It’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. It’s just not. But, who am I telling? You already know that, I’m sure. If you’ve been married more than 10 day, you’ve already experienced that. I’m sure. Marriage is work, so much work that sometimes it seems it would be better to just quit. That’s the quickest and easiest option, but is it the best? According to an article entitled Marriage Crossroads: Why Divorce Is Often Not the Best Option, anywhere from 1/3 to 2/3 of divorced couples (depending on circumstances and location) regret ending their marriages (Barlow, 2003). Considering this information, it may just be better to learn how to happily be unhappy.
I know what it sounds like. I know the phrase itself makes you uneasy. It should because, at first glance, it sounds like I’m saying, “Stay in your marriage no matter how unhappy you are, just to preserve the marriage.” I assure you, that is not the message I intend to send. Though I do consider myself a marriage advocate, I do not support maintaining dysfunction simply to preserve the family. I’m more about ending the dysfunction to reinstate the happiness (and preserve the family).
A wonderful friend of mine (check out her site) told me her mother once said, “Sometimes, you have to learn how to be divorced within your marriage.” My own mother has made similar statements. Thank God for the sage wisdom of mothers, because they really have a good point here. Again, this isn’t about accepting the unhappiness and letting it grow and fester. It’s about understanding the pendulum of marriage health. The condition of a marriage is not static. It changes, swinging back and forth between elation and extreme frustration. This is no different than the many other challenging duties we accept as part of our lives. For example, even the most successful entrepreneurs have days—or months even—where they’d rather just throw in the towel. And even the most doting parents reach that “I’m about to go crazy” point now and again. As my favorite lion king, Mufasa, pointed out, “It’s all a part of the circle of life.”
So, where does that leave unhappily married couples who can’t even stand to be around each other? It leaves them in great company. Practically all couples go through rough patches where they seriously rethink the day they said, “I do.” But, that doesn’t mean they should call it quits. Sure, divorce is warranted at times—certain things just aren’t worth saving—but many, many, many marriages are. Have you ever been so angry about something, only to look back on it later and laugh at how big of a deal it seemed at the time? Couples who “stick it out” can often relate to this feeling. They may not be laughing at the situation, but they’re grateful they didn’t draw up any paperwork.
The book The Case For Marriage reports that “77 percent of the stably married people who rated their marriage as very unhappy (a one on a scale of one to seven) in the late eighties said that the same marriage was either ‘very happy’ or ‘quite happy’ five years later” (Waite and Gallagher, p. 148-149, 2000). If a couple who rated their marriage a 1 out of 7 can turn things around, so can you. The question isn’t, “Is it possible?” The question is, “How?”
Steps to Rebuilding Happiness in Your Marriage
1.) Don’t freak out or draw conclusions. Things aren’t going well now, but it’s not necessarily the end of the world. If your spouse isn’t severely mentally ill, abusive, a drug addict, harmful to the children, a serial cheater, a serial killer, or just a plain old heartless monster, the odds are already in your favor!
2.) Make a commitment to get through this hump. When couples make it to the other side of unhappiness, it’s because they made it a point to do so. Things won’t just magically get better. It’ll take time. Give the marriage that time.
3.) Change your behavior. Before you present your list of complaints about what the other is doing wrong, make a list of the things you can improve and start improving them. You’d be surprised at how big of a difference you’ll notice in the other person after you decide to change yourself.
4.) Get your argument tactics together. Some of the sweetest, coolest people think it’s okay to fly off the handle when they’re in a fight. Just because you’re mad doesn’t mean you can say and do anything you want. Consider what John Gottman calls the Headless Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. (Find out more about these here.)
5.) Celebrate the positive changes, regardless of how small they may be. The change won’t be overnight, but you should notice things slowly getting better. Even if it’s something teeny weeny, it’s a step in the right direction. Don’t ignore it.
Resources
Barlow, B. (2003). Marriage crossroads: why divorce is not the best option . Provo, UT: Brigham Young University.
Waite, L. and Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier, and better off financially. New York, NY: Doubleday.
~Nadirah Angail
Interesting article! I agree that there is a “happiness spectrum”, if you will, in a marriage. Sometimes you hang-out at 1 (unhappy) other times you hang out at 10 (Uber happy). It’s easy when it’s a 10, but sometimes you have to be willing to hang-out through the “1″ times to get to the “10′s”. . I can dig it.
