On the Two Faces of Truth| How to Effectively Communicate When You Don’t Agree

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You already know the problem: He doesn’t listen. He may look like he’s  listening, but he can’t be. The things he does and says indicate otherwise. That’s that problem, and he needs to fix it if he wants this thing to work.

Sound familiar? It’s natural to take your own truth as gospel, but that sort of rigid thinking just doesn’t work in relationships. (Yes, I have tried.) It’s perfectly fine if you’re helping your kids with their multiplication tables –9×9 is 81 and there’s no getting around that– but relationship truth is a whole different breed.

When you’re dealing with emotions, personal histories and relationship legacies, all that once was deep black and stark white becomes a murky shade of gray. Enter confusion and mayhem.

Well, not necessarily. There is a way to navigate the gray, shadowy waters of relationship communication without completely (or even nearly) drowning. It just takes understanding and practice.

Understand

Know that reality, as fixed and finite as it may seem, is all about perception. In your mind, what you think is going on is really what’s going on. It doesn’t matter if no one else agrees. In your mind, it’s real. That makes it real in your world. Let’s consider an example. Imagine if, out of the blue, you were suddenly attacked by ferocious, flesh-eating ants. You run to your mate and yell, “Help, get them off!” but he looks at you like you’re crazy.

“Get what off?” he asks, confused. “I see you’re in a silly mood today.” He gives you a quick smile and goes off about his business, leaving you and the ants to battle for your life. Would the fact that he couldn’t see the ants make them any less real? Would it make you any less scared? Of course not.

That is the basis of understanding the tricky truth of relationships. You don’t have to see his point, but you do have to realize that it is real to him and, therefore, valid. What he’s saying may be the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard. It may sound like a bunch of nonsense, but you have to respect it as his truth, his experience.

And to bring balance to the system, he must do the same for you. It doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re being dramatic, overly emotional, too sensitive, or any of the other common dispositions women are accused of having. It only matters that he gives you a safe and secure space to express your perception.

Much of the “fight” in couples’ communication comes from the insistence of each party that he/she is right and the other is absolutely, unequivocally wrong (and a stupid jerk face). Once you understand that there is no definite right or wrong and that you both have the right to feel however it is you’re feeling, things begin to change.

Practice

If only understanding were enough. It takes practice to break the habit of declaring yourself the arbiter of truth. Despite your new understanding, you will want to go back to your black and white view of things. That’s a promise and a guarantee. We are hard-wired to want to stick to what is familiar and comfortable, so this necessary change won’t come easily.

When in an argument, keep the focus of your statements on you. Talk about how you feel and what you think, even if its regarding how he feels and what he thinks. Statements like, “You don’t think I’m smart enough to a make an important decision,” make assumptions about his thinking. You are not in his head. You can’t say what he thinks. But what you can say, with absolute certainty, is what you think he thinks and how your interpretation of his thoughts makes you feel.

So, what would that look like? Let’s start with an example of what it would not look like:

“You like to start fights with me. That’s why you act like this. You know it gets under my skin. I can’t stand you or your mind games!”

This is a perfect way to rev up an argument. It attempts to force him to take ownership of statements he may not want to make.

Here’s another way it could go:

“I feel like you start fights with me on purpose, just to get under my skin. Is that true?”

This statement doesn’t force him to own anything. It only explains your interpretation of his behavior and then gives him a chance to clear up any confusion. Both statements explain how you feel, but the latter doesn’t back him into a corner. It also doesn’t add fuel to the fire.

~Nadirah Angail

On Unconscious Racism: An Explanation of George Zimmerman and Upset Hunger Games Fans

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 They used to lynch us. They don’t do that anymore.
They used to buy and sell us. They don’t do that anymore.

They used to call our fathers “boy” and send them around back. They don’t do that anymore.

Now it’s unconscious, so all they have to do is think.

Racism has gone underground, upgraded its look to be more stylish and user friendly.  In fact, it’s undergone such a dramatic face lift that racists themselves don’t even know they’re racist. That’s impressive.

Racists these days have black friends and get along with their black coworkers. They have Jay Z and Usher songs in their iTunes accounts, and they readily compliment black women on how nice their natural hair looks. And they really mean those compliments. They wouldn’t ever want their hair to do that, but they really do like the way it looks on someone else. I guess that’s just one of the perks of the new unconscious racism.

But don’t be fooled. This new racism, polite and understated though it may be, is still the same old racism. It still runs on that inherently-flawed and extremely delusional belief that God is white (European) and has a natural preference for his own. That’s the thinking that made the world’s human atrocities okay.

It made the trans Atlantic slave trade okay.  It made colonization and Apartheid okay. It made the Holocaust and Japanese concentration camps okay. It made the slaughter and relocation of Native Americans okay. All inhumane treatment of non-white people is justified in the eyes of racism. Twisted stuff, ain’t it?

