Monthly Archives: August 2009

Hanna Montana/Miley Cyrus Will Not Be in This Home

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It is hard to turn on the TV or go to the store and not see some type of Hanna Montana paraphernalia. Other than the Disney Channel show, there are posters, shoes, clothes, dolls, purses, lunch boxes, you name it. Now, I don’t have a problem with Hanna. I actually think she has a great voice, but when my daughter gets older and starts to take interest in those sorts of things, it won’t be Hanna Montana. 

It’s not because of that over-18 boyfriend she’s got (or had, I don’t really follow much what she’s up to) or those in-her-undies photos that surfaced on the web. It’s because she’s white. Before you get upset and write me off as a racist, hear me out. There’s nothing wrong with white people, but my daughter is brown, and as a good mother, it’s my duty to surround her with self-affirming images that would never make her question her worth and beauty.

It would be a different issue if it was just Hanna Montana, but its not. It’s practically every girl on Disney channel (and Nickelodeon, and Noggin). It’s majority of the dolls at the store. It’s most of the faces in the magazines. It’s many of the illustrations in library books. I can’t allow this society to saddle my daughter with all these images that look nothing like her and think it won’t have an affect. I’ve seen too many beautiful little brown girls wish away their brownness. That’s more brown confidence shot to the ether.

I remember my mother searching through the library books to make sure they had enough brown faces in them. I remember her buying me brown dolls and refusing to let me “perm” my hair (no matter how much I begged). I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was arming me with tools I needed to form a healthy, solid sense of self worth and acceptance.

This wouldn’t be an issue if we lived in a world that loved everyone equally, but we don’t. Our world is one that has infected the black community–and other communities as well–with the diseased notions of “good-hair” and the “paper bag test.” Our world is one that makes otherwise beautiful people bleach their skin in the hopes if making it lighter, better. Our world is one that has black women buying up every hair product they can that promises to make their tresses straighter and silkier. It’s a tough world. I’m bringing my armor.

Be clear: This doesn’t mean that I’m going to shield her from all things white. That would be dangerous and impossible. I want her to recognize the beauty of diversity and all the different colors of people there are. I just don’t want her to ever forget how beautiful she is.
~Nadirah Angail   

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On Gucci vs. McDonalds

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gucciI don’t usually do my clothes shopping at Walmart, but I’ll pick something up if it’s cute and cheap. Not everyone is like that. Some people I know wouldn’t buy a pair of socks from Walmart. For them, if it doesn’t say Gucci, Prada, or Fendi (or at least Banana Republic) it’s not coming home. I ask them why they buy such expensive clothing and the answer is always something along the line of “I don’t like cheap stuff. I only wear the best.” Ok, makes sense. After all, shouldn’t we all want the best? But a lot of these same people that wouldn’t be caught dead in non-name brand clothing will order a quarter pounder and McFlurry from McDonalds in a heartbeat. What happened to only wanting the best?

A lot of us get outraged when we see the price of organic food. We think “Why would I pay $4.99 for this juice when I can get regular juice for $2.50. I’m not made out of money.” That’s the catch phrase people throw on the end of things when they need an excuse for not buying something. Most of the time, it’s easy see the difference between name-brand and cheaper clothing. It’s not so easy with food. At first glance, those two bottles of juice look the same, but they’re not. Check the ingredients.  The average juice drink has more “drink” in it than juice. And what is “drink,” you ask? It’s a combination of water, sugar and/or high fructose corn syrup, preservatives, and food coloring.  If you’re lucky, you may see some familiar ingredients like apple, orange, or grape juice. Natural juices, though they may look similar, have far fewer ingredients. The list usually looks like this: juice from apples (or whatever other fruit you like) and maybe some water or ascorbic acid (Vitamin C). Still, people may wonder, “What’s the big deal? A little sugar never hurt anyone.”

