Reader Reach Out| Should I Marry a Man with a Crazy Baby’s Mama?

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Dear nadAnonymous writes: I am engaged to be married to a great man, but his children’s mother is crazy!  I try to make the best of the situation but she makes it so hard. Sometimes I’ll text her to set up arrangements for when the children will come to our house, but she is always disrespectful. Shell text things like “Don’t worry about it, ho! He still wants me!” I show these to my fiancé and he says he’s talked to her about it but she wont stop. The other day, one of the kids asked me where my broom was.  I know he knows where the broom is. I told him its in the kitchen where it always is, but he said “no, your riding broom. Mommy said your a witch.” I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes I think we should call the wedding off. We don’t have a date set yet.

What do you think?

Response: Hello reader,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine how stressful it is. I’m assuming you have no kids together since you made no mention of any. That matters a lot.

I know he told you he talked to their mother, but did he tell you exactly what he has said? As frustrating as this is now, it will be MUCH WORSE when you are actually married. It sounds like the ex is bitter, so you guys getting married will only increase her bitterness (read: she’s probably going to up her antics into high gear).

This is not how you want to start off your marriage and its not how you want to live your married life. Whatever he’s done, he needs to do more. Maybe have a sit-down with both of you where he makes it exceedingly clear that

1.) has no interest in her romantically

2.) he demands respect for you as his soon-to-be wife,

3.) he doesn’t want her saying disrespectful things to the children about you

Since she’s proven she’s too immature to have your number, she shouldn’t have it anymore. You need to get a new number and (until things are settled and she has calmed down) he should be making all the arrangements for the children’s visits, or maybe you guys should come up with a standing arrangement that everyone can agree to. That will lessen the need for contact. If necessary, you all can meet out at a neutral/public place to drop off and pick up the kids.

Two things are for sure: He needs to see his kids (regularly) and they need to be spared from all this adult drama. As a man, it’s his job to make sure that happens.

A lot of times, bitter exs are still hurt because of whatever happened in the relationship. Maybe he needs offer a sincere apology (if he did something wrong) or at least let her know that he appreciates her giving him some beautiful children and that he will always respect her for that. However, he also should add on the he needs respect back, for him, for you, and for his choices.

As for you, I think you should kill her with kindness. I know, that’s hard to do when someone is acting as crazy as she is, but I bet it will throw a huge monkey wrench in her plans. She wants to get under your skin, wants to make you upset. If you respond in kind, she’s getting what she wants. Instead, ignore the foolishness (as hard as that is) and say nothing but kind words. If you can’t do that, say nothing at all. And you really want to be nice if you are ever together in person, especially in front of the kids and your fiance. You want everyone to see it isn’t you who is starting this mess.

Since you don’t have a date set, you’ve got time. If he is really a good man, I wouldn’t call off the wedding just yet, but I would put some big time pressure on him protect you more from her misplaced anger.

Hope this helps,

~Nadirah Angail

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Reader Reach Out| Boyfriend Makes Hurtful Comments About Weight

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Dear nadAnonymous writes: Hello, I have a boyfriend that I love very much. In the last two years Ive gain a lot of weight (45lbs). I know its just stress because my job is crazy and I’m financially strained. I lost my other job and this one pays less. He is not considerate at all. He calls me things like “fat ass” and “wide load.” I told him that doesn’t help me at all and he did apologize, but he always says it again if we get in a fight or if he sees me eating a lot. In general he is a good guy but this issue is really hurting me. I do want to lose weight, but he just stresses me more then I eat more.

Please help.

Response: Hello, Thanks for reaching out. A lot of us know what it is like to watch our weights fluctuate as stress mounts. It’s not fun. It’s especially not fun when the ones we love are not supportive.

Is this name calling something he’s been doing the the whole 2 years, or has it recently started? If it’s recent, could it be that he’s experiencing something stressful himself and he’s taking it out on you? Of course this doesn’t justify his behavior, but I’m trying to see if its been a consistent problem or something new, brought on by a particular event. Perhaps he is stressed out and this behavior is his reaction to that stress. If that’s the case, though, he needs to find more appropriate strategies for handling that stress. You can even help him with that if you like. Or maybe he’s just a flat out jerk. (Sorry, I had to say it.) Either way, you have to have a serious talk with him about what you will and won’t accept in the relationship.

