That’s what you’re parents do.

I collect gifts for the homeless, so they can celebrate eid too!

So if you have some nice toys that you don’t use anymore,

Just slip them in this bag and I’ll deliver them to the poor.”

He smelled of musk and had teeth that shone so white,

I could tell that he had a mishwak and that he used it every night!

His beard was so thick, but looked soft to the touch.

I use shea butter every night, but mine still won’t grow that much.

He wasn’t chubby or plump, but lean and fit.

In fact, looking at his physique made me jealous a little bit.

But I put jealously out of my mind because I know it’s an ugly sin.

So instead, I just decided to renew my membership to the gym.

He looked at all the toys, and from them selected the best.

Then prayed two sunnah rakas on his rug before he left.

Then he turned to my children and thanked them for their kindness.

He told them he loved their spirit and felt they were some of the finest.

He turned to my wife and gave the humble greeting.

Then, last, gave me a hug, and grabbed more pie before leaving.

We watched as he boarded his rug, and put the bag on the back.

Then he whistled for his camels and they came running in no time flat.

They took off into the air and began to glide away.

The children were left sad because they wanted him to stay.

Then I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“EID MUBARAK TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT.”

Note: This story is just for fun. I’m not suggesting that you tell your children there is a Eid-i-Claus or that camels can fly:)

~Nadirah Angail

-Like me on Facebook

-Follow me on Twitter

-Check out my published works

On Gabby Douglas, Dominique Dawes and Brown Girls Everywhere

Posted on by

2

image credit: eurweb.com

I can do a cartwheel. That’s about it, but that didn’t stop me from falling in love with then-teen gymnast Dominique Dawes. Not only was she beautiful and amazingly talented, but she was brown, and that means something to a brown girl who struggles to find her own reflection in the world. So, even though I wasn’t very athletic, I tuned in every chance I could to see my girl Dominique (and Surya Bonaly. She got BUSY on the ice!)

These two amazing young women reinforced what my mother had already taught me, that brown girls are just as capable as anyone else (and that anyone who dared say otherwise is crazy). That’s a powerful statement, an empowering statement, an absolutely-necessary-and-too-rarely-heard statement. That’s why Gabby Douglas is so important. She’s introducing a world of possibilities to another generation of impressionable brown girls who, as we speak, are being swayed by the misleading allure of Basketball Wives and low class hip hop videos. Regardless of if she realizes it or not, she is telling other young girls that they can literally run, leap, flip and soar to success as long as they are dedicated enough to make it happen.

And that’s the most important part: dedication. It’s one thing to tell a girl she can be the president or anything else she wants to be, but we have to instill in our beautiful babies more than just dreams, but also an unbreakable work ethic that equips them with what it takes to keep striving consistently.

Gabby might make it look easy, but she struggled like everyone else. No one walked up to her and said, “Young lady, why don’t you come and participate in the 2012 Olympics? We’ve been holding a spot just for you!” She worked to get there, even though it meant leaving her family and going to another state to have access to the best trainer.

It would have been much easier for Douglas to say all that was too hard, that she just wasn’t ready, that she just couldn’t make that type of sacrifice, but her dedication pushed her through– through all of the endless workouts, all the sore muscles, all the homesickness, all the self doubt. And look where it got her, an inspiration indeed!

And so I get insanely frustrated with ignorant people who, despite her amazing accomplishments, focus on something as inconsequential as her hair or her dancing abilities. Reality check: While you were busy sending hateful tweets and status updates, she was relaxing, probably shining her medals and using a big, fat Sharpie to cross “go HAM on 2012 Olympics” off her to-do list. And after that, I bet she ate GOOD, took a long nap, and then got up to get ready to tackle yet another seemingly impossible challenge.

~Nadirah Angail

-Like me on Facebook

-Follow me on Twitter

-Check out my published works

On Explaining Absent Parents to Young Children| 8 Dos and Don’ts

Posted on by

5

photo credit: Ambro

It’s hard work being a parent—even with a supportive co-parent. And without one, it kind of feels like Mission Impossible, except it’s not impossible. All over the country, millions of parents are doing their best to fill two pairs of shoes and to field the questions of inquisitive children who want to know where their other parent is.