But this new racism is tricky. It’s ninja-like in its ability to operate without detection. It isn’t as in-your-face. It lies dormant most of the time, silently feeding off of reinforced stereotypes, media misinformation and fear. It nestles itself so deeply in the subconscious that most who are affected by it can honestly say, “I am not racist.” As far as they know, they aren’t. They don’t hate black people. They don’t think black people deserve to be treated badly. But they do believe, way back in the recesses of their mind, that certain things, places and people are designated for whites only. Not in a “colored entrance” kind of way, but in a “I get uncomfortable when I see black people overstepping their bounds” kind of way.

That’s why Trayvon Martin looked suspicious. His presence in that particular neighborhood made Zimmerman uncomfortable. He would have felt perfectly fine had he seen Martin in a predominantly black, poor neighborhood—not being racist or anything, but that is where blacks live, right?—but he couldn’t conceive that Martin possibly belonged in that neighborhood. The mere sight of that hoodied young man (not to be confused with a “hooded” young man) in that gated community was enough to activate the unconscious racist within. In an instant, all the stereotypes and fear he’d gathered and stored in his 28 years flooded Zimmerman’s conscious mind and instructed him to save the neighborhood and himself from this incredibly threatening black male.

That’s also why some disgruntled Hunger Games fans have found fault with the color of particular cast members. Despite the fact that casting directors make small (and large) changes to book characters all the time, their unconscious racists within were activated when they saw that such powerful and positive characters were played by…dramatic pause… black actors (cue shock and awe now). According to some of the upset tweets, the author made no mention of color. This actually isn’t true, but it doesn’t matter. When they discovered that the book characters where strong, positive and actually of significance to the story, they automatically assumed the author meant for them to be white, because, well, what else could they possibly be? And those unconscious racist thoughts were actually strong enough to edit out the parts of the book that literally describe their skin as “dark brown.”

Wow.

I don’t know if you’re getting the magnitude of that. Let me say it again. Those unconscious racist thoughts were actually strong enough to edit out the parts of the book that literally describe their skin as “dark brown.”  Tell me that’s not deep. The unconscious racist’s ideas of whiteness and blackness and so entrenched in a hierarchy of value that their minds literally blotted out printed text so as not to disturb their preconceived notions about what “good” really looks like.

That’s why stereotypes are so prominent. They reinforce the ideas unconscious racists already have. When they see a black man who really is a criminal, they take notice, but when they see one who is an educated, peaceful loving father, they ignore it or write it off as an isolated incident. Racism survives this way.

Until we get away from the idea that God is white (or any other color for that matter) racism will live on. It’s form will continue to change, but its roots will remain sturdy.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Protection of Women | Why Fathers Need to be More Involved in Daughters Relationships

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Back in the day, men had to ask  a woman’s father for her hand in marriage, but now that’s considered old fashioned and unnecessary. These days, some men aren’t even meeting the fathers until the wedding rehearsal. “Ask for my hand?  For what? What am I, a piece a property? So I’m not capable of giving my own hand?” This is the response many men would be hit with if they even suggested talking to a woman’s father first. And that’s part of why things have gotten so bad.

I was completely capable of “giving my own hand” if I chose, but still my father had a talk with my husband before we married. I don’t know exactly what he said, but it was probably something along the lines of, “Listen here, boy. F_ _ _ up and see what happens. I’m from the streets, son. Jersey all day!” Ok, so that was a bit of a stretch. I’m sure my father said nothing like that, but he did make it clear that there were certain standards he’d have to live up to if he wanted to marry his daughter.

It wasn’t about passing ownership from one pair of male hands to the next. It was about a man being held accountable by another man. In the same way that women find it easier and best to talk to other women about issues of femininity, men should approach other men on issues of masculinity and manhood.  Women shouldn’t have to yell, “Treat us better!” “Stop beating us!” Stop abandoning us with your children!”  Those messages should come from other men– fathers, uncles, brothers, sons and friends (or even a random man on the street who witnessed some foolishness and couldn’t help but to get involved).

A woman knows if another woman is up to no good, and so does a man. That’s why fathers need to be the intercessors. You might be fooled by a nice smile and a smooth baritone voice (and so might your mother), but your father won’t. You might be captivated by his cologne and conversation, but your father is immune. He has been taking care of you his entire life, doing everything he can to make sure you are safe and happy, so he’ll be damned if he’s going to let another man come into your life and ruin all the work he’s done. No sir. Not today. Not on his watch.

That is what fathers are for.