Yes, you’ve gained weight. Yes, you realize it is a problem (because it’s a health concern, not simply because he doesn’t like it). No, you should not accept his rude comments, which only make the situation worse. Let him know you’d appreciate his support and gentle constructive criticism (meaning loving suggestions on what you could do differently) , but have no use or need for his insults and disrespectful comments. As your boyfriend, he should be the one that supports you the most. He’s not doing that, so it is up to you to decide how much longer you’ll allow him to behave this way. I won’t say break up, because I know things aren’t always black and white, but I will say assert yourself as a person who deserves  must have respect at all times. If he’s not prepared to give that. I’d say he’s not prepared to be with you.

Hope this helps,

~Nadirah Angail

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The Next Big Thing Blog Hop

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The next big thing blog hopThis is a deviation from my normal posts. I was tagged in The Next Big Thing Blog Hop by Angela over at Staying Grounded in a Frantic World. Her forthcoming novel, Salt in the Sugar Bowl, is about the trauma of having your parents walk out of your life at a young age. Sounds like it hits some deep psychological issues. That’s right up my alley!

The purpose of this blog hop is all about shining light on the upcoming project of writers. For those of you who don’t know, I don’t only write about love and relationships. I also write fiction, Muslim fiction to be exact. Following are 10 questions I’ve answered about my next big thing.

1. What is the working title of your book or project?

Still Learning

2. Where did the idea come from for this book or project? 

It is a sequel to my first novel, What We Learned Along the Way, about 4 Muslim American young women in their early 20′s. The book details their struggles with love, identity, career and family.

3. What genre does it fall under, if any?

Religious fiction and chick lit. Sometimes I describe it as Sex in the City without all the sex. Wait, does that sound boring? Okay, scratch that. It’s really just about the discomfort of growing into one’s womanhood and what that means, particularly for Muslim women in America.

4.  If applicable, who would you choose to play your characters in a movie?

I don’t know. If it were to be a movie (and I think it’d be an awesome movie) I would want Muslim actors for the 4 main characters. I think they would bring a realness that a non-Muslim make struggle to create.

5. What is the one-sentence synopsis of your manuscript or project?

Four Muslim American women set out on a mission: to understand themselves, their religion and those they love–hopefully without going crazy in the process.

6. Will your book or story be self-published or represented by an agency?

Self published

7. How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Too long! Still working on it. Shame on me.

8. What other book or stories would you compare this story to within the genre?

Muslim fiction is still relatively new, but I’d compare it to one of the most popular works of Muslim fiction If I Should Speak, by Umm Zakiyyah. It is similar in that they both explore the topic of women finding themselves and understanding their religion.

9. Who or what inspired you to write this book or story?

This is a sequel, so it had to be written. The first book is a cliff hanger and I’ve been getting angry, threatening messages from readers saying produce the sequel or else! (Just joking… sorta.)

10.  What else about the book or story might pique the reader’s interest?

I think the fact that the characters are very relatable, even for people who aren’t Muslims. I’ve had many non-Muslims contact me and say they see themselves in the characters. I wrote the first book for a few reasons. 1.) I wanted to evict characters that had been living in my head for years. 2.) I wanted to create characters that I felt represented me and my Muslim peers. 3.) I wanted to put a face on Muslim American women and show the world that we’re not these crazy, mysterious weirdos they think we are. We’re real people, people you’d probably like and get along with if you took the chance to get to know us.

For the next stops on this blog hop, check out these two ladies next Wednesday (2/6/13) to hear about their upcoming works!

Na’Aisha Malikah Austin over at The Vogue Life and

BeeTrue Watts over on her Tumblr

~Nadirah Angail

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On Django Unchained: 4 Marriage Lessons We Can Learn From A Fictitious Bounty Hunter

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Django and Broomhilda, husband and wife

photo credit: imdb.com

Let’s suspend the politics and cultural implications of the movie. For the moment, let’s don our blinders and focus exclusively on Django the husband. He’s one bad mofo, wouldn’t you say? Braving the elements for miles and miles, slaying (in a most gruesome fashion)  anyone who gets in his way, all in the name of love for his dear wife.