Sometimes, parents die. That’s a special situation, but other times they simply choose not to be active in their children’s lives. Out of immaturity, irresponsibility, emotional hang-ups, addictive lifestyles, or plain old spite for you, some parents just don’t do their jobs, and it’s infuriating. Enough to make you want to cry. Enough to induce one of those old school temper tantrums, like falling-on-the-floor-kicking-and-screaming-until-a-big-snot-bubble-forms-on-your-nose kind of temper tantrum.  But I don’t even have to tell you. You already know the feeling.

And to make things worse, here comes your beautiful, innocent little child, looking for answers. He wants to know why other kids have two parents while he only has one. He wants to know where his father is and why he isn’t around. These questions cut like a dagger to the heart, and if not handled correctly, they can cause a lot more emotional strife—for you and your child.  But fear not. Follow these guidelines to make the best out of such a difficult situation.

DO NOT speak poorly of the parent in front of the child

Chances are, you child knows nothing about DNA, chromosomes and fertilized eggs. She doesn’t know the technical explanation of how she came to be, but she does know she’s half you and half him. That’s just something they can feel, and so regardless of if children actually know their other parent, they still identify with them. For that reason, you have to bite your tongue. If she hears you talk about how worthless her father is, she can’t help but to conclude that part of her is worthless too.

DO be as honest as is appropriate for your child’s age

There’s no need to create fairy tale stories that cast the parent in a positive but completely unrealistic light (i.e. “Your father is a superhero who saves people all across the world”). You can be honest without going into unnecessary detail. If your child asks where the parent is, it’s ok to tell them you don’t know or to tell them where the parent is. Just reinforce that the parent does love them. Try to be as upbeat and matter-of-fact as possible. If your child sees that you get upset every time they broach the subject, they won’t do it anymore. Then they’ll be left to draw their own conclusions about why the parent left. More often than not, they will conclude that it is their own fault. Don’t know what to say? Try something like, “I’m not sure where he is, but I know he loves you a lot. Hopefully he’ll be able to tell you that in person one day.”

DO NOT hold your child emotionally hostage

We’re meant to connect. We’re hardwired that way, and if we don’t have the proper people around to make those connections with, it is easy to make improper ones with our children, particularly our opposite-sex children. I get concerned when I hear mothers jokingly saying things like, “I don’t need a man. I’ve already got my little man right here.” Your child is not a surrogate partner. He isn’t there to “fill you up” or make you happy (though children do make us parents quite happy). That’s a lot on a little guy to be emotionally responsible for his parent, to feel like he has to make her happy because no one else is there to do it. You are the adult, the responsible party, not him. Genuine happiness comes from within. You need to be able to create and maintain your own happiness so your child is free to do the same.

If you’re having a particularly hard day, don’t make your child feel guilty by saying things like, “It’s just you and me. You’re all mama has.” That puts the weight of the world on their little shoulders. If they notice you are sad and ask why, give an answer that allows them to stay in a child’s role. Say something like, “I’m just having a frustrating day. That happens sometimes, but it’s okay. I just need to relax a little and I’ll be good as new!” Even if that’s not 100% true, you should still get the message across that “mommy is going to be okay and this isn’t your problem to fix.” One day in the distant future, your child will need to detach and form his own family. Children who have been held emotionally hostage have a challenging time doing that.

DO give your child the space to express his feelings, good or bad

If children (and people in general) aren’t able to express themselves constructively, they most certainly will do it destructively. Of course you want the former. In an attempt to protect our children from sadness, anger and disappointment, we sometimes find it easier and less awkward to avoid the topic all together. That only makes it easier for you, not the child. Take advantage of natural opportunities to talk to your child about how they feel about the missing parent. If he says something like, “Jimmy’s dad came to school today and talked to the class. It was cool,” use that as a way in. Say something like, “Oh, really? That is cool. Does it bother you that your dad isn’t here to do things like that?” When your child sees that you’re comfortable talking about it, they will be more likely to bring it up on their own whenever they feel the need.

DO NOT discourage or be offended by your child’s loyalty to the other parent

You changed all the diapers. You buy all the food. You wipe all the tears. Yet and still, she loves HIM. What’s up with that? Human nature is what’s up with that. The bond between parent and child is amazingly strong and can’t be quantified or even fully explained, so the lack of physical presence doesn’t erase the connection.

Don’t take it personally if your upset child says something like, “I don’t love you! I love daddy!” They don’t mean it. That’s just their way of protecting that connection. Don’t get baited into an emotionally charged, “Well, your ignorant daddy is nowhere to be found,” kind of response. Stay calm and say, “Well, I still love you, and I’m glad you love your daddy.” Then go in your room and have a good cry if need be.