And they’re right. A little sugar doesn’t hurt anyone, but most juices don’t have a little sugar. They have anywhere from 2-3 tablespoons per serving. (Remember, most people drink 2 to 2.5 servings in one sitting.) Add that to all the other sugary, food-like products we consume daily. I won’t even go into the harmful effects of high fructose corn syrup (which is like sugar on Crack) preservatives, and food colorings. The average American eats tons of processed, fatty, sugary, artificial foods and very few fruits, vegetables and whole grains. In fact, out palettes have been so corrupted by these altered foods that many of us cringe at the taste of a whole food. A piece of whole wheat bread? “Yuck, it’s hard and nasty.”  A grapefruit without sugar on top? “Gross, it’s too tart.” A bowl of veggies not doused in salty sauces? “Ick, it’s too plain.”  We’re completely unaware and intolerant of the fact that this is what food tastes like. Before Kraft, General Mills and Nestle came along, this is what food tasted like. Before everyone got too busy to cook at meal in the oven instead of the microwave, this is what food tasted like. And before we decided it was ok to eat things we couldn’t even pronounce or identify, this is what food tasted like.

But it’s not just about taste. It’s also about functionality. Food should function as an energizer, a stabilizer, a strengthener, and a supporter of the body. It should help us to do the many things we need to do in this life. Most foods these days don’t do that. Today’s foods do everything but that. It has become our entertainment (I’m bored. Let’s eat) our significant others (I’m lonely. Let’s eat) our therapists (I’m sad. Let’s eat) and out reward (I’m happy. Let’s  eat). We get everything from our food except what we really need: nutrients.

It can be hard to get used to the idea of ditching Ding Dongs and Doritos, but it’s for our own good. There’s no reason anyone should be more concerned about what goes on his body that what goes in it. The clothes you wear won’t make you sick, lethargic, or overweight. They don’t cause cancer, heart disease, or high blood pressure.  Low quality foods do. They deny us nutrition and infects us with sickness. They robs us of our vitality and arrests our natural beauty. They do far more damage than cheap clothing ever could.  So buy wholesome, unprocessed foods; your body will thank you. And if you’re a strapped for cash, sell some of those expensive, name brand clothes. 

 ~Nadirah Angail
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On Bridezillas

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bridezillaDid you know I’m psychic? I can tell what’s going to happen in the future. Well, I can’t tell everything, just some things, like what’s going to happen to the couples on Bridezillas. Do you want to know? Okay, I’ll tell you. Get ready to be shocked and amazed. Here goes: They’ll all be divorced. Maybe not all, but a whole lot of them. They have to. Look at this:

You can’t behave that way and think you’re going to have a successful marriage. You can’t behave that way and think you are going to have any type of successful relationship. It just doesn’t work that way. There are certain rules that must be followed for a relationship (romantic or otherwise) to work.

Respect
It is completely normal to disagree with your spouse, but that is no excuse to disrespect him. This is the person you chose as your life mate, not some stranger on the street. Treat him like you feel like you made a choice. And if you’re not satisfied with your choice, that’s your fault, not his. Respect is not only reserved for the other person. You should also keep some for yourself. This applies more to the men of the show than the women. Every man on Bridezillas is a big, fat punk, and that’s a shame. It’s one thing if a woman wants to act crazy, but if you go and marry that woman, you’re the craziest one of all. Don’t you think you deserve to be treated better than that? Doesn’t it bother you that your soon-to-be spouse is rude, a self-absorbed cry baby, the kind that is not only mean to you, but also your family and friends? Perhaps it seems cute now, in some weird way that I’ll never understand, but I guarantee that cuteness will wear off after the honeymoon.

Kindness
I can’t stress how important it is to be kind to your mate. This seems simple enough, something we all should have learned in preschool along with sharing and not eating glue, but apparently some of us didn’t get it. The way people talk to their “loves” is unconscionable. They use dirty names, make threats, and string together enough curse words to make a sailor blush. But they’re so in love. They say mean and embarassing things about their mates to others. But they’re so in love. They sometimes go so far as to hit their mate. But they’re so in love. Love should be expressedthough words and actions. It should be evidenced in everything you do. Even your arguments should be treated with a subtle kindness that is the immutable effect of your love. And if you can’t be kind, then we all know the rule: Don’t say anything at all.