Let’s be clear. This is not to discount the work or importance of mothers. Mother’s are absolutely essential, but this is an area where a father (not necessarily biological) needs to be present. When a woman gets in a serious relationship with a man, she’s not just agreeing to be his companion, she is agreeing to let him be the father of any children they may have. She is agreeing to allow him to be the leader of whatever family they may create. She is agreeing to be the mother of any offspring he may produce. That’s a big deal, a super big deal, one you shouldn’t be making by yourself.

Love is great, but it isn’t always logical. In fact, it can be downright crazy. Think of all the people that stay in bad relationships because they can’t bring themselves to leave. (Perhaps you’re thinking of yourself right now.) Think of all the people that are so attached to the “loves of their lives” that they put up with horrible treatment. Love actually makes it harder to judge a person’s worthiness. It fills the air with a sweet-smelling fog that makes it difficult to see what’s in front of you.

Ladies, we need to turn down the Destiny’s Child long enough to realize that we do not have to exist in this world completely by ourselves. We’ve been convinced that we have to have our own everything, even our own backs. Well, that just isn’t possible. If your back is going to be covered (and we can probably all agree that it should be), it has to be done by someone else. There is no way around that. And since you’re dealing with a man–something you are not–why not have the cover of someone who is? Makes sense, don’t it?

~Nadirah Angail

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On Raising Abstinent Children | 4 Steps to Make Waiting Realistic

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Photo Credit: Salvatore Vuono

Abstinence seems to be one of those topics everyone has a definite opinion on. To this day, I have yet to find anyone who has been on the fence. It’s always “Wait until you’re married,” or “You don’t have to wait til marriage, but you better use a condom!” Regardless of which of these statements rings true, we can all agree that they’re both better than not saying anything, can’t we? (Waiting for you to nod your head.)

Yes, I know this is the new millennium and we have a black, Al Green-singing president, but there are still those who believe in good old fashioned abstinence. In fact, there are a lot more than you would guess, but many shy away from taking that route for fear of setting their children up for failure.

You’ve heard the argument: Abstinence doesn’t work.  ”While you’re out here selling abstinence and promise rings, kids are busy getting pregnant and contracting diseases.”  That’s what many say–and there is some definite truth to that statement–but that doesn’t make the message of abstinence ineffective. It makes the delivery method ineffective. And that’s why I’m here, to offer a method that goes far beyond repeating “Wait til you get married!”

1.) Make it seem realistic- Talk about setting your kids up for failure. Many parents do just that by saying things like, “Well, you know you should wait until you’re married, but that isn’t exactly realistic, so I just want you to be smart and make good decisions.” You might as well say, “Abstinence sounds cool, but ain’t nobody doing that mess. You feel me!” (High-fives exchanged.) Ok, so you probably wouldn’t high-five, but you get my point.

Your children need to know that, regardless of what everyone else is saying and doing, they CAN abstain, and it doesn’t even have to be that hard. If you waited, share that with them. Even if you didn’t, let them know that there are many people who are. Don’t focus on how hard it is (because that sets it up in there mind as unrealistic). Instead, focus on how doable it is.

2.) Monitor their exposure- These days, sexual images are everywhere (and I mean everywhere). It makes it hard for you to talk to your children about abstinence when everything else around them is pushing “sex, sex, sex!” Turn the TV off, turn the radio off, and be aware of who is around your children and what they’re talking about. Of course, you can’t raise your children in a bubble. They’re going to be exposed to and influenced by others, but you have to do your best to control the images and ideas they get about sex because they will definitely influence future behavior.

3.) Don’t make sex the enemy- Sometimes, in an attempt to steer their children away from premarital sex, parents make it seem like it is the worst things on earth. (“Sex is a big sin you will be punished for… PUNISHED, I say! PUNISHED!”) This will only do one of two things:

-create an unhealthy complex about sex that can last well into their adult, married life

-make them uncomfortable about topic, which means they won’t talk to you about it at all.

Give them the real deal. Let them know sex is wonderful, but that it is a big responsibility that should only be done under certain circumstances. The more comfortable you are talking about it, the more comfortable they will be coming to you with any questions they may have (and that’s what we want, isn’t it? For our kids to come to us about sex instead of the girl that sits next to them in math class.)

4.) Give them the HOW- This is a biggie. If you do all the other steps wonderfully but skip this one, you probably won’t be successful. Saying “don’t have sex” does not teach them how not to. If you are serious about what you’re saying, you will have to let them know how to behave. No, they can’t listen to the same songs as everyone else. No, they can’t watch the same movies and shows as everyone else. No, they can’t date. (Yea, I said it.) A main reason this approach doesn’t work is because even though the message is being sent, the children (teens) are still allowed to engage in behaviors that encourage sexual activity. You can’t tell your son, “Sure, you can kiss that girl, but that’s it. Don’t you do a thing else, and I mean it!”  Come on, now. Who ever stopped at just kissing, and if you did, how easy was it? Let’s be real. Kissing ain’t nothing but foreplay.