You also shouldn’t be offended if your child tells their friends that the new shoes you worked overtime to pay for are a gift from the other parent. Again, that’s their way of holding tight to that connection. Just let them know it isn’t good to lie, and don’t waste your time worrying about where Billy from across the street thinks your child’s shoes came from.

DO use family and friends as a support system

The other parent may be absent, but good friends and family are always willing to be there for you. They love you, so they will be willing to help out in any way they can. No one wants to feel like a charity case, but don’t turn down the help of those who offer with a sincere heart. (Note: Do beware of people who have ulterior motives and only offer help as an excuse to get in your business.)

Happy children have happy parents, and happy parents use all the resources at their disposal. Upset because your child’s father said he’d do something and didn’t come through—again? Don’t tell your child how mad you are. Tell your family or friends. Vent to them all you want, knowing that the things you say won’t be hurting your child’s sense of self.

DO NOT try to overcompensate for the absent parent

It hurts us to see our children sad. We want their childhoods to be full of laughter and smiles, not tears and disappointment. The undeniable truth, though, is that tears and disappointment are a part of life. They make us stronger, teach us life lessons, and add to our wisdom, so don’t allow yourself to become the super lax parent who only wants to be a friend. Rules and consequences are an integral part of raising well-adjusted, responsible children. No one wants to end up with a brat who cannot handle disappointment and thinks the world revolves around him. That’s not even cute at 5, and it sure ain’t cute at 18! Be stern with your children. They will thank you later.

DO examine your relationship history

This doesn’t relate directly to your children, but it will affect your ability to pick a good mate in the future. They say hindsight is 20/20, so things probably look so much clearer now than they did when you were in the relationship. Did you take the time to get to know the person well enough before you had a child with them? Did you ignore signs that suggested this wasn’t a good person to have a baby with? Do you have a pattern of getting into relationships with the same type of people? Answering these questions can help prevent you from repeating history in your next relationship.

~Nadirah Angail

-Like me on Facebook

-Follow me on Twitter

-Check out my published works

On Raising Abstinent Children | 4 Steps to Make Waiting Realistic

Posted on by

3

Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono

Abstinence seems to be one of those topics everyone has a definite opinion on. To this day, I have yet to find anyone who has been on the fence. It’s always “Wait until you’re married,” or “You don’t have to wait til marriage, but you better use a condom!” Regardless of which of these statements rings true, we can all agree that they’re both better than not saying anything, can’t we? (Waiting for you to nod your head.)

Yes, I know this is the new millennium and we have a black, Al Green-singing president, but there are still those who believe in good old fashioned abstinence. In fact, there are a lot more than you would guess, but many shy away from taking that route for fear of setting their children up for failure.

You’ve heard the argument: Abstinence doesn’t work.  ”While you’re out here selling abstinence and promise rings, kids are busy getting pregnant and contracting diseases.”  That’s what many say–and there is some definite truth to that statement–but that doesn’t make the message of abstinence ineffective. It makes the delivery method ineffective. And that’s why I’m here, to offer a method that goes far beyond repeating “Wait til you get married!”

1.) Make it seem realistic- Talk about setting your kids up for failure. Many parents do just that by saying things like, “Well, you know you should wait until you’re married, but that isn’t exactly realistic, so I just want you to be smart and make good decisions.” You might as well say, “Abstinence sounds cool, but ain’t nobody doing that mess. You feel me!” (High-fives exchanged.) Ok, so you probably wouldn’t high-five, but you get my point.

Your children need to know that, regardless of what everyone else is saying and doing, they CAN abstain, and it doesn’t even have to be that hard. If you waited, share that with them. Even if you didn’t, let them know that there are many people who are. Don’t focus on how hard it is (because that sets it up in there mind as unrealistic). Instead, focus on how doable it is.

2.) Monitor their exposure- These days, sexual images are everywhere (and I mean everywhere). It makes it hard for you to talk to your children about abstinence when everything else around them is pushing “sex, sex, sex!” Turn the TV off, turn the radio off, and be aware of who is around your children and what they’re talking about. Of course, you can’t raise your children in a bubble. They’re going to be exposed to and influenced by others, but you have to do your best to control the images and ideas they get about sex because they will definitely influence future behavior.