Of course it’s just a movie, full of exaggeration and inaccuracy, but the message here is powerful: This man, this black man, loves his wife, and he isn’t going to let distance, danger or even the evil institution of slavery keep him from her. Put that in your bullhorn and blast it.

Following are 4 lessons we could all learn to strengthen our precious marriages:

Django wise

While speaking with his enlightened German business partner, Django explains that he and his wife believe in marriage, despite the fact that his slave owner didn’t. He is wise enough to understand the value of marriage, the significance of commitment. He doesn’t concern himself with the polluted thoughts of those who don’t acknowledge his marriage. To him, it is sacred and must be protected.

Now, why can’t we real-life people hold marriage in such esteem? Instead of divorcing at the drop of a dime and airing our dirty laundry on Facebook and Twitter, we should remind ourselves of the sanctity of marriage. It’s kind of a big deal.

Django determined

Django begins the movie as a slave who has been separated from his wife. It doesn’t look good. No one would blame him if he just decided to give up and move on, but he doesn’t.  He takes advantage of the opportunity to be reunited with his love–even though it’s hard, even though it’s unlikely, even though it takes a soul-shaking amount of dedication that few can muster. That’s how determined he is to save his wife and his marriage. This is the type of determination all married couples need. We must journey toward each other like magnets, unable to escape the pull.

Django faithful

How easy is it to cheat when your wife is gone and probably never coming back? Too easy. Most people wouldn’t even see it as cheating, but Django isn’t most people.  He’s a yearning husband who wants nothing and no one other than his wife. There is a scene where he is left alone with a female slave. He grabs her and pushes her up against a tree, not to make sexual advances, but to talk to her about the men he’s seeking out. The fact that he’s separated from his wife is immaterial. He’s married. He’s committed. Point blank, period.

Django emotionally stable

There are a few scenes where Django feels his wife is in danger. He wants, with every fiber of his being, to grab her and whisk her to safety, but he knows that would blow his disguise and ruin any chance of them being together. So, instead, he plays it cool and further assesses the situation.

This is major. The ability to control your emotions and voluntarily respond rather than involuntarily react is a crucial asset in any marriage. It makes all the difference in your interactions, especially the difficult ones. So many people have a tendency to lose their filters when emotions are high. It’s as if the feeling of anger gives you licence to, well, flip out. NOT the case.

Tap into your inner Django and preserve your marriage.

~Nadirah Angail

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On the Girlfriend Zone | 5 Things You’re Doing That Keep Him From Proposing

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girlfriend zoneWe’ve all heard of the dreaded “friend zone,” but what about the “girlfriend zone”? That’s when you meet a nice guy and you become his girlfriend–and then you stay his girlfriend, for years on end. No progress, no plans, no growth. Just straight up, plateaued consistency (which, in this case, is SO not what you’re going for). So, what went wrong? You’re faithful. You don’t nag (or do you?) You treat him better than any other woman ever could.  And, the piece de resistance, you keep it cute and classy. So, really, what is his deal?

*takes a deep breath and clears throat*

Okay, how can I say this as tactfully and gingerly as possible? Guess I’ll just come out and say it: It’s YOU, baby child! You are the reason your longtime boyfriend hasn’t taken a knee.

Before you curse me out and storm off this page, hear me out. I know it sounds harsh, but I promise I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t want to help. When a man stays in a relationship for an extended period of time and doesn’t propose, it’s because he doesn’t have to. That’s not to say that men who do propose  only do it because they “have to” as in “are forced to do,” but it is to say that they’ve reached a point where NOT being your husband is no longer acceptable. They see that as wonderful as you are as a girlfriend, it’s no comparison to the way he’ll experience you as his wife. It is this added value that encourages men to propose. That leads me to the first thing women do to keep men from proposing.

1. Giving him too many benefits

If you two have been together for many years, chances are you’re already acting like a married couple. You may be washing his dirty clothes, dropping off  his dry cleaning, balancing his checkbook, checking in on his errant younger sister (whom you’ve grown rather close to over the years) and giving him free and clear access to your body. You’ve given him so many perks in the trial version that he has no reason to want to upgrade.

