Monthly Archives: January 2011

On the Fluxuating Identities of New Wives

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Do men have this issue too, or is it just a girl thing? We spend the first 20-something years of our lives beautifully crafting our identities and deciding what kind of people we want to be. Then, along comes this ring-wielding man, trying to mess with our equilibrium. How rude! No, it’s not their fault, really. They don’t mean any harm, bless their little hearts. But something definitely changes once we get married.

I guess it has something to do with all the hidden text and implication behind the word “wife.” The mere thought of it conjures up vivid images of untouchable superwomen we never seem to be able to measure up to. Whether it’s the neatly-aproned June Cleaver or the oh-so-witty-and-intelligent Claire Huxtable, these classic mother icons, sweet as they are, have given the idea that wives are supposed to be perfect, forever happy. Husbands, it seems, are expected to get it wrong at times. As long as they get up and go to work in the morning, everything else is OK. You let the kids eat chocolate cake for breakfast? It’s OK, you’re a husband. You sent the kids to school without their backpacks (which contain their permission slips for their field trip this afternoon)? It’s OK, you’re a husband. And your wife will most likely make time in her schedule to go drop it off anyway. No worries. Husbands are afforded the type of breathing room many wives are deficient in.

Not to oversimplify the lives of married men, because they have their own struggles we woman can’t relate to, but there is definitely a distinct difference in expectation. For example, when it comes to taking care of his family, men have options. They can decide to be active members in the family (and get wild applause for doing so) or they can run off and leave their wives and children to fend for themselves (in which case many of us just shrug our shoulders and write him off as being a “typical man”). Women don’t have this option. We are expected to accept the pressures and responsibilities of family life with a big smile–forced or genuine. When a woman does buckle under the pressure and desert her family, it’s front-page news and she’s vilified as the evilest, craziest thing around.

Don’t misunderstand. I’m not suggesting it should be more acceptable for women to leave their families (I don’t think that should be acceptable for anyone), but I am suggesting that married women and mothers should be allowed to experience the full spectrum of human emotion without judgement. This includes anger, sadness, frustration and even rage. When we’re expected to be continuously happy, calm and easy going, it puts us in an unnatural and unhealthy position that forces us to deny the ailing parts of ourselves that need expression and recognition, too.

Perhaps this explains why women in general, married or not, are nearly twice as likely to experience depression. Of the 19 million Americans that experience depressive symptoms yearly, 12 million of them are women. Statistically, between 10 and 25 percent of American women will experience clinical depression at some point in their lives. And while marriage is a protective factor against depression, numbers are highest in those between the ages of 25 and 44, the age range during which many women are starting and establishing their family lives (National Institute of Mental Health).

Along with marriage, another protective factor is intact support systems. This doesn’t just mean having someone to hang out with on Saturday nights. It means having someone (or a group of someones) with whom you can truly emote, someone that won’t expect you to just grin and bare it , someone that won’t look at you strangely because you’ve discovered that having your own family is tough work. This is the type of support many women ache for. We want to talk to our family and friends about our hardships, but don’t for fear of judgement and disregard. So, instead, we keep it in, paint over it with a thin veneer or feigned happiness. On the outside, everything appears to be fine, but inside we’re suffocating, unable to be that which we truly are. It’s hard enough taking care of yourself. Adding in another adult and a few kids doesn’t make it any easier. This life is amazing and mundane and beautiful and ugly all at the same time. We need to be able to acknowledge that, and we need others not to look down on us for doing so.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Empty Savings Accounts and Modern-day Slaves

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I was at the mall this past Saturday with a friend. I hadn’t been there in months, and I was genuinely amazed at how packed it was; I practically had to park at the grocery store across the street. “It’s mid January,” I thought to myself. “Black Friday and the Christmas rush are over. What could have this many people out shopping?” I love to ask myself questions I already know the answer to.