Appreciation
Is it just me or are the men on Bridezillas unusually nice and tolerant? The women put them through hell and spend all their money, and they just smile and say “That’s my baby!” These women need to be counting their blessings and thanking the Almighty they didn’t get someone whose disposition is just as unpleasant as their own. Instead, they do nothing but complain. If these men have any sense, they’ll realize 0/100 dynamic of their relationships and find someone else who will treat them better.

Reality Check
We all live on Earth, not the plant of (insert your name here). We all have to abide by the same rules and live up to the same standards. Sooner or later, the women on Bridezillas will realize this. All it will take is one run-in with the wrong person, one who isn’t scared to put them in their place and demand some respect, and they’re going to end up feeling really stupid. For some reason, everyone on that show seems to cower at their feet. (They’re probably put up to it by the producers.) But, somewhere, there has got to be at least one person to set them straight. The sooner, the better.

Hopefully, these women are exaggerating their behavior for the camera. Hopefully, they’ve been put up to this and don’t really act that way, because if this is their true behavior, they’re setting themselves up for failure. They may feel on top of the world now, while everyone is catering to their every beck and call, but people can only take so much. They’re going to be really sad and lonely after their insane behavior has chased off everyone that ever cared about them. Then, they’ll be sorry.

~Nadirah
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On the Failure rate of Therapy

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therapyI’ve been back and forth about whether or not I want to continue in the marriage and family therapy field. It can be rewarding sometimes when I see families or couples changing in front of my eyes, but a lot of times, I see them leaving the room no different that when they came in. That’s when my self-doubt and insecurity speak up. “You’re obviously a bad therapist.” “You haven’t done anything to help these people.” “Everyone would be better off if you just quit.”

These types of thoughts take a toll on you, no matter how confident you may have been at the start.  It wasn’t long before I found myself desperately searching for another job, one that had nothing to do with therapy. Now, over three months removed, I’m able to see the situation a little differently. I know that, for a lot of those clients, the lack of movement had little, if anything, to do with me.  I was trained as a therapist, not a magician. There’s no magic wand I can wave to make everything perfect. A lot of the work has to be done by those seeking help, not the helper. And if they’re not prepared to do that, therapeutic success is virtually impossible.  

When someone needs help, they need it sooner rather than later, and in most cases, we understand this concept. If we’re carrying a big load, we ask for help before we drop it. If our houses catch fire, we call the fire fighters before it burns down. But when it comes to our most important personal relationships, our minds seem to go blank. We forget that sooner is better than later. We wait until we’re at our wits end and can’t stand the sight of the other person to seek help. At that point, there’s little that can be done. The window of opportunity is nearly closed.

Other times, people try therapy just for the look, not for the benefit. People in this category already know they want to end the relationship, but agree to therapy just to say they tried. In a case like this, no amount of work done by the therapist or other party can fix the problem. Therapy turns out to be nothing more than a cover up and a set up.  Without truly motivated participants, there is no room for positive change to enter the relationship. This rule applies inside and outside of the therapy room.  No one person can save a relationship, no matter how determined. This can be a hard pill to swallow for gung-ho types that see ending the relationship as a non-option. They, like me, may see the end of the relationship as a failure on their part, a definitive flaw in their being.  

We are so used to being defined by what we can do, that our self esteem often takes a serious hit when we come across something we can’t do, regardless of the fact that relationships are interpersonal and cannot, in any way, be created, maintained or improved by one party alone. Perhaps when we destigmatize the idea of therapy (which doesn’t have to be administered in an office setting) people will be encouraged to act sooner rather than later.