3.) Don’t make sex the enemy- Sometimes, in an attempt to steer their children away from premarital sex, parents make it seem like it is the worst things on earth. (“Sex is a big sin you will be punished for… PUNISHED, I say! PUNISHED!”) This will only do one of two things:

-create an unhealthy complex about sex that can last well into their adult, married life

-make them uncomfortable about topic, which means they won’t talk to you about it at all.

Give them the real deal. Let them know sex is wonderful, but that it is a big responsibility that should only be done under certain circumstances. The more comfortable you are talking about it, the more comfortable they will be coming to you with any questions they may have (and that’s what we want, isn’t it? For our kids to come to us about sex instead of the girl that sits next to them in math class.)

4.) Give them the HOW- This is a biggie. If you do all the other steps wonderfully but skip this one, you probably won’t be successful. Saying “don’t have sex” does not teach them how not to. If you are serious about what you’re saying, you will have to let them know how to behave. No, they can’t listen to the same songs as everyone else. No, they can’t watch the same movies and shows as everyone else. No, they can’t date. (Yea, I said it.) A main reason this approach doesn’t work is because even though the message is being sent, the children (teens) are still allowed to engage in behaviors that encourage sexual activity. You can’t tell your son, “Sure, you can kiss that girl, but that’s it. Don’t you do a thing else, and I mean it!”  Come on, now. Who ever stopped at just kissing, and if you did, how easy was it? Let’s be real. Kissing ain’t nothing but foreplay.

I am a firm believer in the necessity of balance, so I wouldn’t be here suggesting you tell your kids no to so many things without suggesting you say yes to something else. People thrive best when they have options, so that’s what I’m about. While I won’t allow my children to listen to most music or watch most shows, I will go out of my way to find music and shows that I feel are appropriate.  While I won’t let them date, I will make sure they are able to socially engage other people in their age group, both male and female. I would hate for them to grow up feeling deprived. Those are often the feelings of sheltered kids who hit college and go crazy. I’d rather they grow up feeling informed and guided.

~Nadirah Angail

-Like me on Facebook!

-Check out my published works!

On What They Should Know: A Message to Young Boys

Posted on by

2

*This is the fourth and final installment in the What They Should Know series.  Click here to read the third installment.*

image credit: hinnamsaisuyBoys, boys, boys,

You little guys sure do keep us parents on our toes. You’ve got the type of energy companies wish they could bottle and sell. Shoot, I wish I could bottle and sell it! That would be a money maker for sure.

I have to apologize for some of the things you’ve been told.  You’ve probably already heard the sayings, ” Stop crying. Be a man” and “Stop being a girl.” They give the impression that in order to be accepted and liked, in order to be a real man, you have to be hard and without emotion, and  you absolutely CANNOT–under any circumstances– be a girl (i.e. weak).

Well, take it from me, girls are not weak and neither are you. It is literally in your DNA to be strong. That’s not a metaphor. I’m being serious here. I’m talking straight up fact. As you get older and develop, you’ll see just what I mean, but for now you’ll just have to trust me.

The common representation of masculinity (look it up if you don’t understand that word) is all wrong. It focuses on the look of manliness. It tells you to be big, bad and rough, just to make sure there’s no confusion. That’s not what it means to be a man. Real men don’t use their strength to hurt others; they use it to protect. And real men understand that taking the time to build their mental muscles is just as important as building their physical ones.

Your going to come across a lot of ideas in your life, and many of them will be silly, dangerous and flat-out wrong. You’ll need to be intelligent enough to avoid those. So many young boys get off to a bad start because they follow in the footsteps of men who never fully developed. Sure, they may look like adults, but on the inside they’re no wiser than you. Is that what you want, to grow up and still have the mind of a child? Of course you don’t, and you won’t. You know better.

There may be some boys at your school who say doing your work and being smart isn’t cool. Those boys are wrong. Like, really, really wrong. If I had to take a guess, I’d say those boys don’t feel smart themselves, and so they’re trying to make you feel as badly as they do. Don’t fall for it, because in the real world, the so-called nerds are the ones making all the moves (and money).

So keep getting  (or start getting) those A’s and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for it. The future adult in you will thank you for it later. But for now, you’re a little boy. You probably like worms and race cars, and you might think girls are a little… weird. That’s fine, as long as you know they’re not weak, and neither are you.

~Nadirah Angail

-Like me on Facebook!

-Check out my published works!