There was nothing new driving  people to the mall. It was that same old “gotta have it because going without it would be criminal and downright un-American” mindset. From a young age, we learn to want everything and to spend whatever necessary to get it. After all, we’re good people. We deserve to be happy, and everyone knows happiness = lots and lots of stuff. And so our debts rise, our bank balances fall, and our self images stay wrapped up in all this stuff.

There is nothing wrong with wanting nice things, but are they so important that we’re willing to jeopardize our financial futures? Another question I already know the answer to. According to the Federal Reserve, the average American has nearly $16,000 in credit card debt and saves at a negative rate. Quite literally, living beyond our means has become the American way. As rich as we all like to look like we are, this behavior and way of thinking is keeping us poor. You wouldn’t know it from all the designer handbags, red-bottom stilettos, and luxury cars, but we’re drowning under our need to look the part. The more we spend on looking cute and living the “good life,” the less we’re putting away for later. Our children are learning that it’s perfectly normal to spend everything they have (and then some)  on things that aren’t even necessities. No money for the future? No problem. That’s what all these nice credit card companies are for. They’re here to help us by lending us all their wonderful money. And all we have to do is spend the rest of our lives paying them back 2-3 times the amount we borrowed. Cool, right?

The days of chain-and-whip slavery are over, but financial slavery is alive and well, and its effects are just as bad. Generation after generation is living hand to mouth, with no wealth or land to call their own. The tiny sliver of the population that controls majority of the money and influence is able to live that way because of our ignorance. While we–the gullible masses–are out spending on over-priced items that begin to depreciate the second we take ownership of them, they are off doubling and tripling their money, ensuring that their offspring will never have to live the financially enslaved lives that many of us do. If you want to get your children a real birthday/Christmas/Eid/”just because” gift, open a savings account in their name and teach them about the importance of spending wisely. Don’t pass on the poor mindset we inherited.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Letters From A Jilted Green Smoothie

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Heartbroken SmoothieI ran out of green smoothie ingredients. It took me a while to get some more. After about a week went by, I found this letter tacked on my blender.

Dear Nad,

It’s been 7 days since we last hooked up, or is it 8? I stopped keeping track a while back. Too painful. I guess I should have listened to my smoothie friends. “Stay away from those humans,” they warned. “They’ll use and abuse you.” Had I only listened, I would not be sitting here now in such a sad state, thinking back on fond memories of last week. Did I do some wrong? Did my greens get slimy? Was my fruit too bitter? Maybe my reading was off, but you seemed to like me a lot. You even introduced me to your daughter. That was a big step… or so I thought.

I thought you were different. I thought you enjoyed my nutritious veggies and delectable fruits. I thought you loved the energy boosts, the glowing skin and the plethora of vitamins that your average American pals aren’t getting from their Wendy’s frosties and 7/11 slurpees. Guess I thought wrong. You’re probably off drinking one of those poisonous Cokes right now. You know that stuff can clean the corrosion off a car battery, but you don’t care. You’re probably addicted to that fizz! You fizz junkie!! Ick, you disgust me! What is it with you fleshy types? You don’t know a good thing when it’s staring you in the face?

Wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. That was the hurt talking. You don’t disgust me. Despite your abandonment, I still want to be with you. I still want to fortify you with Vitamins A, C, the whole B spectrum, E and K, all necessary for optimal mental and physical health. I still want to load you up with calcium, copper, iron, magnesium, potassium, zinc, and all the other precious minerals I offer. I still want to fight high blood pressure and heart disease while promoting brain, bone and eye health. Please, baby, baby, please. I’m begging you. Take me back. I promise you won’t regret it.

Sincerely,

Heartbroken Smoothie

~Nadirah Angail

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On 20 Signs That They’re Just Not That Into You

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Tons of people have seen the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, and tons more have read the book. Still, there seems to be a good number of people who just aren’t getting the message. I’m all about progress and forward movement. For some people, that movement cannot–I repeat, CANNOT– occur until they realize a few things. So, here I am to help with those realizations.