Some women (many women, actually) fear that if they don’t take on this wifey position, he’ll move on to someone else who will. To those women, I say this: An interested man is hard to deter. If he’s truly into you–and I’m praying you know how to tell if that’s the case– he’ll stick around as long as he sees value. And if he does decide to leave because you’re not making it easy on him, all that means is that he wasn’t that into you in the first place (so go ahead and give him a hi-five for not wasting your time any longer).

2. Not setting clear boundaries 

I don’t know what it is about a charming man that causes us to lose our minds, but that’s often what happens. It’s like the moment he says something sweet, we’re putty in his hands (and that’s why more women need to have their fathers involved in their mate selections). We all of a sudden become willing to go along for the ride while he takes the relationship wherever he sees fit. So even though you had no intention of becoming just another girlfriend, that’s exactly what happened. And even though you had no intentions of having sex, that’s exactly what happened.

For fear of coming off as controlling or manipulative, we allow ourselves to become mere passengers in our own relationships, forgetting the fact that we owe it to ourselves to look out for our best interests. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about controlling him. It’s about protecting you, ensuring you don’t open yourself up (literally and figuratively) to someone who does not deserve that privilege.

3. Allowing him to be immature

Ok, so technically you can’t “allow” him to be anything, but you can behave in a way that makes it easy for him to be comfortable in his immaturity. For example, if he is lazy, unreliable and quick to put a bill off on you, you allow it every time you go along with it. Every time you make excuses for him or laugh it off as him just being his “crazy self,” you communicate that you’re fine with this behavior.

If nothing else, a man should be reliable and hardworking. When he doesn’t display these qualities, he might as well be wearing a flashing neon sign that says, “Not ready for marriage!” Few of us realize how driven our male counterparts can be, especially when it comes to us ladies. We get scared that if we hold him accountable, if we expect too much of him, he’ll disappear. When you’re dealing with a high quality man, that’s simply not the case. If he wants you bad enough and realizes just how valuable you are, his need for a good woman will force him to mature.

4. Letting your love be a weakness

We all know how wonderful it feels to be in love, but don’t let your love for a man force  you into staying in a stagnant relationship. That doesn’t necessarily mean you should leave, but it does mean you should take a good sober look at where your relationship is and where you want it to be.

Sometimes, “because I love him,” isn’t enough. Sometimes, “because I love him,”  is the exact reason your relationship isn’t progressing. If when you broach the topic of marriage, he is able to distract you with a, “You know I love you, baby. *soft kiss* I don’t need a piece of paper to prove that,” then he’s taking advantage of your weakness. He knows all he has to do is say the right thing, in the right tone of voice, with the right look in his eye and you’re rendered defenseless.

Set your love aside for a second and assess the true value of the relationship. Does it have staying power? Is it healthy? Do the two of you respect each other? Do you consider each other’s feelings? Do you guard each other’s reputations, even when the other is absent? These are attributes of a good relationship. These are the things you should be able to discuss without being sidetracked.

5. Trying to force marriage

Men do not like to feel like they’re being controlled. I repeat, men do not like to feel like they’re being controlled. So if you constantly harp on how much you want him to marry you, he’s likely to rebel just to show that he won’t be forced into anything. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but don’t make it about him. Make it about you. Here’s an example.

What NOT to say: You know, it’s 2013 and you still haven’t proposed. Is it coming any time this year? I just don’t know why you won’t marry me. You act like I’m not a good woman. You act like you don’t even know what a good woman is…

What to say: We just entered a new year and I’ve been doing some serious thinking about my life and where it’s going. I’ve reached a point where marriage has grown in its importance to me, and I’d like to see myself married at some point within the next year(s). I’m not saying this to pressure you, but I do want to check and see if we’re on the same page because this is very important to me.

Do you see the difference? The first one is all about forcing him into marriage. The second focuses on sharing your feelings about your life’s path. It actually has very little to do with him.

Once you’ve fallen into the girlfriend zone, it can be hard to get out. Men get comfortable and aren’t always ready to pick up and move, but they will if they really want you.

~Nadirah Angail

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