VERY, VERY, INFORMATIVE! MADE SOME GREAT POINTS, SOME I PLAN ON USING IN MY OWN MARRIAGE. THANKS FOR THE GREAT INSIGHTS
SHADEERAH
Believer know that divorce causes Allah’s throne to shake. However, in many instances ending a marriage is preferred to remaining in a relationship that is unbalanced, destructive and one where one or both parties are just plain miserable (aka unhappy). Working together to resolve conflicts is beneficial. Rising above one’s personal narcissism, preferences and moods is required for any relationship to work, especially marriage. Coming to terms with the fact that your spouse is not and never will be Halle Berry or Denzel = good advice. Realizing and coming to terms that your partner has certain habits that may never change (talking loud, being untidy or forgetful) is important for your marriage’s success. Learning to be “happily unhappy” — I don’t think so. Give the average person about 2 – 3 years and that mindset can possibly lead to depression, a serious argument or possibly the beginning idaat. Don’t most of us already have enough problems or conflicts with the greater society that we are already trying to manage, deal with or even change without someone telling us to be happily unhappy. It’s one thing to offer problem solving techniques or tips for keeping a loving relationship. It’s another thing to advise someone to deny what makes them unhappy is tolerable.
But Allah did not put any of us on this Earth to be miserable, and it appears that far too many Muslim women assume the responsibility for “sucking it up”, “being patient” and embracing whatever tolerance in some of the most dysfunctional households.
Umm Hussain,
Thanks for commenting. Sounds like you’re taking the title literally. I purposefully make my titles like that to grab people’s attention, hoping they’ll say “what is this woman talking about?” and then read it. I included the following part to make sure no one got the impression that it seems you have gotten:
Sorry if you got the wrong idea, but I’m not telling anyone to just “suck it up” or merely “be patient.” Sure, people have tons of other problems to deal with in greater society, but ending a marriage that didn’t absolutely have to be ended isn’t going to make those problems any easier. My point here is to let people know that just because they’re having a hard time doesn’t mean they have to end it. I acknowledge that divorce is, at times, the answer. I say that in the article as well, but I don’t think it is always the answer. If i get a divorce, I want to be sure that we did everything possible to save it. Not everyone is doing that. A lot of people just give up because its hard or because it’s not going how they expected. Many things in life are hard and not what people expected. That doesn’t mean you should quit.
Thsnks for your clarification. Learning to put your marriage ahead of yourself is paramount, especially for newlyweds, not very long marrieds and folks who are wondering if Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married was actually written about them. But far too often women assume too much responsibility in making a marriage work. After more than half my life in this deen, I have yet to see a balanced give and take where both husbands and wives give 100% each. Sadly, often one person has to realize that the other party is not going to do that. That is when learning to be happily unhappy will not work. One way to certain resolve a lot of fitna is premarital counseling. Despite my differing opinion with you, I appreciate the good work, making us all think, respond with respect and trying to do the right thing.
salam Wa Alaikum! jazakh Allah khair for the email….haha…Insha’Allah you are well and your family is well. I liked your fb page, and I sent a message to all my friends about you and your contest…My sister “liked” your fb page…yay!!! You are a wonderful writer masha’Allah, and I can’t wait to read your books!!!
ok so now I’m going to comment on your “happily being unhappy married.” Masha’Allah you are amazing…The first few sentences sounded just like my marriage. I was married last year, it lasted 6 months (3 of which I was serverly sick from being pregnant). After we lost the baby, I began to get well and went back to work slowly. We moved into a new apartment 2 bedrooms, which was great because I have a daughter from a previous relationship frome before I accepted Islam. 4 days after we moved in, my husband divorced me. Earlier that day we had gotten into an argument, a silly argument…He came home from school/work, and he divorced me. i was devastated, still am actually. Our marriage could have been salvaged, repaired. We both needed adjustments, and to change some of our habits and the way we did things…we were from two different cultures…he was raised muslim in a culture where he is waited on hand and foot, and I was raised by my mother and took care of myself basically. I needed to not be so independent and rely on him to make decisions and not be “the man” in the marriage as he put it….oh well, alhumdulillah….I miss him, and wish we could go back and fix things, but its in Allah’s hands…
sorry about running on…I really just wanted to say I love reading your blogs and your thoughts…jazakh Allah khair for what you do…
Khadija, thanks for sharing your experience. So sorry it didn’t work out. What’s done is done, but hopefully the two of you learned something helpful that will be an asset in your future relationships. So glad you like my articles. I love to hear that!
ASA,
Thank you for sharing your experience. Did you and your former husband explore counseling? Did you go through an idaat?
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