When things are going well, couples tend to be more social, making their easy love visible, but when things get hard, the barriers go up. They disappear into seclusion, shielding themselves during the most vulnerable and fragile time. That is when we should be reaching out the most, when we’re frustrated, angry, hurt and confused. That is when we should be taking advantage of the rich resources we can find within our parents, close friends, therapeutic professionals and religious leaders. But, because of the shame that our egos make us feel, we deny ourselves the very things we need the most. It’s ok not to have all the answers. It’s ok to love someone, but not know how to make it work. You don’t have to do it alone. It doesn’t have to fail.

 ~Nadirah Angail
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On Drops and Beams

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water dropExcluding my own personal hang-ups, I get discouraged for good reason. I’m trying ridiculously hard to put a drop in what seems to be a bottomless bucket; and people wonder why I constantly question my decision to be in the family therapy profession. As rewarding as it is to successfully shine a beam of hope into a far-off, dark tunnel, the many failed tries have their consequences too.

Like many new therapists, I came into this field with big, naïve dreams of helping people and changing the world with my keen insight, positive words of encouragement and discerning eye. I knew that there were tons of people in tough situations, dying to have some change injected into their lives. So there I stood, smile big as ever, therapeutic needle in hand. But little did I realize the army that I’d need to complete the tasks I’d set out to tackle on my own. One person certainly can affect change, but to step into such a static and expansive grid, teeming with obstacles, booby traps, and “flashing lights” (thanks Kanye) and think that you can be the one to turn it all around is unrealistic. And who should be more based in reality than a therapist? Or at least that’s how it seems.

But how it really is is something completely different. Daily, we go to the office or into the homes and discuss various things with various people. No need to go into depth. Just know that our job is to help individuals and, preferably, families to find better ways to get their needs met. That’s all therapy really comes down to. No matter what someone is doing, no matter how destructive, maladaptive, or counterintuitive it may be, know that it serves a purpose and meets some need that was previously unmet. Humans are just wired that way, to survive in the best and only way we know how.

So, then the task of the therapist is to help them discover other options? “Simple enough. Case closed. Let’s all go home, because once I go in there with this long list of options and present them in an appropriate yet inoffensive manner, the job will be done,” thinks an eager and inexperienced therapist. And in a perfect world, every session would end ten minutes to the hour and there would be no such thing as “no shows.” But in the real world—the one we’re all forced to accept sooner or later— sessions can go on for three hours, clients will stand you up, and the problem that brought them into therapy can be just as present in the last session as it was in the first. Now, is that the sign of a bad therapist? I don’t know. (My answer changes with my confidence level). But, it seems to be a sign of an important fact: We’re up against giants, here.

So many families come from environments that scream to them, in surround sound, “How dare you think you’re anything more that what you see around you?!” From the moment they exit the womb, they have neighbors, friends, teachers, family members, complete strangers and even parents chipping away at their innate potential. (And that’s just on a micro level. I didn’t even mention the macro factors of social issues and government.) Needless to say, by the time they get to us, that beautiful potential has oftentimes been whittled down to a mere suggestion of its former self. Not only that, but they’re encased in communities that too have had the very nature carved out of them. And here I am, trying to put a drop in this bottomless bucket.

For some people, we are the only ones even trying to shine beams their way, the only ones trying to throw out a lifeline. That’s 1hr./week of therapy and 167hrs./wk of the indescribably strong magnetic-like pull of the streets. You do the math. I cannot do this alone. We cannot do this alone. The most successful client’s I’ve seen have had their own cheering sections made up of neighbors, friends, teachers, family members, complete strangers and, of course, parents. (Funny how the same people that pull you down can boost you up.) One of my teachers told me, in a perfect world, therapists wouldn’t exist. The families and communities would fill these shoes; but until then, we need all the help we can get. I wish communities would rally around their youth and infuse them with the tools they need to make it in this world. I wish our society would accept and reflect beautiful images of the people that need it. I wish parents would become competent enough to not set their children up for failure. And I wish people in general would care more and take an interest in the people around them, because one beam and one drop is just not enough.

~Nadirah Angail

 ~Nadirah Angail
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