If your significant other…

  • seems less interested in you than you are in them
  • avoids questions about the future of your relationship
  • is very flirty with other people and has no problem doing it in your face
  • doesn’t make time for you and always claims they’re “too busy”
  • only calls you late at night
  • has no interest in getting to know your family, despite the fact that you’ve let them know how important it is to you
  • can’t seem to keep their phone number out of the hands of other women/men
  • gives you the feelings that you’re just one on a list of many
  • ignores your calls
  • seems moody and only wants to be around you when it suits them
  • gives you the feeling that you’re being used
  • tries to hit on your friends
  • makes no effort to be nice to your friends
  • makes only minimal effort to be nice to you
  • would burst into laughter if you said you wanted to be celibate
  • doesn’t make you feel wanted, appreciated
  • makes you feel like a burden
  • isn’t there when you really need them
  • doesn’t introduce you to his friends and family
  • doesn’t make it crystal clear just how much you mean to them

…then they’re just not that into you. Sorry to say it, but you should leave this person alone and let them go on their merry way. If you found yourself shaking your head in agreement with many of the things on this list, you should reevaluate your relationship to see if its truly benefiting your life.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Surviving the Mean Time

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You know how it goes: You make plans for how you think things are going to go, you get really excited because you actually think it’s going to go that way, you start working on making it go that way, then you get discouraged when it does not go that way. I’m pretty sure I just described some aspect of your life. Maybe it’s your relationship, finances, career, family or some other personal issue, but you have to be able to relate at least a teeny weeny bit. I know this is part of your reality because there seems to be a built-in human tendency to lose our motivation quickly. What’s up with that? It’s like we have all the energy, passion and drive in the world until things get rough. Then, all of a sudden, we’re giving up left and right. How uncool.

Anything worth having is worth working for. You’ve heard that before and have probably said it to someone else in a pep talk or two, but have you really taken it to heart? Have you said it to yourself? There are so many things we fail at only because we stopped putting forth effort just at the time it was needed most. That’s ugly failure and it’s unacceptable. Well, it should be unacceptable, and maybe it is in a perfect world, but in our world, we’ve accepted it. We’ve allowed ourselves to believe the pitiful excuses that chop our legs right out from beneath us.

“I tried to lose this weight, but I’m just so busy.”

“I tried to open that business, but no one would invest.”

“I tried to save that money, but I have too many expenses.”

What excuses have you made? I’ll let you fill in the blank this time. I tried to_________, but________. Now that we’ve gotten our excuses out there, let’s look at them. Did you really try that hard, or did you just give up because it was hard? I know my answer. I bet you could guess. I’ve wasted so many opportunities to succeed at various things because I allowed myself to create and believe excuses. Shame on me. Shame, I say.

It would be a different case if I had failed honorably. Honorable failure–the kind where you genuinely give it everything you have, but God still steers you in another direction–is cool. It’s the new black. It’s cooler than skinny jeans. Why? Because of the priceless lessons you get out of it. When you fail at something honorably, you get to see how strong you are, how much wherewithal you have, and what not to do next time. These are all precious gems that ugly failure does not offer. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the former let their failures inspire them while the latter let their failures stop them. We must all abandon the latter group.

While success is always the long-term goal, the immediate goal should be… (drum roll, please)… consistency. This is the stuff your dreams are made off. Consistency isn’t glamorous or cute. In fact, it’s pretty low key. It’s nothing more than a stubborn dedication to keep going, period. Regardless of how hard it gets, regardless of how unmotivated you may be feeling in the moment, regardless of everything that threatens your willingness to continue, consistency makes you keep going. It doesn’t worry if you don’t see the results immediately. It doesn’t worry if it’s taking longer than you anticipated. It just keeps stepping, knowing that, no matter how small the steps may be, they’re still moving you closer to the grand prize you seek.

~Nadirah Angail

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