I am a firm believer in the necessity of balance, so I wouldn’t be here suggesting you tell your kids no to so many things without suggesting you say yes to something else. People thrive best when they have options, so that’s what I’m about. While I won’t allow my children to listen to most music or watch most shows, I will go out of my way to find music and shows that I feel are appropriate.  While I won’t let them date, I will make sure they are able to socially engage other people in their age group, both male and female. I would hate for them to grow up feeling deprived. Those are often the feelings of sheltered kids who hit college and go crazy. I’d rather they grow up feeling informed and guided.

~Nadirah Angail

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On Conflict Resolution | A Fighting Fair How-to Guide for Couples

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happy couple with boxing glovesHere’s the thing: He doesn’t have to stay. Neither do you. No one does. Relationships are always voluntary, and people tend to stop volunteering when it gets too hard, too complicated, too full of tension and anger. That’s why conflict resolution and  fighting fair are so important. You can’t completely get rid of the problems that arise, but you can handle them in such a way that you don’t end your marriage.

#1. Resolve Conflict by Ditching Entitlement

At work, do you say and do whatever pops into your mind? Probably not, because you want to keep your job and know that saying or doing the wrong thing could result in your being fired. You know your boss doesn’t owe you a position. You have to earn it. Couples should think in the same way. Just because your husband loves you doesn’t mean he should have to put up with your verbal attacks. Just because your wife loves you doesn’t mean she should have to look past your outright disrespect.

Sometimes, we women can overstep our boundaries. We think we have the right to have big attitudes because, “He’s a man.  He can take it.” You’re right. He can take it, but why should he? And who wants to live like that? Wouldn’t it make sense to find someone who wasn’t going to make his life miserable just because she thinks she has the right to? Men, too, can overstep boundaries. They get comfortable and think, “She ain’t going nowhere.” Well, if she’s smart. she will go somewhere. She’s find a man who appreciates her and shows her just how much he does. If you know you’ve got a good mate, treat them like you want to keep them.

#2. Resolve Conflict by Being Aware of Your Feelings

The key to fighting fair is avoiding “low blows”. The only way to do that is to have a heightened sense of awareness during an argument. Many people do the opposite. They allow their anger to send them into a blind rage. You never know what’s going to come out then. There is no filter,  no awareness. Just pure, unstable emotion. That’s why you said that hurtful comment you now regret. That’s why the situation never seems to improve no matter how many times you fight over it.

When you’re aware of exactly how upset you are and how it can affect you, it’s easier the pull yourself back from the edge.  Take a deep breath. Sit down. Tell your mate you need some time to calm down. Whatever it takes to keep that filter from flying off and crashing up against the wall. If you are used to letting your anger choose your words, increasing your self-awareness will be hard. It will feel unnatural and forced, but the result it will have on your relationship is worth the effort.

#3. Resolve Conflict by Focusing on the Final Goal

At the moment, your goal is to find a resolution to the problem at hand (or maybe it is to get your holes filled), but what is the ultimate goal, the one that matters above all else? Hopefully you answered, “to be happily married.” Isn’t that what we all want, to be able to look at the person we’ve chosen and be happy with that choice?  That goal should dictate the way you argue. Are you working toward peace and happiness or toward more tension and anger? Look back on how you’ve handled yourself in past arguments to find the answer to that question.

“But I’m just so angry. He’s not listening to me. He never does!” you yell at the computer screen. Ok, that’s a problem, a considerable one, but remember your goal. Even if you are unsure about if you want to stay married, assume that you do for the moment. (That’s not the type of decision you want to make based on emotion.) Tell him you feel he doesn’t take your wishes and concerns seriously, and tell him what you’d like him to do about it. You’re guaranteed to get better results than if you just yell at him and storm out of the room.

Here are some examples of what you should and shouldn’t say. (Yes, I’m giving you a script. I want this to be as easy as possible.)

  • You shouldn’t say something like, “You never listen to me. It’s like you don’t even love me! I don’t need this @%$#!” That’s too vague (and dramatic) and it offers no solution.
  • You should say something like, “When you (________), it makes me feel like you aren’t listening to me and it upsets me. I’d really appreciate it if you (_________). That is to the point and it makes it very clear what the problem is and how it can be fixed.

#4. Loosen the Heck Up!

Sometimes when things are rocky, you get in such a funk that you become determined to be upset and grumpy. It’s like you write it down on a subconscious agenda. In these cases, it doesn’t take much to  get you going. Your mate can do one small thing and you’re ready to break out the claws. Chill out. It’s not that serious, I promise. The happiest couples are ones who are able to handle their issues effectively. No grudges. No drama.  This has been proven time and time again.

~Nadirah Angail

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